Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Went To Maryland And All I Got Was This Lousy Feminine Hygiene Pack


By the time I arrived in Maryland, I’d already been in the airport for what seemed like eleventy-billion years. Before I arrived – just as I arrived at the airport – my 9AM flight had been bumped to 11AM and I was set to miss my connecting flight. By a long mile.

It appeared, though, that fortune was about to favor the really stupid as I charmed the lady from US Airways into moving me to a straight-through flight from Chicago to Maryland. This was no small victory.

My day seemed as though nothing, save for sitting at the airport terminal for three hours, could touch it. I was invincible. I was brilliant. I was about to take the ride of my life.

(total lie)

And then, my friend Nic picked me up from the Maryland airport, new copy of SkyMall happily in hand, and we went out to lunch. Then? My day just got a hell of a lot awesomer. Because I found THIS:

For 5 bucks, I too, could have a kit for all of life’s unexpected moments. Eagerly, I wondered what could be in this quixotic pink case. A light saber? A NEW copy of SkyMall? A billion dollars? A unicorn on roller skates? I simply couldn’t guess.

I was understandably depressed to learn that all this brilliantly pink case contained was some tampons. Like one. Not even a CONDOM or a copy of “Your STD and You.”


After leaving the sad pink case behind, Nic prepared to drop me off at my hotel when we saw this:

And then I spent the rest of the weekend confused.

I drove a shitballs Ford something or another that was probably manufactured well before I was born to learn to drive. And in Maryland they allow – nay ENCOURAGE – students to learn to drive on a Corvette?

I considered jacking the student driver, but I was suitably underwhelmed by Maryland and figured I probably didn’t need to spend the next 8-10 years there in jail. Better to be busted for something in Chicago, where my “mob” connections might land me a really spiffy cell.

The rest of the weekend was spent moaning in a dark bedroom. Migraine. It appeared that Maryland didn’t agree with me.

On the flight home, I got stuck in some southern backwoods airport for an extra hour. An hour I blissfully listened to a couple near me fight about The Bears and a drunken guy loudly complain about people from Chicago. I’d have knifed him with a homemade shiv, but I left my toothbrush at the hotel.

When I finally stopped laughing, I opened my eyes and saw this: something so magical I so as to evoke tears in my hardened heart. Something so magnificent as to require photographic evidence, if only to document that such a time was really, really, really real:

If you, Pranksters, are not weeping at the sight of a man, vigorously playing with his testicles while loudly on the phone with someone, well, your heart is more hardened than even mine.

And so, with a quick tug on his penis, this guy made certain that my trip to Maryland, was, for a moment, perfect.

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
40 Comments to

“I Went To Maryland And All I Got Was This Lousy Feminine Hygiene Pack”

  1. On September 27th, 2011 at 11:48 am Robin | Farewell, Stranger Says:

    Only you, AB. Only you.

  2. On September 27th, 2011 at 11:55 am Jayme (RandomBlogette) Says:


  3. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Mel Says:

    Sadly, I am not shocked by this photo.

    I think I was on a school trip many, many, MANY moons ago, when we were on Whacker Drive in Chicago, and literally saw someone *ahem* whacking it. School trips to the big city make you grow up fast.

  4. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:09 pm AngieM. Says:

    i bet he was SO into his conversation, he didnt even realize he was playing his balls

  5. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:26 pm Angie Uncovered Says:

    Airports are AWESOME for this. Thanks for sharing your shopping finds and the testicle tugger! I think AngieM is right, though. He’s a guy. He probably didn’t realize he was jiggling the handle.

  6. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:51 pm Amy Says:

    Heck with the self stimulation, he’s got a CHEESEBURGER for a head!!!!!

  7. On September 27th, 2011 at 1:47 pm AngieM. Says:

    bahahahahahahahha!!!!! exactly!!

  8. On September 27th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Dianne Says:

    Nice trip! I don’t think the guy deserves to have his face covered with a cheeseburger, IMO.

  9. On September 27th, 2011 at 1:09 pm The Sweetest Says:

    Life can be both suckie and kickass at the same time. I think this photo-op makes it all worthwhile.

  10. On September 27th, 2011 at 1:11 pm JTook Says:

    bwahahahaha! Why can’t I ever run into people like this???

  11. On September 27th, 2011 at 1:58 pm Alli Says:

    Is there a difference between emergency tampons and regular tampons? I mean, there just HAS to be, otherwise why would you need a special emergency pack?

    Maybe they rocket out of the applicator for super fast insertion in the face of a menstrual tidal wave?

    Could they have a homing device in case you’re blinded by tear gas, yet don’t want to bleed all over your clothes in the middle of a protest? (how embarrassing!)

  12. On September 27th, 2011 at 3:23 pm Andrea Says:

    I am sorry that a migraine didn’t count as an “unexpected moment” that could be cured by opening that sweet pink package! I think I might be scarred for life that I will now picture the Hamburglar fondling his junk whenever I think of him…that I think of him at all might be the real problem!

  13. On September 27th, 2011 at 3:58 pm Yoshi pike Says:

    You caught the hamburgler on his day off????? Always wondered what happened to him. Maybe he is talking to Mayor McCheese. Hmmmmm

  14. On September 27th, 2011 at 4:02 pm Kate Says:

    I’m from Maryland so I was curious enough to look up the driving school. It’s just a guess but from their website I’d say the Corvette belongs to the guy who owns the school and is just a publicity stunt.

