Mommy Wants Vodka

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I Would Lact8 4 U


Alternately: Things I Wish I’d Known (Nursing Addition!)…

* That my nipples would become the size and consistency of ground beef.

* That I would be able to look someone squarely in the eye while inserting my nipple into someone else’s mouth.

* That my nipples would become as tough as shoe leather and could probably chip ice if necessary (necessary for what? I DON’T KNOW).

* That pumping milk into the Electric Baby would be even more boring than watching paint dry and grass grow.

* That I would exclaim to my father and brother simultaneously after they complained about seeing my boob that “Hey, at least I’m not masturbating.”

* That I would say “masturbating” in front of my father, brother or mother-in-law without having the common decency to turn red.

* That my daily menu would suddenly read like the Very Hungry Caterpillar.

* That the person who once broke her toe making a sandwich (that would be me) would be able to walk around Target while nursing.

* That other people who breast-feed would be so damn sanctimonious about it.

* That I would suddenly need to qualify why I didn’t nurse my first with an “oh, well, he’s autistic” when it’s really not that big of a deal.

* That let-down feels really, really weird.

* That breast-feeding does not make you a better mother.

* That nursing cover-ups are a complete waste of money because they draw more attention to the fact that you’re nursing AND because it makes trying to discretely get the nipple into said mouth almost impossible.

* That you will learn not to make eye contact with people while nursing in public so you feel less squigged out by the fact that your nipple is hanging in the breeze in front of people who haven’t even bought you a drink.

* That while it’s nice to bond with the baby, it also can chain you to the child, even if you supplement.

* That nursing is much like still being pregnant as your body is still not your own.

* That for every person who swears that they lost tons of weight nursing, you’ll find many that couldn’t no matter what they tried no matter what La Leche League says.

* That each breast will be twice the size of your new ickle one’s head when your milk comes in and it will make you wonder how they don’t object in sheer terror to latching right on.

* That the stupid adage “If you feel like you have the flu and you’re nursing, it’s mastitis” is so wrong. It should read “If you feel like you have the flu and you’re nursing, it’s because you have a new baby.”

* That after doing both bottle feeding exclusively and nursing exclusively, bottle feeding is much, much easier.

* That even with exclusive breast-feeding around the clock, you can still get your period 6 weeks post-partum (hello you old bitch!).


What am I missing?

posted under I Would Lact8 4 U
61 Comments to

“I Would Lact8 4 U”

  1. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am SciFi Dad Says:

    You nursed while walking? Seriously?

    Damn, woman, I thought my wife was hard core. Now, YOU’RE hard core.

  2. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:15 pm Badass Geek Says:



  3. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm xvxyt1 Says:

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  4. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:50 am Sarah Says:

    I don’t know about you, but my nipple could shoot a stream about 10 feet if I made the mistake of leaving it out when I had a let-down. Now THAT’S sexy.

  5. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:51 am Nity Says:

    Very informative and very scary for someone who is thinking about BF. Granted… I’d rather know this ahead of time, then after the fact. So thanks for sharing!!

  6. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:52 am Rachel Says:

    You just made me feel better about not breastfeeding my 2 kids. It wasn’t an option anyway, but now I think that if it WAS an option, I’d opt out.
    Besides, I’ve always said that my boobs are ‘for adults only.’

  7. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:52 am rebekah Says:

    I’m a 6-week post-partum period person myself – Twice. And whenever someone who has a, oh, 4th grader starts complaining to me that their period finally came back, I could happily drown them in the buckets of blood I’ve been passing through my vagina since SIX EFFING WEEKS POSTPARTUM.

    My nursing thing, though, is this:

    How could ANYBODY ANYWHERE could think your boob, the same thing HANGING OUT OF YOUR KIDS MOUTH, dripping milk – the thing you now have to clean carefully in the shower because something might have gotten stuck underneath them, because, hey, you’ve got kids with crayons hugging you – that anybody finds THOSE THINGS S-E-X-X-Y.

    It’s like announcing that Gerbils give you a wet-on. The first time Jamie tried to sexily touch my giant newly milk-filled-fun-bag I think fire came out of my eyes.

    Also? Glad you’re back to boob posts because your baby is beautiful and HEALTHY! Hooray!

  8. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:59 am Io Says:

    You are missing the MTF transsexual I knew who began lactating.

