Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Can Haz Ativan?


Today is a landmark day for us at Casa de la Sausage. It is my husband, The Daver’s 30th birthday.

I give Dave an awfully hard time, really I do, like how I’ve called him Old Balls since we got together 5 years ago (he is, after all 2 years older than me), how I constantly feel the need to grab his ball-bag as he sits on the couch next to me, or how I scream out things like “Hey Dave, weren’t you out of DEPENDS?” or “Hey DAVE, didn’t you want that New Kids On The Block CD?” when we’re out in public.

(Hel-LO run-on sentence!)

But as anyone who truly knows me knows, the harder time I give you, the more I love you. It’d be my family mantra if having a family mantra or mission statement wasn’t the stupidest thing on the planet aside from perhaps The Wiggles. Which may be dumber.

So, Happy Birthday, The Daver.

I’d say something cornier, but I’m saving it up for our anniversary on Wednesday. Good idea, you, with putting our anniversary right near your birthday, ensuring that you will never forget the day that two became one. Yeah, that’s right. I used THE SPICE GIRLS to describe our WEDDING.



Also today, at 12:30 my son Ben will be “thinking good thoughts” for me as I go into my Big Scary Ultrasound. All by my lonesome. That’s the kicker at my OB’s office: you have to go through the first (i.e. frightening) part of it all alone (it’s policy, not because I bring an entourage with me).

My mother has been making fun of me (along with The Daver) for being so worried about this US (and the one’s I had with the other kids) and I think my friend Andria said it best when she told me yesterday something like with her third, she couldn’t believe that after two perfect little boys, that she’d be fortunate enough to have another healthy one.

I’m paraphrasing, perhaps badly, but the point is clear: like her, I don’t believe I’m lucky enough to have something good happen to me again.

Why? I have no idea. It’s sick and it’s stupid, and as yet another friend of mine, Carlynn, imparted yet another piece of wisdom onto me this weekend (they make me feel SMRT). She said, “”Why not be happy now? You can be sad later. If it’s necessary.”

They’re both right. And while I’m going to try my best to smile and appear like I’m not ready to chew off one or both of my arms, it’s gonna be hard.

Fake it ’til you make it, right?

Will you hold my hand, Internet?

42 Comments to

“I Can Haz Ativan?”

  1. On September 8th, 2008 at 9:47 am Andy (echaos) Says:

    Best of luck today… I’ll be sending you some good wholesome Canadian thought waves!

  2. On September 8th, 2008 at 9:47 am The Milk Maid Says:

    Hands warmed and unclammied just for YOU!

    And hey, i’m nawt sekond!

  3. On September 8th, 2008 at 9:48 am The Milk Maid Says:

    crap- i was too sekond!

  4. On September 8th, 2008 at 9:54 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Good luck today, Becky. I’m sure everything will go well, at least until the tech presses too hard on your full bladder and you accidentally pee on the table, of course.

  5. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:07 am Ms. Moon Says:

    The hand-holding has now commenced. Breathe.

  6. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am Karen Says:

    I am there with you Becky. You will fine.

    And happy B-day Daver.

  7. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:10 am Mrs.Spit Says:

    No Ativan. Sorry. But I will hold your hand. I’ll even hold my breath for you.

    Happy Birthday Daver!

  8. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:12 am kalakly Says:

    I’ll be with you in mind and spirit, I know THE FEAR, I hope you walk out with nothing but good news to share about our little McBecky:)

  9. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:13 am Marie Says:

    I will be wating here waiting the anouncement of the little patty I am sure off. Good luck today lady I am sure all will be wonderful.

  10. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:14 am Marie Says:

    my GOD that post was aweful. You get it though right?? I need more coffee. Here it is again…I will be here waiting on the anouncement of a baby GIRL.

  11. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:15 am Denise Says:

    Sending happy birthday wishes to the Old Balls in your house!

    And here’s a big hand for today for you!

  12. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:15 am deb Says:

    honey, i am the queen of faking it and as a fellow female you must at least be able to fake fakin it…
    sending all sorts of good thoughts your way that the sausage is simmering along nicely.

  13. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:16 am deb Says:

    and happy birhday OLD BALLS, er, Daver!

  14. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:21 am CLC Says:

    Good luck. Your friend is right. Why worry when there’s nothing to worry about (yet)? We can’t control anything anyway, so be happy for now. And I am hoping you are still happy later today.

  15. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:21 am foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    I do not know how what time zone you reside in in relation to me, but I will spend the time between 10:30 a.m. (soon for me!) and 2:30 p.m., sending good thoughts out to you, and plan to come back and hear good news!

    Happy bday to your Dave!

  16. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am Sara Says:

    I will hold your hand. What are “imaginary” friends for anyway!?

    Happy Birthday Daver. Ya old man!

  17. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:30 am Calliope Says:

    as I am sure there will be MANY people offering to hold your hand, I will be practical and hold your purse.
    It is going to be wonderful. I insist.
    Thinking of you already & beaming the universe instructions to take care of you.

  18. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:31 am trish Says:

    I guess this would be an inappropriate time to smear peanut butter on my hand before we commence hand holding, huh?

    Enjoy the eloquence of your other friends, ’cause all I can do is laugh and say, “Huh huh, she said balls.”

