Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Guess That The Best That I Can Hope Is That It’s One Of The Fingers I Use Least.


I’m not entirely certain, since during the closing I said maybe one word to these people (that word, was “hello.” But I sadly did not follow it up with a “is it meeee you’re looking foooor?”) but I think that the people we bought our house from sort-of half-flipped houses. At the very least, they finished the basement and put in a whirlpool.

*cue porno music*

They weren’t here long, 2-4 years, depending upon if you ask The Daver or Yours Truly, but the people who lived here before them were. And they loved this house, much like we do.

Carefully, they landscaped the front of the house, filling it with lilacs, 2 rhododendrons, 4 evergreens, an amur maple, some bridal bushes and a handful of unidentified bushes. I’m sure that their visions were absolutely lovely and well thought out.

Unfortunately, the people who bought the house from them (the people who we bought the house from) were much like The Daver: the sort of people who should not own houses. Rather, they should own something where someone else is responsible for landscaping. Like a townhouse or an apartment or something.

Because we inherited a nightmare of epic proportions: in lieu of real flowers, we had plastic flowers both planted and strung through the trellis of our privacy screen.

In February.

In the Midwest.

With 2 feet of snow on the ground, we still had unidentifiable gaily colored stalks peeking up, oblivious to their inappropriateness.

Spring came and I noticed that I had a rose bush that was so overgrown that it literally towered over us. And no, for those rose aficionados out there, it was neither climbing or rambling (also, if you heart roses, will you be my BFF?). The bridal bushes hadn’t touched in years and easily reached into my neighbors lawn where they could have easily poked someone’s eyeball out.

The snowball bushes, carefully planted around the air conditioner unit to reduce the unsightliness of it had overgrown it so thoroughly that I couldn’t imagine the efficiency of the unit without shuddering.

And the front of my house, once rife with small, neatly trimmed bushes, now makes my house appear as though a recluse lives here. A CREEPY recluse. (I am not a recluse. I just opt to not go out with all of my children if I have a choice)(wouldn’t you?)

In a stunning fit of brilliance, unmatched since the day I decided to get my name on a belt (wait, no, that was AWESOME) I decided this year to prune the ever-loving shit out of my lilacs and my rhododendron. Smart move.

Because my bushes (heh) are now growing like hell and not helping the There Must Be A Murder Living There overall vibe of my house. This is apparently what happens when one takes a blade to plants: it makes them want to grow MORE.

Also not helping is my Ash tree, which, my pleas to the city to cut it back some have been sorely unanswered. Stupid Emerald Ash Boner Borer Boner

So, I’ve got a Master Plan.

It (freakishly) involves a chainsaw and the removal of at least 6, more like 8, bushes. OH, and a fucking mess of ground cover. Basically, it’ll be one of those things where Dave will sit in the house at the window, phone in hand, dial 9 and 1 and wait for the screams before he dials the next 1. There’s no doubt that this will end up with some missing digits but hopefully not limbs.

There is no doubt in my mind that this is a Bad, Bad Idea, but thankfully, it will have to wait until spring.

Because even though I know that I need to remove this stuff, I have absolutely no idea what to replace it all with. Thankfully, I have many months to painstakingly research whatever it is that I decide upon. It’s mostly shade (thank YOU Ash tree for casting such a shadow on my house) and I don’t know a lot about shade-a-philic plants.

Saw Blade

The likely instrument of my demise. An unused saw blade, waiting, just waiting for me to get stupid enough to think that this a bright idea RIGHT NOW.

… who wants to come watch*? I should sell tickets to this event: Watch Aunt Becky Mangle Herself, extra if you want to film videos of it to put on YouTube later.

*By watch, of course, I mean that you’ll have to do most of the work while I sit in a lounge chair directing you while I sip a nice cold mojito. What’s not to love?

(also, I would like to beg you to go over to that box thingy on my sidebar and vote for me if you would, please o! please? I’m pretty sure I’m being spanked by a coupon blog now and that makes me feel sad inside. SAD, Internet.)

