Mommy Wants Vodka

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His Mother’s Son


Hurling things, I’ve been told, is of a far greater magnitude than merely throwing things. With that in mind, like it or not I would probably say that Alex is a hurler.

Sweet Ben, my poor sweet firstborn can barely throw a ball–just like his mother!–and will probably never opt to “throw the ole pigskin around” for fun. Because shit, that doesn’t sound like a whole ton of fun to me. The only ball sports I participate in are the sorts that happen in the horizontal position, if you know what I mean.

But Alex, in his demonic toddler glory has decided that EVERYTHING is for whipping around. I have narrowly dodged such implements of doom as a remote control, a large truck, several hardback books, and possibly even a cat or two. He’s bound and determined that pretty much anything and everything is hurl-worthy.

This has effectively turned him into a Toddler Weapon of Mass Destruction, especially when you factor in the teeth. Oh, the teeth. Why yes, I have seemed to somehow raise a biter AS WELL as a hurler. It’s obvious that I’m doing a fantastic job as a parent.

See, I never understood the Biting Kids. I always assumed that they had some terrible home life or something in which they learned from their parents that Biting Was The Way To Solve Problems? Maybe Mom and Dad settled disputes by the gnashing of teeth at each other’s throats or something. Regardless, I never figured that any child of mine would be a Biter (commence Universe laughing at me hysterically).

I have 2 bruises that now say otherwise.

(Segue Time! So, apparently I’d forgotten how as a child *I* handled frustration until I was writing this post. Then it struck me across the face that the reason I’d lost my front baby teeth was because I had become so enraged by some pillows I was trying to make a fort with that I bit them angrily. Guess my kid is really my clone).

And assuming that this new baby does indeed come this winter, I may have to invest in Baby’s First Crash Suit, just so it makes it through the first year.

Oh yes, yes I am indeed fucked.

posted under The Sausage Factory
25 Comments to

“His Mother’s Son”

  1. On July 10th, 2008 at 11:21 am Kristen Says:

    Oooh Karma sucks hey?? Thankfully I was an angel as a child, so my kids never misbehave… Unfortunately my hubby was a hellion.

  2. On July 10th, 2008 at 11:36 am Jenn Says:

    Ahahah. I swear. Boo is the girl version of Alex. If they ever got together, the kid they had would be devil incarnate!

  3. On July 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am -Seraphimred- Says:

    As I haven’t had a child come to term I really can’t add anything of my own…but….!

    My brother has raised two kids on his own as their mother went all apeshit on meth, and has told me a couple good stories.

    Not exactly what I would have done, but in order to cure his sons biting he BIT HIM BACK! He was at his wits end…my nephew bit a dog even! Lets just say that cured him. (He’s still a brat though).

  4. On July 10th, 2008 at 12:01 pm sara Says:

    I like the idea of a baby first crash suit…my husband and I have been contemplating the idea of placing our child in a bubble since we will most certainly break our first born. But I like you idea better. Hope your bitter takes a little break for the rest of the day (my niece is a bitter too, but she has finally outgrown it 🙂 Thanks for the congrats…and yes here’s to lady parts all around! Eww..that last line of mine sounded a little f-ed up…sorry. Pregnant mush brain, I swear!

  5. On July 10th, 2008 at 12:10 pm Kristine Says:

    BWAHAHAHA. The universe is so famous for that in my life. One time Landon slept through the night early on. And I was “heehee, may baby can totally sleep through the night.” And the Universe was all “nuh uh, crazy lady.” And 20 months later, I’m all “We do not speak about sleep.”

    Good luck on that biting business. Mine is biting his clothes all the time right now. No clue why, I totally feed him regularly.

  6. On July 10th, 2008 at 12:10 pm kbreints Says:

    Yep, and soon to be out numbered! Fun fun!

  7. On July 10th, 2008 at 12:20 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Umm, I wouldn’t tell my mother these things. She’d just laugh. Nastily.

  8. On July 10th, 2008 at 12:30 pm giggleblue Says:

    i confess. i was a biter and i turn out just fine… or did i??

  9. On July 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm Lisa Says:

    Well, I had a sucks..the good news was she only bite one kid over and over and over until her parents wanted to kill me. My daughters babysitter gave all the attention to the bit child and non to Olivia (since she was the biter) I don’t know if that did it but eventually she stopped just short of her babysitter losing a client.

  10. On July 10th, 2008 at 1:45 pm Susan Says:

    Biters are normal – just frustrated. When language begins to develop sufficiently, the biting eases up. You don’t bite when you’re doing ball sports horizontally, do you? I would hope not…You make me snot all over my monitor even when you’re writing about things that make you unhappy. Thanks for that. No really, thanks for that.

