Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

If I Am Not Missing Or Dead


I’m no huge fan of blogging conferences, if I haven’t made that clear, and it’s in part because they keep me away from my beloved Pranksters. The internet in my hotel, even WITH my internet-in-a-box was a hot pile of bullshit. Every time I went to post this is what happened:

Me: “Man, what WILL the Internet do without me for four days? They might not hear of my stupidest exploits or the hilarious, wacky adventures of my fake cat, Mr. Sprinkles! I should post something.”

The Internet: “We are connected to your wifi card.”

Me: “Oh YIPPEE! I can tell the world that I paid 13 bucks for a pitcher of coffee!”

The Internet: “PSYCH.”

Me: “Well, the Internet TELLS me it’s connected. It must be user error. I am not very smart. Which I need to tell the Internet.”

The Internet: “PSYCH.”

Me: “Well. That’s rather unfriendly of you, my zillion dollar laptop. Certainly, you’d treat me better than that. I must update The Twitter!

The Internet: “Hahahaha! You’re an asshole.”

Me: “That really hurt, The Internet, that really hurt. Now can I please just get online for ten minutes?”

The Internet: “Nope.”

Me: “What will The Facebook do without me?”

The Internet: “Facebook hates you. So do I.”


The Internet: “Guess you should’ve gone with a cheaper laptop.”

Me: “I’m going to replace you with a Dell, asswipe.”

The Internet: “You go ahead and you try. You know you cannot live without my luscious screen.”

Me: “Oooh! These windows open JUST ENOUGH so that I can throw waterballoons out.”

The Internet: “You’re such a mindless blathering moron.”

Me (yells out the window):LOOKOUT BELOW MOTHERFUCKERS.”

The Internet: “This is why I don’t bother to let you online.”

Me: “I win.”

The Internet: “No, you’re just pretending you win to make yourself feel better. You actually lose.”

Me: “Oh.”

The Internet: “Wait, what are you doing? Don’t toss me out of the open hotel window. What are you doing?”

Me: “Winning.”


So, what did you do while I was gone, Pranksters? Did you go to VaginaStock (BlogHer)? Did you have fun?


I have two columns up at The Stir: Why Yes I Let My Boy Dress Up In Girls Clothes and 8 More Things You Don’t Want To Do With Your Kids This Summer.

You should read them, like them, then come back and tell Your Aunt Becky all about your weekend.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
26 Comments to

“If I Am Not Missing Or Dead”

  1. On August 8th, 2011 at 11:11 am starle Says:

    yea! you are alive!!! uh, hang in there? uh, yeah we need you!!!!

  2. On August 8th, 2011 at 11:23 am tracey - justanothermommy Says:

    The Internet is quite the ass, isn’t he?

  3. On August 8th, 2011 at 11:54 am Just Jenn Says:

    You columns were LOL-able. I would rather not spend my liquor money on sports either, but Little Man is SO good at baseball. Plus, the coach brings a 12 pack to practice. Kinda win-win if you ask me!

  4. On August 8th, 2011 at 11:56 am Kori Says:

    I spent the weekend missing you, of course! 🙂

  5. On August 8th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Abby Says:

    My weekend was spent blocking Tweets and Facebook updates about BlogHer, while simultaneously suffering creative constipation myself as a result. Karma–along with the Interwebs and guest services at hotels,–is a bitch.

    However, now you’re back to all is right with the world, no? 😉

  6. On August 8th, 2011 at 12:16 pm Anthony from CharismaticKid Says:

    Who is so obsessed with someone making them a tossed salad that they put it as their twitter handle? Baffling.

  7. On August 8th, 2011 at 12:36 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    I spent the weekend living vicariously through VaginaStock attendees on The Twitter and The Facebook. I was all jealous as hell and cried some. Then I got some wine and flirted shamelessly with someone I used to have a huge crush on. After that I felt bad about my actions some, chastised myself for being a mental whore and went to bed. 🙂 Now I’m at working faking like I’m doing stuff.