  15. On September 27th, 2011 at 4:11 pm ronetta Says:

    i’m sorry your trip to maryland sucked a little…really, maryland is pretty awesome, sans migraines.
    i learned to drive in the state of maryland in a 2001 hyundai accent at my driving school. i have no idea how that kid got to drive a corvette. seriously. and he is probably a sucky driver anyway.

  16. On September 27th, 2011 at 5:12 pm Tammy H Says:

    What a great way to end the trip. My only problem with this whole situation is that every man out there does this

  17. On September 27th, 2011 at 8:01 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Not in airports, though.

  18. On September 27th, 2011 at 10:02 pm Pete In Az Says:

    And, besides…

    We’re just checking that they’re still there.

    Ya never know. someone might come up and steal them when we’re not looking, or when we have our head in a hamburger.

  19. On September 28th, 2011 at 11:26 am Grace Says:

    Gotta protect the McNuggets!!

  20. On September 27th, 2011 at 5:55 pm Jaime Says:

    just fucking wow…. I’ve never seen anything that crazy in any of my trips……. wow.

  21. On September 27th, 2011 at 6:49 pm Alexis Says:

    Dearest Auntie Becky,

    My uncle Mahonri, who incidentally doesn’t claim me, but that’s another story for another day, would have loved to have been in your shoes. He has sticky fingers. We don’t know if it’s kleptomania or if he just steals to avoid having to pay for things. One of the things he steals is feminine hygiene products. He would be so envious to know someone gave you a kit for free, and you didn’t even have to steal it.
    Your niece,
    P.S. You can decide for yourself whether or not you’re related by extension to Uncle Mahonri.

  22. On September 27th, 2011 at 7:22 pm Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd Says:

    I’m sure it sucked to realize after you opened the emergency kit that those two bitches were laughing at you, not with you.

  23. On September 27th, 2011 at 8:23 pm Tex Commando Says:

    Why didn’t you call me while you were in MD?

  24. On September 27th, 2011 at 9:30 pm Maura Says:

    Well, I’m in Maryland – and recognize that intersection where you are stopped at as the cross between Twinbook Pkwy and Chapman behind the Barnes & Noble in Rockville. Just around the corner from some of the wealthiest suburbs in the nation – Bethesda/Kensington/Chevy Chase. Nothing chaps my ovaries more than seeing some little 16 year old shit driving an SUV or sports car that is worth double what I make in a year.

    Also, Senor Testicles is awesome. Only in MD could you have such self absorbed obliviousness…

  25. On September 27th, 2011 at 9:32 pm Maura Says:

    Oops, my bad. I thought he was in MD. He was in Chicago.

    Could have easily been MD…

  26. On September 27th, 2011 at 9:59 pm kristin Says:

    I am so embarrassed that this was your trip to MD! I swear, we have better stuff going on! And I wish I had driven a corvette during driving school.. 🙂

  27. On September 28th, 2011 at 7:55 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Was that at BWI? Because I never use BWI ’cause it out of the way for me. But if there’s chances of a view like that, I will definitely start.

  28. On September 28th, 2011 at 8:37 am Tom Says:

    I wish I could get my cameraphone to work fast enough to capture memories like this! YOU ROCK!

  29. On September 28th, 2011 at 8:58 am heydave Says:

    Truly magical!

  30. On September 28th, 2011 at 9:07 am Marta Says:

    Did you wait and see if his conversation ended happily?

  31. On September 28th, 2011 at 11:28 am Grace Says:

    I drove a mid-90’s model Buick sedan for Driver’s Ed. I think it was the same size as my bedroom.

  32. On September 28th, 2011 at 12:00 pm Whitney Soup Says:

    i visited maryland once and it was pretty uneventful… now you’re making me want to try it again!

  33. On September 28th, 2011 at 2:52 pm John Says:

    I didn’t know you were taking that picture!

  34. On September 28th, 2011 at 8:37 pm Kristin Says:

    Only you, Aunt Becky, could get a picture of a guy playing with himself in the airport.

  35. On September 29th, 2011 at 11:46 am psychodynamom Says:

    OMG. I LOVE this post. Corvette driving punk and my husband lolling around on the OMG so fucking nasty airport carpet while checking his package. LMAO!!

  36. On September 29th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Working Mommy Says:

    hmmm…sounds like you enjoyed your trip to the people’s republic was just as awesome as can be expected…guess I should have prepped you a bit, huh?! i apologize for my lack of prepping ability…one of my downfalls, I suppose!


  37. On September 29th, 2011 at 8:24 pm magpie Says:

    LOL. And, the hamburger shielding his face is pretty awesome.

  38. On October 1st, 2011 at 12:49 pm Cindy Says:

    That shit just made MY day, AB, and I will never be able to pay the debt of gratitude I owe you for this. This is why I love you. Why can’t I see dudes yanking their wankers in airports? You have the most awesome life sometimes, and I am envious.

  39. On October 3rd, 2011 at 1:58 pm Denise Says:

    Shit. You were in MY state and I missed it. Not that it would have made your trip fun because I am incredibly lame but the fact that I missed an opportunity to hump your leg pisses me off.

  40. On November 13th, 2011 at 11:47 pm Norma Says:

    Ahhhhhhh Jayzuz!!!!
    Scratchin’ the old twig n’berries!!!! Betcha he scratched his nose after too!!!

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