Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Choose Your Own Adventure.


The last roadtrip I took was a “BBQ Tour of Memphis.” It may have had a snappier name, like, “Beef and Pork and Ribs, OH MY,” or “Let’s Call Into Work Fat” or something.

Either way, I earned my first nickname, “Leadfoot,” when I learned a little something about Southern Illinois: law enforcement has very little to do beyond design and execute elaborate speed-traps for people who like to drive over one hundred miles per hour on the highway. I also learned another fun fact: BBQ Spaghetti is, in fact, the least appealing food on the planet.

The More You Know, and all.

Consider that my blogging PSA for the year.


I didn’t design or execute that particular roadtrip but I did tag along. I jump at any excuse View Postto go to Memphis. That roadtrip, as I think of it, was the last time I remember feeling free. Life got pretty tough after that, and it’s been pretty tough (although not without it’s shiny points) ever since.

You can tell that I didn’t design that roadtrip, though, because it makes sense. Things I tend to design, well, they don’t. This is why I need a partner on my adventure.

Roadtrips I design have been as follows:

“Let’s go Down South to buy sunglasses.”

(“down south” is anywhere south of Chicago off I-47)

“Let’s take a bunch of left turns. Wherever we end up, that’s where Elvis will be. Or a natty pair of shades! Or that weird drink with the blobs floating in it.”

(Do you remember that drink? That shit was nasty)

“How about we go down to U of I Champaign/Urbana for some Chinese Food? By the time we get there, it should be morning and that Chinese place will be open!”

*shrugs* “We’ll know it when we get there. Let’s just GO.”


I tend to lack common sense which is why I surround myself with people who DO have common sense so that I don’t decide to invest my life’s savings (read: five dollars) in Fry Daddies and Twinkies because *shrugs* “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

So that’s kind of why I figured that if I was going to, in fact, get in the car and drive around, I should probably meet up with you Pranksters. I mean, I’m sure there’s a significant number of you who will lead me into situations where I will be forced to yell, “SOMEBODY GET THIS FREAKING DUCK OUTTA HERE,” alternately, “WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THE DUCT TAPE AND WHY AM I NOT BEING SPOON-FED ORANGE SHERBET?” but most of you are probably smarter than me by a shocking margin.

I’m pretty upset that I still haven’t found a duck OR the proper WordPress Plugin to allow me to see where you guys are physically located (besides inside my computer). I assume, though, that if you’re anything like The Twitter, you’re mostly located in:

1) Texas

B) Kansas City

37) LA

Ba) My mind.

So, that should narrow it down until I get the plugin hacked and working properly. It also allows me to procure a laptop, make “arrangements,” download every song about ducks and roadtrips I can find as well as find a proper traveling companion. I assume, though, that by now I’ve scared off everyone who might have considered traveling with me.



I wonder if I can program a duck to talk to me.

Also: what Mission should this roadtrip have? Like, do I collect snowglobes or guns or different cheesy shirts from each truck stop I visit or something? Or pictures of amazing, luscious mullets? The Roadtrip needs a name and a purpose.

Also; also: even if you’re not actually coming with, you’re virtually coming with because the computer is a magical box powered by gnomes and a trainwreck is always awesome to watch as it unfolds.

110 Comments to

“Choose Your Own Adventure.”

  1. On March 1st, 2011 at 2:57 pm little big Says:

    LA?! That is way to south of me! Try San Franscico, so you can drive through the Valley and see me.

  2. On March 1st, 2011 at 2:59 pm a Says:

    Well, I’m about halfway between you and Kansas City…

    Also, you should collect road signs. That way you can probably get a tour of county jails while you’re out and about. 🙂

  3. On March 1st, 2011 at 7:21 pm Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    I COMPLETELY agree with this!

  4. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:01 pm QCMAMA Says:

    I love roadtrips. I have not been on one in about 5 years. I up and drove to South Carolina alone with 2 kids. Not the most brilliant idea but whatever it was fun. Usually my roadtrips are me and my friends decide one day while we are sitting around bored that HEY! we need to go to CHICAGO BABY! I haven’t done that for at least 3 years though. I really need to plan another one of those. Anyway I am not in southern illinois but more the middle over by Iowa. I would love to see you on the roadtrip. 🙂 Not sure of a theme yet though I will keep thinking.