  11. On July 10th, 2008 at 1:48 pm heather Says:

    PILLOW BITER! HA. God, I’m 12. I still think you’re having a girl. Definitely get a crash suit for her, though. And make sure it’s bite-proof.

  12. On July 10th, 2008 at 1:54 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    Same here, girl. Same here.

    I’m really fortunate that my second child was my second.

    Had my first boy been my second–he would have never survived.

    Thankfully, the first one still has size in his favor (at least for now) My little boy out-toughs my big boy by miles–


  13. On July 10th, 2008 at 3:06 pm Heather Says:

    What the hell is UP with these second-borns? They are pure wild. If it wasn’t on my cell phone, and I wasn’t horribly lazy, I would link you to a photo of a bite mark (courtesy of Bean’s four VERY large chicklet teeth) on my shoulder that was a lovely shade of green and black and hurt like a bitch. And she laughed. Uproariously.

  14. On July 10th, 2008 at 4:42 pm Heather Says:

    LOL!! Tell me where you get your crash suit because I may need one also!!

  15. On July 10th, 2008 at 4:48 pm Kymberli Says:

    Kaelyn is turning into Fredina Kruger. Yesterday she gouged two deep, Freddy-Fu-Manchu finger scratches into Jordan’s back from mid-back to butt. Next thing I know, the other three will be hanging crucifixes and trying not to fall asleep.

  16. On July 10th, 2008 at 4:51 pm honeywine Says:

    May I suggest some “fabric” in the Jelly shoe variety?

  17. On July 10th, 2008 at 5:17 pm Lola Says:

    My son never bit anyone. He never had a hitting problem . He never threw anything he wasn’t supposed to either. He did go through a destructive phase breaking his toys until I straightened him out on that by throwing a couple of his favorite toys away.

    Other than being a bit antisocial still, he’s pretty level-headed. Go figure. I did every single one of those Alex/Becky things when I was a kid, and look how well I turned out.

  18. On July 10th, 2008 at 6:35 pm Shay Says:

    Ah yes the never ending joy of the toddler years. I’m happy to say we are safely through them forever!

    Good luck;-)

  19. On July 10th, 2008 at 7:41 pm Candid Engineer Says:

    Ball sports, eh? Got a laugh out of that one.

  20. On July 10th, 2008 at 9:28 pm mandy Says:

    My one year old is just like that. He is so ROUGH. I think it’s cute. Of course, I don’t have an even littler one getting hit by any of it.

  21. On July 11th, 2008 at 6:05 am Marinka Says:

    Lol, my kids never bit, but then again, I had them defanged.

  22. On July 11th, 2008 at 6:47 am vered Says:

    Maybe it’s just a phase… probably is, actually! Hang in there. 🙂

  23. On July 11th, 2008 at 7:28 am spangie Says:

    All my kids were biters… and I bit them back… not flesh tearing, blood spurting, teeth marking bites, but bites none the less….. and they were cured… i think once they realized that it hurt, they didn’t do it anymore… i know… bad mom… but it worked…. and they’ve all turned out okay so far…

  24. On July 11th, 2008 at 10:41 am Coco Says:

    Hi, my name is Mommy To A Tiny Vampire.

    My son has been kicked out of 2 daycares. He’s bitten hard enough to leave large bruises, broken the skin, you name it.

    My sole comfort? He bites everyone, so at least it isn’t discriminatory. And it is improving. Sometimes he goes 2 days in a row without biting. Much. Heh. I joke because otherwise I start sobbing. 😉

    Anyway, my point is: it’s nothing you do or aren’t doing. You can’t make them stop; don’t listen to anyone telling you to bite back, use hot sauce (WTF???), put Alex in time-out, or whatthehellever they SWEAR worked with their precious angels. Compliant kids sometimes stop after these tactics, but not because of them, I’m convinced. They stop because they are, in fact, compliant by nature, and biting wasn’t big on their agenda to begin with. High-voltage kids? Good luck, bub.

    Should you address it? Sure. I’ve done “We don’t bite, biting hurts!” as a chant for over a year now. We’ve tried teethers, sippy cups, quiet time, crackers…It is sinking in, slowly. But punishments, deterrents…the kids are too young to process those. They can’t make the connection; they don’t know why you’re “biting them back” or why they have to sit in the corner. Biting is usually a frustration reaction; it’s normal toddler behavior.

    I know it’s hard to deal with the biting. Things get better. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. I swear.

  25. On July 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm b Says:

    Yep, you’re fucked..and not in that fun horizontal way you were referring to earlier in the post.

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