Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Got Your Waldo Right Here, Baby


Where's Waldo?

Now admit it, Internet, you thought one of two things when you saw this picture of me in my Emo Glasses.

Either you looked frantically around for the red and white striped sweater and stupid beanie penis-shaped hat.


You expected the picture to come to life and pull out a guitar from some behind the bookcase and a hidden book of beat poetry. Then you expected it to sing a song about feelings, comparing feelings to a) flowers b) colors c) something completely incongruent, like ketchup.

Whatever you expected, there you have it. A picture of me, circa 2005, taken by this adorable moppet:


with a camera that had seen it’s better days. We returned from our honeymoon, only to download the pictures and notice that it appeared as though the lens had been smeared thickly with Vasoline for every. single. shot we’d taken.

Even the one like this:


showcasing both my awesome cornrows and my floppy, saggy boobies (it actually was the dress)(like I would lie about that)(seriously, I would tell you about my pooper and lie about my saggy boobies? As if.) that appears to have been taken underwater.

(and I realize that I look mighty dour to be on my honeymoon in beautiful St. Lucia, but I wasn’t unhappy, just very, very ill. Like, I should have stayed at home in bed ill. Plenty of sleep and antibiotics when you’re dead, right?)(right)

And I’ll round out an entry about absolutely nothing with a shot of my daughter, whom I alternately call “Doctor Love” or “Twinkle Toes.” Okay, now that is a total lie, because I call her “Goo” but that’s okay because she’s wearing shoes that I would give my left testicle for if I had such a thing:


Dear Shoe Manufacturers,

Please make shoes like this in my size.

And for shits and giggles and to present further proof that I am not only certifiable but also nuts, there is this,

Peekachoo Among The Orchids

My cat among the orchids.


And let me congratulate my friend, Mrs. Soup (that stinking hippie who took me to see Dave Matthews Band) for winning the contest, Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff!

In second place, I have Aunt Becky Does the Dirty South from my friend Amy D!

And in third, NOBODY puts Aunt Becky in a Corner! (now, more fitting than ever).

Winners, please send me your addresses to


68 Comments to

“I Got Your Waldo Right Here, Baby”

  1. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:20 am Libby Says:

    Do you still wear your hair like that? It looks HAWT!

    Oh GOD no. Only in the Caribbean.

  2. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:42 am Lannie Says:

    OMG, you look cute in them. Kinda emo yeah, but with a smile like that you can totally take them on and make them awesome.
    I thought they’d be totally horrid after your tale of woe, but no! 😉

    (also, you look totally like my ex collegue Caroline this way, and she’s awesome, so no qualms there either ;))

  3. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:55 am Belle Says:

    I thought this was a picture of my art teacher from high school and thought, YOU KNOW HER!? 🙂


  4. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:09 am Cute~Ella Says:

    Dudette! I had the same glasses in a pale green color. They’re not Emo…they’re adorable 🙂

    And so are the kiddos. Love those shoes.

    I need those shoes in my size.

  5. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:10 am Sam Says:

    Those are wire-rimmed glasses right? I mean, you’re safe with wire-rimmed. Now, if you go the route of the knock-off designer glasses on something that rhymes with Flea-Bay (we’ll just say) and get plastic frames, well THEN you’d have no excuse for not hiding under an extra large burqua. NOT that I’d know anything about knock-off Flea-Bay designer plastic frames. Nope. I wear contacts until you pry them off my cold dead eyeballs. Just sayin’. You rock the wire frames Aunt Becky.


  6. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:11 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Sorry, but those are not Lisa Loeb glasses, at least from my recollection of her.

    However, the photo of Goo is awesome, so I forgive you.

    Goo rules.

  7. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:12 am Vinomom Says:

    I don’t think you look that Emo…but I don’t know what exactly EMO is supposed to look like anyways. If I saw you on the street I wouldn’t be like: “Look Lady H theres an Emo!”

    Hm. Ironic t-shirts, those hats Justin Timberlake wears, skinny jeans, guyliner. I’d need to think more on it.

  8. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:13 am Aunt Juicebox Says:

    Congrats to the weiners!

    Corn rows? OMG Awesome. I’ve wanted dreads for a long time but my family threatens to lock me in the closet if I try such a thing.

    We should do it together!

  9. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:13 am sharon Says:

    i agree – the metal frames mean not so Emo – plastic, yes please!

    & yay for 3rd!!! thx 4 hosting such a rad contest!


    I’m glad that you had fun! I should get the stuff mailed out soon!

  10. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:32 am Inna Says:

    Congrats winners! And Aunt Becky, you run some amazing contests.