60 Comments to

“I Guess That The Best That I Can Hope Is That It’s One Of The Fingers I Use Least.”

  1. On August 31st, 2009 at 12:32 am lauren Says:

    I AM THE FIRST COMMENTER! FUCK YOU OTHER READERS! Just kidding. Really. I don’t have a green thumb either. In fact, I hate gardening. My mom loves it. I think she’s crazy. It combines two things I don’t like – being dirty and manual labor.

    I am not a lesbian (much) and I love manual labor and being dirty. But I also love diamonds and pink anything.

  2. On August 31st, 2009 at 4:23 am Kelly Says:

    I wouldn’t be much help, sorry. I had the bright idea to plant a flower garden in front of the house this year, and it was beautiful…a few months ago. Since then I have not weeded once, and while there are some beautiful wild flowers still blooming, everything (including the weeds) has grown half way up the house. I’m sure this has made the neighbors label us white trash, but luckily, they’re mostly my family and I don’t have to care what they think! Iwas contemplating taking a weedeater to the whole thing, but I think it’s smarter to just convince my hubby to do it.

    I think that’s what Daver hates about gardening. It’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am thing. I’m always fiddling with my orchids and my roses. Like every day. Because THEY don’t talk back.

  3. On August 31st, 2009 at 3:59 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    After removal of 40-odd overgrown bushes and trees from my own property, I can definitely sympathize. We hired a tree guy for the big stuff, but did the rest our selves. Good luck. It’s a lot of work, but it’s nice when your house is finally sprung from the witness protection program.

    I have a feeling it’s going to take a long time to get it all looking less creepy, but it will be worth it. Now, I just need some willing hands to help me out.

  4. On August 31st, 2009 at 5:14 am Carlynn Says:

    Oooh, I would love to come. But only if you promise to give me my own blade. I lurve pruning and cutting. Love it more than life itself.

    If you came, I would happily buy you all of your own implements.

  5. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:29 am Ms. Moon Says:

    I’m thinking you might need to hire someone to pull those things out. Cutting them down will only encourage them. But maybe that’s just the way it works in Florida.
    Good luck, honey.

    Oh, I’ll be yanking them out, too. Lucky me, right?

  6. On August 31st, 2009 at 5:35 am Kristin Says:

    I have all these frakking “volunteer” trees trying to grow right next to the foundation of my house including a dogwood that I have tried to get rid off (too close to house to dig up and transplant) and it grows back stronger every damned time.

    Try cutting it down and spraying the SHIT out of it with Weed-be-Gone. Seriously. You may have to do it a couple of times, but it should kill it. See, we have fucking buckthorns. Fucking BUCKTHORNS.

  7. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:54 am SciFi Dad Says:

    You know, I’m very disappointed in you. Trimming Aunt Becky’s Bush was too obvious a post title? Really?

    Where were you yesterday when I couldn’t come up with a post title?

  8. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:59 am SCY Says:

    Who do that yourself when there are ppl you can pay to do it for you is my question?


    That is exactly Daver’s argument.

  9. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:25 am Dawn Says:

    Ah, the emerald ash borer. We had beautiful, tree lined streets until they came to town.

    Now, we have a subdivision that looks like it’s designed by people firmly locked in the 70’s. The only shade trees left are the silver maples and the bradford pears. Every fall and spring, the mature bradford pears lose huge chunks as an added bonus.

    Personally, I like gardening. We can hardly hack at our children with rakes, shovels and other implements of destruction, can we? I’m all about sanctioned violence. Keeps us from the unsanctioned kind.

    I completely agree! I can get out a LOT of my frustrations while digging up piles of mulch or roots. It’s awesome and totally cathartic. I only wish I could do it every day.

  10. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:51 am fidget Says:

    we have neighbors who do the plastic dollar store flowers thing which makes me so so sad. I mean, I live in FLORIDA, you can fart and flowers will spring out of your ass pretty much year round and they had to use PLASTIC?

    That is DEPRESSING.

