Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Huffin’ And Puffin’ My Way To The Top


As I close down Week 2 of being pregnant and crippled–wait, is that a Lifetime movie? Because it totally should be–I find myself to be more and more empathetic toward the handicapped community. Which, considering I tend to have pretty non-existent sympathy/empathy/whichever one is better toward the majority of the population, is saying quite a bit.

I mean, I always got angry and perhaps occasionally called the police on cars illegally parked in the handicapped spaces. Or if I didn’t call the police, I’d shake my fist angrily AND menacingly at the offending car. Because how scary is that for that car?

But now Going Out has gone from “ooh! Maybe I’ll see something adorable I HAVE TO EAT at Target and buy it! Then EAT it!” to “Fuck, do I really have to leave?” And it’s not because it’s incredibly painful for me to walk, it’s a combination of other factors.

First, I look stupid. This I’m aware of. I go out, wearing this gigantic moon boot of doom, obviously pregnant, and lugging a 30 pound toddler–who is likely screaming in my face–through the store. I knew I looked stupid before I made 70% of the store patrons and staff stop and stare at me, but after making several small children cry (although that might have been because I told them that there was no Santa Claus after they called me a “retarded gimp”), I’m suddenly aware of how people who have real handicaps must feel on a daily basis.

Second, just because I am pregnant and crippled for the moment–and perhaps ugly for the rest of my life–doesn’t mean I am stupid. I mean, okay, okay, I’m kind of stupid, and perhaps even emotionally crippled but really, my IQ is not in the low 30’s. I don’t think. But people see a huge boot on a person and assume that I must be one of those Special People bussed in from an institution on my Big Day Out. Where the toddler and 7 year old with me come from is anyone’s guess.

They occasionally cluck sympathetically, raise their voices to speak to me slowly and loudly in small sentences, “Aaaarrreeee yooooouuuu reeeeaaadddyyy tooooo cccchhheeecckkk ooouutt?” I may look stupid, people, but I assure you that my mental facilities are as intact as they were before I injured my foot. Take that to mean whatever you’d like it to.

And my least favorite of the people that I come across on my brief ventures out into the Real World are the ones that walk behind me impatiently as I gimp along, muttering about how slow I am, practically touching my ass with their crotch, grumbling the whole way along. While I can relate that being frustrated by being behind someone slow is annoying, what I cannot understand is why on Earth they don’t go around me in the miles of space to my left. Slower traffic keep right, and all.

But then, just as I’m accepting that the person behind me really would like to be my hemorrhoid (mental picture is awesome), the minute I head toward a checkout, they speedily zip around me, practically knocking me over to get in front of me. Being slow at walking does not mean I’m slow at getting checked out.

Now, normally I let most anyone with less items go ahead of me, but now that my foot makes me gimpified, I honestly want to do nothing more than get the hell outta there so I can ice that puppy down. I’ll still let people with a couple of items in front of me, but the people who speedily zip past me ruthlessly cut in front of me always seem to be doing one of a couple things:

a) trying to write a check without proper identification (i.e. driver’s license)

b) trying to get the cashier to okay 4,595 expired coupons

c) arguing over a 2 cent price difference between “marked on shelf” cost and rung up cost

d) trying to use a declined credit card by arguing with the bored looking cashier

e) baffling the hell out of the cashier by whipping out food stamps

And I stand there, behind them, chanting “serenity now, serenity now” in my head as Alex attempts to scramble out the cart, shrieks when I dare detain him, as my foot throbs merrily.

I tell you, this whole “being injured” thing is getting more and more annoying. Especially since I have neither good drugs nor a handicapped sticker for my car. Perhaps I’ll get a cane and whack people with it just to make me feel better.

Misery loves company and all that, right?

49 Comments to

“Huffin’ And Puffin’ My Way To The Top”

  1. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm Cricket Says:

    You paint such a beautiful picture of pregnancy, I almost…nah.

    Hang in there, sweets.

  2. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:03 pm Rachel Says:

    I am really sorry you’re having a hard time. It sucks to be pregnant and on injured reserve. I don’t even have a witticism for you, just sympathy.

  3. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm kbrients Says:

    oh girl… you are kinda sad…. that imagine make me laugh though! Serenity know…. 😉

    How long are you going to have to wear that thing anyway?

  4. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:13 pm birdpress Says:

    You know, it would be easier to feel sympathy for you if you weren’t so freaking funny about it. It almost makes me want to stomp on your other foot just so you will blog about it.

