Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I’m Freak-A-Licious


Wow! I never expected my search terms to turn up so many new people! Hi Lurkers! Thanks for showing your face! Stick around, I’m just getting started here.

(Having Lurkers de-Lurk is thus far the highlight of my day. Stupid snow making life annoyingly annoying.)

I did notice, however, that none of my fabulously sexy Lurkers confessed to finding me through searching for cheeseburger crotch, which makes me believe that there must be more of you out there.

My dear friend Stef tagged me for a meme, the only one I usually do, but anyone who has read me for any length of time knows that I’ve done this one before. Thankfully, being freak of the week, I have a seemingly endless supply of Odd Crap About Me.

Without further adieu, I present to you the Six Odd-er-er things about me (what I should call this is Why Becky Is A Freak):

1. When I was 14, my dreams of becoming an opera singer were promptly dashed by the removal of my tonsils (to be clear, I couldn’t sing before I had them out either. Well, I could sing, but it was and still is a frightening experience) and adenoids. While not having my tonsils has proven to be a Very Good Thing for the state of my health (they were necrotic), it has left me with a most irritating side effect.

I cannot drink from a water fountain without the water coming straight out of my nose. This means that when I blow chunks, it always comes out my nose as well. AND lastly (and sadly for my poor The Daver), it makes the gentle art of a blow job nearly impossible. I promise that having The Spooge come out of your nose is at least as unpleasant as it sounds.

Maybe more so.

2. After years of handling scalding hot plates as a waitress, I have very little sensation for warmth on my hands. Overall, this isn’t that bad until it comes time to give one of the kids a bath, and I have to use different parts of my body (like my elbee-bone) to test the temperature. Because to me, it can be nearly boiling and I would not be able to tell. And I don’t wish to cook my kids in their bathwater (they wouldn’t be very tasty).

3. I have only been tasked with mowed a lawn once in my life, and even then, I bribed my Metal Heads to do it for me. It’s not like I’m phobic about it or anything, and it isn’t even that we don’t have a lawn to mow (we do, oh laws yes, we do), it’s just never been my job. Hell, it’s not really The Daver’s job either (don’t let him fool you) as I pay the neighbor kid to do it.

$20 is so worth it (although I might get a service this year IF IT EVER FREAKING STOPS SNOWING LONG ENOUGH).

4. Despite calling myself “Aunt Becky” on the Internet, I absolutely hate people who assume familiarity (although, possibly even weirder, this doesn’t apply to my blog. Shit, tell me about your fetish for breast milk, it’s cool. And heeeyyy, want to buy some?) in real life. Friendliness is one thing (and I like it), but I if I don’t know you, don’t act like I want to stand in the aisle at Target and listen to your boring life story because I assure you that I want nothing more than to bean you in the head with cleaning products and run away shrieking.

5. Although I do have an abiding love for tomato-based products (mmmm…ketchup…mmm), the very act of looking at a raw tomato makes my stomach heave and threaten to blow. And getting me to touch one would have to be under strict bribery with a brand new purse or something. Damn, even writing about this made me a little queasy.

(shudder, shudder)

Sounds like *I* need some Occupational Therapy, eh?

6. When I was about three, I decided that I no longer wanted to be “Becky” but was going to change my name to “Smurfette.” And even when I tried, no one would call me by that name which inflamed me to no end. I guess my schitzophrenic tendencies showed up early, huh?

Little did I know that when I got older, I *would* be a lone female among a sea of males, just like my idol.

As per usual, I am refusing to tag people for this meme because if I’ve done this one three times, the rest of the Internet has done it approximately 5,478 times, and I believe that not every one is as full of weird traits as I am.

So, I tag YOU, Lovely Internet, Oh Light of my Life, to leave me a comment with an odd fact about you. What’s that you say? You’re trying to tell me that you’ve already DONE THAT BEFORE THE LAST TIME I DID THIS MEME?

Well, Sweetheart, me too.

