Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

It Doesn’t Quite Have The Same Ring As “STAIRWAY TO DANGER”


I’m deathly afraid of fish, rather than spiders, live fish, although I’m not apt to go running out of an aquarium shrieking and screaming in the throes of a major panic attack. In fact, once you learn that I was once stuck in middle of the ocean, ensnared in the tendrils of a Portuguese Man ‘o’ War until I was blistered and raw, my fears of fish seem a little less absurd.

Probably only a little, though.

When I was a waitress, I worked at an outside restaurant right on the river here in Geneva, and one of the jobs in the morning was to clean out all of the cobwebs that sprung up overnight, so that the spiders wouldn’t *ahem* shit on the guests while they ate their overpriced burgers.

Your Aunt Becky knows how to be glamorous, eh?

So, when I woke up on Saturday morning to find this on my back door, as I went out to lovingly minister to my roses, I was mostly amused:

My recreation is stunning, I know. It’s so…realistic!

I did the mother fucking limbo to get underneath it so that I could tend to my roses, and made a mental note to watch the hell out for that web. Spiders eat mosquitoes which are the Devil, so I like them around.

But Friday was also Of The Devil and Your Aunt Becky got a migraine as karmic payback for past misdeeds, so by that evening, after I’d finally gotten the last crotch parasite to bed, screaming her ever-loving head off, I went back outside to water my exotic plants. I’d only bought them, you see, because their names sounded like STD’s and turns out that they need a whole TON of water to stay pretty.

Still suffering from my migraine, my earlier mental note had been tossed aside to make room for the lyrics to “Baby Got Back” and I walked face-first into the spiderweb.

While I appreciate SPIDERS, I do NOT appreciate a face full of spider WEBS and I made my displeasure known by shrieking and then running around my yard impotently for a couple of minutes yelling, ‘GET ER OFF, GET ER OOOOFFFFF.” But the yelling and running only drove the spider webs into my mouth, and then, because I’ve recently lost enough weight and not bothered buying new pants, my pants fell down, I stopped running around, and went back inside to wash the spider web off.

When I came back outside to gather my gardening sheers, some 45 minutes later, I noticed two things:

1) the spider web had been entirely rebuilt.

b) It now had an occupant. A big gigantic red occupant.

“Hey buddy,” I said to it, because I was deliriously migrainey and Charlotte’s Web made me cry like a baby. Plus, a spider that big is always a good ally.

I ducked under the spider web–no way I was about to make THAT mistake again!–and as I was halfway through, the big ass spider spun some web out of its ass and swung itself towards me.

“WOAH,” I cried, as I stepped back, off the porch step. I’m okay with spiders, but this didn’t seem like an overly friendly gesture to me. I grabbed my garden sheers from the table and headed back towards the back door, preparing to go inside.

Casually, I eyed my door-dweller. It stared back at me and lifted one leg at me and shook it menacingly.

No, I rubbed my eyes, that’s the headache talking. It has to be the headache talking. I looked down at my poo-eating dog, Auggie, who was standing next to me, and he looked back at me as if to say, “I dunno.”

Figuring something as small as a spider couldn’t possibly have a vendetta against me, I tried to step back through the doorway. AGAIN the spider spun some web from its butt and lunged at me.

I shrieked and jumped backwards off my stoop, shockingly, not landing on my ass.

The spider wasn’t a regular spider. It was a MAN-eating spider. The spider was going to KILL me for ruining its web!

I went around the outside of my house and through the front door, where I then observed my enemy from the inside. It had caught a bug and slowly eating it while watching me and I swear he was winking at me.

Every now and again, it would raise a hairy leg toward me as if to say, “I’VE WON.”

Then I realized, I could never go to sleep again. EVER. Because that spider not only knew where I lived, it had a VENDETTA against me. It would wait until I slept and lay EGGS in my EARS and then pretty soon, my brain would be full of spider babies.

I got out an icepick, a six pack of sugar-free redbull and lay in wait. Knowing that the spider would come for me, and when he did, I would be READY.

Tragically, The Man Eating Spider had another idea in mind. He hit me where he knew it would hurt most.

Yes, Pranksters, The Man Eating Spider killed MY FAKE CAT MR. SPRINKLES!