  11. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:54 am Belle Says:

    Hmmm.. I would totally rationalize hiring someone… you know, you’re going to have to pay for a manicure and pedicure afterwards anyway, and and and… stuff.

    Like “finger reattachment?” Yeah. Maybe I will see if I can find someone. MAYBE.

  12. On August 31st, 2009 at 6:56 am Jenn Says:

    Um, yeah. I kind of have to do the plastic flower thing. Not that I would but….I can’t grow. Anything. Except my own ass apparently. Good luck to you and your fingers.

    Oh, PLEASE, no plastic flowers. Okay, wait, no. Do the plastic flowers and then send me pictures.

  13. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:03 am Twitter Trackbacks for Mommy Wants Vodka Β» Blog Archive Β» I Guess That The Best That I Can Hope Is That It’s One Of The Fingers I [] on Says:

    […] First Tweet 27 minutes ago mommywantsvodka Aunt Becky Highly Influential It's a train wreck, no doubts: view retweet […]

  14. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:06 am Tori Says:

    My MIL is a master gardener. She’s won awards, been written up in magazines, the whole works.
    People go from her house to mine and you can see the shock on their faces.
    Me? I kill plants. All I have to do is look at them and you swear you can here them screaming, “noooooooo….keep her awayyyyyyy….sheeee’s eeeeevilllll.”
    My mil tells me to talk to them.
    I don;t even like to talk to my family; much less some plants that make me sneeze and bring bees ard-which I’m highly allergic to.

    I admit, sometimes I go to MIL’s house and talk nasty to her plants.Just to see if it really works.

    Bwahahahahaha! I…just…love…you. *gasps for air* Bwahahahaha!

  15. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:08 am Beth Says:

    I was on a gardening bender this weekend too. The weather was just too perfect for it around wasn’t it?

    I love roses too but I’ve found out here in the woods I have a hard time growing them. I do have a sunny area out front but the Japanese beetles get them every year. I had a beautiful Graham Thomas yellow english rose that I didn’t have a chance to move before our pool was put in. Someday I will replace it.

    You come out here and help me move eleventy niner billion hostas and I’ll come cut down all your bushes!

    Roses big puffy heart the sun. Shade is no good for them and they don’t grow well.

    I’d happily move hostas for help with the bushes. You name the time and place and I will be there. No bells on, though.

  16. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:14 am Laura Says:

    See, at least you’re not like my father. An ex-farmer, he still maintains quite vehemently that any job can be done in ‘five minutes’ when he really means that ‘the job I have asked you to undertake will require much more expertise and tools than you or I anticipated, and will in fact take us about two hours. And five minutes.’ Also that any power tool that isn’t working the first time can either be fixed by kicking it, yelling at it, sometimes a combination of both. I have witnessed, on occasion, a chainsaw going flying across the paddock because it wouldn’t work and Dad decided that throwing it would surely fix it.

    Bwahahaha! Daver is like that! He’s all “oh, it’ll be like 10 minutes.” He LIES like the dog that he is. Whatever THAT means.

  17. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:56 am Sandy Says:

    I imagine that yard work is something I’ll be doing some day when I die and go to hell (if I’m not forgiven for various transgressions), so I will avoid it like the plague until then. I envy people who actually have visions for their yard. I’m happy if there is not a car on blocks and leave it at that.

    That saw looks deadly. I hope you post pictures of the bloody stump.

    Dave feels EXACTLY the same way about any yard work. He claims to be allergic, but I think he’s merely lazy. That’s okay. I don’t mind it.

  18. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:58 am MK Says:

    I have a black thumb. No Lie. My husband actually waters the flowers – that we buy in pots -and hang – because I suck at gardening so bad. Anyhoo – I’d like to vote over there. But do I need a login thingy? WTF? Why not just lemme click an “I love Becky” button??

    *sighs* That stupid site is annoying as hell to login to. I’m sorry.

  19. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:58 am Lola Says:

    I’ll bring the husband, since chopping things down and digging things up are his specialty, and we can both get drunk while he busts his ass.

    Maybe I will fly you both out…No, seriously.

