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It Always Comes Back To Those Damn Geese

June29

It’s taken me four years of painstaking work to get my house to look as though we’re not a family of squatters who just happened upon a house and moved in. Hell, I’m just now trying to get my downstairs painted from the hideous green that our previous owners decided was “soothing.”

It’s not fucking soothing. It’s INFURIATING.

(I’m also colorblind, so while it may APPEAR a nice color to you, it looks like cat shit smeared on the walls)

Anyhow, one of the first things I did, beyond repair our hideous downstairs bathroom was to start work on the landscaping.

Now you probably don’t think “landscaping” and “Aunt Becky” should appear in the same sentence, and you would be right. I nearly broke both ankles using a pickaxe last summer, to a chorus of laughter from everyone else involved.

(shut your whore mouth)

See what I had to work with here?

This summer has, thus far, been devoted to watching cat videos and replacing the stuff I ripped out last summer. So I’m outside a lot.

Last week, before I left for Assville, I was outside, planting some roses in the rain, humming the Pina Colada song (I always replace “pina” with “penis” because I am a classy broad) and I remembered something stored previously in the dark, dank recesses of my mind.

Those Geese.

Well, okay, I thought they were ducks, until The Twitter pointed out I was wrong. The Twitter is good for that.

But anyway, I was all, “self, whatever HAPPENED to those stupid ducks that people used to dress up in wee clothing? The ones that I may or may not have stolen clothing off of when I was an asshole teenager.”

I honestly couldn’t recall the last time I’d seen a goose in wee rainboots and that made me fairly stabbity. Not because I wanted to see one, mind you, but because geese are Of The Devil. Had they been otters – which rate high on the cuteness scale – I’d never have stolen their clothes.

But since the plaster geese seem to be extinct, I think it’s high time for something to replace it. ANOTHER animal for (old) people to dress up for the seasons.

And Pranksters, I’m thinking that what would sell like hotcakes are one of two items that I should probably get started on crafting immediately, if not sooner.

Don’t you want to PREORDER this guy in statue form?

Not convinced? Let me show you his wee clothes:

SEE?

Perfect for the holidays, Pranksters.

Now, Option Two is this Bad Boy:

You MAY have to include a note that says, “no this is not a vicious showerhead.”

But let’s see him in his clothes!

Oui! Oui! Oui! You can see the BASTILLE DAY Sea Lamprey has busted out the wine AND the adorability.

These motherfuckers are going to be selling like HOTCAKES. We should start preordering them IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner.

So that, perhaps Pranksters, will be how I finance the landscaping (and subsequent hospitalizations) I must do this summer. THAT is the way I can leave MY MARK on the world.

Statues.

Who wants in on this, Pranksters?

posted under Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco

62 Comments to

“It Always Comes Back To Those Damn Geese”

On June 29th, 2011 at 11:00 am Brandon Says:
Ollie the Christmas Eel…. wishing you and yours a MERRY MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!

Love it.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:05 am kadield Says:
fucking. brilliant. /salute
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:15 am Heather P Says:
Fake flowers outdoors on a fence-all I can say is “why?” Now I need some eye bleach!
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
It took me AGES to remove them, too. I’m a little too short to reach them, and, well, they were EVERYWHERE. And tied to the fence with CLIPS.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:25 am Noe Says:
Adorable. Reminds me a bit of this guy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/61840860/great-white-shark-print-8×10

I once had a disagreement with my husband over whether to put gnomes or flamingos in the front yard – I was pro-gnome, which proves my pedigree, but he refused to acknowledge my superior taste. I was willing to compromise and offered to put gnome heads on flamingo bodies, but for some reason that genius idea didn’t get the sparkling reception it so deserves.

In the end, we both agreed to keep our front yard decorated the way it was, with weeds.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:28 am Ewokmama Says:
Whoa, what IS that second thing?? Yikes.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:30 am Brandon Says:
I dunno, but I could see it being a dude’s nightmare…

“Sucky sucky, five dolla??”
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’ll also preorder you six.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Your new porch wrangler! I’ll put you down for six.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:34 am The Mommy Says:
I grew up in the sticks. We once stole a cement pig dressed up for Easter with bunny ears. We also went cow tippin’, so I may not be the best reference for stuff like this, but I always LIKED the pig.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
That is AWESOME. I’d totally want a pig.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:53 am onecookieshort Says:
I didn’t realize that dressing up geese statues was a thing. I just thought my neighbors were odd. They have one sitting outside their front door that they dress up. Each season/major holiday has an “outfit”. Right now it’s dressed in a yellow dress with a bonnet.
On June 29th, 2011 at 11:58 am thepsychobabble Says:
The house down the road has a bear that they dress for seasons/holidays. And across from the daycare, there is a frog statue that always looks quite dashing.
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:09 pm PirateJ Says:
The geese are definitely still around. My mother asked me to go with her to a craft show last week, and there was one whole stall completely dedicated to cement goose clothing.