That BASTARD! How could he kill my FAKE CAT!?!

But I showed him! Ben crushed his web once more that morning, like the Man Eating Spider crushed my DREAMS for my FAKE CAT.

*shakes fists at sky dramatically*



P.S. Now I need some good bug stories, Pranksters.

posted under What, ME Neurotic?
76 Comments to

“It Doesn’t Quite Have The Same Ring As “STAIRWAY TO DANGER””

  1. On August 23rd, 2010 at 11:58 am cagey Says:

    Please promise no spiders were harmed in the making of this post! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    We have tarantulas, as actual pets. I am guessing you won’t be visiting us anytime soon, huh?

  2. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh, the spider is still alive. Trust me, I can’t kill a spider. And I still think they’re cool, so I’d be SO down with visiting you!

  3. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:15 pm a Says:

    My job made me live in Carbondale, which is where entomologists go to find new and different kinds of bugs. So, in my charming apartment, not only did I have the same sort of spiderweb that you encountered (which I managed to not walk through once, even though I did not see it at all!, and saw the second time and went around to the other door), I saw Mothra (a moth literally larger than my hand), a 3″ long cockroach, endless fleas on my dog, and these tiny stupid little flying things which were really easy to kill, but breed more than rabbits, and infested all my houseplants. And lets not even talk about the Mosquito Wasps, which, while they eat mosquitos, annoyingly prefer to live on the front door of my abode (we even have them here where I live now), and thus wander inside frequently. Fortunately, they are also easy to kill. Finally, because it was at work, not home, so therefore, kind of cool, I saw something called a Red Velvet Ant. You want bug stories? I’ve got ’em!

  4. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:22 pm Kristi Dorson Says:

    I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders, as in, I suffer extreme anxiety just thinking about them. I’m in therapy right now to work on this, as a matter of fact. I’m in the very early stages of exposure therapy so reading this post was a good step for that. In the past, I wouldn’t have even read this as soon as I realized it was about spiders. Currently I am letting a spider live inside my window, on the OTHER side of the glass, and trying to sit near it periodically for some good ol’ exposure therapy. It’s just anxiety, it will pass; it’s just anxiety, it will pass.


    One of my best friends is also terrified of fish, so you are not alone. She couldn’t handle the aquarium. I don’t think this is weird because I just image a building filled with spider displays and I immediately understand. And she says whenever she thinks my spider phobia is weird, she imagines fish coming down on strings from her ceiling at her, and she understands, heh. I don’t think she has a reason for her phobia like you do though. How did you manage to get trapped in the middle of the ocean, by the way?

  5. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:24 pm Anna Says:

    When I was 11 or so, I was on the front porch reading a book (Stephen King was all I read at that point). Sitting on a glider, I was fiddling with a rock between my toes when I felt the rock move. Yeah, I just just rolled up a daddy long legs and was playing with it in my toes. Needless to say I ran inside and washed my foot. I don’t know that I’ve ever read outside barefoot again.

  6. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:27 pm Stella Says:

    You can buy 6-packs of Red Bull?! They only come in 4 where I’m from.

  7. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:34 pm Mae Says:

    Dammit Becky now Imma be all “spider babies in my ears!” all effing week. Fuck.

    When I was 13 I was asked to dogsit for a neighbor down the street. When I showed up the first day there was a giant yellow spider the size of a pie plate in the corner by the door. I stood in front of that door for at least 20 minutes 3 times a day for a week crying and trying not to piss myself until I could muster the courage to slide past it and get in and let the dog out. I was convinced it would leap the 2-3 feet between its net and my face every.single.time. But it never did and until RIGHT NOW I had decided I was insane and spiders don’t do that sort of thing.

  8. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:47 pm K odell Says:

    I’m off to mourn for Mr. Sprinkles. Sob

  9. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:52 pm seekingelevation Says:

    The word “limbo” should always be preceded by the word “mother-fucking.”

  10. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It IS the motherfucking limbo.

  11. On August 23rd, 2010 at 12:57 pm andygirl Says:

    OH NOOOOO! Mr. Sprinklesssss! your fake life was cut short in its prime. such a tragedy.

    so seriously, when I saw the first pic, I didn’t get that was your recreation. I thought somebody left you a plastic spiderweb. and I was like, well it’s cute and all, but why doesn’t she just take it down? I mean, really? I am a complete moron.