  5. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:03 pm Julie Says:

    Totally – Mullets…and boob jobs…..What a photo album that would be.

  6. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:08 pm Jessica Says:

    Visit as many tourist spots as you can and buy cheesy T shirts at each place then make something fancy out of pieces of them. Maybe put them in your awesome Martha Stewart scrapbook.
    I live in Nevada by the way, I only vacation in your head.

  7. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:11 pm Miss Grace Says:

    I live in California, in case you’ve forgotten. Very roadtrippable. FYI.

  8. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:11 pm Gracie Says:

    Take pictures with local cops at each location.

  9. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:22 pm Kathy Miranda Says:

    I LIKE THIS ONE! I should have started the collection years ago. They somehow don’t understand that I’m only testing the acceleration properties of my vehicle. Really.

  10. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:12 pm Barenakedmummy Says:

    You will have to take a hell of a road trip to mine, yes that’s it over the ocean past the land of the leprachauns and I’ll be singing (but not in the Valleys!)

    I love to go on the unbeaten track when on holiday > or as my OH calls it > those damned white roads with grass in the middle.

    Maps, through them out of the window, you go the way you feel, eat cheesy food, visit cheesy museums and enjoy.


  11. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:12 pm Beth Says:

    Diners, Drive-Ins and Divas. But I may be biased by the fact that all road trips ultimately revolve around eating shit to me…

  12. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:13 pm PBBDesigns Says:

    I’m in the NY CT area. Come see me!

  13. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:13 pm PBBDesigns Says:

    I’m in the NY CT area. Come see me!

  14. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:16 pm Tara Says:

    I totally think you should pull a Chevy Chase and be sure to hit up as many “World’s Largest Bale of Hay” sites as possible, take your picture next to them because, obviously and then those pictures could turn into your next Hallmark-esque line of greeting cards.

  15. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:21 pm Jennifer Says:

    I agree with this- as many cheesy tourist spots as you can find!

  16. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:21 pm Jennifer Says:

    I agree with this- as many cheesy tourist spots as you can find!

  17. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:16 pm Beth Says:

    I totally remember those drinks. They were nasty.

    South Florida!!! We have sunglasses here. Lots of them.

  18. On March 1st, 2011 at 8:02 pm JenniferB Says:

    YES to S. Florida… That makes 2 pranksters you can hit up. I say it’s a done deal!!

  19. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:17 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Texas! Though if you want to be specific seeing as how giant our state is, Dallas where I be. And where you should be.

    Stop at every visitor center and get brochures on the city. There’s always a ton in those visitor centers.

  20. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:18 pm c8h10n4o2 Says:

    KC here!

    And turning public art into photographic double entendres should fill your time here quite nicely. The satanic Easter bunnies should be out on the Plaza soon as a bonus.

  21. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:04 pm Suzie Says:

    KC Here too.

  22. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:50 pm laurie Says:

    go about 200 miles west and south a little of kc then head to the most barren spot on the map devoid of humans and civilization and you will find me. the middle of prarie hell longing for oceans and green.

  23. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:20 pm Tershbango Says:

    FUCK. This post makes me want to cry.

    This time last year I was eating my way cross-country with my brother, on an epic road trip from Minneapolis to Kansas City to St Louis to Memphis to New Orleans to Pensacola to Atlanta to Asheville to Nashville to Louisville to Chicago back home to Minneapolis.

    The missions of that trip, I believe, were:

    – Eat an entire pig in various forms of preparation

    – Drink our body weight in hard liquor

    – Touch strippers in every city (including a tranny stripper in Atlanta, which gave us extra points!)

    I am *so* jonesing for another road trip.

  24. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:26 pm Em Says:

    Tershbango, I’d like to virtually introduce myself. I’m Em. I’m lovin’ where your head is at here. Sounds like you’d make a perfect partner for our Aunt Becks to travel with! And I’d like to come along too! I’m in Indy though, which is not really full of excitement. We might have tranny strippers though. Not sure.

