Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

If I Had A Septic System, I Would SO Call Them


As some of you may recall, last summer I made mention of the words “book proposal” and “agents,” in regards to a Super Drooper Trouper (Grouper?) Tippy Top Secret project I’d been working on. Because somehow, a pair of agents (having agents PLURAL makes me sound impossibly cool, I know) had taken an interest to a collection of essays–much like blog posts but longer and better edited–I’d written and I put together a book proposal.

(I know, you can’t believe that I would be able to have the brain power to put together a proposal. Neither can I.)

Just as they were shlepping it out to publishers, the great crash of aught-eight occurred, and the publishing industry tightened up. Considerably. Which makes sense. If people are laid-off and facing foreclosure, I found it highly unlikely that they would consider shelling out $15 bucks for my pithy book.

But the bright spot in this sea of rejections was this: I had a couple of publishing houses suggest that I write up another different book, similar style, this one dealing with autism. Not one of those cure-all-vitamin-diet-no-vaccine-way; those have been done ad nauseum and I’m no damn authority on that anyway. Nor do I want to be.

No, what I ended up writing was a companion book. Not like a TRAVEL companion book or another-word-for-lover kind of book, no, not that book. A book that entertains you. Makes you feel less alone. Because with all of the therapy and cure-all’s and special schools and special needs that our kids get? We parents are left out in the dark. Hurting and scared, but afraid to talk about it because how dare you complain about your child? How dare you when there are so many that have it so much worse than you?

Having a child with special needs–especially as a young, single mother–was hard. It was isolating. It was lonely.

So this was the book I wrote: not what I thought I’d be writing about, but mine nonetheless. And this week the proposal will go out to publishers.

I’d gauge the likelihood of this book getting eagerly snapped up at about a 0.05 percent. Not because I’m trying to be self-deprecating or depressing and not because it’s not good: it is good, I know it is, but because I’m being realistic. It’s going to be damn near impossible to break into publishing right now.

And that’s okay. I wrote it. I’m proud that I wrote it. If this isn’t what I was supposed to do right now, well, at least I tried. Rejection (in this case) isn’t personal, and it doesn’t bother me. It is what it is.

I’m making this sound so much drearier than I feel about it. I’m thrilled, excited and completely reserved all at the same time.

So, let me end it on this note: this truck, if only for a moment, made me wish I had a septic tank:


69 Comments to

“If I Had A Septic System, I Would SO Call Them”

  1. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:16 am Maria Says:

    I’m pulling for you.

  2. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:35 am Badass Geek Says:

    There is a septic system company around here that has a truck with the words “Honey Wagon” emblazoned on the sides.

  3. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am Kristina Says:

    What a wonderful accomplishment. Congratulations! And hey, .05% is better than 0%.

  4. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:47 am Ms. Moon Says:

    That is WONDERFUL! Yes! Oh I hope it gets bought and published.
    (I sent my first novel out about a month after 9-11. Good timing there, right? And no, it never got bought.)

  5. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:58 am René Says:

    I’m a new reader, and a mom of a kid with autism. I sure hope that book gets published. I could wedge it in between the special diet books and the Floortime books and my sexy, sexy copy of the Physician’s Desk Reference on Nutritional Supplements.

    In our city there’s a septic company with the oddly fittlng name of P.R. Septic. Their truck is dark brown with yellow lettering. I think there’s a happy face on it somewhere too. If only it were a winking happy face, it would be perfect.

  6. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am fidget Says:

    you are awesome

    have faith, not du du

  7. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:17 am Anita Says:

    Have I mentioned to you how much I love you dear Aunt Becky? You are so ful of the awesome it rock my socks.

    I have a septic tank and would love it if our local pooper scoopers were called Du-Du Man.

  8. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:28 am Kerrie Says:

    You should call the Du Du Man, JUST to see how they answer the phone? Do you suppose the receptionist really answers the phone “Thank You For Calling The Du Du Man?”

  9. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:31 am Katie Says:

    Congratulations, bravo and all that good stuff. I hope it gets snapped up immediately, but if not I have faith it will eventually. Sounds like a book a lot of people would appreciate. GL!!

  10. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:45 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Congratulations! When it gets made, I’m totally going to buy it.

    Oh, and we have a septic system….I wish we had a Du Du Man….

  11. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:51 am Employee No. 3699 Says:

    How great is it that you wrote a book? I really hope you get it published.

  12. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:53 am Cassie Says:

    It is great that you are doing this. I have talked about writing a novel for years, have even started several, and end up getting bored with it. Just the fact that you are really doing it is amazing.

