Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I Bet SKYMALL Wouldn’t Have Betrayed Me.


Whenever I see my GP and am all, “Woah, my neck hurts,” he examines my neck and then jumps away, all unprofessional-like, swearing under his breath, “oh holy fuck. How are you even walking around?” I’d like to boast about giving “good spasms” but it seems a little counter-intuitive. Mostly because having chronic neck pain blows.

Unless you’re a fluffer, which I am, sadly, not.

I’ve tried everything from massage, which gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies, to chiropractic “adjustments” which made me feel like he was trying to snap my neck like a very sassy chicken bone, to physical therapy. I’ve done the tens unit (which I actually plan on buying), dry heat, moist heat, cold packs, more heat. Nothing lasts very long.

Mostly because that’s where I hold my stress. Turns out three kids + plus running two group blogs + plus freelancing + one cat that pees in the vents + no monkey butler + my fake dead cat, Mr Sprinkles (who gets up to the most amazing hijinks) = Why Mommy Drinks.

Last week, on our Friday night pilgrimage to The Target, I noted they had one of those weird massaging chairs on clearance. Those things remind me of waiting at the pharmacy AND those weird car seat rests with the little wooden balls – that ALWAYS pulled your hair when you moved – so I’ve never been a huge fan. I let it go in favor of some Twinkies.

This week, the chair massager was still there, and I was all, EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER as I bought it. I figured I’d give it to The Daver or The Guy On My Couch if it sucked (which it probably would) but that it was worth a try. So what if I don’t have “back pain?” MAYBE THIS WOULD FIX MY NECK.

Plus, it was on sale, and sales give me good spasms (high five for full-circle!).

Home I trotted, the chair massager neatly nestled among my “groceries*” all ready to try this shit out.

Now here is where I point out that not one, but two males, both close enough in age to me to be trusted, both of whom have watched me walk into walls after yelling, “The Internet Is Broken!” when our Comcast goes out, watched me WITHOUT STOPPING ME unpack the massager.

As I pulled the chair thingy, (which, unrelated, looks remarkably like a chair from an airplane – I think it even has a seat belt! I can PLAY AIRPLANE NOW!) out of its bag, and ripped off the tags, both Daver and The Guy on my Couch simply watched me set it up. They watched me plug it in. They even watched me sit on it and make weird faces.

Eventually, we settled down to watch some Sister Wives on Netflix, nestled up on the couch in my airplane chair. I turned the thing on and noted that it was massaging exactly one area of my back (incidentally not the area that hurt), and, if on the right setting, made a horrifying noise – sorta like I was being punched.

I assumed this was normal – maybe I bought a punching massage chair – and continued to use the airplane chair until I went to bed. Not even the knowledge that I’d had to turn up Sister Wives to ear-splitting polygamist volumes made me – or anyone else, for that matter – assume, hey, maybe (Aunt) Becky DID IT WRONG.

The following morning, I woke up, rolled over and moaned. The area of my back that the punching airplane chair had been working on was bruised. Like actually bruised, not just me trying to exaggerate for effect. I hobbled downstairs, glared in the general direction of the punching airplane chair and poured myself a cup of coffee. Daver and the kids had crossed the Cheese Curtain and ventured into the land of Wisconsin, leaving The Guy on the Couch and I to finish some “yard work”**.

Later that night, after a spectacularly exciting day spent on the couch, drooling, Daver returned with the kids. When they were firmly ensconced in their wee beds, Daver came back downstairs to shoot the shit.

“I love that massage chair,” he said to me.

“GOOD. I was going to take that asshole chair back – that thing is bullshit. My back is SUPER bruised…but I DO like pretending I’m on an airplane,” I replied.

“It works a lot better with that screw out,” he responded, like I had any fucking idea what he was talking about.

I stared, dumbly at him.

“You know, on the back, where there’s a gigantic sign that says, “REMOVE THIS SCREW BEFORE USE?” he prodded.

I stared back.

“It works a lot better without that screw,” he continued, starting to laugh.

I stared. He and The Guy on my Couch began giggling.

“Why the shitballs did you and Ben BOTH allow me to set that up? I can’t work the television remote.”

They began chortling.

“You guys are assholes,” I responded.

“Why didn’t you ASK FOR HELP?” they sputtered out, between giggles.

“Because you NORMALLY just DO it for me. Or you STOP me from doing that shit before I burn the house down. Remember that time I burned my bed with a heating pad? Yeah. THAT’S why I assume if things are complicated, someone else will do them for me.”

Tears of laughter now coursing down their cheeks, I stormed (shuffled) out of the room with as much dignity as I could muster.

I turned back to tell them to piss off, and promptly walked into the wall.

I’ll let you know when I find my dignity again.

*bacon and Marshmallow Fluff don’t exactly constitute “groceries.”

