Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

If Only She’d Included Richard Simmons Somewhere.


This gem was waiting for me in my inbox. It was too good to keep to myself (feel free to share your OWN fitness ideas in the comments):

Dear Aunt Becky,

Here is one of my favorite fitness tips: you MUST take it seriously or it WILL NOT WORK.

Here goes:

Take a walk…a long walk..alone and away from the kids.(In your yoga pants and Reebok’s)(of course)(NOTE: I have not been compensated in any way to endorse Reebok’s)(I wanted to sound like a real, professional blogger for a minute)

Your walk will be very enjoyable. You will notice the things you’ve never noticed before while in a car. That interesting twist of the trunk of that tree. The amaaazing cloud formations, the squirrels bustling about woods (or are they humping?)

Your feet wont even notice they are walking! You may even get lost (WARNING: this is very probable if you are anything like me!)Don’t forget to bring your Ipod with some Ingrid Michaelson and Freddy Johnson…they have never sounded so good as when you are doing this regime!

(This is the calorie burning section of this essay, so please pay special attention)

After finally arriving home, go immediately to the top of the armoire, (or wherever your favorite hiding spot is) and reach down a Kit Kat from the Kit Kat Party Bag. (Reaching is imperative,as that is the stretching section  of the work out) (I am a big fan of parenthesis)(if you cant already tell) Continue reaching /opening/eating until you are sweating. This is how you know the workout is successful! Yay! You’ve done it!

I believe in you, Aunt Becky. I know you can do it, girl.

Call me if you need encouragement.

Love you lots,


PS: you can further the benefits of this workout by following the Kit Kat section and going into the kitchen and cooking the family a fantastic dinner with the specific nutrients found in butter, cheese, deep fried foods and chocolate!

17 Comments to

“If Only She’d Included Richard Simmons Somewhere.”

  1. On February 28th, 2012 at 10:19 am Jeans Y Says:


  2. On February 28th, 2012 at 10:27 am Jennifer Says:

    I think this is from Paula Deen…

  3. On February 28th, 2012 at 10:51 am LDiggitty Says:

    Ha! This made me hungry…

  4. On February 28th, 2012 at 11:05 am Chibi Jeebs Says:

    Bwa ha haaaaa! Barbara missed bonus burning potential: if you walk yourself to the kitchen to deposit each Kit Kat wrapper in the trash separately, you’re doing even MORE walking. 😉

  5. On February 28th, 2012 at 11:35 am red Says:

    Barbara is clearly a reader of the Sweet Potato Queens, because I believe those are their four food groups.

    …I love everyone’s random “four foodgroups”. We all have our own!

  6. On February 28th, 2012 at 11:56 am Brett Minor Says:

    I think I am already on this routine.

  7. On February 28th, 2012 at 12:18 pm Mrs. One Day Says:

    Alrighty then…

  8. On February 28th, 2012 at 1:55 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Sounds about right to me…

  9. On February 28th, 2012 at 3:20 pm Brittany Stewart Says:

    That’s possibly the best workout ever, and I’m fairly certain I could stick to it.
    Also, would love to include more varieties of chocolate bars in separate hiding places. I think that’ll really add to the complexities of this fantastic routine.

  10. On February 28th, 2012 at 3:30 pm Rachel Says:

    Well, I’ve been looking for a new workout routine for months; I may just have to try this one out!! ps- now I’m craving a Kit Kat bar and I’m stuck at work for another 4 hours!!!

  11. On February 28th, 2012 at 7:57 pm Janey Says:

    The only thing that gets me moving (and happy about it) is going walking with a friend. Especially when you want to bitch whine and complain about your family/job/husband. And it helps if she wants to bitch whine and complain about her family/job/husband! The miles fly by and we finish having burned some calories and go home with a clearer mind and more patience. Perhaps I should TM it and market it. “The BITCH Session Work Out” 😉

    (It is especially enjoyable when we go out for lunch afterwards).

  12. On February 28th, 2012 at 8:55 pm Erin/Weekly Joy Says:

    I have a great work out tip that falls in line with Barbara’s regime-I keep my chocolate stash upstairs and only allow myself one bite and then go back downstairs. That way, my inherent laziness may prevent damage. Or, at least I’ll have to get some exercise in to go after my fix! The one downside to this? At bedtime I have free access to chocolate.

  13. On February 28th, 2012 at 9:10 pm Janelle Says:

    Bacon is a way better post-workout snack. In my opinion.

  14. On February 28th, 2012 at 9:42 pm nellie vaughn Says:

    What if I don’t like Kit Kat bars? Can I use a Snickers instead?

  15. On February 29th, 2012 at 12:36 am Ewokmama Says:

    That is f’ing brilliant. That woman deserves a lifetime supply of Kit Kats.

  16. On February 29th, 2012 at 1:44 pm Liz Says:

    I have gone crazy and volunteered to be one of my daughter’s girl scout troop leaders. I have a room full of boxes of cookies. It is not good. Think of it – cases of each type of cookie…. Samoas, more than you could eat without barfing, Thin mints, all dark and chocolatey and minty. Do-si-dos (peanut butter sandwich/oatmeal, so yeah, so healthy!), Tagalongs (chocolate peanut butter patties), Trefoils (shortbread!), and the newest little devil, Savannah Smiles, which are powdered sugar coated lemon cookies perfect for tea – just the right amount of lemon and powdered sugary goodness for when you would rather have a fruity cookie…

    I must be in Purgatory, because I’m not sure if this is Heaven or Hell.
    I walked on my treadmill yesterday and was all awesome in my yoga pants and multiple jog bras. (Multiple because they don’t come in H cups curses!)

    I can’t wait until it warms up and I can start swimming in my pool again! Y’all are invited, but you have to buy some cookies if you want to swim.

  17. On February 29th, 2012 at 5:57 pm Tricia @SassyPantsMomma Says:

    I wonder if I could hire Barbara as my personal trainer?

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