    As for the glasses, those are cute, yo! What you talking about? I’ll try to find some pictures of my hideousness… 🙂

    I require pictures.

  11. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:32 am Nicole Says:

    HOLY CRAP! I’m Emo and I didn’t even know it! Here I was thinking I was all cute and trendy with my big, black frames . . . one more thing that has my kids fast-tracking to therapy.

    And corn rows? Um . . . oh, my. I got nothing.

    Love the shoes and the baby modeling them . . . the thighs! Oh how I wish that look was cute on a 31-year-old.

    Those Thunder Thighs are a replica of my own and sadly you’re right, they look WAY better on a baby.

  12. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:35 am cara Says:

    Don’t you just love the photos your kids take?

    I think the vasaline effect is from the salt in the air. We ended up buying a new camera after a vacation in Puerta Vallarta.

    I think emo came along right after I left hs, I never really “got” it.

    I bet you’re right! I never thought of that. Hm.

  13. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Hey. Those glasses are so far from suck I can’t even tell you.

    Well, thank you. Maybe it’s a good picture of them.

  14. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:06 am C @ Kid Things Says:

    As soon as I saw the shiny shoes, Ben Stiller from Dodgeball popped in my head. “No one can resist White Goodman when he puts on his shiny shoes.” Although your daughter is MUCH CUTER than Ben Stiller.

  15. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:19 am honeywine Says:

    Corn rows? NO words… ROFL But, hey, ummm, you rocked it.

    Dude, I was HOT.

  16. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am Kori Says:

    I was actually htinking holy jesus you are so young! And I actually like the glasses, so that tells you what a complete and utter dork I am. What are you gonna do, right? Embrace the dorkiness.

    Oh, I do. Every night when he comes home 😉

  17. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:29 am highlyirritable Says:

    …still waiting with my guitar in hand for the ode to hotdog condiments to start…

    This is the beatnik poetry reading/folk song meeting place, right?

    I love you like the soft blue violet summer rain.

  18. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:33 am Shannon Says:

    Your cornrows are smokin’. Gotta get ’em. Well, I can’t. I’ve just got the worst hair cut EVER. Not enough to cornrow.

    You got bad glasses. I got a bad hair cut. Put us together and you’ve got a chick with a reverse-she-mullet with emo glasses who wouldn’t be able to get a date unless she went to a dork convention. *sob*

    Guys would line up there to date us, though.

  19. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:35 am Jacquie Says:

    Love the specs, the hot nerd -slash- beat poet look is totally working for you!

    Maybe we should get the BAND back together, man.

  20. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:39 am Nel Says:

    If you think those are emo glasses, you should say Belle’s! Bwaaahahahahaha!!!!!!

    Those cornrows are the most incredible things I have ever seen. Seriously.

    You’re just jealous of my fabulous cornrows.

  21. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:45 am andy Says:

    Great picture of you!!!! Thanks for sharing!

  22. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:45 am andy Says:

    oh, and even though I didn’t win, you are welcome to come north and visit any time!

    I think I will take you up on that offer. Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

  23. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:53 am Leah Says:

    The glasses don’t look emo at all (& having years’ experience working at Hot Topic, I’d know)(Hey, I was a teenager & I had pink hair)(Ok, I still have pink hair, but now it’s more condensed to a few strands) Your glasses could have been worse becau–HOLY MOTHER! Cornrows?! WHY!?

    Because I was AWESOME. Yeah, you read that right. AWESOME. Cornrows were AWESOME.

  24. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:00 am Mama Cas Says:

    They’re really not that bad.

  25. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am Leadia Jarvis Says:

    Hmmmm…had I known of your saggy boobs I would have invited you along on our journey to Six Flags – birds of a feather and all 😉

    And I would have whipped you in the face with them when I busted out my rockin’ version of The Sprinkler.

    You would have liked it.

  26. On September 16th, 2009 at 10:18 am Lu ~ @masmom Says:

    Whatever you are totally hot in glasses or a make-my-boobs-saggy-why-am-I-wearing-this-dress dress.

    That dress was the Gift Shop From Hell Because The Airline Lost My Luggage Dress and it was UGLY as HELL.

    And now I want to make out with you.

  27. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:21 am Mrs Soup Says:

    I’d like to take a minute to thank the Academy for this award. And for all those little people that made such an amazing ladder to the top. To my manager, for killing those other people that were suppose to get this part….

    Wait, what?

    I didn’t get an Oscar?

    You mean I got dressed up in this stolen Oscar de la Renta gown for nothing?


    It’s a swag bag for my blog post on taking you to DMB?

    Well crap.