**Watch more Sister Wives and wonder how that guy gets so many chicks. Gotta admit, he’s got nice hair.


This would be an ad: Mama’s gotta get some vodka monies somewhere.

Wanna be less embarrassing than me? You totally do. You also wanna stop ruining your underwear and clothes during your period (oh, like you haven’t had it happen).

Adira Period Panties are pretty awesome – they’re leak-proof, skin friendly and comfy. They are also International Patent Pending but I don’t know what that means.

If’n you like (and you do) you can buy Adria Period Panties here. (I kinda hope they double as adult diapers) Shop before 17st May 2012 and get 10% Off with this weird code: BHB1604

18 Comments to

“I Bet SKYMALL Wouldn’t Have Betrayed Me.”

  1. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:13 pm Cindy Says:

    Story of my life! Except MY The Daver would be video taping the whole thing with his phone. The Facebook laugh fest would begin shortly after I hurt myself getting the screw out. Boys suck.

  2. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:16 pm CycleNinja Says:

    “…with as much dignity as I could muster.”

    As if science has developed a microscope that powerful…

  3. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:24 pm Krista R. Says:

    Thanks for the laugh! I’ve had those moments plenty of times.

  4. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:41 pm Melissa Says:

    Those period panties are pretty fugly. But I DO hate ruining at least 2 pairs of underwear a month.

  5. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:41 pm Tina A Says:

    Oh hairy effin monkey balls…I made the mistake of reading this in the dr office waiting room!!

  6. On April 16th, 2012 at 12:55 pm Fearless Fibro Warrior Says:

    Now, I want a fluffer-nutter sandwich (fluff, with peanut butter, only made better by the addition of a thin layer of Nutella). Possibly, bacon too?

  7. On April 16th, 2012 at 3:13 pm Neeroc Says:

    Oh that’s just mean! They’d totally be banned from the chair now that they’ve fixed it.

  8. On April 16th, 2012 at 4:10 pm C.B. Says:

    Ok women around the world should know about the Diva cup. It’s a revelation for all women who still have regular period. It’s like discovering Tempons…………but a million times better. Now Diva cup is the brand I use but they have different names around the world. Google it if you want your period to be as hassle free as possible.

  9. On April 16th, 2012 at 4:49 pm Grace Says:

    My friend told me I need to try the Diva Cup as well. I’m seriously thinking about it.

  10. On April 17th, 2012 at 10:03 am Melissa Says:

    I have seen those. They make me all barfy thinking about pulling it out, getting blood all over my hands and dumping the thing.

  11. On April 17th, 2012 at 6:50 pm Devan Says:

    I googled it, I am gonna go get me one! Sounds like a dream!

  12. On April 16th, 2012 at 4:55 pm katrina Says:

    Ha! You brighten my life Aunt Becky! so you got screwed by a fuckin chair….!! This morning on the national news, they had someone they called the “Queen of Mommy Bloggers”….I was excited for a minute……but as soon as i saw it wasn’t you, i got mad. Who decided she was the queen? Did she write this? Could she?…i think not.

  13. On April 17th, 2012 at 6:07 pm Devan Says:

    Was it Jen from “people I want to punch in the throat”? Dont hate, she has AB on her blog roll which is how I found this blog. 🙂

  14. On April 16th, 2012 at 10:53 pm Tracie Says:

    I was composing all sorts of exciting blog comments in my mind as I read about the screwy massager (and the Sister Wives, because I’m slightly obsessed with that show), but the period panties drove them all out of my mind. I can’t decide if the period panties scare me, or if I should buy ten pairs.

  15. On April 17th, 2012 at 11:46 am Mrs. One Day Says:

    Be sure and ask my husband about the webcam he got me that keeps falling off my computer and has a picture that looks like crap. He should have listened to me and gotten what I told him to get. Now I’m cursing this thing because I can’t work it and it’s all his fault! le sigh Why must everything be so hard?

  16. On April 17th, 2012 at 12:27 pm Brianna Says:

    Did anyone notice the period panties “last over 60 washes!”? Are they the new hair color of personal hygiene? Lasts 14 washes! Huzzah! Here I thought since they were (presumably) some sort of fabric, and vaguely constructed like my normal unders, they’d wash and wear like normal unders. But hey, toss away crotch-huggers actually sounds kinda nice… At least then I don’t have to point out holes that don’t exist in order to throw them away. LOL

  17. On April 17th, 2012 at 6:21 pm Devan Says:

    I would LOVE to own some of those period panties, but they are $20 (not bad) and then they want to charge $13 for shipping (BAD!!) – and the shipping time frame is 20 days! I am 100% sure that shipping a pair of panties to arrive in 20 days costs WAY less than $13!
    I do love you though, AB! Screw those guys!

  18. On April 20th, 2012 at 4:13 am whitney Says:

    Period Panties?? Now that sounds weird, but its better than staining my mattress again..I’m ordering myself my first pair.

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