    Okay, seriously though, I have no idea why you are even leaving the house if you don’t want to. You need to just put your big old, booted foot down and refuse to do more than lift your silverware to your mouth. I could never do all that you do in your circumstances. I’m humbled.

  5. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:14 pm guilty noodles Says:

    Good Lord, where the hell do you live? That’s just ridiculous. People suck.

  6. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    wow. that sucks the BIG one. hugely so..
    I will have a glass of wine in your honor…lol..I know, it doesn’t help you much, but it is the thought that counts!

    I hope the foot heals up FAST!!
    I had a boot on my leg after I broke my ankle and had to have a plate and screws put in to keep it all together..and THAT boot sucked ass. I hate it..I still hate it.I still HAVE it and I wish plastic would’d love to burn it…

  7. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm erin Says:

    i hate people, people suck ass……that is why my job has very little people contact, apparently i don’t play nice…..i say buy the cane and wack away!!

  8. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm melanie Says:

    People suck at life (a friend said that the other day and at get together and we were all roaring–can’t even remember what prompted the statement but it sort of became our mantra)…… when I was preggo (and carting around a just turned 2 year old and a 8 month old baby of my cousins) I was AMAZED at how crappy people truly are. If i see a mom carrying an infant seat, I hold the door open, more often than not for me it was like I was trying to throw a foot in the door that was closing (you know one hand carrying the HEAVY ASS infant seat and the other hanging on to the 2 year old who doesnt want to hold your hand)…….because you know when you let go of a 2 year old they are the fastest thing on feet. I realize that its out of style for men to hold the door open for women, and while i think its a shame, I dont expect this treatment NORMALLY, but seriously are we so damn busy and so damn self-important that we dont even NOTICE when someone could use a hand? And its not just the men, fellow Mom’s even dont seem to remember what it was like being big as a house and feeling labored just to carry oneself around let alone other children (and I cant imagine all this with a boot).

    I hope you find people who dont suck at life a little more often in the coming weeks.
    I think its time to get mouthy, call them out on it, if they cut in front of you in line a comment like “yeah your right, I was hoping to keep standing on my throbbing foot a few minutes longer today, thanks for anticipating my wishes”……but since i am the original non-confrontational queen, it takes a lot to get me to speak up.

  9. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm magpie Says:

    All I have to say is it’s a good thing you don’t have to take the subway.

    Feel better.

  10. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:52 pm shelli Says:

    I like the cane thing – THWAP!

  11. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 pm Calliope Says:

    that sucks. I learned years ago when I started taking care of Grandmother that people are assholes about disabilities. Serious assholes. I struggle with getting her into her wheelchair, through doors to stores, and at the grocery store when I am pushing her chair with one hand and having to balance a basket of ensure with my other I STILL get jerk-offs that are obnoxious about how I am taking up the lane. I still wonder how I am going to deal with GM’s wheelchair and the baby. Somewhere there has got to be a giant twin stroller that I can rig an 88 year old lady in one seat and a 0 year old in the other…

  12. On October 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 pm Melissa Says:

    If I come visit my brother in Chicago before you birth the Sausage Patty I’ll totally be your bodyguard and kick the asses of anyone who dares fuck with you at the store. Deal?

  13. On October 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 pm stacey k Says:

    cane them…cane them all–ungrateful bastages!!!!

  14. On October 23rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Totally get a cane. And find a way to smell like moth balls.

  15. On October 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm Susan Says:

    I hate that you’re so miserable but agree that when you write about it, it’s funny as shit. “want to be my hemorrhoid…” oh, Lordy, how I needed that laugh! Feel better…

  16. On October 23rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm heather Says:

    What the hell is with the nutball toddlers trying to dive out of cart seats?! Beans does this every.single.time we go to the store. Do you want to fall on your head and knock yourself senseless? Seriously, I usually catch her with only one leg still restrained and her other 25 lbs hanging dangerously over the Snickers bars (while the other one is tugging on my shirt obsessing over how long ’til we get home and does he *really* need a nap about 500 times).

    And. AND. If someone EVER held a door for me pushing that obnoxious stroller, I’d convulse. Truly. With a bum foot? I’d never leave. You’re more woman than I, Becky.