  20. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:05 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    I am not much for landscaping, either, although my husband actually seems to enjoy that stuff. Usually. I’ve thought about planting a few flowers, but eh. They’d just die in a few weeks.

    Flowers and gardening take constant care. Like kids. Or something. But you can’t plug ’em into the TV.

  21. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:56 am Maggie Says:

    I totally changed my vote this year, Dear Aunt Becky… and why did I do this? BECAUSE YOU FARKIN ROCK!

    Besides.. the other site that I normally voted for got all wonky and lame when they got a book deal. I wont mention any names.. just that their initials are CAKEWRECKS.

    Bwahahahaha! Thank you!

  22. On August 31st, 2009 at 10:13 am Minnie Says:

    I’ll expect you to photo-chronicle this in it’s entirity. PLEASE?

    You know I will.

  23. On August 31st, 2009 at 9:19 am Pete in Az Says:

    Nice toy you have pictured there.

    I got a chainsaw.
    I got an axe
    I got loppers.
    I got a couple of pull saws.
    I got two mattocks(i think that’s what they are called, think sideways axe for dirt/roots).
    And, I got a chipper/shreadder.

    We could do some big-time damage and turn it all into mulch. It’ll be fun. Sawdust EVERYWHERE. πŸ™‚

    That thing up there is for plastic or something…

    If you were local, I would be ALL OVER THAT. Seriously. Fun stuff!

  24. On August 31st, 2009 at 9:27 am Nel Says:

    1. I voted.

    2. I don’t really love roses, but can we still be best friends?

    Of course! Thank you for voting.

  25. On August 31st, 2009 at 9:36 am Tracey Anne Says:

    I TOTALLY voted….But didn’t get a sticker that says so. Hmmm..

    But as for your flowery problem, you should do a before and after pic to post on your blog. And then we could all pretend to be looking at the bushes and really be looking for your address on the house and then drive to your town and TOTALLY find you and…..oh, um, speaking out loud again…dammit.


    I ACTUALLY took a picture, if you can believe it. And then I was kind of like…uh. Well. Uh. Should I REALLY put a picture of that up here? I’m not sure.

    And no sticker? That’s BULLSHIT!

  26. On August 31st, 2009 at 10:51 am moonspun Says:

    Yikes! You are a brave woman…or maybe someone who doesn’t care. YOu can still pick kids up without a finger or two, so no worries!

    10 fingers seems kind of like overkill, right?

  27. On August 31st, 2009 at 10:07 am Alina Says:

    The Fall actually might be the best time to trim if you aren’t planning to rip out the entire bush. Also when you are using the chainsaw, get down on the ground and cut the branches at the base. It’s much easier than trying to trim farther up. You can use the chainsaw to chop up the large branches into smaller branches after they are laying on the grass.

    Lastly you should find out when free brush pick up is in your ‘burb. I’m over in the ‘ville (e.g. Naperville) and we have a week of free brush pick up in the spring and another in the fall. That means you don’t have to spend an arm and a leg on those yard bags and the stickers!

    I was thinking about cutting the bushes WAY back this fall if I can get out there in time and then pulling out the stumps after the ground thaws. Heh. STUMPS.

  28. On August 31st, 2009 at 11:13 am Sarah Says:

    Landscaping is evil. The designers, the over-enthusiastic-geniuses-that-lived-in-our-homes-before-we-did, pretty much anything we didn’t plant ourselves… just evil.

    Chainsaws are our (however unlikely) friends. Maybe even heroes. I nonetheless opted for the buy-two-neighbors-a-case-of-beer-each option, so that THEY could have the glory and I could have the damn tree yanked out of my yard without any of my own limbs attached.

    But good luck with that!

    I’m wondering if there is anyone–ANYONE–that I can bribe to help me out. Specifically with the chainsaw part. I’m nervous about just plain old saws that sit there on my workbench, not electric or anything. I’m also nervous about axes for the same reason: I always worry that I’ll accidentally trip and lop off a finger.