  25. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:20 pm Heather @ nobody-but-yourself Says:

    You should totally head east to western NY. My neck of the woods is REALLY big on the festivals. We have loads of festivals, all spring and summer long (which, obvs, isn’t that long because it is upstate NY where winter happens for about 8-9 months a year). We cherish our good weather months by celebrating the hell out of them. You name it, and there’s a festival. Lilacs! Jazz! Sauerkraut! Heck, we have a GINORMOUS BUTTER SCULPTURE each summer at our state fair, and festival food? Deep-fried EVERYTHING. Like, oreos and twinkies and bacon and pizza and PB&Js. (We’re also known for two “specialty” dishes: the Garbage Plate (you can wikipedia that) and Artichokes French. Both to die for.)

    Also? To get here from there, you can drive up through Canada if you don’t want to stay in the US, so…. INTERNATIONAL ROAD TRIP BABY! (And Niagara Falls is between you and me, so there’s a good destination!)

    Lastly, I second the vote for finding the most fantastically cheesy souvenir t-shirts you can in each locale.

  26. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:54 pm Anne Says:

    yes! I second the WNY idea!

  27. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:28 pm Erin Says:


  28. On March 3rd, 2011 at 12:04 am karen Says:

    And, uh, if yer gonna be in Canada, you can swing by my place on the wet coast … just use a magic carpet to git you past the Rockies!

  29. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:21 pm Janette Says:

    That sounds like an awesome road trip! LA is pretty cool. I think collecting road signs would be a great idea. Also San Francisco is pretty amazing too!

  30. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:24 pm Kathy Miranda Says:

    After the horrendous winter you’ve endured point your road warrior southwest baby – ARIZONA! But do it before April, unless you LIKE your boobs sweating.

  31. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:25 pm Teala Says:

    Dallas. You should come to Dallas. Austin is super fun too. I’m headed down there March 11 for a couple of days.

  32. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:26 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I’m in central Virginia, close but not near to lots of things & I’d be happy to tag along if you are headed up north or down south of where I am.

    The only road trip I was eve on ended with a dead transmission at this scary ass gas station in the wrong part of tiny town SC. The employee called the cops to come get us when it was apparent no one could come for us. We spent the night in the city lock up, unlocked. Good times!

  33. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:27 pm Lindsey Says:

    You should definitely do the pictures next to the world’s largest piece of gum or some such nonsense. I’ve always wanted to do that. Out here on the east coast, we have some pretty cool ones. I live in Virginia, close to a Mad Monster Museum (or some such name). Also, down on the North and South Carolina border there’s a place called “South of the Border.” It is a must-see for kitchiness. Google it.

  34. On March 1st, 2011 at 7:26 pm Monique Davis Says:

    I second south of the border! I’m in between there and Myrtle Beach, so lots of cheeziness no matter which way you go 🙂

  35. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:31 pm Amanda Says:

    The mission should be taking pictures of us in our “shut your whore mouth pictures” in as many cities as possible…with you in the pictures….I WIN! good idea…

  36. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:18 pm HeidiW Says:

    You should win Amanda, I looooove this idea!

  37. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:31 pm andygirl Says:

    dude, get your behind to Portlandia! it’s not blingy but we know how to have a good time.

  38. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:37 pm Amy Says:

    Come to milwaukee… we have cheese and brewery tours ^^;;;

  39. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:38 pm Amy Says:

    also, it’s freakishly cold, so you won’t get lonely for home!

  40. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:43 pm Sara Says:

    Come to Kentucky! I’m sure we can find something interesting for you to write about.

  41. On March 2nd, 2011 at 1:47 pm Amy Says:

    Where are you in KY? I am in Ashland.

  42. On March 2nd, 2011 at 2:31 pm Sara Says:

    OMG! Me too!

  43. On March 3rd, 2011 at 8:04 am Amy Says:

    That’s insane!

  44. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:45 pm Amanda Stamm Says:

    You should come to Columbus, OHIO! WOOT! And if you do the T-shirts, send them to me and I will make them into a quilt for you. That way you can wrap yourself in the awesomeness of your road trip and wear them all at the same time. Double. win. at. life!

