Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

iFarter (alternately: His Father’s Son)


The Daver and I frequently play a game with our kids that I like to call “Whose Genetics Are THOSE?” Anything from cowlicks (me) to inability to turn away from the television while it’s on and drooling slack-jawed like the village idiot at it (Daver, obviously) to preference or distaste for foods (usually, shamefully, me) is fair game.

The genes we’re most proud of are quickest to be claimed: my luscious mane of hair, his ability to get more pee on the floor than in the toilet bowl or to put his dirty socks down the laundry chute, my ability to always be right no matter what. Those are the first to be asserted.

What’s left are the dregs. Or what I THOUGHT were the dregs until a couple of days ago.

You see, the stomach flu is making it’s way around our house in various forms. Ben barfed, I vacated my bowels while feverish on the can at 3 AM, Dave rode the porcelain God all afternoon and Alex (currently) has the screaming shits.

And with the screaming shits, comes, of course, the dreaded flatulence. The kid can now fart loudly enough for me to mistake it for his father. It’ll echo around a room and lay a fine greasy layer of sulfur all over everything, like the rotted egg of a gigantic chicken. I honestly had to check and make sure that Alex had not gotten his hands on my iFart application for my iPhone. He hadn’t.

This, of course, because I am most mature, I find hilarious. Side-splitingly so.

Laughter is a powerful motivator in the eyes of a two year old, so he has now learned to fart on command just to make me laugh. The sense of humor and desire to make someone laugh at all costs is all mine (doubt me? Read this. ‘Nuff said).

But the gas? That’s ALL his father. And I am SO jealous.


My own pocket-sized iFarter.

posted under The Sausage Factory
33 Comments to

“iFarter (alternately: His Father’s Son)”

  1. On April 15th, 2009 at 4:07 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Makes a mother proud.

  2. On April 15th, 2009 at 3:55 pm Jenn Says:

    That’s hilarious! You need to get that on video. 🙂

  3. On April 15th, 2009 at 3:57 pm Miss Grace Says:

    Stomach bugs are the worst.

    I’m one of those zone-out tv watchers. If it’s on, I CAN’T look away.

  4. On April 15th, 2009 at 3:59 pm Kerrie Says:

    I’m sure there’s a game show or something we could sign him up for, don’t you think? “And now introducing … The Amazing! The Incredible! Flagellating Father & Son Team – Farting WinDixie! With Aunt Bex Laughing Like A Loon on the side”. We could take it on the road…I’m sure of it. As long as you get the baby new hats…more big flower hats. Those are essential.

  5. On April 15th, 2009 at 5:15 pm Susan Says:

    I wish I could fart on command. I’d get so much more done at work and people wouldn’t get under my feet in the kitchen. You’re a good parent for reinforcing such a useful skill.

  6. On April 15th, 2009 at 4:24 pm g Says:

    I think I might be a 10 year old deep down because farting and burping makes me laugh too. I have two fart apps on my iphone. Sad, sad.

    Definitely get video of that iFarter…. use it for blackmail one day.

  7. On April 15th, 2009 at 5:48 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    Must be the March 30th thing… my daughter has PROLIFIC farts. Without the aid of stomach flu, she can produce a volume that makes my wife ask which one of us did it (thankfully, she hasn’t figured out that she can blame me).

  8. On April 15th, 2009 at 5:34 pm Sara Says:

    I love it! I too am secretly a 10 year old boy. Hilarious!

  9. On April 15th, 2009 at 5:37 pm mandy Says:

    I have a bunch of those ifarters…sadly though, genetically, they were doomed from all angles.

  10. On April 15th, 2009 at 6:03 pm swirl girl Says:

    uh, forgive me if I don’t get this latest download from Itoots.

  11. On April 15th, 2009 at 6:49 pm Susan Says:

    Yep, mine got her father’s farting expertise, too.

  12. On April 15th, 2009 at 7:11 pm Fancy Says:

    Oh dear, trust me on the gas thing. I’m allergic to everything, and my gas makes even the dog go, “holy crap, what is that smell!?” When a teenage boy and the dog don’t want to be around you, it’s no longer funny…

  13. On April 15th, 2009 at 8:51 pm heather Says:

    So funny I’m crying – the imagery of Ring Around the Rota. LMAO.