    I am scared of spiders. they can live, just not in my home. *shudder*

  12. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:09 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Are you sure this wasn’t a migraine hallucination?

  13. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:11 pm Marianne Says:

    Over the past two weeks, my yard has become infested with spiders. I am not talking about spiders. I am talking about BIGASSMOTHERFUCKINGSPIDERS!!!! These fuckers have webs that are at least 4 feet in diameter. I am generally spider friendly, as long as they don’t get in my way. I allow the nice spiders that stay in the corners to live and eat all of the bugs they’d like.

    These assholes build their giant killer webs of doom in my pathway. Like blocking my sidewalk from my front door. AND blocking the path from my side door down to my car. The other night I couldn’t finish putting my trash outside because they had me blocked in my house. At the rate I’m going, I am afraid that I’ll wake up one morning to find my entire house encased in a gigantic spider cocoon with thousands of hungry spiders ready to feed on me and my children!

  14. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:12 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Big & fast spiders do give me the willies. Fortunately they are all rather small around here

  15. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:14 pm Brooke Says:

    WTF? That is all.

  16. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 pm avasmommy Says:

    I am terrified of spiders – as in I will go bat-shit crazy if I see one.

    In fact, I am pretty sure I just shit my pants just reading this post.

    Going to breathe into a paper bag now.

    And change my underpants.

  17. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:26 pm Sam Says:

    A katydid (see also: Huge Green Flying Bug) was in my room one night, and when my husband took it outside, it got its revenge by flying up his boxers. I locked him out, because hello, I had just gotten the bug OUT, and didn’t want it back, in his crotch or no. Plus, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t have unlocked the door if I wanted to. It was an amazing moment. Not so much for my husband, but hey, whatever.

  18. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:32 pm Leslie Says:

    Were you wearing your whore pants? Because falling down sounds like typical whore pant behavior to me.

    P.S. Spiders suck.

  19. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm Anna marie Says:

    Ok-I am terrified of spiders. I would kiss a snake on the mouth, but I can barely look at a spider. So. A few years ago I am visiting my parents and I am lying around on the sofa being generally worthless, when mom asks for some help in the kitchen. I get up and look around for my chap stick, because I go NOWHERE without my chap stick, but it seems to be missing. I start feeling around under the couch with my toes to see if it had fallen and rolled under there. I find something, pull it out WITH MY TOES and when I lift my foot to retrieve it, the damn thing scurries away. I had just pulled a huge-ass spider out from under the couch with my foot. I am still in therapy for that incident. And for my chap stick addiction, but that’s another story.

  20. On August 23rd, 2010 at 1:52 pm Leah Says:

    So the door from my laundry room in to my garage is glass. I know, so CLASSY, right? Last night, my oldest went out to put her towel in the laundry and started screaming……THE FLIES, THE FLIES! I was all, what? I went out there. There were freaking flies EVERYWHERE! All over that glass door. Like clinging to it. Freaked us the fuck out. We quickly turned off the light and ran to the other fly-less part of our house.

    This morning, being the first day of school, and OF COURSE we are running late. Flies still there! Kids will not go in garage. Have to get in car. So I had to let them go out the front door while I pulled the car out. Flies are gone now, left the door open a bit and they left.

    No clue where they came from, I guess Dexter hid a body in there. Hopefully he will come and pick it up later so we can have sexy time. Then I’ll send him to your house.

  21. On August 23rd, 2010 at 2:14 pm Kelly Says:

    Bugs don’t really bother me so long as I can squash them, and/or don’t have to see them too much. I really hate any kind of rodent. Any kind. Even the pet kind. I worked in a pet store when I was a teenager, and rodents do fucked up things, besides eat their young.

    Mack and I had an old house that we rented when she was about 5, and the idiot neighbor refused to mow his field (yard) so we were constantly getting field mice in our house. Our lazy ass cats, instead of killing the mf’ing mice, they would play with them to death. The last straw for me? One of the cats played with one to death one night, and then left it in my BED. That is sick.

