Mommy Wants Vodka

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I Cast My Pixelated Heart On You.


The last time I was pregnant with a viable baby–Alex (a.k.a.The Deer Hunter)–I’ve mentioned that I worried a fair bit. But I think that “worried a bit” doesn’t quite do justice for how much I fucking worried. For someone who never worries about her kids after they’re born, I like to imagine I get my worrying out before they’re born.

Either that, or pregnancy makes me totally nuts (which is my story and I’m sticking to it. I’m quite frankly terrified of pregnant women. This makes it really hard when I am the pregnant one, as you can imagine. Who wants to be afraid of themselves?).

I’d gone into this last pregnancy with the singular stipulation that I wasn’t going to worry. Let go and let God. Thy will be done. Or whatever. Either way, I wasn’t going to waste valuable ‘eatin’ time’ worrying about my unborn fetus. Whether it lived or died, I wasn’t going to worry until I knew I needed to. How do you prepare yourself for a bad outcome anyway?

(Conversely, I’d gone into Alex’s pregnancy promising myself that I wouldn’t get as fat as I had with Ben. 60 pounds later–on a diet of egg whites and tofu–I’m still puzzling that one out. I’m starting to think that maybe I should go into these things without any sort of expectations. Seems futile).

And I did so well for a couple of weeks without worrying. I did so incredibly well. I all but ignored my pregnancy, choosing to focus on other such pressing issues as What I Am Craving At The Moment and How Nauseous Is Enough. I didn’t go in for early monitoring because, why bother? It’s going to stick or it’s not.

But somehow, when I saw that blob with a pixelated heart a-beating away in it’s chest, I started to really care. And when I really care, I really worry. Especially when the spotting continues like it did last night.

Thankfully, this morning has brought no blood AND a call from my doctor with the news that I have low progesterone. So, for the next 5-6 weeks, I will be shoving sexy little suppositories into my love hole. My hoo-haa. That should be AWESOME. I will be beating men away from me with sticks. STICKS, I tell you.

So, the State Of What’s Up Down There is now at a blissful peace. I can only hope it remains that way for the next 30 odd weeks.

And if (when?) this Sausagebryo is born, I shall ground him or her for scaring me so very much. I’m thinking for the next 16 years or so.

58 Comments to

“I Cast My Pixelated Heart On You.”

  1. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:24 am deb Says:

    yes – grounding – that sounds good. and may i say even though its just suppositories you hoo haa is seeing way more action than mine – what up with that??

  2. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:29 am Ames Says:

    A friend of mine is also taking the progesterone supplements and is doing just great now. I’m confident that this is going to stick for you this time. I just have a gut feeling that all will be well with you.

    *ps I always told my husband we were grounding our daughter for the first 5 years for the bed rest, the worrying, the NICU time and more worrying…somehow once she came home I just couldn’t stick to it when I looked at her sweet little face*

  3. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:41 am Katy Says:

    What does the low progesterone mean?

    I’m glad you are doing better and things are encouraging. You must ground this little dude/dudette for scaring you, though!

  4. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:44 am Kristine Says:

    Thinking of you! And your squishy vajayjay. Put on the old granny panties…

  5. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:45 am Kristine Says:

    Ummm…if saying I’m thinking about your vajayjay in any way suggests I have a girly crush on you…well…ummm…maybe I do *blush*

  6. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:48 am SciFi Dad Says:

    I’m glad the spotting stopped and you’ve got some information from the doctors about what’s going on.

    Could’ve done without the suppository part, though.

  7. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:55 am paisana Says:

    Dude, that progesterone is going to make you totally horny. Hope The Daver’s up for it!

  8. On June 18th, 2008 at 11:58 am Kristine Says:

    Thank god.

    I haven’t been like checking your site every chance I get or anything hoping for a good update, nope, not me, not a stalker. Yeah, no, I can’t look you in the eye and say that, I seem to have something in it…gotta go.

  9. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:05 pm Lindz Says:

    AYA HAY!