  29. On August 31st, 2009 at 11:18 am Mrs. Spit Says:

    Meh, we trimmed the lilac into a tree, that’s how old and overgrown it was.

    I do have to humbly defend your plants and remind you that with the exception of the lilac, you really do need to prune in the spring, not the fall. Pruning in the fall can stress the shrub out and cause it to die. . .

    I think that would help me very much if they died now. Less work later πŸ™‚

  30. On August 31st, 2009 at 11:50 am Cara Says:

    Good luck with the cutting. I have some crappy plants in my yard we have cut down to just nubby little roots sticking up and poured plant killer on at least once a year for the 4 years we have owned our house. They are currently waving in the wind over my roof line!

    I hate, hate stuff like that. Stupid weeds.

  31. On August 31st, 2009 at 12:02 pm Christa Says:

    I have the same plan for the terrorist bushes around our house. My husband does not want to remove them. Even though they are huge, ugly, full of spiders, and grow way too fast. But I have faith that I will eventually get my way. I want to put a ground cover shrub called Mexican Heather in thier place. It is a lush green plant with tiny little purple flowers on it.

    “terrorist bushes!” bwahahaha! That’s BRILLIANCE.

    And Mexican Heather is lovely. Simply lovely.

  32. On August 31st, 2009 at 12:04 pm Rebecca Says:

    So we recently moved. We somehow ended up with a bunch of missionaries begging us to help move our stuff from house to truck, and to new house, when it was somewhere near 900F outside along with extreme humidity. When they finished up they asked if they could come by for a visit in a few weeks to see if there was anything else that we would need taken care of. A few weeks went by and they visited and begged us to do more work. We let them cut down a 40 foot pine tree.

    They are mormons. They are 19-20 year old boys that have to go out in the community and do service work. They LOVE doing stuff like cutting down trees, cleaning up brush, moving boxes, etc……So call your local Jesus Christ of the Later Day Saints/The Mormans, and see if someone could come out.

    We are Lutheran’s (The Missouri Synod). They don’t try to convert you to anything. They are really nice.

    That is an AWESOME idea. If they help me, I won’t even mind if they do try and convert me.

  33. On August 31st, 2009 at 12:40 pm sharon Says:

    plastic flowers in the ground? seriously? who does that?!

    going 2 vote 4 u now…

    This woman, I should add, ALSO decorated my fireplace with those ornamental statues you’re supposed to put into your lawn.

    *shudder, shudder*

  34. On August 31st, 2009 at 12:43 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Could it be?! Is this in response to my question I sent you yesterday? Even if you tell me it’s not, I’m still saying it is. Just so there’s no confusion.

    We have a sawsall and I’m not allowed NEAR it. I am allowed to watch Dirty use it, though. I do enjoy gardening. Even though, I’m not very good at it sometimes. I did grow peppers this year! YAAAAY!

    Good luck not cutting anything off that you’ll need!

    It was SORT of in response to your question, although I figure an in-depth assessment is in order.

  35. On August 31st, 2009 at 2:10 pm Melissa Says:

    I try pruning after a crappy day (more like weeks) at work. A few margaritas and those big ass pruners and I am ready to take my frustrations out on the plants. It’s great. Really.

    I also think that I may have nightmares about the what I am sure are day-glow plastic flowers in your flower beds. And I imagine the garland stuff looks something like the junk that was on the fake trellis background of our senior prom picture backdrop.


    If I hadn’t had a sense of humor, I would have been furious about having to snip down all of those stupid fake ivy leaves.

  36. On August 31st, 2009 at 1:14 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    My mother-in-law LOVES any kind of gardening. She’s crazy, but does good work. She transformed our house into something presentable. I love it muchly.

    Good luck! Best wishes! Don’t fall off a ladder and stab yourself.

    If you do, can I get your blog?

    I will bequeath you my blog, yes.

  37. On August 31st, 2009 at 1:16 pm a Says:

    You’re going to need a chainsaw if your tree trunks are more than a couple inches thick. You will be more likely to hurt yourself with the reciprocating saw, but it can be done. My husband likes to use that and then the circular saw. Any way you do it, be careful. And don’t forget eye protection.