*air smootches*

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
27 Comments to

“I’m Freak-A-Licious”

  1. On February 26th, 2008 at 11:30 am Juli Says:

    #2: add carrots and some pasta et voila!: children noodle soup.

    We should get lunch together one day.

  2. On February 26th, 2008 at 12:07 pm Yvette Says:

    I found you by googling “spooge!” HA! HA! Love your blog!

  3. On February 26th, 2008 at 1:02 pm shay Says:

    Um I’m coming to the realization that you would HATE me irl. I would be standing beside you with my gaggle of unruly children telling you my life story in Target while they begged and screamed for candy. (why is is right at their level I ask?)

    Fun meme (I’m new to this and just found out what one was).

    The word slooge is just….ew lol. And a perfect description.

  4. On February 26th, 2008 at 1:07 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I can take my underwear off without removing my pants (as long as I can get my arm about knee length up under my britches leg)!!!

  5. On February 26th, 2008 at 2:19 pm Doc Says:

    I have the extremely unuseful talent of being able to remember dates and times of exactly where I was and what I was doing most of my entire life and everyone else who was there with almost photographic clarity and can remember the entire lyrics to any song I have ever heard more than 3 times… but will forget that every Monday morning I have to roll the trash can out to the street for the garbage men to pick up… Go figure. I don’t get it either.

  6. On February 26th, 2008 at 2:33 pm Kristen Says:

    Wow, freak-a-licious is right!
    Weird stuff about me…hmmm…my weird stuff is just so normal to me… Oh, I have many memories of being 3 and under, but I remember them from my toddler brain so I don’t really understand what many of them are. I also remember a ton of thing that apparently did not really happen, or I am the only person on earth who remembers them. Both types of memories I like to babble on and on about at length with whomever will listen. In fact I just like to babble. On and on. about anything. with whomever will listen… is anyone listening??? anyone?

  7. On February 26th, 2008 at 3:39 pm Michelle Says:

    I cannot eat M&Ms right out of the bag, I need to color code them first. I eat my least favorite color first (brown) then proceed on down to my favorite, which may be blue or red depending on the day. Same goes for cereal like Lucky Charms or Captain Crunch w/berries. I eat the oat part first then the sweet part last. And my food can’t touch on the plate.
    I love your blog BTW!

  8. On February 26th, 2008 at 3:52 pm Betty M Says:

    Not sure how i got here – via Niobe I think – definitely not cheeseburgers.

    I cant do hair in plugholes it makes me sick.

  9. On February 26th, 2008 at 4:16 pm Joann Says:

    Let me see there are many.
    My food can’t touch on the plate @ all. I can not go to sleep if there is anything in the sink REALLY.
    My house has to be clean before I leave it in the AM.
    All the beds have to be made or I can not leave the house, & go to work so I guess I am a very routine person.

  10. On February 26th, 2008 at 3:16 pm Chris Austria Says:

    How is this one…My ideal meal is sunny side up eggs on white rice with chocolate milk poured all over it.
    Great post!

  11. On February 26th, 2008 at 3:19 pm Amy Says:

    I have absolutely no gag reflex. In fact, I distinctly remember a time where I wished I did because I felt like I would just feel so much better if I could make myself throw up. However, I tried gagging myself with my fingers and several other longer objects (a ball point pen and the handle of a butter knife) to no avail… I guess in some cases no gag reflex is considered to be a talent.

    By the way this is one meme I have not yet done so I’ll have to think of some more and post it myself.

  12. On February 26th, 2008 at 3:25 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    My husband has the tomato issue too. You two are weird. I, however, am perfectly normal. Because everyone has a crush on Anthony Bourdain, can’t sleep with underwear on and hates coffee, right? RIGHT?

  13. On February 26th, 2008 at 4:32 pm kbreints Says:

    When I was three I got up one saturday morning to watch cartoons with my sister and proceeded to stuff an entire bag on m & m’s up. my. nose.

    I walked into my parents room and said:

    “bobby I av emb & embs up by dose”

    I blew chocolate for a week.

