Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

If You’re Looking For Sympathy, You Can Find It In The Dictionary Between Shit And Syphilis


I haven’t been childless in over 6 years. I’ve been married for 2. But I have been informed over and over about how much harder it is to be single than to be married. Not knowing what it’s like to be single and over the age of 20, I can only guess.

Opinions being like assholes and all, here’s my list of why it must be harder to be single and childless than it is to be married + kids.

1. All of those nights that you go out to dinner and HAVE to actually spend your night discussing days events and feelings and other bullshit like that. God, compare that to the screaming baby WHO ONLY WANTS THE TIT and having to constantly have your conversations interrupted with stories about Dora the Explorer. Sheesh, wouldn’t THAT be MORE relaxing?

2. You have to CONSTANTLY remind other people JUST HOW SINGLE YOU ARE and HOW YOU ARE NEVER, EVER GETTING MARRIED so that they never, ever forget it. Even if they don’t care at all either way.

3. You can use every available opportunity to remind your married + kids friends that no matter how much sleep they are not getting or whatever other bullshit they might happen to complain about to remind them that NO MATTER WHAT your life will always be harder. Because you are single.

4. The aroma of baby poo will NEVER fill your bedroom. Add a sleeping baby into the mix, and you won’t EVER have an excuse not to hump! Nothing gets you in the mood for sex like baby poo.

5. You will never have an excuse why you can’t just go to sleep after work and take the night off. Because if you don’t make it to run your grocery store errands, you’ll just have to subsist on takeout food. And Lord KNOWS that it’s more expensive to get takeout for one person than it is for 3 or 4.

6. Overnight, no one wakes you up demanding something that only YOU can provide. And if, by chance, a lover/boyfriend is over and wakes you up, you can roll over knowing that he can get whatever he wants for himself. Unless it’s sex, which you can’t avoid without the gentle aroma of rotting baby poo wafting through the room. It sucks not to be so needed!

7. You can constantly lessen the amount of work that your friends that do not work do by degrading what they have chosen to do with their lives. If you don’t work, and are (gasp!!) supported by someone else (double gasp!!!), what right do you have to complain about ANYTHING!?! Working a stressful job and paying your own bills by yourself makes you a far, far better person, and you should remind anyone else who does not do what you do of that.

8. Any messes that are made in your place are obviously made by you, which sucks because you have no one else to blame it on! If only you had a couple of other people to clean up after so that you could blame them!

9. Getting paid well, getting occasional promotions as well as the occasional “good job!” from the bosses are nothing compared to having nipples bitten almost off or the ever popular “I am not going to live here ANYMORE!” statement when you dare refuse the child something. That sounds like payment enough to me!!! Who wouldn’t feel good about themselves when their 6 year old is having yet ANOTHER tantrum about having to drink his milk!?! Being barfed on, or better yet, having the kid barf on the floor so that you have to then clean the floor too is BETTER than a promotion!

10. Running errands by yourself SUCKS! It’s so much easier to do it with an overanxious 6 year old who cannot keep his hands off anything and a baby that insists on being held the whole time! The shopping cart practically pushes itself!

But daytime TV, (shudder) now THAT’S scary.

posted under Uncle Pervy
6 Comments to

“If You’re Looking For Sympathy, You Can Find It In The Dictionary Between Shit And Syphilis”

  1. On August 19th, 2007 at 7:30 pm Chris Says:

    Wholly un-called for. I don’t decry the amount of work you put into your family, and to suggest that success is anything BUT hard work is truly insulting.

  2. On August 19th, 2007 at 7:37 pm Chris Says:

    Oh, fucking shit. Open mouth, insert foot. I didn’t read the comments on the LAST entry before getting all fired up about this one.

    I’m slinking off.

  3. On August 20th, 2007 at 8:42 am becky Says:

    I have found that the ficus branch is blowing too much air on me today, chilling my poor bones, so I am having Ben fashion a branch from a wee fern instead. Hahaha, and he thought he would have his birthday off!

  4. On August 20th, 2007 at 1:30 pm Kristin Says:

    I like the title. *Wink, wink*

    BTW – may I borrow your slave child? I have a shower that needs cleaning.

  5. On August 21st, 2007 at 1:08 pm becky Says:

    YOU MAY NOT BORROW HE WHO DOES NOT PUT BON-BONS IN HIS MOTHER’S MOUTH! However will I be able to put them into my own gaping yaw?

    And thanks for the title, sexxy, I totally owe you one.

  6. On December 17th, 2009 at 3:50 pm OperatorGirl Says:

    Amen to #7!! I quit my high paying job to *gasp* be a SAHM myself. And all I get for that is comments on how it’s a waste of my skills, what DO we do without a second income and how lazy I must be. Good times.

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...