    Better yet, borrow someone’s pickup truck and a chain and just pull those suckers out of the ground! (Kidding – we had trouble pulling a dead branch out of a tree when it was mostly already separated).

    Good luck…

    I’m very distrustful of anything with a rotating blade, but I see no other option. Except, of course, to admit defeat and hire someone.

  38. On August 31st, 2009 at 1:56 pm Sunny Says:

    Count my husband into the shouldn’t-own-a-lawn category. He begged me to get a condo when we were househunting. Sorry, no dice. Instead I just let us both be humiliated by the weeds that strangle our lawn and the overgrown landscaping that covers the sides of the house. I always hated the paint job on this place anyway.

    I love the silver lining, yo.

  39. On August 31st, 2009 at 3:07 pm kbrients Says:

    I totally got out the saw yesterday and cut down a huge tree*

    *by tree I mean a few dead branches on a small dead evergreen.

    LOVE the new site!

  40. On August 31st, 2009 at 3:17 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    Trimming your bush is very, very important. Don’t screw it up.

    Gonna go vote now!

  41. On August 31st, 2009 at 3:28 pm Mwa Says:

    I LOVE hacking back my garden. Enjoy!

  42. On August 31st, 2009 at 4:44 pm Sherry Says:

    Hearing about your Ash tree reminded me of a joke my dad told me a zillion years ago.

    Once upon a time there was a Birch tree and a Beech tree standing in the forest. A small sapling sprouted between them and the argument began. One tree claimed the sapling was a son of a Birch while the other tree claimed it as a son of a Beech. When a woodpecker happened by he was asked to examine the sapling and tell everyone if it was a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch. The woodpecker pecked and pecked and then gave his answer. “I don’t know if it’s a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch but it’s the best piece of Ash I’ve ever had”.

    Good luck with your trimming. If I lived closer I’d let you borrow my goats. That shit would be out of there in 24 hours or less guaranteed!

  43. On August 31st, 2009 at 5:21 pm Barbara Says:

    ugh….plastic flowers in the yard or as hanging baskets are so tacky! the worst…do you have pics????

  44. On August 31st, 2009 at 5:32 pm Kim @ Beautiful Wreck Says:

    I think some of my husband’s relative owned the house before you because they are all about some plastic flowers. They plant plastic tulips in Feb and leave them up until they are completely faded. Fake roses – sunflowers – hanging plants – very odd. I had never seen this until I met his family.

  45. On August 31st, 2009 at 7:09 pm kyslp Says:

    My Hubs should not be a home owner, either. If these kids ever get the eff out, (one says he is living in the basement for-eva) we ARE moving to a condo or townhouse. When we moved here, there was nothing but dirt and oddly spaced overgrown bushes for landscaping. It was not cheap to remedy. Looking forward to you updates on the progress. You could always hire yourself out to other wives such as ourselves if you get bored being at home or need some liquor money.

    BTW, the fake flowers are bizarre but very common where I live. They “plant” them in dirt and everything. The faded plastic looks so lovely with the Christmas lights in Spring.

    Bwahahaha! They totally were all faded too! Some of them were even in PLANTERS! It was awesome.

  46. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:40 pm Lurker-Berserker Says:

    I totally think you should go for it! Now! I WISH I could come help you, because while I don’t know if I like gardening, I know that I do heart heart heart getting filthy, using power tools, and destroying things. However, I reside in Canada.

    You said in one of your response-comments that you don’t like tools with rotating blades, but don’t see any other option…um, you know that the blade pictured is for a reciprocating saw, right? And it doesn’t rotate, it just moves back and forth? You may find this surprising, but I have every confidence that you can cut all those bushes down, with a reciprocating saw, and keep all your fingers and other appendages intact (this might be a different story if you had Old Balls, or loose ball skin, that could get all caught up in the mechanism, but I’m pretty sure you don’t. But I don’t KNOW). You’ll probably have to hold the saw with two hands to keep it steady, so it’s not like you’ll be sawing away with one hand while idly placing the other in its path. You’re probably more likely to burn your fingers by touch the blade when the saw isn’t running, because it gets really hot. Also, the saw stops almost instantly when you let go of the trigger. Speaking of which, did you know that there is a table saw where the blade stops running if you stick your finger in it? Apparently there was a commercial for it where they showcased this feature using hot dogs. Or maybe that was a dream I had?

