Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Love It When We’re Cruising Together


In roughly two hours, I’m leaving for my cruise, which is pretty much full of WIN for me and pretty much full of LOSE for my family. I’m traveling alone down to Florida to meet up with Angie because stupid CHICAGO doesn’t have a stupid OCEAN it’s rapidly losing whatever awesomeness quotient it had. Chicago, I am moving away.

I’ve been on a cruise once before as a broke college kid and they put us in what HAD to have once been servant’s quarters, but I’ll tell you that it was awesome. Even when we hit a major storm and everyone started yacking in the hallways like the Great Pie Eating Contest in Stand By Me, it was pretty much the best vacation ever. My friends didn’t have a very good time, but I did.

I mean, it’s a big boat in the middle of the ocean. Occasionally, when you sail close to hostile countries, you get surrounded by men with semiautomatic weapons. What’s not to love?

This time, I’m going to relax, workout, get a motherfucking tan and write. I have a lot of writing to do on my book and a lot of thinking to do. I know, that makes me sound very deep and meaningful, but it’s true. YOUR AUNT BECKY, a THINKING person. Who would have THOUGHT it?

(answer: not me)

I’m hoping to come back with a camera full of hilarious pictures. It’s going to be like BINGO for Cruising Bloggers. This is what I want:

1) A picture of someone in a tuxedo shirt

2) Someone with a mullet

3) Someone with a SHE-mullet

4) Someone using a garbage bag for luggage

I’m not sure quite what else to expect, but I’m sure that will be an excellent start.

I’ve gotten a couple of guest posts lined up, and The Daver will be doing Go Ask The Daver this week, so if you want THE DAVER to answer your questions, go ahead and submit them to Go Ask Aunt Becky in the sidebar (if you don’t, he’ll just answer some Go Ask Aunt Becky questions). He’s more thoughtful and nicer than I am anyway and it’ll take him like 10 hours to write the column so that will be HILARIOUS if you do it. I can’t wait to get back and see what you make him do.

SPEAKING of book stuff, Dave will be home with The Sausages and sending out the sample chapter for my book, so check your spam filter if you’ve signed up because that’s where they’ve been ending up. See, I sent them from a DUMMY email address because I didn’t want people being all “WHO THE FUCK AR U SLUT?” in my real email case one of you had entered your email all wrong.

So the email address is a dummy.

But, if you haven’t gotten it by Sunday, send an email, marriage proposal, or complaints to That’s Dave’s email address and he likes email, I think. Internet access on the boat is like 50 dollars a minute and while I might go through withdrawal, I can’t justify tweeting at that rate.

Bon Voyage, my Pranksters. If my plane does not go down in a fiery crashball like the last one I was on almost did, I will see you on Monday.

Also, for any of you who asked how old I was in that picture, it was taken on Sunday and I am actually 12.5. I’m aging backwards.

48 Comments to

“I Love It When We’re Cruising Together”

  1. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:53 am Elly Lou Says:

    Don’t eat the jello, k? Nothing good every came out of jello. Especially the weird green stuff.

  2. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:58 am sarah Says:

    Hi! Have a fantastic time! If you aren’t able to get all those pictures, you could cheat and just go to Walmart. I was there this morning and I saw all those things. (The Tux shirt I saw was a t-shirt. Is that what you meant? Or a real tux shirt) Anyway, I’ll be thinking of you out there, being warm, floating on the ocean and I’ll be here dying of jealousy.

  3. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:03 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I may shit my pants from excitement. I’ll wear black shorts when I get you from the airport so you don’t see the shart stains.

    and squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!

  4. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:18 am Ashley K. Says:

    I gave you an award on my blog today! Congrats and have fun on your cruise!

  5. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:32 am soccermom Says:

    Have a kick ass time. I am soooo jealous.

    I will make sure to come up with some very interesting questions for the good ole “Daver” this week.

  6. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:41 am The Only Girl Says:

    Enjoy some champagne on the upper deck for me please!

  7. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:47 am carissa Says:

    Aunt Becky I hope you have a BLAST! And that you get a lot of writing done, but mostly I’m counting on you for a mullet picture.. You will be missed!

  8. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:53 am ColinP Says:

    Have fun, and remember the cute dog being led through the baggage retrieval is not there for show. It is a working dog looking for illegal food stuff.

  9. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:55 am Georgette Says:

    have fun! don’t drink the water, i heard you’ll get pregnant with a jelly fish.

  10. On May 12th, 2010 at 9:55 am Fran Says:

    Have a wonderful time and please please please remember every moment so you can tell us all about it when you get back and I can live vicariously through you!! By tuxedo shirt do you mean a real one or a t-shirt one? If it’s a t-shirt one then I am going to guess that you might hit a trifecta and get a picture of someone WITH a mullet WEARING a tuxedo t-shirt while CARRYING their garbage bag luggage…is it too much to hope that they will have a she-mullet wife on their arm? Cause that would send me over the moon!

  11. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:00 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    Safe travels! Hope you have a great time! Take lots of notes and pictures because I want to see the elusive she-mullet.

  12. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:07 am Shin Ae Says:

    I’ll miss you! Have fun! I can’t wait to hear about it!

  13. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:15 am a Says:

    Why didn’t you invite me???

    Have a great time, and get lots of writing done. Also, have the Daver hire a maid for the day before you return…

  14. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:17 am Tweets that mention I Love It When We’re Cruising Together | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Angie. Angie said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Little from column random? wooooo hoooooooo!!!!!!! […]

  15. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:21 am Jamie Lee Says:

    Have an awesome time! I can’t wait to see your pictures!

