Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

If You Give Aunt Becky A Room…


Back when I bought this house, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and Jesus played beer pong with me in college (He’s fucking better than I am), I thought that the living room was the least offensive of all the rooms in my house.

The tiny downstairs bathroom had three (THREE!!!) types of wallpaper. The upstairs bedroom was painted Pepto-Bismol pink. The dining room was Cat Pee on Plasterboard colored. The kitchen was (is) some variation of taupe that (still) makes me want to heave whenever I look at it. The family room is painted 3 different motherfucking colors.

So the living room? Not on my radar. Like pants!

That was, until, of course, I had two babies and major abdominal surgery and had to stare at the walls in the living room (also known as the “front room” to those of you who come from places that start with N and end in Dakota). The white looked dingier by the moment. There was a single roller swatch of pure white behind the french doors. The ceiling was a fucking mess.

Take this shot, from the day I closed the deal on the house.

The furniture is not fucking mine.

Looks fine. Besides, of course, the awful furniture, which IS NOT FUCKING MINE.

See? It LOOKS not…so bad! Probably because you’re distracted by the fug furniture.

That wall needs something…else. But I don’t know what.

Sorry, no shot of my ass this time.

I’m still not entirely certain what the room needs, but it needs…moar. Cowbell? Vodka? Perhaps. Or perhaps I should go score that sweet couch on the side of the road, for old times sake.

Thoughts, Pranksters?

I’m afraid that if you don’t help me, I’m going to end up with a Fat Head of me on one of the walls.

36 Comments to

“If You Give Aunt Becky A Room…”

  1. On January 10th, 2012 at 11:56 am Cindy Says:

    I’m no help. i got my pwn fugly to get rid of in the magic bus.

  2. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. Your bus is awesome.

  3. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:04 pm Stacey Says:

    It needs a large mirror or some long ass shelves with picture frames of kids and their art on it. And maybe some candles. Bitches love candles.

  4. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  5. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:07 pm Maggie Says:

    First step – rearrange the pictures – put the horizontal one in the center & hang them all at the same height – the one in the middle is probably at the height you should use.

    What about a crown-molding at the ceiling in an accent color? I like the blue you have – but agree it needs something… A pop of color. Maybe if you changed the pictures. Put them in even larger frames with a matte that contrasted with the walls for a pop of color?!?!!?

    I’m not a designer – I don’t play one on tv – but playing around with the pictures you have is the cheapest & easiest way to make a change.

  6. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was thinking of crown molding in the dining room AND living room.

  7. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:07 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    It’s a pretty shade of blue and your couch looks comfy. Sorry I’m no help. My apartment is a mess.

  8. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That couch is fucking comfy as fuck.

  9. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:10 pm Erin Says:

    My circa 1880’s house has wallpaper in every room. If you try to strip it, it goes down to the original horse hair plaster and crumbles. I long for a crisp, clean wall. I feel your pain.

  10. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That is SO how the bathroom was here. It was fucking bullshit.

  11. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:15 pm Red Says:

    It looks like a 4th picture was removed…what happened to the 4th picture? I’m too obsessed with the apparent twilight-zone time-warp that ate the 4th picture to think of anything else.

    Maybe a hanging plant in a corner? To draw the eyes upwards?

    Or…Apparently (according to a coworker) Michael’s sells these decals that you can stick onto walls, baseboards, window-sills, furniture, whatever, and if you strategically place a half-dozen matching decals of daisies (or whatever floats your boat) then voila! Your room is all pulled together!…and you’re dancing through a field of daisies…or whatever.

  12. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I have three of the vertical pictures in the corner. They look cool that way. But the snap of Amelia doesn’t work there.

  13. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:22 pm alaina Says:

    more picture frames and i like the candles idea.