    Anyway, yay for destruction and saws! Sorry if you already knew all this about the saws and what they are called and how easy they are to use…but you did call it a chainsaw…and it’s so not a chainsaw. I’m scared of chainsaws too.

    Oh yes, I also think you should wear your belt with your name on it when you undertake (and photo-document) this project.

    I will try to vote for you, too. Because apparently I heart your blog, also.

    That’s what my neighbor suggested! The Sawzall, right? I pick his brains regularly about this stuff and he told me that he’d help me.

    Also? I heart you. You crack my ass up.

  47. On August 31st, 2009 at 8:41 pm Lurker-Berserker Says:

    Also, I am sorry for my comments always being so long – they look more reasonable when I’m writing in the little box, and then I add the comment and I have written a ridiculous novella.

    I like long comments! Especially if you don’t have a blog I can stalk.

  48. On August 31st, 2009 at 9:56 pm Painted Maypole Says:

    trim that rose bush back, if you haven’t already, and it will bloom like crazy for you, too. we had some old bushes at our first house that my hubby wanted to pull out, but then I googled how to trim them (not that hard… google will tell you better than I can, though, as it’s been 7 years since I’ve owned a rose bush) and they were GORGEOUS

    and I once stood in the garage as my husband cut electrical wires… the 9 and the 1 already dialed…

    I am reviving one rose and the other three? RADIOACTIVELY AWESOME.

  49. On August 31st, 2009 at 10:45 pm Stone Fox Says:

    all that gardening sounds waaaaay too much like a Real Job. why don’t you take the easy way out: smash out a few of the main floor windows and board them up? if your house already looks decrepit, why not roll with it? maybe knock a few of the house numbers off or take the top two screws of the porch light out so it hangs crooked. you could always opt for leaving a few rusty appliances (don’t forget to take the doors off!) in the front yard, and you’d never have to mow again.

    Remember the creepy neighbors’ house in the movie The ‘Burbs? Go with that, mix a little white trash in. Think: single-wide 1970’s trailer meth lab crossed with haunted house. Tell your neighbors it’s a Theme. As in, “I have a Theme for my house. Obviously, you are content to run with the herd.”

    If they ask what the ‘Theme’ is exactly, just laugh and shake your head and say, “Oh you!” Then walk away.

    You. Are. My. New. BFF. Let’s get married.

  50. On August 31st, 2009 at 11:44 pm Lippy Says:

    I can tell you how NOT to get rid of crap in the lawn. When I was 20 I moved back home, my mom found out my dad was cheating(bastard). So naturally she wanted to redo the outside. We spent a ton of time, digging up grass, planting new flowers, and bushes. But there were these ugly evergreeny looking bushes under the front deck. We couldn’t figure out how to eliminate them (didn’t have a chainsaw). So I got the bright idea to *ahem* wrap a chain around them and around the underneath part of the car and pull them the fuck out. My mom was a total head case and thought that was the best idea evah. Well a Nissan Sentra doesn’t have the power you would think. “Luckily” a neighbor guy offered to help with his big truck. The first three came out easy peasy. But the fourth? Pulled down the deck. It’s funny now, but damn, that was not cool.
    That is my only gardening tip.

    Bwahahahaha! Awesome tip!

  51. On August 31st, 2009 at 11:58 pm kate Says:

    hello, i would like to volunteer to be the mojito-maker.

    (and drinker).

    because i know mojitos. shade plants? not as much.

    Mojitos are Of The Gods.

  52. On September 1st, 2009 at 12:00 am kate Says:

    ooohhh. i wonder if mint is a shade plant. like mint one would use in making a mohito.

    also? maybe hops is a shade plants. and, like, limes for gin and tonics.