  14. On April 15th, 2009 at 8:41 pm amy Says:

    Ahhahahaha…..burping poop??!!! That is beyond gross and oh so funny!!! I have had the worst week….this made me laugh harder than I have in a while! Thanks for sacraficing your privacy for the sake of comedy. That’s awesome!

  15. On April 16th, 2009 at 12:31 am Ames Says:


  16. On April 16th, 2009 at 5:25 am Badass Geek Says:

    I want to be able to fart on command. I’d be the life of all the parties.

  17. On April 16th, 2009 at 6:31 am Kristine Says:

    Landon tries so hard to fart on command. He can’t quite do it, but when he farts – it’s manly! So much so that I almost always have to ask him if he’s pooped, to which he says “Nooooo, just FARTS!!!!” Total excitement. I blame his Dad too.

  18. On April 16th, 2009 at 7:54 am deb Says:

    My bff’s daughter (7) has a burp that would make any Bud drinking man proud to claim her as his own.
    Gotta love the bodily functions.

  19. On April 16th, 2009 at 7:15 am lady lemon Says:

    Flatulence on demand is a skill that he can use through out life. Cheers.

  20. On April 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am kbrients Says:

    HAHA! Oh yeah, I have three of them at my house too.

  21. On April 16th, 2009 at 9:56 am The Mom Says:

    Oh man, that is too funny!

  22. On April 16th, 2009 at 10:58 am Amanda Says:

    As long as the farting-on-command doesn’t turn into accidentally-shitting-ones-pants I’m totally game.

    My seven month old farts pretty much non-stop, which my 13 and 15 year old brothers find hi-larious. I mean, it sends them into a ridiculous fit of giggles.

  23. On April 16th, 2009 at 10:43 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    What’s gonna be really funny is when he tries to fart to make you laugh and accidentally shits his pants.

  24. On April 16th, 2009 at 11:21 am Danielle Says:

    AHAHAHA! You dear Alex would fit in nicely here in our home.

  25. On April 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm Sarah Says:

    You said “screaming shits”!! TWICE!! BWaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaha!

  26. On April 16th, 2009 at 11:52 am StuffMomsWant Says:

    Dude, you are so in trouble. He’s going to wait until you’re all out to dinner somewhere, or when you’re having your Sunday school group over or something like that. Then he’ll let ‘er rip. Ask me how I know this 🙂 May I just mention that I have two boys?

  27. On April 16th, 2009 at 12:22 pm mumma boo Says:

    *snort* You said “fart”. Have you taught him to claim them yet? When Cenzo does it, he raises his hand proudly and yells “I toot!”. And who taught him that? Cheeks. She doesn’t want to get blamed. Smart cookie. 😉

  28. On April 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Nit Says:

    That he can fart on demand is impressive….seriously! 🙂

  29. On April 16th, 2009 at 5:19 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I hope he’s not packing extra gifts in his pants with that ability to fart on command when combined with the flu virus!

  30. On April 16th, 2009 at 5:46 pm Sarah @ Says:

    That’s hilarious!

    Unfortunately, if our baby ever learns to fart on command, I’m pretty sure my husband is going to point his finger squarely in my direction lol.

  31. On April 16th, 2009 at 8:51 pm Lola Says:

    Kid farts are really smelly!

  32. On April 17th, 2009 at 5:41 am Madame Yu See Says:

    Gas happens.

    By the way – We wuz robbed of a promised picture of Amelia in her Easter dress with a ‘normal’ bonnet. If she didn’t have a ‘normal’ bonnet, just a picture of her in her dress will do.

  33. On April 17th, 2009 at 8:04 am Lesha Says:

    G hasn’t figured out the farting on demand, I am not such a trainer as you. But he is a general gas factory. Especially in the mornings. He’ll wake up, lay there, fart, and then smile with satisfaction.

    He also gets a real kick out of others farting, like my dad. He’d probably have a blast with your boy.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...