  9. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:00 pm Dre Says:

    I nursed for 13 months (not exclusively of course, he did get nutrition elsewhere after awhile) and I was STILL fat as fuck! Lose weight, my ass. People thought I was having another baby. Of course, when you are fat to begin with…. but I digress.

    I would amend the nursing cover statement to exclude “Hoo.ter Hid.ers” because they have a cool rigid top edge that lets you look down and see what the hell you are doing. Nursing covers were a necessary evil for me as my WASP inlaws were HORRIFIED that I would do something so low-class and undignified as breastfeed my baby, and I did not feel comfortable whipping out my tatas in front of them. Strangers, yes, them, no.

  10. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm Kristen Says:

    Yep, Yep, Yep… all yeps. After nursing 5 babies, my experiences have been all over the map, but I have yet to lose weight while nursing, and I still hate nursing while sitting in a group,especially of family members. With big boobs and active babies, discreet is something I have yet to master.

  11. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Kristen Says:

    And good for you for hanging in there. If I had to pump, at all, I would not be nursing.

  12. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:10 pm pixiemama Says:

    That mastitis fecking hurts. It turns your breast into a throbbing red football and you want to punch the fecking doctor who tells you that you need to keep nursing your child to help resolve the infection.

  13. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    That nipples can, and do, in fact CRACK. and yes it is as painful as it sounds. ouch.

  14. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:21 pm Lola Says:

    Oh, the horror!

  15. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm kbrients Says:

    Damn….. serious? Flo showd up?? You don’t even get THAT as a plus?

  16. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:24 pm lady lemon Says:

    I have to love anyone who refers to their period as an “old bitch”.

  17. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:28 pm michelle Says:

    nursed 1st child.

    2nd child, nursed. came home from hospital. that night, put baby to bed. Had this conversation laying in bed around 1:00 a.m. when I woke hubby up.

    me: Are you awake? (Sharp elbow to the ribs)
    him: Why are you not sleeping?
    Me: I don’t want to breast feed. I want a beer.
    him: Now?
    me: no, not now. maybe. I don’t want to breast feed.
    him: She isnt crying.
    me: she will
    him: you want me to get her a bottle tonight?
    me: yes. AND in the morning. and for the next year.
    him: ok.
    me: ok. goodnight.

    Lost all my wheight nursing 1st child in like 4 days. Ate like a hungry walrus at the time. 2nd child, still ate, didn’t nurse. Gained more weight AFTER delivery than during pregnancy. Sheesh, that was cruel.

  18. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Chris Says:

    I have 2 more that I would add –

    *no problem BF’ing in front of strangers, but never in front of my dad (perhaps that is a bigger issue? Hope not)

    *sex and BF’ing do not mix very well – liquids everywhere – too early to talk like that on your blog? Hope not. 🙂

  19. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:40 pm ainebegonia Says:

    You forgot the stupid questions people ask like “how do you know she’s full?” My sister’s ex boyfriend actually asked me that one.

  20. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm heather Says:

    That let-down sensation is something you will never forget. Even 15 years after the fact, if I hear a baby crying I will sometimes get this weird feeling like that’s about to happen.

  21. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:44 pm Miss Grace Says:

    The thing that was easier about breastfeeding (as opposed to bottle [for me]), was that once Gabe got to be two or three months old, I did not have to wake up fully to feed him. I saved a lot of sleep that way.

  22. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm mrslala Says:

    Ummm. Let’s see.

    How about the fact that they drip all over the carpet every time you try to towel off after a shower? I particularly loved that part. 😉

  23. On March 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Stacey Says:

    Due to unrelated medical complications I was unable to exclusively bf my first son & supplemented for 4 months when he decided that bottles are best. I was determined to make it happen for DS2 though, even when completely different unrelated medical complications threatened to derail it.

    I gained 15lbs while BFing him! Yes GAINED 15lbs. I gained 12 lbs while pg with him, lost it all the day he was born, was back in my pre-pregnancy pants by the time he was 2 weeks old. Then I started craving fatty food, craving food like I never did while pregnant. BY the time he was 3 months old I was 3lbs over my top pregnancy weight.