    I called the city on the worthless ass neighbor, and the city came and mowed his field (yard) and charged him for it, and gave the asshole a ticket to boot.

  22. On August 23rd, 2010 at 2:26 pm Cecelia Winesap Says:

    Ick. I’ve got the shivers just thinking about it. Although I love the picture of the cat you put in the web. Too funny!

  23. On August 23rd, 2010 at 2:37 pm LolaDarling Says:

    See i would’ve seen tha web and run screaming back into the house until someone ( partner, daughter, dog ) came and made sure all was gone in spiderville so already you are my hero ( as if you werent before??). I want to have a good bug story…there is a cricket with a bullhorn living under my refrigerator ?? True but not that interesting. So perhaps I shoul tell you a little about the Tarantula Hawk Wasp, which live in, among other places, New Mexico, where I lived briefly while taking a little hiatus from the world. In short,it is exactly what it sounds like – large, LARGE wasp that targets TARANTULAS, kills them, eats their insides and then lays their evil waspy egg babies in the carcass. No way me and that creature were occupying the same state and shortly after learning about them, I hightailed my fluffy arse back to DC to be comforted by cockroaches, crackheads and corruption. Aaaahhhh.

  24. On August 23rd, 2010 at 2:58 pm AuntieEmBabes Says:

    I’m terrified of fish. I cannot handle aquariums. Any fish bigger than a shot glass is not ok with me, I think it’s the big dead eyes and the lips, GAH. Oddly I am not freaked out by sharks, jellyfish (not that I want to swim with them), sea turtles, or dolphins. It’s really just fish.

    This past new years I took a trip to Chicago (hi there!!!) with my boyfriend. We visited his sister, who lives there and was excited to show me the attractions. Of course she picks Shedd. I am way to polite to mention that it’s the LAST place on the planet I want to go. I made it through the whole place without screaming out loud, though I’ve never been so close in public. I had marks in my plams from digging my nails in so I wouldn’t scream. About half way through I managed to get the boyfriend to understand how terrified I was, so he’d go in rooms and let me know if they were safe (little tiny tropical fish) or not (groupers!! OMG OMG). I unfortunately did discover at one point that there are such things on this planet as hermit crabs the size of doberman pinchers, I’d give anything to unsee that.

  25. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:04 pm Kristy Says:

    There is no way this story could have existed without those indelible illustrations.

  26. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:05 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Those recreation pics are awesome!! Poor Mr. Sprinkles. . . .

  27. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:27 pm Another Kelly Says:

    Spiders do not bother me at all. I’m down with the spiders. But flying beetles? I will scream like a gay man and flail like I’ve been Tasered when those things do their kamikaze dives at me. One time, a June bug (HATE them) flew right into my ear and sat there buzzing around and I could not get that mo-fo out of my ear. My screams of terror were so loud I’m surprised the cops didn’t show up.

    There’s a storm drain at the curb in front of my house and some of the cockroaches that come a-crawling out of there are so big they have saddles on them and they laugh when they see a can of RAID and they’re all, “Yeah, RIGHT, lady. Good luck with THAT!”

  28. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:46 pm Krissa Says:

    ALL bug stories will pale in comparison to your spider story and THE STAIRWAY TO DANGER!
    Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight…

  29. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:48 pm Ally Says:

    I.Hate.Spiders. Sorry spider-world. They are fine and do great things, like eat other bugs, as long as they stay away from me. They give me the creepy crawlies. If I accidentally walk through a web, I will completely change my clothes down to my underwear before I am certain the web’s inhabitant has not taken up residence on ME.


  30. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:49 pm Barbara Says:

    NOOOOOO!!! Mr. Sprinkles!!! ๐Ÿ™

  31. On August 23rd, 2010 at 3:52 pm Anjali Says:

    I have one of those spiders, too. Ten seconds after knocking down the web, they give me the finger and build another one.

    Talk about efficiency.

  32. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:00 pm MommyLisa Says:

    I have the same feeling about spiders – like them around, just not ON me. eww.

  33. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:12 pm Mon Says:

    I am on a toxic, chemical spraying, hunt. My back yard has become some sort of SA (spiders anonymous) haven for BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS. I have sprayed, smushed and hit many with a board. I had a professional come out and exterminate outside. I’ve had the heebie-jeebies for a few weeks now! Your spider, while menacing and leg-shaking, seems much cooler!