  17. On October 23rd, 2008 at 3:01 pm Maria Says:

    I’m a fucking freakshow at Target these days. I physically cannot lift Chipmunk if/when he starts freaking out WANT A RACE CAR WANT A RACE CAR GO TO THE RACE CARDS OVER THERRRRRRE MAMA RACE CARS OVER THEREREEEEEEEE I WANT. So I end up practically dislocating his shoulder while I literally drag him to the nearest restraints shopping cart. I can’t even IMAGINE how much that scenario would suck with a moon boot on.

  18. On October 23rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm The Mommy Says:

    It really is hard to feel sympathy when you’re laughing you butt off. You paint such a vivid picture!

    While I’ve never had a moon boot while pregnant and lugging a toddler, I find myself sympathizing with those in wheelchairs everytime I take my double-wide stroller anywhere. It is the same width as a regular wheelchair. I almost called out the manager at our local JCPenney because their wheelchair door is not operational from the outside. I CAN get in without pushing that damn button, but if I WERE in a wheelchair, I’d be fucked. And also, would not be shopping at their store. Here’s hoping you feel better. And that you can find a nice metal cane with which to do some serious whacking.

  19. On October 23rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm Lola Says:

    Whack away, honey! I think I’ve got strep throat, and I’m looking to whack people – people who send their sick kids to school and the sick little shits that pass it around by picking their noses and not covering their mouths when they cough. Whack away!

  20. On October 23rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm Betts Says:

    I always try to help those who are pregnant or with small children, and gimped people… that just goes without saying. I’ve been all three of those (just not at the same time, like you) so I can relate. I hope you run into some people that want to be your helping hand instead of your hemorroid. God, you crack me up!

  21. On October 23rd, 2008 at 3:59 pm Badass Geek Says:

    You know, I’d check you out.

  22. On October 23rd, 2008 at 4:27 pm El Says:

    I can’t stand when non-injured/disabled people park in the handicap spots, or when they park in front of the doors to a business with their flashers on, so you have to walk extra steps to get around there car (usually a big SUV) My mom was disabled with multiple problems (vision, MS, injuries from my dad) and being her eldest at 14 I got special permission to drive her everywhere…… Damn people can be annoying. To this day I get mad at people who pull that crap!
    I hope the foot gets to feeling better soon 🙁

  23. On October 23rd, 2008 at 6:37 pm mandy Says:

    You may be a gimp, but you sho is funny!

  24. On October 23rd, 2008 at 6:40 pm baseballmom Says:

    Jeez, I always get behind those idiot ass people at the store too…it’s like I’m a magnet or something.

  25. On October 23rd, 2008 at 6:41 pm Deb Says:

    I’m with Erin. I too hate people and if I carried a gun would have been locked up many, many years ago. Shoot the bastards!! Oops, cane right? Beat the bastards!!

  26. On October 23rd, 2008 at 7:04 pm efenz Says:

    OMG, thank you!!! I needed that — though clearly, you didn’t….

  27. On October 23rd, 2008 at 7:04 pm Edward Says:

    I’m hearing you…I am. I am not a big one for being empathetic/sympathetic but I think I’m getting a little better after all the changes in my life.

    I hope things look up and you feel better soon.

    Bye the way….there is no Santa? Just kidding.

  28. On October 23rd, 2008 at 8:53 pm Valerie Says:

    House pulls off the cane with pizazz. I am sure you can too 🙂

  29. On October 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 pm Kristen Says:

    People suck sometimes.
    And I would pay to see you whack one of them with a cane.

  30. On October 23rd, 2008 at 10:40 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    You’re being too nice letting people go ahead of you! Definitely hobble over to the pharmacy area the next time you’re at Target and get that cane!

  31. On October 23rd, 2008 at 11:46 pm 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why Says:

    Get that cane. Make it bamboo. Really smarts and leaves a big-ass whelp that says “I screwed with a cripple”. Oh, and aim for the forehead.
    Get well soon!

  32. On October 24th, 2008 at 12:00 am Melissa Says:

    I was at CVS the other day – waiting for my happy meds -and just happened to be checking out the canes. They have some killer styles. For canes anyway. You totally should get one. I wonder if your friend having the wedding would mind…

  33. On October 24th, 2008 at 6:22 am Kelley Says:

    I broke my toe once (well I have broken numerous toes, but only one pertains to this tale) and had to go to the supermarket with Boo. Boo was having a particularly AWESOME Autism day complete with squealing and flapping and general attention grabbing behaivour. People were pointing and sniggering. I was getting mightily pissed off and was ready to snap some necks. I held my temper and returned home with less than half of what I went in for.