  19. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:32 am Honu-girl Says:

    Happy Birthday, old man Daver (who is, in fact, 5 years younger than me).

    And good positive calming thoughts heading your way. It will all work out.

  20. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:59 am kim Says:

    holding tight

  21. On September 8th, 2008 at 10:59 am Kristen Says:

    I am holding your hand and praying this morning Dear Aunt Becky. I get it, I so get it. But I love the advice to be happy while you can and be sad later if you have to. Very practical. Hard, but practical.
    Happy birthday to the Daver! And happy Anniversary for Wednesday as well, I am thinking I won’t be around to wish you that on Wednesday. I hope to be completely wrapped up in my baby boy.
    Love ya,

  22. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am Painted Maypole Says:

    holding your hand… you are probably on your way to the office right now…

    and happy birthday, the daver. my hubby is 9 years older than me, and I’m not nearly as hard on him. Well, usually. 😉

  23. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:02 am Kristine Says:

    Thinking good thoughts for you…also a little bewildered about the policy of aloneness.

  24. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:07 am Kyddryn Says:

    Happy birthday, Daver, and many happy returns!

    Meanwhile, Aunt Becky, I’m with you in spirit.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who really, truly does understand how you feel)

  25. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:24 am Danielle Says:

    *holding hand* Sending you lots of good juju today. Have a GREAT day and happy birthday Daver!

  26. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:25 am Valerie Says:

    Consider it done (virtual hand squeeze).

    and happy bday to the husband!

  27. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:38 am Rachel Says:

    I love the ‘Old Balls’ montage. I have a friend who told me that the dried apricots I was eating looked like old man balls. Did she seriously think that would make me stop eating them?

    Anyway, best of luck on the u/s! I’m sure you and the little processed meat product will be fine!

  28. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:45 am Daddy Files Says:

    Good luck, although you don’t need it because you’ll do just fine.

    And I love that you refer to your husband as Old Balls. Although I like the term Coin Purse a little better.

  29. On September 8th, 2008 at 11:51 am As American as Apple Pie Says:

    Happy Birthday The Daver!!!

    Best wishes to you Becky! I would have killed someone if they told me I wasn’t allowed to bring someone with me, especially after Liam.

  30. On September 8th, 2008 at 12:21 pm Vered - MomGrind Says:

    Happy birthday to Dave, and GOOD LUCK with the ultrasound!

  31. On September 8th, 2008 at 12:30 pm swirl girl Says:

    let us know how it goes…which I am sure you will and everything will be great!

    also- happy birthday Old Balls.

    that one made me snortle a little

  32. On September 8th, 2008 at 12:33 pm honeywine Says:

    Happy Birthday Daver! I hope you don’t lose the bet. Maybe… 🙂

    I see you pulled the same thing we did. Our anniversary is tomorrow, just 5 days before M.’s birthday.

  33. On September 8th, 2008 at 12:37 pm kbreints Says:

    It is 12:36– I am right there with you– holding your hand!! Shooting those love arrows!!

  34. On September 8th, 2008 at 12:38 pm Brooke Says:

    Best of luck today! I’ve been mentally holding your hand all morning. Can’t wait to hear the results!

    And happy birthday to The Daver!

  35. On September 8th, 2008 at 1:09 pm Amanda Says:

    Good luck and Happy Birthday to Dave!

  36. On September 8th, 2008 at 1:35 pm birdpress Says:

    Good luck! And happy birthday, Daver. I’m so excited for you; I hope you rush back here and write all about your healthy little sausage. I’ll keep checking back!

  37. On September 8th, 2008 at 1:50 pm Valerie Says:

    Boy or girl?? I must know! Also, I have been thinkin’ of you for the past hour+ sending good vibes. Have a great day to you and Daver!

  38. On September 8th, 2008 at 3:02 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    Did you feel the squeeze I sent? Here’s another one for you in case you didn’t. *SQUEEZE*

    Happy Birthday, Daver, you old man. Which, if 30 is old, then I’m heading towards ancient. 🙂

  39. On September 8th, 2008 at 3:16 pm Queen-sized funny bone Says:

    Everyone is hanging onto you tight by the hand with nothing but wonderful wishes. Happy birthday Dave. and woman leave that poor mans balls alone.

  40. On September 8th, 2008 at 7:06 pm Lola Says:

    Well, I’m late, as usual, so it sounds as if things went well and we’re having a girl. Just as I suspected. So, I’ll say happy birthday, Old Balls, and happy anniversary in case I forget.

  41. On September 8th, 2008 at 7:58 pm mandy Says:

    So so glad to know little baby is healthy. I bet you feel great, and you SHOULD! Pink? Did I hear someone say pink booties this time??

    I wish you well my sweet.

    miss you so

  42. On September 8th, 2008 at 8:03 pm Jenn Says:

    Hey you. Been thinking about you lots. (In the scraaaaaaaaape on your bathroom window at 1am kind of way.)
    Happy birthday to Dave!
    It is 100% normal to feel that way. My doctor told me that (in her experience) women who have had healthy kids are MORE likely to be worried about subsequent births than women who have not had healthy babies/pregnancies. Because the women who have had bad experiences think, “What are the odds something bad will happen AGAIN?!” and women who have had good experiences think, “I can’t get lucky ALL the time.”

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