  45. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:47 pm TexaGermaNadian Says:

    Still cringing at the awful thought of Orbitz. Those things were nas-tay. You should come to Texas. We won’t judge ya 🙂 Glad the BBQ trip was fun!

  46. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:52 pm heydave Says:

    Ames, Iowa. You can visit if you promise not to break shit.

    Well, not my shit at least.

  47. On March 1st, 2011 at 3:54 pm Jessica Says:

    I’m in NYC where we could subway roadtrip around the city and see which train station has the most rats. It’d save lots on gas money! We could call it the “Save the Planet, First One to Get the Plague Loses” trip.

    Or! You could steal my idea and drive through all the tiny New England states, buying tiny spoons and using them to eat foods as you go. Tiny maple ice cream in Vermont, tiny clam chowder in Massachusetts and so on and so forth. Then make a wind chime of the tiny spoons when you get home. Call it the “Serenade of the Tiny State Spoons.”

  48. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:03 pm Meg Says:

    BOBBLEHEADS!!!! ‘Nuff said.

    On a side note, You should visit the Salton Sea in southern California. That way when you start to have a bad day back at home you can remind yourself you don’t have to live here lmao.

  49. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:11 pm beta dad Says:

    How about New Orleans for the Mom 2.0 conference? There will be a bunch of dadbloggers there, and every night will be like a frat party. Who could resist that?

  50. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:12 pm Danyelle Says:

    I just did a full body shudder gag remembering orbitz.

    I’ve never been on a roadtrip so I don’t really know what your aim or goal should be for it. Whenever I get in the car, I just try to get wherever I am going as fast as possible.

    I mentioned getting your picture taken next to my hometown’s Welcome to Weiner sign. Then I remembered that ten miles in the other direction, you could get your picture taken next to the Goobertown city limits sign. Those two pictures alone could take care of your Christmas card pictures to send out for the next two years.

  51. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:16 pm Halala Mama Says:

    Oooo go to California…I spent three weeks there in 2001…for a class no less… but I remember it as one of the most soul refreshing times of my life. 3 weeks in LA by the coast… perfectly sunny, perfectly 70 degrees every single day…we found some dump bar between Loyola and Hollywood that did turtle races. We named them after political philosophers and drank our weight in beer.

  52. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:22 pm sue j. Says:

    Start here in Naperville. I’ll line up the shots.

  53. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:27 pm Veronica Says:

    I have ducks and while they don’t talk to me, they do get very excited and hiss and peep at me a lot (they’re not ducks that quack).

  54. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:30 pm Brandi Says:

    In addition to the fun/insanity/ducks part, you could add an element of do-gooder-ness to the road trip. Your pranksters are generous people. Perhaps you could arrange for a toy drive amongst your readers at each of your stops, and then take them to a children’s hospital local to that area. You could tie in awareness for neural tube defects and promote Band Back Together all in one fell swoop.

  55. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:35 pm Ms Dreamer Says:

    Hells, I’m down by Springfield – I’m only like five hours from you, and in the same state, even! Yeah, we got not much of nothin.

    You know I adore you, Bex, but the simple fact that you channeled Strong Bad makes you up there with my husband as the coolest motherfucker on the planet.

  56. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:40 pm Erin Says:

    Come to Athens, GA!! One warning though, you won’t ever want to leave. I came here for college in ’96 and have been ever since. My dad is always trying to get me to move to a more “grown up” town, but what he considers “irresponsible” is what I consider a WHOLE LOT of fun!! There are serious people here too, but you almost never see them. Come to my bar! Your mission can be to taste all the tequilas in all the bars you come across. Make sure to bring your camera… there’s no way you’re going to remember that shit. 🙂

  57. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:43 pm aurie Says:

    i think taking pictures of butt clevage in various truck stops. then voting for the hariest, flabbiest and most disgusting and posting your results would be apropriately dehumanizing for any road trip. by the way all the duck would want to do is get out and head back home.