    When I got home I raced to the loo and passed a mirror on the way. That is when I noticed my fly of my black pants was down exposing my very bright blue VERY lacy underpants.

    THAT is what people were laughing and sniggering at.

    Moral of this story: People suck regardless and always check your fly is done up.

  34. On October 24th, 2008 at 7:17 am Kristine Says:

    I feel that way about people and I’m not crippled or pregnant…sometimes people just suck.

  35. On October 24th, 2008 at 7:44 am SCY Says:

    I’m still getting over the hemroid mental picture – give me a sec……..hehehe………..erm………. *cough cough*…………. snort……………giggle……… *cough*

    Ok, now totally buy the cane and thwack them!!!

    Hope you come right soon honey!


  36. On October 24th, 2008 at 8:19 am heather Says:

    Ya’ll still have paper food stamps? I see people here using some kind of debit card looking thingy.

    Well just do as little shopping as you can. Maybe you can use one of those motorized carts with the baskets that annoys the hell out of everyone. 😉

  37. On October 24th, 2008 at 10:34 am Io Says:

    I vote for the cane whacking. Definitely.

  38. On October 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm Jane Says:

    It took me a full year to figure out that I should never, EVER go to Zellers on a Tuesday. Because it’s SENIORS’ DAY. And that, Aunt Becky, is a death sentence. Because there is a very good possibility that you will die of frustration, waiting in line behind an old lady who is beside herself with rage that nobody called her about her rain check on toilet paper.

    This actually happened. Well, I didn’t die, but the rain check thing is true.

  39. On October 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm Georgette Says:

    It almost makes me want to have another baby. Just kidding.

    hey, at least you have a sense of humor about it.

  40. On October 24th, 2008 at 3:26 pm Stacey Says:

    They make some pretty heavy canes these days. My dad has one that I am fairly certain would put someone in a moon boot themselves if he whacked them with it.

    think of it as delivering instant karma

  41. On October 24th, 2008 at 3:57 pm Emily R Says:

    SOme days, I just need a little Becky

  42. On October 24th, 2008 at 4:11 pm honeywine Says:

    I would have made them get me a helper! They do that when you break your leg! What else are those greeters going to do but pin smiley faces on children!

  43. On October 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    I don’t see how a cane would help. You need a child containment device, to keep the boys under control. Or, leave them home with the Daver – 2 kids, a gimpy foot and a growing belly are too much to control all at once. Don’t travel with the items mentioned above (the boys) that aren’t attached in some way to your body.
    However – this tale brings to mind the site of a college acquaintence – in the college infirmary waiting room – 8 months pregnant, in a wheel chair, in a cast, unmarried and managing to hide the pregnancy from her parents the entire time, and a month away from giving up her baby for adoption – so you’re in a much better place than she was, in much better shape, considering the shape you’re in.

  44. On October 24th, 2008 at 10:05 pm swirl girl Says:

    When I was pregnant, ToysRUs had ‘expectant mother’ parking spaces in front , right next to the Handicaps.

    subsistence farming – I called …lived there for ease of access.

  45. On October 25th, 2008 at 1:00 am Painted Maypole Says:

    at least your sense of humor isn’t wearing a moon boot

  46. On October 25th, 2008 at 8:41 am mumma boo Says:

    Two words – freakin’ funny! “want to be my hemorrhoid”.

    Another two words – Internet shopping.

    Guess which one has me snickering this morning? 🙂

  47. On October 25th, 2008 at 12:43 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    Get the cane. Or shop where you can ride on one of those motorized carts. My grandma used to LOVE chasing people in hers. And my cousin’s kids loved riding along with her.

  48. On October 25th, 2008 at 2:00 pm Sarah Says:

    If anyone ever had the right to get a cane and whack people with it, YOU ARE THAT PERSON. Work the angle you’ve been given.

    And hugs to you, as well.

  49. On October 25th, 2008 at 4:52 pm wishing4one Says:

    good to hear the USA still has sympathic, sensitive to those with disabilities if only temporary people around, geez, what a relief! i am so glad to know they will still be around when I come home, thank goodness. i miss them all so….

    man, so sorry for your boot, it must really suck bad and all the winners that you seem to run into. i say buy that cane and get to work girl! xoxoxox (missed u)

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment:

My site was nominated for Best Humor Blog!
My site was nominated for Hottest Mommy Blogger!
Back By Popular Demand...