  8. On August 8th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Katherine @ Postpartum Progress Says:

    So glad I got to see you! Wish we could have hung out together even more.

  9. On August 8th, 2011 at 1:10 pm Rebecca Says:

    Did you really throw out waterballoons from your window? If so?! How cool and awesome. I want to go to the next blogger just to stay in a room with you.

  10. On August 8th, 2011 at 1:54 pm Heli Says:

    Well I was going through vodka withdrawl without you…or at least mommywantsvodka withdrawl 🙂 Glad you are back!

  11. On August 8th, 2011 at 1:59 pm Elle Says:

    Funny post! This was my first ‘Vagina Stock’ conference, so I’m still new to the politics of it all. Has someone written about this sacrilegious topic yet?

  12. On August 8th, 2011 at 2:21 pm Pete In Az Says:

    I cleaned out my basement… mostly. Good thing I have a pickup. I filled the bed with recyclables.

    There wasn’t anything good on the internets, so I had to do Something.

  13. On August 8th, 2011 at 2:47 pm rachel Says:

    glad somebody else didn’t go to blogher. i was beginning to feel like the only one!

  14. On August 8th, 2011 at 2:53 pm Andrea Says:

    OK, leaving a comment over on the actual summer post looked complicated, AND I didn’t know how to be a member and didn’t want to be associated with the nonmembers who had commented thus far…the ones who hadn’t joined us cool kids peeing our pants over the post….anywho (who says that? the humidity is making me delirious)….I will not take my kids to any local lake beaches to allegedly cool off—they can continue to believe that is why we have central air and an annual visit to Cape Cod (the pee in that water gets all splashied around and doesn’t just sit and fester at a tepid temperature like the lake 2 miles from our house). I am sorry the internet treated you so shitty!

  15. On August 8th, 2011 at 3:02 pm sue j. Says:

    spill your guts about the conference, please. and congrats on The Stir posts. Go, you!

  16. On August 8th, 2011 at 4:51 pm Metta (the letter m) Says:

    I don’t know how you could deal with rooms packed full of other people without getting more than a little stabby.

    Or did you get stabby? You can tell us, we won’t tell anyone.

  17. On August 8th, 2011 at 7:34 pm Hi, I'm Natalie. Says:

    That is the first BlogHer post that I enjoyed. Kudos. (I would totally have bought you a vodka it I’d been there. =)

  18. On August 8th, 2011 at 10:46 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    What I did on my summer vacation….oh, wait. What I did on my weekend.

    The cute neighbor.

    Isn’t that enough?

  19. On August 9th, 2011 at 5:03 am Satan Says:

    damn, i wish i’d been there. so many people i really wanted to see were there!
    my goal is for next year… hopefully!

  20. On August 9th, 2011 at 7:24 am B Says:

    Wow – The Internet is sure full of itself, isn’t it? It’s probably a man.

  21. On August 9th, 2011 at 8:38 am John Says:

    We missed you, Aunt Becky. We really did.

  22. On August 9th, 2011 at 11:24 am Brandy Says:

    OMG. I just found your website, and I can’t stop laughing! Loving it!

  23. On August 9th, 2011 at 4:39 pm Marta Says:

    Sadly I did not go to vagina stock. Though I preferred your tweet calling it Beaverfest. Clearly our affinity for calling vaginas beavers means we’re long lost sisters who have yet to meet.

    There’s always next year.

  24. On August 10th, 2011 at 9:09 pm Maniacal Mom Says:

    I am so glad you came to Vaginastock and I got to meet you! Thanks for making me laugh!

  25. On August 15th, 2011 at 1:30 pm Kizz Says:

    I did go to Beaverfest and I did have a good time. Then I continued seeing the sights of California for another 5 days and now am exhausted and can’t remember much about the whole thing. I know I didn’t meet you, though, Aunt Becky so we can’t call it a complete win. Next year!

  26. On August 24th, 2011 at 1:38 pm Beth Says:

    I feel kinda bad for that first person to walk by after you ran out of water balloons to throw… but at least you solved the laptop issue 😉

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