    Ignore the above!

    Dude, thanks yo!! I’m totally excited! You are the most awesomest ever!!! Now, to really get you to visit!

    Hells to the YEAH.

  28. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:36 am Soxy Deb Says:

    Wow. You are hard on yourself. I think you look adorable with those glasses. Honest.

    Congrats to the weiners!!

    Do those shoes come in chocolate?

    Now you’re just being nice to me so that I put up more awesome awful pictures of me for you to laugh at.

    I approve wildly of your efforts.

  29. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:53 am daisybv2 Says:

    Love the Glasses Yo, and the hair do and the saggy boobies caused by the dress…. and Goo’s shoes and the pics cause the are a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e!

    Why thank you!

  30. On September 16th, 2009 at 10:00 am toywithme Says:

    OMG – I want Goo’s shoes too! I most likely won’t eat them, but hey, I’m not teething so it would be totally inappropriate for me to do that.

    I really, REALLY hope that you’re not teething.

  31. On September 16th, 2009 at 10:06 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I was expecting thick black lenses. I don’t know why but they are what comes to mind with I think emo.

    But yeah, I was expecting to see you whip out a guitar.

    You should REALLY be thankful that I didn’t. *shudder, shudder* I am NOT a musician.

  32. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Any post with kitties and babies is pretty much a winner in my book.

    And I actually think your glasses are cute. There. I said it.


    You are a kind, blind person.

  33. On September 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am Paula Says:

    Finally, Aunt Becky! Finally I’m up to date with your posts and I think I can comment without feeling that I’ll probably ask something that’s already been answered. So, for that, I send you all greetings, love and french kisses from Argentina.
    PPS: You totally NOT look like Waldo.

    Wilma? Do I look like Wilma? Wasn’t that her name? Wasn’t there a Waldo and his female friend was Wilma? Or was I hallucinating again? Shit, I don’t know anything.

  34. On September 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am Beautiful Mess Says:

    Love the pictures! the second one mostly, because I can see BOOBIES! I loves me some boobies! If the shoe peeps call ya, will you kindly as them to make ME a pair. I want a pair of cute sexy silver shoes!

    Congrats to all the winners!

    Boobies rule.

  35. On September 16th, 2009 at 11:41 am Heather Says:

    I amend my comment yesterday…those are NOT BC glasses. I concur that you should have a trustworthy friend assist you on your next glass seeking expedition though. Hold on…I imagine any and all of your friends would set you up with glasses like that. 😉
    My daughter has a pair a shoes that look somewhat like the ones Goo is wearing…they look like knock-off tin foil Converse that she picked up in Mexico for $5, let me know your size and when I go again in Nov. I am going to get you a pair. Just because I love you so.
    Speaking of my upcoming trip…I noticed the other day that our flight leaves at 6 a.m…and I had horrible flashbacks of your honeymoon trip. I have crappy luck like you do…
    Which mean I am officially SCREWED.

    NOOOOO! No craptastic trips! I really hope that you are wrong. And if you’re right, I hope that there are lots of free drink coupons.

    And please, PLEASE, pick me up some shoes! I will be your BFF. FOREVER. LIKE IT OR NOT.

  36. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Hope Says:

    This has been the Seinfeld of posts today: a blog post about nothing!

    And some days? That is all that you need.

  37. On September 16th, 2009 at 11:46 am COURTENAY Says:

    You share my love for awesome kids shoes, and my hatred for the manufacturers who do not make them in big girl sizes. Also? Goo? Best baby name EVER.

    She’ll need therapy anyway, right?

  38. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:06 pm kbrients Says:

    Congratulations To the winners!! Mrs. Soups could not be topped– I mean really? Dave Mathews Band? I would give her something for taking me too!

    And what? Please tell me that is not the little one sitting up by herself? Not possible.

    (I know. I KNOW. WHAT? She was JUST a fetus!)

  39. On September 16th, 2009 at 12:12 pm Sheya Says:

    Where are the shoes from? My baby is about the same age and she NEEDS a pair.

    Why are Emo kids so good at karate?
    Because they all have white belts

    why are Emo guys so good in bed?
    Because they all have 12 inchers. (records) (get it?)


    Bwahahahahaha! Loves it!

    The shoes are from Baby Gap and I want Gap to sell them in a Woman’s Size 8, please. Gap, are you listening? PLEASE?

  40. On September 16th, 2009 at 1:11 pm Suzy Voices Says:

    The glasses aren’t bad! I was expecting something way dorkier. And you are totally rockin’ the cornrows and not-saggy-they-just-look-saggy boobs.