    When people say they plan to lose the baby weight while breastfeeding I just snicker and mumble “it could happen that way…”

  24. On March 18th, 2009 at 2:08 pm Mrs M Says:

    I too gained weight whilst bf’ing both my daughters (one for 15 months, the other 11 months). I don’t miss the let down everytime my daughter – or any baby within 3 miles – cried. I do miss having the ability to shoot a stream of milk at Mr M when he p’d me off – which was often!

  25. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:10 pm tryingin2007 Says:

    * That breast-feeding does not make you a better mother.

    rock and roll! after seriously infected nipples and a terrible supply (3 oz a day!) I had no choice (NONE!) but to FF. I’m tired of the looks I get when I buy the big purple can of white powder at cvs. poop.

  26. On March 18th, 2009 at 2:12 pm heather Says:

    Breast or bottle – I far prefer when they are old enough to sit (jump, dance, wobble) at a table and throw sippy cups and sliced bananas at you while simultaneously screeching at you for being too stupid to realize that today’s choice is apples, you stupid moron. Good times.

  27. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:16 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    You pretty much hit it on the head . . .

    But I would add- . . . .

    It is a complete fallacy that breastfeeding helps you lose weight. After nursing two boys for a year each, I didn’t lose a single, damn ounce!!

  28. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:20 pm tash Says:

    i think due to some evolutionary stuff swimming in us left over from the time we lived in caves, you will NOT lose all the weight. You will keep a bit. Just enough, say, if a blizzard came and snowed you in your cave for five days and you had to at least keep your baby alive. And you could.

    In my experience, you will not be able to lose that last sticky 6-8 lbs until you quit, and then you will. Oh, and then all of your hormones will finally shake back into place and you’ll feel like having sex again. What, that was just me?

  29. On March 18th, 2009 at 2:43 pm Daddy Files Says:

    Hahaha…nice post. You sound like my wife!

    It probably didn’t help that I was so fascinated and obsessed with the let down factor that I would cry like a baby from the next room just to see if her boobs would leak.

    Apparently I’m still 13 years old! 😉

  30. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Kristine Says:

    I”m pretty sure you got it all. Especially the very hungry caterpillar part. Could not get enough to eat – hungry all the damn time.

  31. On March 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm Betts Says:

    That even though you might be able to fit in some of your regular clothes, it’ll be months before you actually wear most of them since you’re dressing for easy breast access. Sort of the opposite of the way you dressed when you started dating someone and weren’t interested in letting them get to first base.

  32. On March 18th, 2009 at 2:32 pm Heather - a different one! Says:

    I breast fed my daughter for 10 months, got preggers when she was 6 months…I continued BF, had a still born 6 months later, my boobs swelled up to dodgeball sized boobs…and two days later were flat fried egg looking pathetic masses of what appeared to me to be melting skin. Between my first pregnancy, breastfeeding, continuing BFing whith my second pregnancy, and the actual second pregnancy its self pregnancy…I hadn’t seen my normal tits in 2 years! And with in two days…poof! I was HORRIFIED! I’m STILL horrified! Fried eggs! WTF!?!

  33. On March 18th, 2009 at 4:04 pm Meghan Says:

    See now I’m really happy I never did it. You just confirmed it all the more for me. As if I needed any more reasons not to have done it (that and the huge monstor incisions accross the boobs didn’t help either). Here’s to the bottles all the way girl;)

  34. On March 18th, 2009 at 4:24 pm Fiddle1 Says:

    Things I wish I knew about nursing:

    When people tell you “if it hurts, you are doing it wrong” are big fat liars.

    Yeast, milk overabundance, foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, and food sensitivity all have the same symptoms (in baby).

    Yeast SUCKS big, green donkey dick, and so do vasospasms. yeast can cause vasospasms.

    Cracks in nipples resemble the Grand Canyon.

    Nothing that the mother eats will affect the baby. BIG, BIG lie. I’m now dairy, tomato, peanut, citrus, bananna and soy-free.

    Boobs can double as milk sprinklers.

    Human milk leaves a nice, white residue when it drops on the wood floor. You can always tell where I have been standing when I dripped.