  14. On February 26th, 2008 at 4:39 pm Rambling Amy Says:

    I have a thing for dog noses. I don’t know what it is. I love their sweet bulbous moist schnozolas and I touch them whenever possible. My dog knows enough by now that if she wants something she’d better just come up to me and put her wet little nose on my cheek because that’s the quickest way to some treats. I can’t stand it when dogs lick me though.

    Yes, I am that strange.

  15. On February 26th, 2008 at 5:04 pm Five Husbands Says:

    This should probably be on one of your bad parenting posts but if I bury it here it is less likely to be read by Children’s Services. Wait he is all grown up now, never mind I will tell you anyway.

    When Son No. 2 was in jr. high I went on a weekend jaunt to Madison. While there I attended a Ralph Nader rally; don’t ask me why. Anyway, I needed a souvenir for the boy so I bought him a tshirt, but not just any t-shirt, a “f*ck patriarchy” tshirt.

    He wore it to the movies – and was arrested by the mall police.

    Hey and thank you for that tonsil/adenoid excuse, er I mean story.

  16. On February 26th, 2008 at 5:09 pm Valerie Says:

    Weirdly, I can’t stand to walk around on the [swimming] pool deck barefoot. I love being barefoot, but the pool deck gives me the eebie-jeebies. I actually was dreaming not long ago I had warts! Ew!

  17. On February 26th, 2008 at 4:50 pm Heather Says:

    I time myself during various tasks throughout the day. For example, if I’m out of the shower and dried off BEFORE that specific commercial ends, then I will live and not be consumed by horrid beasts. OR if I can get the Beans up and changed before my microwave beeps then we will be spared utter chaos. You did ask for weird, right?

  18. On February 26th, 2008 at 6:06 pm kate Says:

    oh dear god, i’m laughing so hard about the blow job that i couldn’t finish reading i’m laughing so hard. i will try to get through the rest now.

  19. On February 26th, 2008 at 6:10 pm kate Says:

    you really are freakalicious.

  20. On February 26th, 2008 at 10:05 pm Karen Says:

    I have the same problem when I puke….out the nose it comes. I never understood why.

  21. On February 26th, 2008 at 9:30 pm Victoria Says:

    Freak. A. Licious.

    Ok – me? I have high-test OCD. I can’t get out of bed in the morning unless the minute number on my clock is a Zero or a Five.


  22. On February 26th, 2008 at 11:09 pm LAS Says:

    I have 6 kinds of shampoo and 8 kinds of conditioner in my shower right now. Why? Because, you know, sometimes you want a $1.50 shampoo, sometimes you want a $25 shampoo. Sometimes you want to volumize, sometimes you want to moisturize. Sometimes you want to smell one way, sometimes you want to smell another way. I used to have even more in there at once.

  23. On February 27th, 2008 at 7:45 am Emily Says:

    I cannot stop eating tomato products when pregnant.

    And, I would love excuses to get out of BJs.

  24. On February 27th, 2008 at 2:53 pm niobe Says:

    I am so not revealing any of my freakish traits in this comment. I need to save them all for my own memes.

  25. On February 27th, 2008 at 3:12 pm magpie Says:

    I never buy shampoo. My father travels ALL THE TIME and always takes the hotel amenities, so I pilfer his supply when I visit. I seriously can’t remember the last time I bought shampoo, conditioner or lotion.

  26. On February 27th, 2008 at 6:59 pm Frozen Star Says:

    I’ve been declared the most picky eater ever by both my parents and my friends. But hey, not everyone can like steak right? Or turkey? Or tomato? Or any sort of fish? Or sweet corn? Or gratinated potatoes. Or… oh, you get the point…

    Needless to say, I’ve been forced to eat a lot of stuff that I didn’t like over the years.

  27. On February 27th, 2008 at 11:09 pm Denise Says:

    I about choked on my tongue with the cheezburger crotch. Just what have you been eating Becky? 😉

    My oddity is probably the food touching obession. I cannot have food touching on my plate. It drives me crazy. I also color coordinate my clothes in the closet, tshirts first, then dressier shirts, then dressy shirts, etc.

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