  34. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:24 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    When I moved into my house in Phoenix it had been vacant for about 2 years and had a bit of a scorpian problem. Im a big girl when it comes to bugs…yes, Im a screamer thankyouverymuch. So 3 days into living in this house Im sitting in the bathroom handling by bidness, I look the the right to reach for some TP and there is a big ol scorpian on the corner of the sink…INCHES AWAY from me!! After the panic came down a bit I grabbed a glass and put it over top of the evil bastard, then put a book and a show on top, just in case it had super strength. It stayed like that for another 6 hours till my other half came home, laughed his butt off at me and killed it. 8 years later those damn things still make me cringe!!

  35. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:28 pm Kristy Says:

    I am giving you the Blogger Rock Star Award tomorrow at my site!

  36. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:34 pm Opto-Mom Says:

    Me no likey the spiders! Scorpions either! I just killed one in the dining room yesterday. WTF!

  37. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:37 pm Becca Says:

    Ok, so The Diva, who is now 15, warned me when I moved in that she was deathly afraid of butterflies. That was almost 4 years ago, and still she is horrifyingly (read-run around the yard screaming) terrified of butterflies. So I asked why.

    Turns out when she was 6 or 7 she found a butterfly outside frozen to the porch. You know it gets damn cold here in Missouri, even in the spring. So, she lovingly took the butterfly in the house to warm it up. As any 6 or 7 year old knows, the best way to warm something up is to put it in the microwave. The butterfly was in the microwave warming up (only for a short time, I’m told) when it suddenly and without warning exploded. Apparently butterflies are combustible. She is still terrified to this day.

    Is that some funny crap or what?? I still laugh about that every time she tells the story.

  38. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:37 pm Queen of the Rant Says:

    LMFAO spider babies in my ear- eww I hate baby spiders-if you have ever watched them hatch it is soooo effin creepy they swarm out of the egg things like millions of them ewww its givin me the jeebies just thinking about it.

  39. On August 23rd, 2010 at 4:55 pm Fran Says:

    I was LUCKY enough to get the same dorm room for my 3 years of dorm dwelling in college. It was a pretty sweet room, right next to the laundry/ice machine on the ground floor and all. Anyhoo. Up under the edge of the light fixture in the front half of my room was a ginormous spider that I named Fred. He lived there as long as I did and was still alive the day I moved out for the last time.
    Fast forward 14 years and now I have 7 chickens in my backyard. When we find a bug in the house, we vacuum it up with the dust buster and with the vacuum still on, we go out to the backyard. Then we dump the vacuum contents out for the chickens to eat the bug/spider. Now whenever they hear the vacuum, they come running. We have seen them eat wasps, black widow spiders, bumblebees, a large frog and a small snake. I heart my chickens!!

  40. On August 23rd, 2010 at 5:07 pm The Sweetest Says:

    It’s spider season over here, too- but we’ve gotta watch out for the black widows (shudder).

  41. On August 23rd, 2010 at 5:19 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    Excellent reinactment!!! Maybe you should watch “Charlotte’s Web”…the animated version with Debbie Reynolds not Julia Roberts. You wouldn’t want to kill Debbie Reynolds would you???

  42. On August 23rd, 2010 at 5:35 pm andrea Says:

    OK, I thought this before, but now I know for sure: You are one crazy lady!

    Keep up the good work.



  43. On August 23rd, 2010 at 5:58 pm Kristin Says:

    I <3 you Aunt Becky. This story almost makes me feel better about last night. Go check out my crazy mishap.

  44. On August 23rd, 2010 at 6:06 pm blueviolet Says:

    You gotta take out more than the web every morning. Kill that web designer!

  45. On August 23rd, 2010 at 6:13 pm Melissa Says:

    Ok, #1 that was funny as hell.

    Bug story.. When I moved back from Las Vegas to NJ I lived with the Rents for a bit. My new room was my sisters old room and it was fucking awesome. Seriously, as big as my whole damn apartment, private entrance and a bathroom!