  13. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:53 am Mimi Says:

    I can’t wait to read your book. I know you ain’t Jenny McCarthy. πŸ˜‰

    And that picture is totally what I needed for my post “Turd In A Jar.”

  14. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:57 am Amy D Says:

    I am truly blown away that you wrote a book! That is so freaking cool!!! When I told my husband of this news, his response was, “how does she find the time to write a book with 3 kids?” To which I responded, “Because she’s Becky Bitch!!”

    My father-in-law, whom I adore more than just about anyone on this earth has a saying. He’s very religious, but not in a freak, pushy sort of way. Anyway the saying is:
    Even if we fail, we will know that we failed daring greatly!

    Congrats on having the guts to accomplish such a task! So proud!!

  15. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:07 am Rory Says:

    One of the septic truck guys in my area named his red truck “Rosie” and has the quote “We’re number 1 in the number 2 business” on the back. I guess when you work with poop all day, you need to laugh about something.

  16. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:15 pm SciFi Dad Says:

    That is awesome. I would totally buy your book.

  17. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:16 am Coco Says:

    You are my hero. Publishing is always hard, but you know what? You are a talented and enagaging writer.

    I’ve been working hard to finish up my first project and I, too, have reservations about my chances, but then again, I have bought some books lately where I’ve actually been stunned at the poor writing, poor editing, and the general lack of substance in these things – and yet they are out there for sale. Someone thought they were worthy.

    A lot of it is luck and a lot is perseverance, I’m finding. No matter what, I think you’re amazing. Who else could intrigue me by combining a heartfelt post about breaking into publishing, and writing about Autsim with the Du-Du Man? Answer: NO ONE.

  18. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:21 am Sandy Says:

    I want to read it! I will buy it! I will buy copies for all of my friends! Too bad I don’t have more clout in the publishing industry, lol. Du Du man was hilarious by the way. I really needed that this morning.

  19. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:24 am zelzee Says:

    I will so buy your book when it is published!!!

    You are amazing……………how do you find the time to do it all??? Do you ever sleep, my dear Becky?

    Good luck. all of my appendages are crossed for you!!

  20. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:26 am Bluebird Says:

    That’s so exciting! Can’t wait to hear what happens.

    Thanks also for stopping by my little corner of the blogosphere the other day. Great to “see” you and so glad it led me back here!

  21. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am Venti Vixen Says:

    This book is totally gonna rock, I know this and I can’t wait to read it. The Du Du man pic, made my day. Oh yeah, who are those publishers again? I kid, I kid!

  22. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:47 am trish Says:

    SWEET! Congratulations! Can’t wait to hear what happens. In the meantime, I’m typing up an email to you RIGHT NOW.

  23. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:51 am Danielle Says:

    WOOOHOOOO go you! My 5 year old son got a kick out of the truck. He asked what it was and I told him and he laughed and said “du du, man! That’s funny!” then ran If nothing else, your pictures are popular to a 5 year old…

  24. On June 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am Heather P. Says:

    It will come. Praying for you!

  25. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:02 pm bluelove Says:

    How awesome is it that you wrote a book? Let’s say that again, with feeling: YOU WROTE A BOOK! Are you kidding me? Be very, very proud of yourself. Whether you get published or not, you kick ass, in my opinion. I’ve been kicking around my novel for young adults for way to long, and this makes me want to just sit down and do it. You’ve made me think that maybe I can finish. So, thanks Aunt Becky! And congrats!

  26. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm habanerogal Says:

    heck I would read it and I haven’t even got a little kiddo

  27. On June 24th, 2009 at 1:15 pm heather Says:

    My oldest is filled with pure, uninhibited JOY each time we pass a “pooper” truck on the interstate. I think he’d faint from ecstasy if one were to actually pull into our yard. And count me as a reader when that book gets published. ‘Cause it totally will.

  28. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Melissa Says:

    Here’s hoping that the Book Fairy sprinkles publishing dust on you in the near future, because I would so freakin’ buy your book and it’s not just because I adore you. πŸ™‚

  29. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:16 pm abandoning eden Says:

    dude! you wrote a book! that’s farkin awesome! πŸ™‚

    also if you can’t find a real publisher, I think if you self-published it you would totally make bank, just from all your readers here snatching up a copy πŸ™‚

  30. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:17 pm Creepy Mommy Says:

    Girl, I would shell out $15 bucks for your book!

    $16, though? Well, that’s just asking too much.

    I really, really hope it works out, it would be awesome! And, you know, PS. You wrote a frikkin book! You’re amazing! Congrats on that!