    Seriously the least flattering dress on the planet. AND it cost a fortune because it was in the overpriced gift shop. But I had to buy it because I had nothing to wear. Fucking luggage.

  41. On September 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm kyslp Says:

    I yearned for cornrows as a child. I just knew that they would transform me into a 10. My mom gave me a Lilt home perm instead.

    I lurve those shoes. How to you have time for Blog-Awesomeness with those thighs nom on?

    SOMEONE, I won’t name names (AMELIA) doesn’t like to SIT STILL anymore for her mother to nom nom nom as much as she’d like. But rest assured, those thighs are eaten like wee chicken bones. nom nom nom.

  42. On September 16th, 2009 at 3:34 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Saggy boobs or not, you are smokin’.

    It’s the cornrows.

    Dude. I was ghetto-fab.

  43. On September 16th, 2009 at 2:36 pm Kristin Says:

    If those glasses are Emo, you make a mighty cute Emo chick.

    Corn rows, bwahahahaha!

    I WANT shoes like those too!

    We need to meet shoe designers STAT. I sense an untapped market of potential!

  44. On September 16th, 2009 at 2:53 pm Katrina Says:

    Dude, those are waaay less emo than I expected. I was thinking thick plastic frames at the very least. Like mine:

  45. On September 16th, 2009 at 4:44 pm Betty M Says:

    Arrgh – you know you aren’t being picked up by my googl.e reader anymore – what happened?

    (!!!!) I don’t know (!!!) I’ll send Captain Daver to the rescue!

  46. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:00 pm Rick Says:

    The glasses are ok, but the cornrows rock. BRING BACK THE CORNROWS!

    Sadly, I’m pretty sure the white girl with the cornrows is a look that will never quite catch on.

  47. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:16 pm swirl girl Says:

    My shoes taste like shit…oh wait, maybe that’s because i stepped in it.


  48. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:35 pm Krissa Says:

    MOM! MOM! I found Waldo and he has cornrows and floppy boobies! 😉
    You are too funny, girl, and Goo is too adorable!

    AND you found the sparkly shoes! Weren’t there always like other things to find as well? I didn’t have the books because my mother thought they were a waste of money.

  49. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:37 pm DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    You let some island woman yank on your hair for three hours to put those cornrows in while you were feverish and exhausted? Musta been on some excellent meds.

    The glasses aren’t terrible. There is an English Teacher air about them, but I was expecting them to be really over-styled, like something someone in Kraftwerk would wear.

    The cornrows weren’t as bad as the 4 foot long pink extensions I had put in another year. Oh, yes. I did. I need a scanner. OH, I do.

  50. On September 16th, 2009 at 6:45 pm Becca Says:

    The glasses are outstanding, but the cornrows are what really do it for me. 🙂

    You know you want me. EVERYONE loves my cornrows. And man, those things were AWFUL to sleep on.

    I’ll blame it on being sick and feverish and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But shit, I don’t know. I am AWFULLY white.

  51. On September 16th, 2009 at 7:46 pm a Says:

    I think the glasses are fine…not great, but not awful. I too was picturing black plastic. But really, who notices what you look like – you have the cutest accessory ever with her little silver shoes!

    This is what I tell myself as I sport the 60+ baby pounds (still) *hangs head sadly*

  52. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm Lea Says:

    Those aren’t nearly dorky enough to be emo. They’d need to be plastic at least. And glasses never look as terrible when the person wearing them is smiling! 🙂

    If you happen to come across 2 pairs of Goo’s wicked cool shoes in a size 8, I would happily arrange an exchange for a pair of black plastic emo glasses with skulls. Seriously.

    I heart cornrows. Just not on my big round head.

    And I also heart your kitty. Looks like mine, only more normal cat-sized!

    Peekachoo is a love. Honestly. He pets you to express how much he loves you. Shelter cats rule.

  53. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:17 pm Anna See Says:

    I think you look cute!

    Sick on your honeymoon? I was, too. The flu on a cruise. I could just sleep in our tiny room watching the Jon-Benet Ramsey case unfold on the tv. Total honeymoon bar tab? $3 for a diet Coke.

  54. On September 16th, 2009 at 8:42 pm Katy Says:

    those glasses aren’t too shabby. they are similar to mine. i think they’re just what super-cool people wear. yeah…
    i have no words for those saggy boobs. like, that has to be photoshopped. google image search “bubbles devere” and you will know what popped into my head when i saw those. just so you know, i don’t think you look like that (some colorful similes: thighs like bag full of nickles; belly like a can of popped biscuits; ass like two cats fighting in a toe-sack). just the boobs look like they could reach your knees. and those cornrows? INTENSE. like camping (get it? in-tense=in-tents?)