    Throw out all you read about nursing. There is no right or wrong way..just whatever works between each mother/child pair. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the “right” way.

    that i’d live in extreme paranoia of my milk drying up overnight

  35. On March 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm charmedgirl Says:

    oh my GOD…the ground beef. i pumped for the three…for a year. no formula (ok maybe a can or two during the year). SHIT was it like torture, it was like being a milk factory. if i cut back on the eating, like, AT ALL, my milk would decrease. i didn’t lose a goddamn pound, either, and that’s pumping a half gallon of fucking milk a day. fuck that theory.

    and as far as sleep is concerned, i think you’re right about bottle being easier than breast.

    i’m gonna tell you a secret, though…although my tits did deflate just a bit after i tortured them to near-death, my nips are GREAT! they look better and are more sensitive than ever before. HA!

  36. On March 18th, 2009 at 4:54 pm Pamela J. Says:

    Oh my dear, I so disagree. But I love that you let it all hang out.

  37. On March 18th, 2009 at 5:23 pm Kendra Says:

    Very well said. And:

    * That breast-feeding does not make you a better mother.

    Took me until I had serious nursing challenges with my first baby to realize that. I went on to happily nurse all three of my kids, but that was an important lesson.

    Yes, let-down is a strange sensation, all right. I’ve tried more than once to explain it to my husband, but it’s just too hard to describe. I’ve also found (with all three of them) that they’ve all had a habit, at one point or another, of pulling off and grabbing my boob in their fat little fingers, then twisting it just so, that before I even realize what’s happening, they’ve shot milk across the room. Try to pretend that didn’t just happen!

    I also had no idea that I’d ever be able to spend three years of my life (between the three kids) waking up at some point every single night, to let a little person latch onto my boobs, then spending the rest of the night sleeping while someone sucked on me all night long. My husband glggles and says he wouldn’t mind that at all, but I’m ready to sleep without any slurping at me for once.

  38. On March 18th, 2009 at 5:29 pm swirl girl Says:

    thank you for not not making me feel like shit for the past 9 years by making a very conscious decision NOT to breastfeed. You have clearly stated all the reasons…and I do NOT feel like a bad mother, or that my children lost out on some bonding crap.

    -not that there is anything wrong with it…just wasn’t my thing.

  39. On March 18th, 2009 at 7:38 pm Cara Says:

    Here’s another plus: I haven’t had engorgement in like 10 months and now, strangely, its back. Yeah, cause I missed that.

  40. On March 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm kalakly Says:

    The bitch is back…AF not you, of course. God I was PISSED when she showed up this time. I swear it was longer when I was supplementing than now when it’s all about me. So unfair.
    And cracks, I actually had to show one to my sis, who is child free, so she could (a) see what people meant when they said cracks hurt, and (b)tell me if she thought my nip was going to fall off, the crack was so damn ginormous. She answerd with a resounding all of the above…are true.

    And I’m with Tash, the whole sex thing just doesn’t do it for me when my body has been taken over by tiny people who turn my sex areas into food sources. It’s too icky.

    And to Charmer…holy fuck, seriously, nursing trips for a year, Jeebus. I am in awe and hoot hoot for your nips!

  41. On March 18th, 2009 at 7:08 pm Fancy Says:

    I wish I had known that after 4 weeks when your kid still hadn’t hit his birth weight, you had to start supplementing formula. Other things I wish I had known were that at six weeks, when someone else’s kid started crying in the grocery store, your shirt could still get soaking wet…

  42. On March 18th, 2009 at 9:33 pm #1 Fan Says:

    Sounds like good stuff to me. Can you post some pics of yourself breastfeeding while walking??

  43. On March 18th, 2009 at 8:39 pm Red Says:

    Funny post.

    Breastfeeding does become a lot easier than bottle feeding after a couple of months though. I’d just rather sit down with my baby than do dishes!

  44. On March 18th, 2009 at 8:56 pm kate Says:

    size and texture of ground beef.

    how big is ground beef? texture i get. size? not as much.

    my native american name is “bitch who picks on post-partum woman”

    sorry. you should totally kick my ass for pointing that out.

  45. On March 18th, 2009 at 9:16 pm Emily R Says:

    oh, lord. the places i’ve nursed.

    but you left out how at 3 months old they cannot nurse in public anymore because they need a quiet, dark room so they can focus.

  46. On March 18th, 2009 at 10:22 pm Beth Says:

    My favorite time was attending an aerobics class and could here my daughter screaming in the next room over. Milk began to pour out and cover my top. After class, the teacher commended me for “working out so hard that day”!

