Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Inside Out, And Round And Round


Today I finally broke down and did something I had vowed not to do again for a long while.

We were out shopping for something resembling a winter coat for the Wee One but what we ended up with was one for the Big One. See, I couldn’t remember what on Earth you are supposed to dress a baby in for the winter. Standard coats don’t work well because they ride up and look all uncomfortable, but the snowsuits are too damn hot for everyday use.

We found absolutely nothing, so we’re going to have to make do with some sweaters and blankets for a bit. I suppose I could throw him in his Halloween costume, but I have a feeling people might suspect me of being clinically insane if I show up to do my grocery shopping with a gigantic hotdog in tow. Oh yeah, a hotdog. Because someday he too will want to be Darth Vader for Halloween instead of a chicken (ahem, BEN.).

While we looked, Daver picked himself out a pair of jeans, which emboldened me to go alooking for something other than maternity gauchos or maternity yoga pants to wear. You see, a couple of months ago, I decided to go and purchase myself a pair of pants to wear that didn’t have an elastic waistband. The results were disasterous and completely humiliating, and I can assure you that if you did happen to see me weeping at the Gap that horrible day, no, I’m not insane. Just feeling discouraged.

I was only able to wear those pants a handful of times because each time I did so, I felt extremely discouraged and upset with myself. I didn’t WANT to be a fat pregnant lady and I didn’t WANT to be a fat postpartum lady, my body just likes to make damn certain that the baby is well padded and fed.

But winter is a-coming quickly around here (so glad I just bought that window A/C unit!) and the stretch pants are starting to unravel, so I sucked it up. I pulled out a pair of pants from the stack and shamefully marched my ass into the dressing room, fully expecting them not to fit.

Fit they did, and I could not be more thankful of that. My diet, after months of trying with other methods, is finally working.

To be clear, they are NOT the size that I was before I got pregnant, but hey, they’re only 2-3 sizes bigger. AND THEY DON’T HAVE AN ELASTIC WAISTBAND!

And now I feel like a million bucks.

Especially since that 0.5 lbs gain on the scale this week is neatly attributed to the fact that after 15 months, I once again have my period. Lucky, lucky me.

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