  58. On March 1st, 2011 at 4:48 pm Bell Says:

    I think you should collect “ugly things.” The most horrendous, inexcusable touristy schtick to flash in your face…that is what you want to have.

  59. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:29 pm Jennifer Says:

    Dude, totally come to SC/NC border to see south of the border. They have billboards advertising it over 100 miles away! And if you continue along the border you can hit up carowinds. It’s amusement park. And you gotta hit myrtle beach for the old men in shorts, knee high socks and birkenstocks!
    If not, hit up as many cheesy tourist spots as you can- giant ball of string, largest fry pan, and paul bunyan. Take a picture with your “whore” shirt and buy shirts from all these places!

  60. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:31 pm dustbag Says:

    Your mission shall be to stop in every Wal Mart along your route, and snap a picture of you hugging the greeter while wearing your EPIC FUCKING UNICORN TSHIRT.

  61. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:31 pm Denise Says:

    Collecting the cheesy tshirts or pics with local police are good calls. You simply must come to our Nation’s Capital. We have museums and stuff.

  62. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:34 pm sue j. Says:


  63. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:38 pm mumma boo Says:

    Boston, baby, Boston! Tour New England and get maple syrup for your bacon. (Wow, that sounds dirty…)

  64. On March 2nd, 2011 at 6:42 am Meg Says:

    Yay Boston..that’s where I am at! Come collect some tiny spoons at all the historical spots around here (really liked that idea that jessica had) and visit Cheers so, you know, that song stays with you forever!!!

  65. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:44 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    Because I am deprived of Dunkin Donuts and Tastykakes here in Texas, that is the sort of roadtrip I would be going on. But I’d kind of be restricted to the Philly/NJ area because of the TK, so that would be less awesome. But actually a circular trip that featured pastry is REALLY awesome, so there you go.

    But for you, I vote finding all of the big jeezly crosses – there are a lot of horrid religious symbols dotting our nation’s highways, and if you run out of crosses then you could pose by stupid church signs that feature lame puns and scary messages about how you are going to hell.

    And then you could stop at a Dunkin Donuts to make yourself feel better about your ultimate destination.

  66. On March 1st, 2011 at 5:58 pm Cindy Says:

    You were planning to road trip to me in Vegas anyway, so let’s go! We can heckle strippers and get really bad tattoos (possibly in the same place!).
    I’m in! Just say when!

  67. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:02 pm Sarah P Says:

    Let’s grab a bottle of booze and let’s go.

  68. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:39 pm Christa Says:

    We be in the Maryland, near the Washington DC.

    I vote you collect flattened pennies. You know, the ones you crank out at tourist shops and truck stops/rest stations. I kid you not I got one in Ohio that features an 18 wheeler and the inscription “Ohio Truckers.” Top that!

  69. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:47 pm Christa Says:

    Loves this! Epic unicorn win!

  70. On March 1st, 2011 at 6:50 pm Kelly Says:

    OMG I totally remember the nasty crap that was Orbitz…. But I still begged until I got it every time I saw it at the store… Because it was JUST SO AWESOME!

  71. On March 1st, 2011 at 7:11 pm Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    Oh You don’t want me as your partner in crime. I am not very good at ideas much like yours they never turn out well. In my head they seem FANTASTIC in theory they are BAD. Like my idea would be go to every state and break one of their dumb laws. Like in Idaho I believe it is illegal to wear a duck as a hat well I would be wearing a mother fucking duck as a hat because I want to 1. and B they said I can’t. And In Ohio it is illegal to get a fish drunk or fish for whales on Sunday well I plan on doing both. Also you can not be arrested on Sunday OR the Fourth of July so I plan on doing my illegal getting the fish drunk and well obviously I will be fishing for the whales on Sunday so arrest me now coppers. See this is my mind. And Ohio has really dumb laws and I need to break them all apparently on Sunday. But my states tour would be to break stupid laws in all of them cause that is my insane brain.