  14. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:47 pm stacey k Says:

    yes candles..and shiny things…but seriously…i have one word…..

    yes that will solve it all

  15. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:50 pm Marie Says:

    One of my goals for the new year (I don’t make resolutions…they’re for changing something wrong about yourself and DUH I’m perfect.), is to decorate my house. Not in a TOTAL MAKEOVER sort of way, but the walls are effing bare. We’ve lived here 2 years, re-did the basement, so now it’s time. Check out Pinterests decorating stuff. Some of it is bullshit. but much of it isn’t.
    BTW move the most left pic directly under the middle cushion of your couch and put the other two on either side of it. I suggest something to draw your eye up on the left side, like a tall lamp, rather than the table lamp. The former tree thing was ugly, but it served it’s purpose. I’m about to buy a tree decal for on my wall in the basement…big ass wall. you can get them in all sorts of colors. I can’t tell what sort of space your china cabinet is…looks like a changing table next to it…? Good luck.

  16. On January 10th, 2012 at 12:52 pm Grace Says:

    Now you just reminded me of how much I need to paint the walls in my house. I think I may have to blog about it so I can ask my readers for paint color ideas.

    I love the colors you’ve chosen. But I agree. You definitely need more cowbell in there.

    Ooh!! Maybe a fathead of Christopher Walken requesting more cowbell???

  17. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:07 pm THE designer Says:

    ok… I AM an Interior Designer…(*teehee* I LUV my career!)

    Heres an inexpensive way to “tie” everything together. Go to The Target or Ikea and get a large black shelf (or 2 or 3 shorter ones installed next to each other) that would stop about 9-12″ from either side of the sofa-Cnter it on the sofa. Set the pictures (along with some small candles, if you would like!) on the shelf, evenly spaced.

    Then get your ass to Home Goods/Marshalls/Wherever and get 2 mirrors, between 18 & 24″ wide and 33-39″ high and install them overlapping the sofa by about 3″ and then going towards the lamps. The bottom of these mirrors should be at least 3″ above the lamps…but it depends on the total height of said mirrors. The mirrors I am thinking about would be wood framed with wood intersecting the mirror…think lattice or window panes or such (see link Not that color or size, but you get the idea) OR do cool retro style sunburst type mirrors ( ) again not that color and whatever size you can find-but I KNOW you can get similar styles at Home Goods for between $30 & $50ish bucks each.

    The Picture Shelf should be hung so that its at at approx the bottom third of whatever mirrors you decide on.

    Finish off with a chunky yarn throw that has some of the colors of the sofa, the walls, and whatever other accent colors you want-or some throw pillows in the same color scheme as mentioned for the throw.

    OH YA…you need to move either the side table or the lamp on the right hand side (i cant tell from the picture which part is actually askew) so that the spacing is the same on the left & right hand sides of the sofa.

    Yes, I am a goddess. You may throw vodka errrr praise at me later.

  18. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:08 pm Shelley Says:

    I’m a professional house painter and do design consultations with paint all the time. I put my website up there if you wanna look at past houses for color ideas if you wanna repaint, cause a lot of what I do is faux finishes.

    What I’d recommend is a larger painting, with the smaller paintings surrounding it on both sides. There just seems to be too much wall space, too much bright, that is making the room look empty. You need to center the middle painting, but if you wanna put the other paintings higher and lower to be a little different, then cool, it will look good.

    You can also create the look of a painting on the wall, with the use of a tiny “sample can” of black, a “sample can” of another different color of your choice, and some damned good tape – I recommend Frog Tape. You create a border the same width as your other paintings in the black, and the put the other color in the center. It will be a more modern looking wall art piece that you can paint over in the future. If you like a little more old style, get a 3rd can of a similar, but lighter color than whatever you choose for can 2. Get a sponge. Do a sponge affect in the center. This will make it a bit less modern but not fugly traditional.

    Hope this helps ya. Contact me through my website if you have questions.

  19. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:24 pm Pish Posh Says:

    I love the paint color!

    Crown molding and move the frames closer together on the left and something larger on the right – a frame or clock or mirror.

  20. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:31 pm Christen Says:

    Our wall needed ‘something else’ so we put a bunch of frames (20 maybe?) and alternated 8×10 and 5×7. I would take a pic for you but my camera is in my hospital bag in the car and I am ready to give birth any minute now. But the scattering of frames made a huge difference in our room. And I love it!
    Ours is something like this:

  21. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:45 pm Eliza Says:

    Ooooooo… yeah… dig the challenges of painting. As to the photos over the couch – leave them the way they are a stick some small shelves or a cluster of smaller art in between the group on the right and Amelia’s photo. Asymmetrical is the bomb.