    Anyway, there was this little box shaped thing in the wall with a handle on it. Of course I wanted to see what was behind the door because DUH! So I pulled the handle and… Nothing was there, it was a door to nowhere, just the inside of the wall. Weird right? So I walked away, forgeting to put the door back on to the hole to nowhere and went out drinking. The next morning, my room was FILLED with yellow jackets, the buzzing woke me up. There were like millions of them. A SWARM! So I covered myself up in my blanket and cried, then I called my father upstairs to let him know my sitch and plan an escape. His plan, get out of bed slowly then RUN! And shut the fucking door behind you. I was NAKED! So I took the blanket with me and ran with it over my head. I had to borrow my mothers clothes and she is like 6 feet tall and 200 pounds so I had lots of room that day, we waited until night when they were MOSTLY all back in their nest in my wall, and we bombed the hole to nowhere and put the door back on. Then I stepped on one and it stung my foot. That asshole.

  46. On August 23rd, 2010 at 6:46 pm April K. Says:

    Ok, so I know spiders are good for eating bugs and what not but I hate them. Totally freak me out. Years ago, right after Joshua had been born, I was sitting on our couch nursing him and, out of the corner of my eye, noticed this big ass black, hairy spider RUNNING towards me on the back of the cushions. I screamed, Joshua wailed, and then the cat – who was woken up by our screaming – hopped up onto the couch and ate the damn thing. Two weeks later Halloween rolls around and you know what my mother fucking husband (I love you, honey!) did? I happened to be sitting on the couch (nursing – again) and he came over to me all lovey lovey and bent down to kiss me…then he walked away. Approx 30 seconds later I noticed yet another huge black THING sitting on the back of the couch and basically went bat shit crazy. I started screaming about how we needed to get an exterminator because “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” and all he did was stand there and laugh hysterically. Once I’d finally calmed down I realized that the whole lovey lovey kissing thing was just a ruse so that he could distract me long enough to place one of those nasty, giant, fake spiders on the back of the couch. I’m still trying to figure out how to get back at him.

  47. On August 23rd, 2010 at 6:53 pm moonspun Says:

    We have an amazing array of American House Spider that live on our house in our eaves. They stay outside for the most part and aren’t in a place where we can walk into them. I’ve seen them eat dragon flies, fireflies and various other insects. It’s like our own nature show.

  48. On August 23rd, 2010 at 7:10 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    you may not be an amazing photographer, but you’ve got kick-ass photoshop skills… those spiders are so lifelike! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  49. On August 23rd, 2010 at 7:37 pm Hockeymandad Says:

    I bet that spider pooped in your flowers. Or I bet it pooped in Dave’s dinner. Good thing is even pretend cats have 9 lives, so it has 8 left.

    Besides, why didn’t you ask yourself “Self, what would Brian Boitano do?” because then the answer would had made a squishy noise as it landed in your lap.

  50. On August 23rd, 2010 at 7:53 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:

    I love spiders. If they’re in the house, they get scooped up in a cup and put back outside. Only female spiders spin webs, so you got yourself a girlfriend out there. Maybe the leg shake was more of a “I like you, Aunt Becky!” ๐Ÿ™‚

  51. On August 23rd, 2010 at 7:53 pm Links: Teen Made To Babysit For Free As Punishment | nOOb Dad Says:

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  52. On August 23rd, 2010 at 9:02 pm Ann Says:

    I might need to retell this story on Halloween…..It’s kind of like a demented Raven except Aunt Becky is way more amusing than that Edgar Allen Poe.

  53. On August 23rd, 2010 at 9:29 pm AmyBlam Says:

    Dude, spiders are better than my fears. Slugs and shower curtains.

  54. On August 23rd, 2010 at 9:42 pm thenextmartha Says:

    I came, I saw, it scared me. I may never sleep again

  55. On August 23rd, 2010 at 9:54 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    You are SO gonna wake up with SpiderEgg Ear in the morning.

  56. On August 23rd, 2010 at 9:57 pm Yvonne! Says:

    thank you for not actually posting real pictures of the dreaded arachnid as my dear PW did and i couldn’t go to her page for days. terri-fucking-fying. eek.