  55. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:32 pm Venti Vixen Says:

    Your cornrows rock the party.

    The kids? Too stinking cute!

  56. On September 16th, 2009 at 9:32 pm lettergirl Says:

    You’re actually rather adorable as an Emo. Don’t cut yourself.

    I am far too cheerful and shockingly well adjusted for that.

  57. On September 16th, 2009 at 10:01 pm kara Says:

    I don’t know if these are close enough, but they seem similar to meeeeeeeeee

    I really enjoy reading your witty banter, and uh, yeah.

    Oooh! Purdy.

  58. On September 17th, 2009 at 1:02 am Kate Says:

    My very first thought when I saw the picture of you was, “Holy shit, she looks like Karen!” Karen my sister-in-law, btw, not to be confused with Karen my best friend or Karen my kids’ pediatrician’s nurse or Karen the geneticist’s nurse. 🙂

    I like your random-about-nothing-in-particular post, btw. Kind of a fun change from the usual around here!

    Sometimes being random is just Rock Music.

  59. On September 17th, 2009 at 5:28 am birdpress Says:

    Who knew that cats and orchids could peacefully coexist? That wouldn’t happen in my house. They’d never remain so perfectly balanced and unbothered. Neither would the orchids. 😉

    You do look cute in the pics. You remind me of someone I used to know, and I bet you get that a lot! Congrats to the winners!

    People say it CONSTANTLY. I always ask if it was someone devastatingly handsome that I remind them of, and they kind of laugh uncomfortably and walk away mumbling.

  60. On September 17th, 2009 at 5:52 am MoranChick Says:

    Goodness knows I am no emo chick, and the mere mention of the “emo” phenomenon has been known to send me into paroxysms of rantyness, but that said …

    *small voice*

    I think your emo glasses are adorable, Aunt Becky. (I also think Katrina’s glasses in the post way above are adorable. I have a thing for dark plastic frames. Just not emo-ness.)

    And the shoes are AWESOME! Everyone should have shoes like that. Last year, someone at work brought in her baby (probably Amelia’s age), and she was wearing sparkly silver little Mary Janes, and while outwardly I was commenting on the cuteness of said baby, inwardly I was all “I COVET YOUR SHOES.”

    THAT’S WHAT I WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE OUT! People were all “cute baby!” And I was all, “hmph! *I* want her SHOES!”

    I am HIGHLY mature.

  61. On September 17th, 2009 at 7:19 am Dot Says:

    It’s always fun to see more of you. I barely have an image of what you look like. And any kid pictures are great — these are adorable.

    I found a picture of Ben’s toes and nearly wept. They’re so, so small. And now they’re so…big. What happened?

    I HAVE ALLERGIES! *sniff*

  62. On September 17th, 2009 at 1:16 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    You don’t look terrible in the glasses, but it’s really funny that they’re tinted.

  63. On September 17th, 2009 at 6:27 pm Kendra Says:

    The hair honestly does make me laugh. But not in an “at you” kind of way, more “with you,” because I should see if I can find a picture of myself in my hair extensions. As I recall, they looked spectacularly awesome, but then I am forced to remind myself that for the months that I had those braids, I didn’t see a mirror for literally weeks at a time, and for much of that time, I had a staph infection on my face. So my hair may simply have been the least awful thing about me. (That story made it sound like I think you look hideous. Not the case at all; you look terrific, even if you should have been in bed!)

    And I relish those shoes and those thighs. I bet I could find those shoes in my size, but unfortunately it would be accompanied by her thighs, and they’re just not cute after a certain age. Instead, I’ll pretend my legs are hot and I’ll nibble on the baby’s.

    My thighs look like hers too and they really ARE cuter on her.

  64. On September 18th, 2009 at 5:46 am MK Says:

    NICE cornrows! And? I had saggy fun bags (the dress didn’t do it to me). No more!

    your kid makes me smile.

  65. On September 18th, 2009 at 10:51 am Sheya Says:

    Whats the difference between emo grass and regular grass?

    Emo grass cuts itself.

  66. On September 21st, 2009 at 2:19 am panamahat Says:

    I quite like you in the emo glasses. Is that wrong??

  67. On September 25th, 2009 at 8:01 pm Becky Says:

    They say we are always hardest on ourselves. Having said that, I think you look cute/adorable/hawt/beautiful/awesome (you pick) in the glasses. You are totally rockin’ them.

  68. On October 8th, 2009 at 11:31 am Tim Says:

    Thanks for the awesome post, it helped me out a lot.

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