    Here in the land of orchids, I’m in a rental house. All flat white interiors. Which. Reflect. The Setting. Sun. Need sunglasses IN the house. The spiders are my decorators in the corners and along the baseboards. They fill the webs with their leftovers from BLD or catch the freaking gnats which come in through the screens. Perfecting the art of removing web & dining debris while leaving the spiders behind to continue their bug removal service.

    Peace to all ~

  22. On January 10th, 2012 at 1:46 pm Sarcasm in Action Says:

    A mirror?
    Wall quotes?

  23. On January 10th, 2012 at 2:03 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Somebody else said it, but I’ll second it – no matter what you do, asymmetrical is the only way to go. That way, you don’t have to get everything all nice and match-y. “Well, DUH, they’re not hung evenly. It’s ASYMMETRICAL, dammit. It’s supposed to be that way.”

    And my furniture is NOT mismatched garage sale hand-me-downs. It’s eclectic, thank you very much.

  24. On January 10th, 2012 at 2:09 pm Sonya H. Says:

    I agree with crown molding. That would rock.

    Also, like the big mirror with the pictures flanking it.

    Or wall sconces that hold CANDLES. I like those, it keeps them away from the little pyromaniacs. Damn kids and fire! I will forever be emotionally scarred by the oldest setting a tissue on fire and throwing it in the trash can….all because of a candle.

  25. On January 10th, 2012 at 4:10 pm jamie Says:

    this is what it needs….

  26. On January 10th, 2012 at 4:37 pm KaraB Says:

    I don’t think I’m much help, I’d totally end up painting it plaid. I also have pink counters in my kitchen and a blue floor, so yeah.

  27. On January 10th, 2012 at 4:41 pm Meg at the Members Lounge Says:

    Why has no one suggested a candelabra for your piano? I would dearly love to picture an Aunt Becky sing-along. Michael Row the Ho’s Ashore, Alleluia…?

  28. On January 10th, 2012 at 5:31 pm Sue at Naperville Now Says:

    a little help, from the Metro in Paris and Ikea.

  29. On January 10th, 2012 at 6:20 pm steph gas Says:

    a mirror and a huge ass picture. there’s a print i’ve seen at ikea of a zebra. something like that. something strange and big. and then the little photos around it.

    i’m not an interior designer. i’m actually really bad at shit like this. i also rent a place that i am dying to paint but awesome husband won’t because a) we don’t know how long we’ll be there, and b) we have to leave the walls a ‘neutral’ color when we leave. he knows me well enough to know that NONE of the colors i’ll pick are anywhere near ‘neutral’.

  30. On January 10th, 2012 at 6:44 pm Andrea Says:

    Three large vertically hung frames with black and white photos of the kids…that’s what the mom in me says…there may not be any decorator in me!

  31. On January 10th, 2012 at 7:34 pm Clip Snark Says:

    Bean bag chair?

  32. On January 10th, 2012 at 8:25 pm Alexis Says:

    No room that has a piano in it is poorly furnished. That’s a direct quote from my mom, who has both a bachelor’s and a doctorate in piano performance.

  33. On January 10th, 2012 at 11:39 pm Ami Says:

    Oooh I like the blue. very pretty. I think I did almost that exact color in my office. 🙂

  34. On January 11th, 2012 at 7:43 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    I feel like I’ve missed the point, as now I’m massively craving some penne with vodka sauce.

  35. On January 11th, 2012 at 8:57 am SharleneT Says:

    All good suggestions. But, would definitely bring the pix closer and either frame with paint or molding. OR, hang a large mirror and have the pix on either side. Cheapest is to bring pix closer and decorate with afghan and/or colorful pillows on couch that can be removed as soon as guest depart! Come visit when you can…

  36. On January 11th, 2012 at 8:51 pm Dana Says:

    OMG! Beccky?? quit spacing the artwork *across* the wall!! GROUPINGS woman … GROUPINGS!

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