I don’t even pretend to understand why that’s a thing.

But your creepy fish alternatives are kind of creeping me out.
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
So I’ll sign you up for ten!
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:15 pm Kristin Says:
Those are far more entertaining than the pink flamingos my husband always threatens to buy…plus, I think they would horrify my MIL a wee bit more.

BTW, Oriental Trading use to sell pink flamingos with seasonal clothing but they pale next to your idea
On June 29th, 2011 at 2:25 pm Coleen Says:
I was going to suggest the same thing! Looks like no one has them any more
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:29 pm Kristin Says:
I had no idea that dressing up fake animals in seasonal attire was a THING. Why don’t I know this? I grew up in Maine which I thought invented lawn art. We had lots of those metallic crystal ball things set on a pedestal, which I never understood, as well as wooden cutouts that looked like chubby ladies bending over in your yard with their poke-a-dot knickers showing. That’ll be a head-scratcher for the anthropologists 500 years from now.
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:49 pm Evil Twin's Wife Says:
The former owners of our house were super nice, but the Mrs. REALLY loved the color PINK. It was everywhere, right down to the pink, scuzzy CARPET in the BATHROOM. Curtains, walls…nothing was safe from her pink frenzy. She also loved wallpaper (ugly 1970s whorehouse from the Bunny Ranch wallpaper). The pink and the wallpaper are all gone now. Finally.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:34 pm sylvia Says:
carpet in bathroom…YUCKY!
On June 30th, 2011 at 11:13 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
BLECH indeed.
On June 29th, 2011 at 12:51 pm Angie H Says:
I totally thought they were ducks, until I realized I had too many cocktails and have no freaking clue what you were referencing. Then I went on a search to prove you right, which didn’t go too well…. Here’s what I found. http://www.zazzle.com/beware_of_ducks_in_raincoats_tshirt-235973918119448272

That’s when I just gave up.

You could go with the geoduck. It’s essentially a penis with a shell on. 😀
On June 29th, 2011 at 1:28 pm Marie Says:
Oui! Oui! Omg I almost peed myself. I’ll take 26.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Excellent. This was a WISE business investment for sure.
On July 11th, 2011 at 11:08 pm HeatherS Says:
Oui, Oui, me, too!
On June 29th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Sue J. Says:
The beret on the Lamprey is killer. Had to change clothes. Thanks a LOT.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:46 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
Bwahahaha. You know you want three of those bad-boys.
On June 29th, 2011 at 2:27 pm Coleen Says:
My cousin has 2 5 foot tall Nutcrackers that she has in the window over her front door. She keeps them there year round and dresses them for each holiday. Decided that was easier than storing them after Christmas
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
That’s both frightening and awesome.
On June 29th, 2011 at 2:57 pm txjennk Says:
Aunt Becky, you scare me. I’ll take a dozen of each.
On June 29th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Bekah Says:
Thank you (birthday buddy) for acknowledging how utterly creepy geese are. *shiver* The eels are creepy too but in a “COOL, that’s creepy” way. I’ll stop referring to us sharing a birthday before THAT gets creepy……In a not cool way.
On June 29th, 2011 at 3:17 pm Bekah Says:
Thank you (birthday buddy) for acknowledging how utterly creepy geese are. *shiver* The eels are creepy too but in a “COOL, that’s creepy” way. I’ll stop referring to us sharing a birthday before THAT gets creepy……In a not cool way.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:
See, it’s my FAKE birthday, which makes it even better.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:47 pm Bekah Says:
I know this. Are you aware that makes you a full Leo instead of a Leo/Cancer?
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:47 pm Bekah Says:
I know this. Are you aware that makes you a full Leo instead of a Leo/Cancer?
On June 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
I’m WAY more of a Leo.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:28 pm sylvia Says:
If you like penis colada and jerking off in the rain…

oops…going to read the rest of the post now.
On June 29th, 2011 at 4:31 pm sylvia Says:
Hahaha that second fish looks like a giant dildo. The bad kind though.
On June 29th, 2011 at 5:05 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:
My neighbor decorates his yard with homemade dog obstacle course hoops and crap for dogs that are so high strung they should be on Prozac. Which is why my new fence is going up next week.
On June 30th, 2011 at 11:12 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
And THAT is what I would do, too.
On June 29th, 2011 at 5:33 pm Grace Says:
There was a house in my home town with a large wooden cow on the front of their house. It was always dressed festively for each holiday and season.

