Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I (Don’t) Want To Sex You Up.


Many years ago, I had very few female friends, and with what I would call good reason. Teenage girls are mainly assholes in designer clothing, who would think nothing of stabbing you in the back and blowing your boyfriend in the bathroom between first and second period while smiling sweetly at your face. Once I realized this, life became much easier.

I fell into a group of guys who I still lovingly refer to as The Metal Heads ™, and spent most of my free time with them (Man, I miss free time). My social life then consisted of sneaking off campus to smoke and eat a dozen soft shell tacos, watching terrible slasher movies, and listening to Tool’s ‘Opiate’ on repeat.

The hormones eventually kicked in, and these guys decided to find themselves girlfriends, to alleviate the horniness known only to teenagers. This presented no problem to me in theory (like Communism) until I realized that the addition of women would lead to complications in our friendships. And not on my end.

These girls were either insecure because their parents didn’t love them enough, or because they sensed that I was somehow their competition. Which was not even remotely the case. Because I cannot go back in time to correct their perceptions of me, I am publicly declaring to The Internet At Large that I had no desire to sleep with these guys. I still don’t. And truth be told, had I wanted to do this, I would have. Teenage boys are not known for their discriminatory tastes, instead preferring to stick it in anything (preferably not a couch cushion or sock), so believe me when I tell you that if I had wanted them to stick it in me, they would have. Happily.

Thankfully for my STD count (or really, my Other Count. You know, the People You Have Slept With Count?), however, I did have discriminatory tastes. I also (in a fit of complete clarity that even I cannot believe I exhibited as a teen) realized that sex would, in fact, complicate matters of personal friendships, and in knowing this, made a vow to myself never to allow my horniness to cloud my judgment. I would never, ever sleep with a friend. Even if I were horny enough to think that dry humping a pillow was a good idea. Period.

In not knowing this about me, though, these girlfriends were overtaken by incredible jealousy, that can only be sprung out of insecurity. It didn’t matter even a little bit if I had a boyfriend of my own, all these girls could focus on is my relationship with their boyfriends. The icy stares, the delibrete snubs, the protective ways they would touch their boyfriends while I was around, it was all the new normal dynamic when they would bring their women around. After awhile I got used to it.

It didn’t seem to matter that although The Metal Heads ™ and I would routinely send each other those school sponsored singing telegrams or carnations, the attached note would read something like “You suck” or “Your vag smells like tuna” with the occasional “To the only guy I know who can fuck a cheerio without breaking it” thrown in for good measure. All they could feel was their own seething jealousy that I might have something with their boyfriend that they did not. And it was true, while they had a physical relationship with them, I had a dynamic that one can only achieve in really great relationships or a friendship.

Thankfully, I am still friends with these guys 10-12 years later (three of them were in my wedding party), and they have moved on to date women who possibly can understand that mockery and insults don’t mean that they are having The Sexin’ with me. Maybe it’s that I’m happily married now, and am obviously posing less of a threat to their relationship. Or maybe it’s because we’ve all grown up a bit, and (most of us) are more secure in ourselves than we had been before.

But man, I really miss free time.

Am I the only one this has happened to? I swear to you on all that is holy that I although I routinely mocked the size of these guys packages, I did it without ever knowing what they really looked like underneath their clothes. For all I knew (and know), they could have Ken Doll underwear for privates or been hermaphrodites. It never came up in conversation, honestly.

C’mon, make your Aunt Becky feel better about herself.

posted under I Suck At Life
18 Comments to

“I (Don’t) Want To Sex You Up.”

  1. On January 14th, 2008 at 1:47 pm Ashley Says:

    Stop lying Becky. The only reason you befriended me in the 1st place is to try to steal the Metal Head I was dating at the time away from me. And the only reason I am still your friend today is to make sure you never have the SEX with him.

  2. On January 14th, 2008 at 1:48 pm Ashley Says:

    That was awesome.

  3. On January 14th, 2008 at 1:50 pm Tony Says:

    I had the opposite problem. I was a guy who was friends with lots and lots of women. this made any girlfriend I had *insane* (though most were that already). Made life more than a bit difficult.

  4. On January 14th, 2008 at 1:52 pm Manny Says:

    Well, for guys it’s different. There were only a very select few girls that I was able to maintain friendships with and not have thoughts of doing things to them that are illegal in 48 states. Now, since science has proven that women have a much smaller brain than men, it’s logical to deduce that most are not able to grasp the fact that there exist women that can in fact maintain a friendship with a guy and not be a penis holster. This would explain the overt bitchiness.