  72. On March 1st, 2011 at 7:53 pm Monica Says:

    Two suggestions for your road trip: 1. Pick a theme. I went on a trip with two friends and we dubbed it “The Great Mini Golf Tour”. We hit every mini golf place we could find between our hometown and our destination often taking ridiculous detours to do so. We wore bad Hawaiian shirts when we played and referred to each other only by our golf names (I was Chi Chi Rodriguez – using the Les Nessman pronunciation). We even found a little golf trophy at a thrift store and used it as the prize at the end. 2. Download “Forty Miles to Vegas” by Southern Culture on the Skids. Great highway driving song, especially if you have a lead foot.

  73. On March 1st, 2011 at 11:30 pm badbadwebbis Says:

    I thought I was the only one who remembered the REAL pronunciation of Misssster Rodrigweez’s name.

    So happy to know I’m not alone.

  74. On March 1st, 2011 at 8:00 pm Pam Says:

    We’re still waiting on you here in Charleston, SC- in our 70 degree weather. Bring your flip-flops, we’re only 5 minutes from the beach and I’ll make you my bourbon shrimp and Charleston grits!

  75. On March 1st, 2011 at 8:20 pm Justme Says:

    Nah. Come to Canada – Toronto is like New York’s awesomer sister. I’d invite you to Winnipeg, too, but there isn’t much here besides snow and -40 (Celsius!) temperatures.

  76. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:31 pm Erin Says:

    I second, third and kaillionth Canada. I’d even roadtrip through northern ontario (where there is a giant statue of a fish called ‘husky the musky’ – note how we like giant things? Complex much?) and deliver AB from Toronto to Winnipeg for you.


  77. On March 1st, 2011 at 8:40 pm MannyRee Says:

    Come to OK, and I will even go with you from there to Dallas. I promise, I am so much fun.

    Your theme should be…The Pants are Bullshit Tour. I’m not sure what you collect in that situation, but I AM sure it would be interesting.

    I have road trip envy, now.

  78. On March 1st, 2011 at 9:08 pm Beth Says:

    Sorry…. I really can’t invite you here to Utah. It’s where the Utards live. Nothin’ really fun to do here… Wait…. this state has the most porn watchers and most use of antidepressants! Or we could go look at the polygamists. Interested? Call me.

  79. On March 1st, 2011 at 9:56 pm Le'Ann Says:

    Texas (just north of Houston), where we know how to make truly great barbecue. Come on down!

  80. On March 1st, 2011 at 10:39 pm Mike Says:

    Doesn’t look like you get a lot of guy comments, but something struck me. Collecting and south of Chicago — thing that popped into my head was stopping at many restaurants to see if you can find varieties of biscuits n gravy!

  81. On March 2nd, 2011 at 1:32 am Amanda Says:

    OMG! I remember that orbitz crap! I was just thinking about it yesterday (no lie) and wondering why in the hell my brother and I drank it as kids. That can’t be real floating fruit, right? Right?!!

  82. On March 2nd, 2011 at 1:36 am Ami Says:

    Phoenix, AZ. Hotter than hell in summer but gorgeous weather the other 9 months of the year! Come on down and we can hang out and traumatize innocent bystanders!

  83. On March 2nd, 2011 at 1:59 am Manda Says:

    CLEVELAND!!! You should totally stop here and stay with me (I have an awesome air mattress) because it’s not far, and it’s a similar climate to yours, so you can get acclimated on your way to more glamorous destinations. I can’t promise much more than cheap beers with a group of people called Team Fat Kid…and perhaps, if I happen to have a burlesque show when you come, nipple pasties and feather boas. Which, HELLO, what isn’t awesome about that?

  84. On March 2nd, 2011 at 2:00 am KT Says:

    Nah, come to Detroit! It’s not that far. Or rather we could save the meet and greet for when I have to go do that tea party with my daughters and their dolls at the AG store this spring..kill me now, tea and a spa day for a freaking doll. But I digress. Collect something you can use…tshirts. I’ll get you an “imported from Detroit” shirt from the Chrysler/eminem commercial!

  85. On March 2nd, 2011 at 2:37 am Maria Says:

    I Challenge You, to drive over to Sweden and visit me on your roadtrip.

  86. On March 2nd, 2011 at 2:51 am Sara @ Life with the Two Says:

    I LOVED that stupid blobby drink.