    And barley? Maybe? I like the way you think.

  53. On September 1st, 2009 at 5:41 am WiseGuy Says:

    LOLOL@Tab Spermon…now you should get a cat and post a pic of Tab Spermon, for record.

    Sending you my special weed disappear lotion! πŸ™‚

    Tab Spermon is my hero.

  54. On September 1st, 2009 at 5:50 am Lucy Says:

    Vote for you again? Didn’t I just vote for you – and I don’t remember being paid for that vote, don’t you still owe me? What are you running for now?

    Class President.

  55. On September 1st, 2009 at 6:55 am Badass Geek Says:

    Ooh! I want to come help. Think you can convince my boss to let me off work?

    Of course!

  56. On September 1st, 2009 at 8:20 am Sherry Says:

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read! Fake plants…in the ground? I did not know people did such things…. HA!

    She had a whole set up of fake planter boxes left outside during the winter. My first dumpster was FULL of fake flowers. I SO don’t get it.

  57. On September 1st, 2009 at 7:46 am Karin Says:

    I’m in the midatlantic. When we bought this house, the previous owner had used liquid nails to make any repairs – light switch plate doesn’t want to stay on? liquid nails. towel bar falls off? liquid nails. contact paper lace trim won’t stay on the cabinets (no, seriously)? liquid nails. sliding closet door top roller broke off? liquid nails (which meant that we had to replace it since it didn’t roll anymore). Sliding glass basement door opens on both sides? liquid nails (also not the brightest idea). Carpet seam coming up? liquid nails. But I digress, that’s the inside…

    Onto the outside – she actually did alright with the gardening – We ONLY have shade (12′ wide townhouse w/ giant maple and cherry tree in east-facing front and 6′ privacy stockade fence in the west-facing back so no sun). I have LOTS of hostas and grape hyacinth, evergreen azaleas, and spring tulip bulbs and I annually plant impatiens which bloom all summer. In the back, I did it myself since there was only slippery moss back there. I have raised beds with shade roses, more hostas and as many shade bulbs and I could get my hands on plus a formerly potted gift hydrangia (this does get about 2 hours of sun). I use to find and order shade plants (their color in the shade garden kit is pretty cool). I also have a midatlantic gardening book that has a lot of detail and I check it before I buy anything. Look up your hardiness zone (I’m on the cusp of 6 and 7 so a lot grows here) and find a book that can help you.

    You are my hero. Seriously, I’m going to pick your brain. Thank you.

  58. On September 1st, 2009 at 7:51 am Karin Says:

    also, I pull weeds so I don’t pull out my hair when the kids get under my skin.

    It works wonders, doesn’t it?

  59. On September 1st, 2009 at 7:24 pm leanne Says:

    I am so late to this party. I about died when I read about the plastic flowers. Holy. Crap.

    I’ve been told previous owners of my house tore out lots of pretty bushes and trees (apparently, one woman was terrified that people would hide in the bushes). We have very little. In the back… one lilac, a few peonies (which a neighbor gifted me — yay!), a burning bush, and a hosta. In the front… well, there’s more, but it’s really, really sad looking. My lawn needs a makeover!!!

    I’ll happily regift you the awesomesauce bushes I pull out. I don’t know what they are, but, you know, they’re…um…green.

    For now! *cackles*

  60. On September 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am Angie the Anti-Theist Says:

    Becky! Put down the chainsaw!!!

    It’s called a tree service. You pay them, the men in the truck come to your house, the cut down your trees, put them into a big chipper (fun for kids to watch at a safe distance!) and then THEY GO AWAY.

    Seriously Becky – once you cut down these big bushes and trees, then what? Will they fit in your trash can? Will the city come get them? Will you have to tie them in neat bundles of no matter than two feet in length????

    I’ll change my own tire and my own oil; I am not replacing the engine. They have people you can pay for that.

    *** I am totally stealing your belt buckle idea, only mine will be my own superhero logo πŸ™‚

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