  57. On August 23rd, 2010 at 10:13 pm The_Ambient_One Says:

    I am actually really happy to see that there are other people out there terrified of fish! My phobia can sometimes be kept underwraps, but if I am put in a situation where there are life fish at eye height all around me (like at a pet store if they have you walk through the rows of fish tanks) I’ve been known to go into a full blown panic attack.

  58. On August 24th, 2010 at 10:11 am AuntieEmBabes Says:

    fish are creepy, I can’t deal with the aquarium part of pet stores either

  59. On August 23rd, 2010 at 10:42 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:

    You ever see that scene in Star Trek: The Revenge of Khan in which Khan sends that spider thing into Chekov’s ear canal? And it eats its way into his cerebral cortex? No reason, just wondering…

  60. On August 23rd, 2010 at 10:43 pm K A B L O O E Y Says:

    I am Nomad. I am perfect. (so maybe a robot)

  61. On August 23rd, 2010 at 10:57 pm Neeroc Says:

    Has there been a lot of NyQuil in your recent past? (I can’t even type it’s name without hearing Denis Leary, ‘NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q’

    Anyway. Sorry to hear about Mr. Sprinkles.

    As for bug stories, there really is nothing better than a cottage in the middle of butt-fuck Quebec to bring out the bugs. I’m not sure why we ever went back, first there were the weekends where every moth under the stars hatched and flung itself against the cottage windows. Look up Luna moth – wingspan like 5″. Have a couple of those as well as a few other hundred assorted moths fly at your picture windows.
    Then there are the weekends were the midges infest. Of course they’re smaller than the openings in the screen and they only live one day. So nothing like waking up to a ceiling literally swarming with them…knowing that you can’t fall back asleep because they die during the night and will fall on you, and in your mouth, nose, ears, hair…ugh.
    And those aren’t even the bugs that will try to eat you alive.
    Yep, plenty of bug-lovin’ at the cottage.

  62. On August 23rd, 2010 at 11:50 pm pamtastic Says:

    Good story? Not sure if this is good, but it seriously happened like 2 hours ago. I was cleaning the bathroom and behind me I hear a big “thud” that what I thought was any one of four children throwing something at me that should not be thrown indoors. I begin to yell at the aforementioned children as I turn around but once I’m fully turned I see the biggest effing cricket on the floor! This thing was like HUGE, if there were a biggest cricket section in the Guiness Book of World Records, ole Jiminy here could have won! This thing was so big it looked just like the magnified x 100 pictures in my 3rd grade science book. I could see the spots on it (didn’t know crickets had spots, but they do one their legs!) and I could see it’s nasty buggy bug hair blowing in the breeze! It was so big, I couldn’t bare to kill it and feel it’s exoskeleton break under my own force so I decided to trap it and flush it. Yeah…that’s right…trap it and flush it. Flushing = easy, trapping = so the opposite of easy. It took me 10 full minutes of shrieking of darting around a tiny little bathroom to catch this beast! Once I had him safely secured under the plastic cup, I slid a piece of cardboard under it and tossed him in the porcelin altar! Flush #1 – Jiminy Cricket did not go down, that bastard apparently has quite a grip! Flush #2 – Jiminy…half way down, came back up; apparently he can also “swim”. Flush #3 with a shot of toilet bowl cleaner chaser is the winner! SCORE!

  63. On August 24th, 2010 at 8:13 am guinspeg Says:

    Oh holy motherfucking hell! I hate EM! I shall never sleep again!!!! spiders in Oz are AWFUL and DEADLY so ain’t no way I’d lovingly sweep away the web the evil thing just made and is now ANGRY at me for destroying….

    they look like this:
    (don’t look if you have a phobia)

    and THIS:

    Seriously, I’ve seen one of those bird eating spiders the size of a dinner plate be ‘contained’ under a 20L bucket… and move the bucket.

    Never. Sleeping. Ever. Again. *shudder*

  64. On August 24th, 2010 at 8:15 am guinspeg Says:

    I iz NOT a robot Aunt Becky!! I promise!

  65. On August 24th, 2010 at 9:22 am Aunt Juicebox Says:

    My husband has Spi-Dar. If there is a spider within a one mile radius, it will find him, and he will walk into a room and instantly lay eyes on it. It’s creepy. He likes to also do a spider imitation whenever he tells me about how one attacked him in the shower or whatever, and for some reason, they always have a Mexican accent.