    In fact, I got my very first “nickname” because of it. In Latin class, they decided those damn blobs weren’t supposed to just be suspended and it must have been some “devil juice”, so I was called “Niveous Diabolus” (White Devil) for the rest of high school.

    Though, I’m sure it would taste gross now. Kind of like I like remembering Clear Pepsi tasting good, but can’t imagine drinking it now!

    And I still think you should come to Germany. The Land of Encased Meats.

  87. On March 2nd, 2011 at 6:39 am Lynette Says:

    ORBITZ OMG. Yes, foul foul foul, and horrifying. For years, we kept a bottle on top of our fridge to scare people with.

  88. On March 2nd, 2011 at 8:41 am Jamie Lee Says:

    you could make another trip through southern illinois, and i will show you that there is more than speed traps. not much more, but there is more!

  89. On March 2nd, 2011 at 9:14 am Cindy Bennett Says:

    You sould Def come to North Carolina, I will take you to the mountains and the Beach and the wonderous South of The Border, THE cheesiest place in the WORLD. Also, I can take you to the Sweet Potato Festival, one county over, the Watermelon Festival and the Sardine Festival. You can run for Sardine Queen (really!) Oh so much to do, all the wonderful cheezy festivals! You would have many photo ops and Oh so much fun! Count on me!

  90. On March 2nd, 2011 at 10:02 am Matt Says:

    I live in VA inside your computer.

    I vote for a road trip to collect as many of the cheesy souvenir magnets as possible and cover the car with them while on the trip.

  91. On March 2nd, 2011 at 10:11 am Stacy Says:

    I am in Sioux Falls SD…which is a short drive from the nations only CORN PALACE! Yes, a palace made of corn…definitely a must see. I vote you come to Sioux Falls then I’ll road trip with you to see the palace o corn. There is also a giant rock with faces on it on the west side of the state, but who wants to see old mens faces on a rock? Corn palaces (palaci?) are the way to go.

  92. On March 2nd, 2011 at 10:36 am Becky Says:

    I would just like to point out that you also have Pranksters in Northern Minnesota. Which is beautiful in the summer, but still frozen at the moment. When are you planning your roadtrip? There are all KINDS of cheesey touristy things to do/buy in Duluth. Come on up!

  93. On March 2nd, 2011 at 11:16 am Stacey Says:

    I live in Central Florida. We can go to Disney and mock the tourists.

  94. On March 2nd, 2011 at 11:24 am J. Says:

    How ’bout heading up to the Land of Enchantment? Pretty vistas, great food and aliens! What’s not to love?

  95. On March 2nd, 2011 at 11:27 am Mommy Boots Says:

    Come to Chattanooga, Tennessee. We can visit Rock City, where they have this weird underground cave with creepy ass glow in the dark gnomes lurking in random crevices, and also depictions of fairy tale stories. It smells like BO & mystery.

  96. On March 2nd, 2011 at 11:54 am Dawn Says:

    Yeah, so Newfoundland is too far off the beaten track. It’s not the end of the world, but you can see it from here.

    Despite my being unable to particiapte or qualify as a destination, I think this should be called the Two THOUSAND and Eleven Glory Halleluiah Amazing Luscious Mullet-bustin’ Tour.

    What is mullet busting? I have no idea, but it sounds awesome, doncha think?

    Save me a T-shirt?

  97. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:06 pm katrina Says:

    Ha ha ha….”…..glory hallelujah amazing luscious mullet-bustin tour…” best name ever. and obviously you could collect pictures and INTERVIEWS of mulleteers it would be hilarious….tho the interviews could be a little scary,

  98. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:12 pm The Resident Bitch Says:

    Hahahah DUDE, that just means you gotta come to California. Trust me, it would be awesome. You could pick a location and people could head out to meet you. I’d reccommend the beach over LA unless you really want to see it. They are close to each other but LA is busy and dirty. That’s just me though. I live pretty close to LA.

    Also? You should totally collect pictures of your pranksters wearing SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH shirts! Doing random things!

  99. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:27 pm Erin Says:


    Canada is where it’s at.