  10. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:07 pm Coco Says:

    I bled so much at 9 weeks that the ER doctor actually told me I was having a miscarriage and there was nothing he could do.

    Luckily, there was Bean on the ultrasound, with his booming little heart. The blood was from a small clot behind the developing placenta. Thank all that’s holy for the ultrasound tech. I loved her. I may have kissed her.

    The ER doc still sent me home with miscarriage paperwork. Do I still want to kill him? Yes I do, three years later, God help me. MY doctor told me not to stress. A strong heartbeat is HUGE news. Huge. And Sausage had one.

    The progesterone will help you along and I am sending you every sticky, sticky baby vibe I have.


  11. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:10 pm Brooke Says:

    I’m glad this morning has brought no blood! You’ll continue to be in my thoughts!

  12. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:11 pm kim Says:

    i’m really hopeful and happy for you, Becks

  13. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:17 pm Vered Says:

    I’m glad you can take something to help the pregnancy along, even if it won’t be exactly FUN to take it.

    I think it’s totally normal to become nuts while pregnant. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:23 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    I told Gabriel that I was taking away his allowance until he was 35!

    Glad no blood, and glad for progesterone.

  15. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:23 pm giggleblue Says:

    suppositories are fun! i’ve even heard that some women use those ones in the other hole. something about being less messy. less messy for what, i’m not sure.

    go get yourself a big box of panty liners my dear, cause you are going to need them for all the suppository goodness!

  16. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:32 pm Kristen Says:

    Still thinking of you Becky, Thinking, worrying and praying hard.

  17. On June 18th, 2008 at 12:58 pm Natalie Says:

    Low progesterone is an easy fix… YAY. Suppositories, not so fun, but easy enough. Thank goodness!!

  18. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:09 pm kalakly Says:

    You will get no teasing from me on the worrying front, I may even give you a run for your money on it. No matter how much we want to think we don’t care, you just can’t shut it off once you know there is a wee one trying to grow smakc dab in the middle of your very self.
    When this one is old enough maybe you can share the suppository story at a very inopportune time, like a 16th bday party or graduation, ala “here is what I did for you and now you want me to buy you a car too?????”
    hugs and lots of xxoo’s

  19. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:20 pm DD Says:

    Quit yer bitchn. Some doctors prescribe those bullets to be placed anally. I’m fairly sure they don’t make pantyliners to accomodate that.

    Of course, there’s always PIO. I’m a Pro with the PIO!

  20. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:21 pm Leslee Says:

    Oh my fucking crap. You better ground Sausagebryo for me, too. This is driving me nutty with worry. I can’t even begin to imagine what this is doing to you.


    Construction of the Chicken Bones For Waving begins tonight! o_O

  21. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:24 pm Marie Says:

    Hey paisana I want some progesterone!!!!! oh yeah..sorry Aunt Becky this supposed to be your comment, ok…I am very glad you have some info on what is going on. You sound like you feel a little better and for that I am glad too. If you can’t wait on the little one to get here for the ground just pick on one of your boys…;0

  22. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm Denise Says:

    I swear, we are long lost sisters. I just LOVED those suppositories. I thought they could only go in my love hole until the pharmacist mentioned I could put them in my exit hole too, you’d never seen a gal so excited to put something in there. It helped the lovely um, how do I say this, dis-ch-ar-ge immensely. It pissed me off to know end that I had to wear pads for the first three months of my pregnancies due to bleeding and then the damn suppositories. It fucking sucks, and I’m sorry to hear you are having to deal with it.

    Glad you got to see the heartbeat, that’s awesome.

    Mucho love and hugs to ya!

  23. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:40 pm Emily R Says:

    Low progesterone will do that to you. The supplements usually clear it up just fine.

  24. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:43 pm mandy Says:

    I am so glad to read things seem better.
    Have fun with the sups!

  25. On June 18th, 2008 at 1:48 pm Anjali Says:

    Glad the emotional torture is a bay, hopefully for the remainder of the pregnancy!