  16. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:23 am pattypunker Says:

    if you don’t find the she mullet, i can always send you one of my golden oldies a la pat benatar.

    happy cruising, love!

  17. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:25 am Brooke Says:

    Have a great time! Bon voyage!

  18. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:36 am Jenn Says:

    I hope you have the best time ever! I’m jealous but looking forward to the photos! πŸ™‚

  19. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:55 am Betty M Says:

    Have a fabulous time!

  20. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:01 am Jennifer B Says:

    By any chance are you sailing out of Miami???? You could at least wave on your way through town. I’ll be jockin you and your fabulous pee-alone, I mean cruise time. You better have a boat-load of fun (gah, that was awful) and definitely write your little heart out. You totally deserve it. I feel confident when I speak for all us internetzers when I say that we’ll really miss you. Bon voyage beyotch!!!!

  21. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:05 am Mrs Soup Says:

    Have fun, Whore!

  22. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:07 am The Mommy Says:

    You could easily take all of those pictures at my family reunion in Ohio. No ocean required. Just sayin’.

  23. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:20 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Have fun! My parents are on a cruise right now. I’ve been on a couple, they are wonderful!

  24. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:21 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I have a photo suggestion – inappropriate use of spandex

  25. On May 12th, 2010 at 11:22 am melanie Says:

    hope you have a great time, I personally hate cruises, but I know I am not normal LOL

  26. On May 12th, 2010 at 12:05 pm cathyjoy Says:

    a whole week without ya? shit…

    have a great time! can’t wait to see she-mullet pics :O)

  27. On May 12th, 2010 at 12:05 pm mumma boo Says:

    Bon voyage! Remember, I like them with salt around the rim AND umbrellas.

  28. On May 12th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Sam Says:

    OMG have an amazing time!!! I am living vicariously through you and your child-free cruise, (in case you wondered what that tingling feeling was in your spidey senses – it’s me, livin’ the dream.) I did one cruise = senior year in high school with my gay bff and the entire time everyone thought we were newleweds. Mainly because he’d affect this awesome uber-straight voice and pretend to throw me into our cabin and then bang on the door like we were getting busy. It was crazy. Then we found out it was a themed cruise. Country Western. Did I mention me and my GAY BFF??? NOT Country Western fans. I totally have to blog this. Have FUN! And drink one for me!

  29. On May 12th, 2010 at 1:51 pm angryworkingmom Says:

    Have a blast…drink yourself stupid!

  30. On May 12th, 2010 at 2:13 pm Wishing4One Says:

    Add to your photo list women over the age of 65 with large hats and bad plastic surgery. Have fun girl and bring back that pimp with the funds. xoxo

  31. On May 12th, 2010 at 2:15 pm Wishing4One Says:

    Oh and thanks for the title of this post, now I got that stupid song in my head. Thanks, your the best man. And I knew you were like 12.5 or so my gawd girl you looked crazy young!

  32. On May 12th, 2010 at 2:31 pm Rebecca Says:

    You’ve gotta not only find a fat guy wearing a speedo, but it would be nice if you could find a ‘wow! I’m glad I got to see that speedo…’ like a sexy minimal to hairless guy.

  33. On May 12th, 2010 at 2:56 pm Alex@LateEnough Says:

    Ooh, I’m going away this weekend, family-free, too! BUT I have to wear a bridesmaid dress.
    Can you take a picture of someone re-wearing a bridesmaid dress? I need ideas to get my $99 worth.

  34. On May 12th, 2010 at 3:04 pm Mwa Says:

    Have an illegal amount of fun!

  35. On May 12th, 2010 at 3:52 pm Virginia Says:

    How sad is it that I can honestly say I’ve seen everything on your bingo check list at my local Walmart AND at my local airport.

    The joys of living in Tennessee.

  36. On May 12th, 2010 at 5:01 pm Angie Says:

    Well, I knew you were a genius, Aunt Becky, but I bow before your Completely Evil SUPERGenius. Aging backward. Check out the BIG BRAIN on our Becky. I am totally stealing that idea while you’re drunk on a cruise ship.
    Angie at EatHere

  37. On May 12th, 2010 at 5:46 pm Lippy Says:

    Have fun. I am so so very jealous. Cruises are full of the awesome.

  38. On May 12th, 2010 at 6:33 pm Aunt Juicebox Says:

    Have fun and be careful!

  39. On May 12th, 2010 at 6:38 pm Becca Says:

    Have a wonderful time for all of us!! πŸ™‚

  40. On May 12th, 2010 at 8:56 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    yeaaa! have fun!!

  41. On May 12th, 2010 at 8:56 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    yeaaa! have fun!!

  42. On May 12th, 2010 at 8:57 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    yeaaa! have lots of fun!!

  43. On May 12th, 2010 at 8:57 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    yeaaa! have lots of fun!!

  44. On May 12th, 2010 at 10:02 pm linlah Says:

    she-Mullet’s? what kinda cruise is this.

  45. On May 13th, 2010 at 2:16 am panamahat Says:

    Cruise- YAY! She-mullet – not so much…

  46. On May 13th, 2010 at 7:19 am habanerogal Says:

    I seriously wonder if this cruise company has any idea of the magnitude of entertaining the pair of you. They better roll out the red carpet

  47. On May 13th, 2010 at 11:59 am adhocmom Says:

    Interesting. May be going on a cruise this December. Oddly, I’m TERRIFIED. Weird right? Have fun and good luck!

  48. On May 13th, 2010 at 7:43 pm Sadie at heyMamas Says:

    I hope you have (are having) a great time and I look forward to some stories, hilarious ones, but that goes without saying.

    Sadie at heyMamas

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