    Also. A very very VERY large rocking chair.

    ..Both about as exciting as they sound. Take that as you may.

    But we do have street meat. And there is a chocolate factory..and also a cheese factory right near my grandma’s house. AND POUTINE. We have POUTINE. You know you want to eat poutine with my grandmother. She’d probably teach you how to knit while you’re eating a heart attack in a bowl. And then I’d take you to hang out at the farm with some fun farm animals – you like goats..right? I might even be persuaded to get another llama if you promise to come. Plus, I think we’re getting a donkey soon. YEAH. FUN TIMES. Plus – I’ll totally drive you places on a tractor. Like to the towns giant statue of a buck. Which is right beside rock cliffs where they have the only ethic restaurant in a 30 mile radius. Where you’ll eat chinese food that’s so good you might explode. And then eat some deep fried icecream, because..well..why the hell not.

    And I promise I’ll say eh after everything. Probably because I already do. Because that’s how we do it in Canada – eh.

    So – now that I’ve made such a lovely argument for Canadialand…when can I expect you?

  100. On March 2nd, 2011 at 12:57 pm E3 Says:

    I have a friend who, whenever she travels, takes pictures of herself in a BamBam costume (from the Flintstones). She has pictures of her BamBam self all over the world.

    Come to Canada! 🙂

  101. On March 2nd, 2011 at 1:44 pm Amy Says:

    Ashland, KY here. Beautiful in the spring, hot as h*ll in the summer. (oh, and we have lots of ducks!)

  102. On March 2nd, 2011 at 3:07 pm Flannery Says:

    You should stop at every one of those “historical site, 2 miles” places that you find along the way. It’s always something like “patch of rare daisy hybrids” or “site where Butch Cassidy once parked his car”…lame shit. That’s it, the Lame Highway Marker Cross Country Tour of 2011. Boom, WINNER!

  103. On March 2nd, 2011 at 3:16 pm Jack Says:

    I love LA we have everything we need here and far too much of it. Mostly far too many people. You are welcome to take a bunch of them and use them for groupies, minions, peasants, whatever. Just get them the hell off of my freeway.

  104. On March 2nd, 2011 at 4:20 pm magpie Says:

    IV. New York

  105. On March 2nd, 2011 at 5:12 pm Erin Says:

    You could come visit me in Rochester, MN… not that there’s anything to do here.

    Also, obligatory duck song – “Ducks Like Rain” by Raffi. My husband sings that effin song all the time. Well, not all the time, but enough to make me remember it. Since you know you wanna hear it, there’s a streaming file here:–764601

  106. On March 2nd, 2011 at 5:53 pm Sara R. Says:

    Ugh, I just wretched a little when I saw that picture of Orbitz. The first and only time I tried it, I was 16 and I had bought some on the way over to my friend’s house. I had just taken my first sip as I walked in her door and it was so sickly sweet and reminiscent of phlegm that I ran straight past her and gagged it out in her kitchen sink, which of course was exactly when her mom walked in. Thankfully she was a reasonable woman and didn’t assume I was drunk and kick me out, even when I later fell off her front porch, landing on and exploding a flower pot. I’m just rude and clumsy.

  107. On March 2nd, 2011 at 6:29 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BWAHAHAHAHA! That Orbitz was SO COOL LOOKING and tasted like such a hot steaming pile of poo.

    Also: exploding flower pot = best visual ever.

  108. On March 4th, 2011 at 2:49 am Satan Says:

    new orleans, more’s the pity.
    although we have an odd thought of perhaps relocating to the chicago area, whereupon i would be forced to stalk you until you hung out with me.
    but seriously if you ever wanna come down this way, you can definitely get me to take you around the city and get in trouble.
    : ]

  109. On March 4th, 2011 at 10:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I really think that you should move up to Chicago. I could use a local BFF and I swear, any rash you see isn’t catching.


  110. On March 4th, 2011 at 7:49 pm Satan Says:

    perhaps, perhaps – we’ll know by the end of the year.
    however, i’m torn between several places i love… that and being able to afford housing! so you wouldn’t mind if i moved in with you either, right??

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