  26. On June 18th, 2008 at 2:01 pm tash Says:

    Yeah, I suffer from the low progesterone too. Lovely systems we have, eh?

  27. On June 18th, 2008 at 2:03 pm kate Says:

    yeah, not worry. right-o.

    good vibes your way.

  28. On June 18th, 2008 at 2:04 pm andria Says:

    Ah, the suppositories.

    Now I remember why I don’t want to have any more children.

    Seriously, though, they work great and everything should be fine once you start shoving those.

    Glad to hear SE is still there.

  29. On June 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm heather Says:

    Our kids can be indefinitely grounded together. These damn kids with their damn scares all the time!

    Don’t pretend like you don’t enjoy the suppositories. You KNOW you do.

  30. On June 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm Betty M Says:

    Glad to hear all is blissfully peaceful down below. Definitely in the non hoo ha place for the suppositories in my view.

  31. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:02 pm Lola Says:

    Jesus, lady. Here I am stressing over the last post, and now this hoo-ha info. I need a drink. That baby is going to be a terror, right from the beginning. I think you’ve got a girl on the way.

    Good luck stuffing. The cream they gave me to rub on my skin for being a massive mess of hormones made me horny as a teenage boy!!!! I can’t even imagine what happens with mainline pro. Should make for some interesting posts.

  32. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:19 pm Heather P. Says:

    You and baby are in my prayers.

  33. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm Heather Says:

    yaaaaaaaaay, progesterone! And no worries, there’s a permanent ass dent from all the time I spend on the crazy train during pregnancy. I thought all my problems were solved when the announcement came of a pregnant man, but sadly, no. Until then, happy plugging wherever you choose to do it. And run, Daver!

  34. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm Anita Says:

    Ah the wonderful gooey tablets shoved up the ol’ hooteruterus. So don’t miss those days.

  35. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:50 pm Dr. Grumbles Says:

    Come on, progesterone suppositories, do your job and do it well!

    Becky doesn’t need any more cause to worry!

  36. On June 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm Backpacking Dad Says:

    I am so hot for your pregnant, broken ankled, vomiting, suppositoried self right now I don’t even have the words. My wife is lucky I met her first.

  37. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:07 pm MommasTantrum Says:

    Oh man…those wonderful progesterone supposetories…those were the days. GAH!! I hope that you get some rest. I was also a freaked out pregnant woman…that is why I have one child. I would be in the looney bin had there been any more that had made it. Good LUCK and eat some cookies!

  38. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    I was always ultra-paranoid while pregnant. So I completely “get that.” You are totally justified, especially with your recent miscarriages.

    But I’m so happy that everything is o.k! ๐Ÿ™‚

  39. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:22 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    Ground away….

    I’m just glad the spotting has stopped.

  40. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:31 pm Jenn Says:

    16 years sounds about right. Glad things are looking up!

  41. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:37 pm baseballmom Says:

    God, I remember squishing my boobs every day to see if they still hurt. You and the sausage are gonna be okay, I can feel it!

  42. On June 18th, 2008 at 4:50 pm Shay Says:

    I vote for pregnant = crazy. Oh and fat. For me anyway. I’m pretty upbeat and normal otherwise but knock me up baby and…presto – freak of nature! (with the largest thighs and ass you’ve ever seen!)

    I pray this little one is just playing with you and you’ll hold a healthy happy screamer in a few months!
    Hugs and happy eating!

  43. On June 18th, 2008 at 5:20 pm chris Says:

    Who said “The Secret” doesn’t work…I’ve asked the Universe to make everything alright and I again I got my request. Great news Aunt Becky.

  44. On June 18th, 2008 at 5:29 pm A Soldier's Girl Says:

    This is good news!

    And I agree…some sort of restriction is definitely in order ๐Ÿ™‚

  45. On June 18th, 2008 at 6:32 pm M Says:

    Here from NCLM.

    First, I have to say that I love the way you write! You’re very entertaining!