  31. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:23 pm Miss Grace Says:

    In my highly expert opinion, you are Teh Awesome, and will thusly be granted book deals.

  32. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:25 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I do, do have high hopes for you! And if it happens, I will totally pimp that book fo yours out to future book buyers!

  33. On June 24th, 2009 at 12:40 pm Kim (Beautiful Wreck) Says:

    Goodluck!!! I hope it works out for you!

  34. On June 24th, 2009 at 1:53 pm Anjali Says:

    I think what you wrote is probably so very NEEDED by many parents. And heck, you’ve got a great shot with your blog “platform.” (Still trying not to hate that word.)

    I’ll keep fingers and toes crossed!

  35. On June 24th, 2009 at 2:03 pm Tina Says:

    I will be keeping fingers and if I can get my toes, crossed for you!!!

    If we had a septic system AND this guy was around us we would HAVE to call him just because!!


  36. On June 24th, 2009 at 1:12 pm Betty M Says:

    Congratulations on having written the book and I hope it gets picked up.

  37. On June 24th, 2009 at 1:37 pm lady lemon Says:

    Dude! That is super-amazing-awesome news! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!

    Does that company make tee-shirts? ‘Cuz you should totally get one for the Daver. Ha.

  38. On June 24th, 2009 at 1:52 pm Eva Says:

    You’re so smooth…”Oh, my book proposals and agents are no big deal, here’s a picture of a truck!” Very exciting!

  39. On June 24th, 2009 at 2:07 pm Mwa Says:

    I think that could be really good. Knowing up close how hard it is with a child with autism, that could be so good for parents. They are all tearing their hair out and feeling alone.

  40. On June 24th, 2009 at 2:18 pm Jen Anderson Says:

    Your book is exciting news! So many people don’t even get to that stage.

    What with Oprah giving Jenny McCarthy a blog on her site, I think the topic is timely, so you have a good chance. Break a…typewriter ribbon?

  41. On June 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    good for you for doing what so many others only dream of doing!!

  42. On June 24th, 2009 at 3:19 pm Kristine Says:

    I would read your book.

  43. On June 24th, 2009 at 3:45 pm Betts Says:

    I’ll be rooting for ya.. just don’t forget your humble beginnings when you’re rich and famous.

    I love our septic truck, too. On the back it says, “We’re #1 in the #2 business.” Those septic guys have a good sense of humor.

  44. On June 24th, 2009 at 3:50 pm a Says:

    I think you’re underestimating the market – the book market may be struggling, but there are certain niches in that market that will always be hot. Autism is a hot niche right now (that sounds kinda dirty…), with what is it? 1 in 150 kids falling somewhere on the spectrum? I think you’ll get published – and when you do, I think a LOT of people will find it helpful to know someone else knows what they’re going through. Good luck.

    Love the du-du man…and who says you gotta have septic to call? Maybe they can come and roto-rooter your drains.

  45. On June 24th, 2009 at 3:54 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Good luck with the book. I’m earmarking $15 for purchase of the same.

    By the way, I love the Du Du man because he’s alway’s on doodie. And when we play cards, he gets a Royal Flush. (somebody stop me!)

  46. On June 24th, 2009 at 4:39 pm Kristin Says:

    Good luck with the book and LOVE the truck…too funny.

  47. On June 24th, 2009 at 4:50 pm Kendra Says:

    That sounds like a truly amazing book, Becky! When I was pregnant with my oldest, I couldn’t get enough of “What to Expect” and the like–much like I’m sure parents just dealing with autism diagnosis are looking for instruction manuals or cures or something. But a few kids and a few years later, what I need isn’t so much instructions as reassurance that I’m not alone. That I’m not the only one who ever loves and wants to throttle her kids, that I’m not the only one who’s scared she’s doing everything wrong, that I’m not the only one to find mothering surprisingly isolating. And I’m sure that parents who are raising kids with autism are looking for the same thing–something that lets them know they’re not the first people ever to deal with this. And you are totally the person to write it!

    I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it gets published, because it’s totally the right thing to do (because it will make them tons of money!). Congratulations on finishing it and I certainly hope to get to read it. And the truck totally made my day!

  48. On June 24th, 2009 at 5:15 pm Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Good luck with the publisher!!

    I’ve had a septic tank for 11 years and so far have never needed it pumped. A well taken care of septic system should not need pumped. I have had plenty of plumbers out though because pipes are a problem

  49. On June 24th, 2009 at 5:18 pm Michelle Says:

    I would totally buy your book and read it. And recommend it to my patients. I hate Jenny McCarthy, and am sure your book is tons better!