I think I need 10 of each kinds of the statues. They’re sexy.
On June 29th, 2011 at 7:03 pm KaraB Says:
While I love the lamprey’s jaunty little beret, I think he would give me nightmares and I would fear that he was coming to suck out my bone marrow while I slept!
On June 29th, 2011 at 7:53 pm Sarah P Says:
I hope that snake never goes down on me.
On June 29th, 2011 at 8:17 pm C @ Kid Things Says:
The sad thing is I helped gift my before-kids-boss one of those stupid geese. I think she would have much rather had a French Sea Lamprey.
On June 29th, 2011 at 9:56 pm Kristin Says:
There’s a house in the city I pass semi-often and in the corner of their front yard, not obtrusive at all, in fact you may not even notice it, but they have a stone rhino. It’s about 2ft tall so maybe 3 ft long – whatever- point is, it’s made of stone so not glaring. EXCEPT that they decorate him for the seasons – Mardi GRAS beads, St Pat hat, etc. It cracks me up and I will admit if you could come up with a more, ahem, non gross statue, I’m totally in. You could have contests for who’s otter is the tackiest for Kentucky Derby Day!!!
On June 29th, 2011 at 9:56 pm Kristin Says:
There’s a house in the city I pass semi-often and in the corner of their front yard, not obtrusive at all, in fact you may not even notice it, but they have a stone rhino. It’s about 2ft tall so maybe 3 ft long – whatever- point is, it’s made of stone so not glaring. EXCEPT that they decorate him for the seasons – Mardi GRAS beads, St Pat hat, etc. It cracks me up and I will admit if you could come up with a more, ahem, non gross statue, I’m totally in. You could have contests for who’s otter is the tackiest for Kentucky Derby Day!!!
On June 29th, 2011 at 10:04 pm Jess Says:
The eel? I’ll take 6.
The other thing, the mouth? No. Just… No. BAD.
On June 30th, 2011 at 1:53 am Zak Says:
http://www.terrysvillage.com/goose-with-summer-seasonal-costumes-a2-91_34230.fltr

Geese in Summer Seasonal Costumes are totally all the rage.

I am rather fond of the GOOSE IN A COCONUT BRA, WTF.
On June 30th, 2011 at 7:41 am Wendy Says:
haha.. That 2nd thing is NASTY! and FAKE FLOWERS???? Why??
On June 30th, 2011 at 8:18 am wagthedad Says:
I like all of it. I love the fake flowers and the crazy showerhead. Is that a lamprey? Isn’t that what they’re called? Where can I get me one of them? Sign me up!
On June 30th, 2011 at 8:30 am Lippy Says:
Holy hell! That second thing freaks me the hell out. I need to unsee that.
On June 30th, 2011 at 9:26 am Jenn3128 Says:
Is it possible to get the lamprey with a side order of Mike Rowe? He seemed to handle those beasties rather well!
On June 30th, 2011 at 10:53 am Jenn3128 Says:
I am not a robot, just new the Aunt Becky family! Please can I come in??!!
On June 30th, 2011 at 11:10 am Your Aunt Becky Says:
Of course! He’ll be an option.
On June 30th, 2011 at 10:03 am Amy Says:
Not gonna lie, I thought the eel was a snake, and for a minute my blood ran cold (such is my fear of snakes).
On June 30th, 2011 at 10:20 am Carrie Says:
My mom went to cosmotology school in the 60s and had this sort of manequin head that she had used to practice haircutting techniques on. The head’s name was Lisa, and she came complete with garish painted on make-up and no body below the neck. When I was in college, she sat in the front window of my apartment and I decorated her for various holidays–bunny ears for Easter, headband with glittery shamrocks on springs for St. Patrick’s Day, a truly creepy clown mask for Halloween, bottlerockets in her hair for Guy Fawkes Day, Santa hat (and cigarette) for Christmas, Happy New Year’s tiara–she had quite the wardrobe. Wonder what happened to her…
On June 30th, 2011 at 10:30 am Manda Says:
OMG. The eel. The eel had me in tears. He went from aggressive and scary, with me recoiling in terror in the first photo, to happy-go-lucky man about town in the second photo. Not unlike Dick Van Dyke (whom I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with).

I’ll take 56 eels in wee clothing.

Also, from now on anytime I come across something or someone scary, I’m going to imagine them with a top hat on. Because that is brilliant.
On June 30th, 2011 at 2:19 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:
I mean, sure, the creepy eel does well pull off his top hat. But it doesn’t make me feel as though I’m welcome – clearly I’m stopping him from attending to his important business.

Maybe a bathrobe and slippers would put me more at ease.

(Just suggestions for his additional costumes, which I assume will start being produced for later shipments, and eventually conform to the seasons.)
On June 30th, 2011 at 4:24 pm Marta Says:
Fake flowers outside have got to be the worst.

I will now only sing Penis Colada. Thank you for that.
On June 30th, 2011 at 10:02 pm Sarah Says:
Fake flowers. Ween-ises. Geese. Eels. Top Hats.
How do you come up with this shit (I say “shit” but in the nicest and coolest form of the word)?
On July 1st, 2011 at 3:24 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:
Ewwwww…that bottom thing will give me nightmares. It’s like a toilet scrubber with eyes. Gross!
On July 2nd, 2011 at 1:45 am Stuff I Starred Saturday – I’ll Take What I Can Get « LucidLotusLife Says:
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