  66. On August 24th, 2010 at 9:49 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    ALL spiders should have Mexican accents. ALL of them.

  67. On August 24th, 2010 at 9:39 am katrina Says:

    awwwwwww R.I.P. Mr. Sprinkles!

  68. On August 24th, 2010 at 11:03 am Jim Says:

    When I was living in Taiwan, after the street markets closed at 10PM, the cockroaches came out. They’re 3-5inches long, some of them could fly. They were better fed than me from all the food dropped on the street. I sometimes left work late. Luckily, the cockroaches avoided any light, so I could jump from small pool of streetlight to streetlight to avoid them. Walking in the shadows guaranteed a roach would crawl over my foot.

    The worst was when they were on the ceiling and dropped down to attack as I was walking past.

  69. On August 24th, 2010 at 11:17 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I seriously just died. Like a lot. I’m COMPLETELY terrified of cockroaches for absolutely no good reason.


  70. On August 24th, 2010 at 11:22 am sarah Says:

    Wait. What now?!! Trapped in the tendrils of a Portuguese man o’ war?!! I read the whole post but had a hard time getting past that! And now will be terrified of the waters forever…

  71. On August 24th, 2010 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. And let me tell you that it hurt like a motherfucker.

  72. On August 24th, 2010 at 9:37 pm karen Says:

    you know, you put the idea out there, and even the MinFin SPIDERS listen to you. Was attacked by a big one at my front door this morning!!! I even knew the webs were there, it had been alternating on them for a week on either side of my door. And today it attacked. Thanks oh Aunt Becky. Yeesh!

  73. On August 24th, 2010 at 11:54 pm jess Says:

    my bug story…
    a huge, silver dollar sized spider, with fangs, CRAWLED ON MY NECK IN THE DARK. when i turned on the light and saw that mother effer just kickin’ it on my comforter i almost hyperventilated.

  74. On August 25th, 2010 at 2:27 pm That Mama Says:

    I have a spider story for you…

    Enjoy!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  75. On August 25th, 2010 at 8:54 pm Maria Says:

    OH…EHM…GEE. I have tears in my eyes. Tears of laughter this time, rather than uhm, dirt in my eye, as your posts have done to me lately.

    We have a ltitle bat friend on our porch. He freaked us the fuck out, especially when we realized his eye was open in a pic we took during the daytime.

    We thought we were rid of him, then say his poop on the porch again. Hubby powerwashed the hell out of the whole porch, brick, siding and all, then saturated everything in simple green and odo ban.

    Doncha know the bastard came back. Not only that but apparently he didn’t get the memo that bats are nocturnal. Tried to go ont he porch at around 11PM and not only was he all out there hanging upside down and stuff but he was all OPENING his eyes and looking at us like what the fuck are you doing in my motherfucking bedroom humans?!

    So, DH did what any man would do. I hid behind the launry room door while he sprayed brake cleaner at it. It flew away and DH moved faster than I have ever seen that man move. Ha ha ha.

    Here’s hoping he doesn’t come back for a second helping!!

  76. On August 29th, 2010 at 9:28 am TheBeerLady Says:

    Oh, my dear Aunt Becky…you want bug stories? I could devote an entire blog to bug stories. Spider stories, even. Because I am, most assuredly, arachnophobic.

    Would you like to hear about the time I ran outside at 3 a.m. in my jammies to flag down a passing police car because of a spider in my kitchen? Or the day I flagged down a cop to kill a spider on my patio? (Same cop, even.) How about the day I called in sick to work because there was a HUGE spider in my bathtub and I couldn’t take a shower? (I had to wait for my by-then-close-friend the spider-killing cop to get off work and come kill it.)

    Or maybe the night I woke up because the cat was running up and down on the bed, only to find out he was chasing not one but TWO spiders the size of my f’in head that were in the bed with me. IN. THE. BED.

    Great. Now I’ve seriously freaked myself out with thoughts of those eight-legged demon spawn from hell. I’ll be spending the entire day looking over my shoulder for the one that’s getting ready to attack….

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