    Second, I am very glad to read that the doctor was able to pinpoint the cause of the bleeding, and prescribe medication to stop it.

    I’m all for the grounding, too. Sasuagebryo definitely deserves some punishment for scaring you in that way! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  46. On June 18th, 2008 at 6:59 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Oh, at least 16 years, although I vote for 21. Glad to hear that the issue is fixable, even though the solution is, um, icky. And I can’t wait to read the mainline progesterone fueled posts. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  47. On June 18th, 2008 at 7:10 pm Jen Says:

    I, too, am shoving the suppositories into my Lady Business. Is good times.

    I’d say Sausagebryo has a lot of dish washing and laundry folding in his/her future! How dare the little thing worry you so much?!

  48. On June 18th, 2008 at 9:10 pm birdpress Says:

    I didn’t read all the comments, but I just finished reading the past few posts (haven’t been on in a while) and was like, “Oh no! … Oh, yay! … Oh, no! … Oh, thank God!” I’m really pulling for you, Becky!

  49. On June 18th, 2008 at 10:37 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    When you have the wedding collage with Paul Anka’s
    “The Times of Your Life” in the background, you can flash (literally) the attendees with this bit of “see what I did for you, Sausagebryo?”

    glad to hear things will mend …

  50. On June 19th, 2008 at 6:30 am Tricia Says:

    The more I tell myself not to worry…the more I worry. So instead I told myself…whatever insane crap came into my head was not only completely normal but expected.

    There is no right way…there is no better way. As much as I say I’m jealous of the innocence of some pregnant women…I still fear for the regrets they may have if they have a loss because their head is so far in the sand.

    Hang in there.

  51. On June 19th, 2008 at 8:34 am Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I leave you for a few days and you have this kind of scariness? Clearly this is a sign from the blogging gods that I need to stop organizing my life and get back on the internet – I am so glad to hear that you have no spotting this morning and that you got to see his/her heart beating! That is wonderful.

    Wish I could send you some of my extra progesterone (because I’m sure that’s what made me cry after some a-hole cut me off on the highway yesterday), but a cyber-hug will have to do.

  52. On June 19th, 2008 at 9:14 am Joann Says:

    I’m glad that you are doing well & baby is also.
    Hang in there. My PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU & YOUR FAMILY. Anyd please try not to stress to much…

  53. On June 19th, 2008 at 9:19 am Pepper Says:

    For my IVF cycle I get to do progesterone supplements at night AND shots in the morning. Don’t be jealous.

    May the sexy supps raise your levels beautifully

    Visiting from NCLM

  54. On June 19th, 2008 at 10:17 am Heather Says:

    I’ll be thinking of you. Hope everything goes well. {{Hugs}}

  55. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:23 pm Cheryl Says:

    “Let Go and Let God” is always a great mantra… but one of my personal favorites at the moment is:


    Instead of using “What if” statements in the negative… use “what if” statements in the positive. It make seem Pollyanna-ish, but since worry isn’t serving any purpose other than to make you feel bad, what can it hurt?

    What if you’re going to be just fine?

    What if this pregnancy will go to full term w/ no problems?

    What if you will only gain the weight you need to support your growing baby?

    What if it’s okay to be afraid?

    What if …. (insert your own personal thought here)?

    Hang in there mama! Pregnancy is hard on the body & the mind for a reason. You’re making a whole human being in that beautiful belly of yours. And yes, I’m one of THOSE women who think pregnancy is beautiful & wonderful.


    C ~

  56. On June 19th, 2008 at 1:44 pm kbreints Says:

    YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for the supositories of course… ๐Ÿ™‚

  57. On June 19th, 2008 at 7:33 pm Kymberli Says:

    Dontcha just luuuurve getting all friendly with yourself? Who wants naughty toys when you can have the oh so special suppositories.

    I am glad for you.

  58. On June 19th, 2008 at 8:27 pm andi Says:

    Oh man, Becky. You really have gone to hell and back with this whole pregnancy business. I’m crossing my fingers for a very uneventful rest of the pregnancy.

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