  50. On June 24th, 2009 at 6:30 pm eden Says:

    Last week, some really good friends of ours received a diagnosis of autism for their youngest son. They are spinning out badly, and don’t know what to do.

    Becky I would TOTALLY buy your book ….. I really really hope it gets picked up. Well done for writing it!!

  51. On June 24th, 2009 at 7:01 pm ryanandjoesmom Says:

    Super sweet! I hear an auction for your book in the near future! You will be the second person I know this month getting a book deal!! Go Aunt Becky, Go!!!

  52. On June 24th, 2009 at 6:18 pm deb Says:

    I’m proud of you. Writing a book. That’s a great accomplishment Bex. When it DOES get published, let me know. I would love to contribute to your vodka fund. Or whatever your gonna use the wheelbarrows full of chedda for.
    But if it’s vodka, let me know. I’ll be on the way lickety split.

  53. On June 24th, 2009 at 7:36 pm Inna Says:

    That’s so great about the book! I would definitely get a copy and then I could tell all my friends about that awesome blogger who is sooo cool!
    Du du hehhe

  54. On June 24th, 2009 at 8:52 pm magpie Says:

    good luck with the book!

  55. On June 24th, 2009 at 8:00 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I hope it gets picked up. And the book about the poop. I would read anything you write, my dear Aunt Becky.

  56. On June 24th, 2009 at 8:36 pm catherine Says:

    Coming out of lurkdom here – if you don’t get a book deal, consider self-publishing with CreateSpace – a branch of Amazon. You automatically get an ISBN number and a listing on Amazon, and since it’s on-demand printing, it’s not a huge outlay.
    I’ve published 3 books with a publisher and three on my own, 2 self published and 1 with CreateSpace. If I wasn’t tied into a contract, I’d do it all with CreateSpace. Regardless of who publishes, the author still has to do most (if not all) of the promotion themselves.
    PS. I don’t know who your typical reader is, but I’m a 51 year old with 6 grown kids, two bi-polar (try getting THAT diagnosed in a three year old…) and I think you are hilarious and wiser than you admit.

  57. On June 24th, 2009 at 8:57 pm Io Says:

    Gurrrrl. I will snap up your book the way you snapped that picture. And I will love it as much as the Du Du Man.

  58. On June 24th, 2009 at 10:07 pm Lindsey Says:

    Dude, so awesome! My husband is encouraging me to quit my job and write a book. Daunting- I’m impressed that you went for it. Nice.

  59. On June 24th, 2009 at 9:56 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    i hope it gets published!

    the camp I’m working at right now has a kid who is has both autism and cerebral palsy, and it’s been an interesting challenge for us working with him.

  60. On June 25th, 2009 at 4:32 am Heather Says:

    Good luck on the book! Love the septic maintenance company name!!

  61. On June 25th, 2009 at 8:56 am nic @mybottlesup Says:

    i’m all over that shit. ALL. OVER. IT.

    the book and the shit.

  62. On June 25th, 2009 at 10:29 am Chris Mancini Says:

    Good luck! We’re all pulling for you. The Du Du Man. Never say his name three times!

  63. On June 25th, 2009 at 1:04 pm Nancy Says:

    That would be so wonderful for you and your family!!!! I’m glad you are being realistic about what a cold cold world it is out there, but we can get our hopes up for you. I wish only the best for you! xoxo

  64. On June 25th, 2009 at 2:01 pm Fiddle1 Says:

    OutSTANDING woman!!! You are my hero, as always.

  65. On June 25th, 2009 at 1:45 pm mumma boo Says:

    Woot! Congrats, Becks! That is a HUGE accomplishment! I will buy it and you must sign it. And my boobs. πŸ˜‰

  66. On June 26th, 2009 at 8:58 am Lola Says:

    I’ll buy it, of course! My cousin has three autistic kids, so I’ll buy two.

    Hey, if the publishers don’t like it, you could always change it up a bit and make it about autistic teen vampires. They’ll publish anything about the vamps these days!

  67. On June 26th, 2009 at 2:11 pm honeywine Says:

    I’m always late to the ball game these days, but I wanted to congratulate you. It IS a REALLY big accomplishment! Most people can’t sit still long enough to write a letter much less a book!

  68. On July 10th, 2009 at 5:12 am Jenn Says:

    I would (will) read that book. I’d read anything written by you, you know.

  69. On January 1st, 2010 at 6:07 pm Year-In-Review 2009 at Mommy Wants Vodka Says:

    […] sent my second book proposal out with my agents and decided to incorporate and expand my freelancing […]

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...