    That, or raging PMS. I can’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn’t die.

  5. On January 14th, 2008 at 2:09 pm Kim Says:

    i was one of you. lots of guy friends, select “girl” friends, and the girl friends of my guy friends, just did not understand!

    let them figure it out.

    I’ll write more later, work, danm work, they always want me to do something between 8 and 5…jeeesh one would think they are paying me or something! *bawahahahahahahaha*

  6. On January 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm Shay Says:

    You make me laugh!


    I miss my free time too! I actually forgot that I used to have free time…weird!

  7. On January 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm baseballmom Says:

    Yep, me too! I had a lot of guy friends…I just related to them better. I had a couple of good girl friends, but they, too, were friends with the guys. Lots of the little popular, insecure girls hated us for that! I remember sometimes my guy friends coming to pick me up and go cruising around, and hoping that the stoopid hoochies would see us together driving around, just go get their panties in a wad!

  8. On January 14th, 2008 at 4:28 pm Kristine Says:

    I think I’m just going to shut down my blog and redirect people here now. We may very well be the same person…except well, my friends weren’t metal heads.

  9. On January 14th, 2008 at 6:28 pm Bree Says:

    The image of you all sending Singing Telegrams with smutty messages, that warms my little heart. Although I was usually the student-council-asshat who was sitting there selling the Whatever-Grams, I would still have laughed myself silly if I had peeked at a message like that.

  10. On January 14th, 2008 at 8:36 pm Amy Says:

    I’ve always had more guy friends than girls. I’ve found that I have a lot less drama in my life that way. In high school I had the same issues… jealous girlfriends were always lurking around the corner hoping to catch me making out with their man only to find out that I had better things to do. Since I was always “one of the guys” I can’t say that I can see it from their point of view because I never really was a “girly girl”. I’d rather go out four wheeling and get covered in mud than dress up in designer clothes trying to get with every guy that walked by.

    I’m still friends with all the same guys (one was the best man in my wedding…and ironically I am married to one of them now…something I never in 1,000 years thought would happen).

  11. On January 14th, 2008 at 10:05 pm Juli Says:

    I got beaten up by a group of girls who accused me of sleeping with their boyfriends. I told them, “No – they talk to me, cuz I have a brain. Thye want sex with you, cuz that’s all they can get from a (I used THAT WORD).”

  12. On January 14th, 2008 at 10:05 pm Juli Says:

    (I should probably mention that was 28 years ago. I’m much more polite now. No shit.)

  13. On January 14th, 2008 at 10:10 pm Leslee Says:

    Ya know, I think I’ve written this exact same entry before. Except we didn’t listen to Opiate on repeat. It was Dark Side of the Moon or the soundtrack to The Crow. Ah… I miss my stoner days sometimes…

    But yeah. All the bitches hated me and the few girls that I did hang out with were just like me. Come to think of it, it’s still the same way. The fact that there looked to be only a few guys in the birthday shenanigan evidence is some kind of flook cuzz I seriously didn’t know I even knew that many girls. Most of the guys that were invited had shows that night cuzz they are living out the Metal Head dream.

  14. On January 14th, 2008 at 10:11 pm Leslee Says:

    Oh! And you should have seen the reaction when people saw that I looked like a girl for a change! I thought people were gonna shit their pants. Typically, I’m in a hat and a hoodie.

  15. On January 14th, 2008 at 11:44 pm Lindz Says:

    and you did it again..LMAO man I am gonna make this my tagline “To the only guy I know who can fuck a cheerio without breaking it”


  16. On January 15th, 2008 at 12:19 pm becky Says:

    Hahahahaha! Glad you liked it Lindz! You’ll be my hero if you put that as your tagline.

  17. On January 15th, 2008 at 2:53 pm Denise Says:

    OMG, another laugh out loud posting from you. We have some friends that we talk like that with, but jeez if we ever did that in front of “others” they would probably think we were swingers, etc.

  18. On January 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm Emily R Says:

    You know it had nothing to do with sex, right? For them, sex was a key to something deeper. And you had something deeper without the sex. They would have been less jealous if you had been sleeping with their boyfriends but had no friendship, I suspect.

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