  47. On March 18th, 2009 at 10:25 pm Amanda Says:

    The losing weight thing is SUCH bullshit. I have gained 19 lbs while nursing throughout the past year. Total crap. And baby wouldn’t eat much at all for the first few months so I didnt even get to exclusively breastfeed. Oh….and the booby being bigger than my baby’s head??? They’re just now about the same size as her head!!!

  48. On March 18th, 2009 at 11:18 pm stacie Says:

    Never did very well with the old bfing. My body said screw that and I never got more than two to three ounces at a pump. By 4 weeks, I was getting 2-3 ounces a day. Gave up 28 days after delivering and got my period the same f’ing day. Wonderful. See 6 weeks is really good in my book! 🙂

  49. On March 19th, 2009 at 6:21 am giggleblue Says:

    as someone who just got their new breast attachment on monday, i’m appreciating your feedback on the experience. and god, i’m so not looking forward to my period returning. six weeks, you say? my time is limited!

    aside, i have noticed that i always seem to fall asleep while nursing. clearly, this is not favorable for nursing in public… hmmm.

  50. On March 19th, 2009 at 7:05 am beanski Says:

    I’m just going to throw in the sexiness that is nursing bras and old lady shirts that adequately cover the nursing bras. It’s like the icing on the cake for me. I feel like shit, am tired as hell and I get to wear old lady clothes to boot because I have to yank my shirt up every fifteen seconds.

  51. On March 19th, 2009 at 10:11 am Ms. Moon Says:

    I’m sorry. I loved nursing and can’t imagine not having done it. I just want to add a little balance here. I nursed four kids FOREVER and my bosoms do not look that bad. Seriously.

  52. On March 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am honeywine Says:

    Why I say “at least I’m not masturbating” to people several times a week. In fact, I think we should make that the new catch phrase. Foshizzle? lol

  53. On March 19th, 2009 at 2:28 pm Daniel Says:

    wow i did not know about let-down till now

  54. On March 19th, 2009 at 4:37 pm deb Says:

    That if your newborn develops jaundice and the doctor tells you it may be your breast feeding that caused it, you should not throw a bedpan at said doctor. They don’t like it and if it was full, it makes a mess.

    No bedpan was thrown, but the rest WAS told to me by a doctor that was soon after fired. It was as if he had never heard of PPD. Asshat.

  55. On March 20th, 2009 at 11:01 am fidget Says:

    i always get the bitch back right away wtf is up with that>??

  56. On March 20th, 2009 at 3:20 pm Twwly Says:

    Oh, nursing.

    I am continually amazed at how long my nipples stretch. Are they made of pizza cheese or something?!

    I was amazed at just how much I hated nursing while pregnant. It made me want to rip off all of my skin and leave my toddler in the wilderness for the coyotes. It was a truly biological, hormonal response that came from the depth of my being and took every ounce of my soul to control.

    I am also perpetually amazed at how truly RELIEVED I am when my babes finally nurse to sleep and I am able to pass out or get up. That last feed of the night is SO SO incredible. Like… Ive done it! We’ve made it through another day! Hallelujah!

  57. On March 20th, 2009 at 3:22 pm Twwly Says:

    Oh and my let down feels like someone is sticking a handful of sewing pins into the ends of my nipples. Every time.


  58. On March 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 am Sarah Says:

    Well, I guess it was hinted at, but the way milk shoots across the room – or right in his face – when you’re having great sex – for those of us that nurse and have great sex – was a surprise for both of us…more so for him.

    But totally the *doesn’t make you a better mother – blew that with the first one! Haha. And definitely *”cover-ups” are utterly pointless. And they suck. And make walking while nursing an Olympic event, if you do all three… I just tossed the damn cover-up.

    I’m all for incorporating “Well, at least I’m not masturbating” into day to day conversation, as well! Bwhaha! Best comeback yet to random stupid breastfeeding commentary from the peanut galleries.

  59. On March 22nd, 2009 at 10:05 am mumma boo Says:

    Ouch. My nipples are recoiling in horror and are grateful that they were incapable of breastfeeding either of my two kids. (and yes, my nipples do have minds of their own.)

  60. On March 23rd, 2009 at 9:13 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    I think you hit about everything. Except maybe how your entire shirt can be wet in a matter of seconds if you don’t use breast pads. Someone else probably said that, but I don’t have enough time to read through the other comments!

  61. On March 31st, 2009 at 12:03 am Interested Says:

    So how about some pics?

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