Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Hey There Pranksters! I’m taking over while Aunt Becky is full of the knock out drugs.


What do you call a PS that comes before the whole post? A Pre-PS? Pre-PS – The following probably won’t make much sense, so you can totally just skip ahead to the pictures. If you’ve never read me, then it definitely won’t make sense, but if you’re familiar with me, then you know it’s just been another Wednesday.

I don’t know if y’all know me, but I’m Guilty Squid. I’m a self proclaimed Internet Superstar, Unofficial Spokesperson for Urban Spoon and the 2010 Internet Coroner. That last one was by popular vote. So people like me, dammit!

Best of all? I have real friends. On the Internet. And one of those is your Aunt Becky.

Aunt Becky was brave enough to let me at this place while she’s out of commission, because she worries about you people worrying. So I was all, “Dude, updates? I can post updates!” I mean, I’m totally baffled why y’all would even want updates on my day, but you know what? I was all, “Shut UP me. If Becky needs updates, then dammit, that’s totally what I’m going to give her people!”

Also, I’m ADHD and I write like I think so it’s not so much with the carefully thought out stuff, it’s all fast forward and sporadic and covered in crazy. In other words? Awesome.

Yesterday at lunch I gave my boss a disembodied head to drink his coffee from and I have to be honest, I’m totally getting a promotion probably just from that one gesture. Honestly, I’m not sure why I don’t have more friends with my smooth moods. The update here is that while in a meeting this morning, the boss texted me:

If giving your boss a disembodied head is wrong, then who wants to be right?

And then sometime hours after I wrote all that, I finally got away from work and stuff and things and was all, Dammit. This is why I don’t have friends. Because the updates? They didn’t come.

There were a lot of things that happened though. First, two of the geeks in the office wanted me to go to lunch with them, but I was totally planning to do some shopping at lunch so I sent the guys off to have lunch with each other. And then they were all, “You should have come to lunch with us.” which was nice and all, but then it was, “No, you really should have come with us.” and then I was all, “Wait. WHAT?” And then it was, “You help break the ice.” and that’s when it totally hit me. I’m the most social of this particular group. That’s never happened. Which just was probably not as full of the win as I feel like it is, but I’m totally pretending that it is.

But, the overall greatness is that I can totally give you the notes of the updates in a rundown form for Becky and even though this probably seems like it’s getting posted really late, I’m pretty sure it’s just the time difference. If you’re in Japan, then I’m posting this yesterday which would mean that Becky hadn’t even HAD her surgery yet so I’m the best friend ever. How lucky is she anyway? Pretty damn lucky, it would seem.

Anyway, the next thing I knew it was all late and I still hadn’t hit post, so y’all are just getting my notes.

So, yeah. I guess this was a fail. But good news, everyone! I get to come back and post AGAIN this week.

I’ll try to do better then, but to be honest? I’m sort of easily distracted, so that could end up as anything.

And Becky? I got you a little something.

Note to Dave: This is how you get out of trouble. Some bling with her name on it. You can have that advice for free. You're welcome.

36 Comments to

“Hey There Pranksters! I’m taking over while Aunt Becky is full of the knock out drugs.”

  1. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:44 pm Tara Says:

    That post was full of the awesome. SO happy to hear our Aunt Becky is doing well!

  2. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:47 pm Tweets that mention Hey There Pranksters! I’m taking over while Aunt Becky is full of the knock out drugs. | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mary Burt-Godwin, Guilty Squid. Guilty Squid said: Guess who has the keys to @mommywantsvodka's virtual house today? That's right. […]

  3. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:48 pm Eliza Says:

    Greetings from the land of Orchids and Aloha ~

    Mahalo no – ( <–Hawaiian, means thanks indeed, twisted language, huh?) – for the excellent update on the awesome Aunt Becky as well as your ADHD communication flow.

    Looking forward to more as it needs to be shared.

    Blessings Always ~

  4. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:54 pm guiltysquid Says:

    Thanks! I’ll be back tomorrow, I think.

  5. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:48 pm Stefanie Says:

    So glad to hear Aunt Becky is doing well. That is what you said. Right? It was all very confusing.

  6. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:52 pm guiltysquid Says:

    Isn’t it always?

    She’s feeling no pain. That? Is a fact.

  7. On November 4th, 2010 at 1:34 am Jenn-Jenn Says:

    Gotta love the Happy Button!

  8. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:52 pm Danielle Says:

    I got a little lost in there, but I am glad that Becky is doing well.

  9. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:53 pm guiltysquid Says:

    Dude, I can totally do more while she’s doing the get better siesta! Excuse me, but there are some scissors over there that I feel like I should run with.

  10. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:54 pm Danielle Says:

    After you run with them, make something pretty.

  11. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:54 pm carissa Says:

    Look at you being a friend superstar. After that exhausting day I would have probably just published a one sentence blog introducing myself and then called it a day. But Nice to meet you and I’m looking forward to reading more!

  12. On November 3rd, 2010 at 10:55 pm guiltysquid Says:

    I’m usually lost inside my own head. I don’t blame you. It doesn’t help that I started one and ended with another.

    I could probably edit it, but let’s be honest. I’m totally going to get distracted by something else entirely and it will never get done.

  13. On November 3rd, 2010 at 11:10 pm SaveKathy Says:

    Hahahaha, you know funny thing is that I follow you perfectly… but I have been reading your blog and all. But I think reading TheNextMartha and having and ADHD son just make me like…speak the language?
    Thanks for the update… after the tweet about the drugs I was thinking she was at least comfy on the drugs.

  14. On November 3rd, 2010 at 11:11 pm Mama Mary Says:

    Glad Aunt Becky is doing well. And GS, you crack my shit up!

  15. On November 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 pm Beautiful Mess Says:

    Hey guiltysquid! Thanks for the update! MAN, it sounds like you’re pretty amazing around the office! So, what’s that like? I don’t have an office, all I do is do laundry, cook dinner and sex up the husband, but I’m still unsure if I’m considered amazing or not. Even though I’m the only one that does any of those things. But if someone wants to step in? Feel free!

    Anyway, give Aunt Beck our love and see ya soon, yo!

  16. On November 3rd, 2010 at 11:58 pm Melissa Says:

    OOOh, GS has the keys! And is funny as a cat wiping his butt on the carpet (if it isnt your’s of course). Yay!

    Becky is my homeslice, but GS talks me down. This is awesome,

  17. On November 4th, 2010 at 12:30 am Jennifer B Says:

    Ok, so I’m pretty sure my job is making me ADD now. Because I was totally following that until I got to the end and I was like, “what just happened?” And then I figured out that Aunt Becky is okay, and I breathed a sigh of relief and felt better. Then I thought about how your day went and realized, that’s what happens to me every day. I look back and realize I’ve done fuck nothing but it took me all damn day. And I was flustered a lot. Hmph. Yep, job-induced ADD. I used to be all organized, I swear. Oh well. Thanks Squids. Look forward to the next installment, but missing AB.

  18. On November 4th, 2010 at 1:33 am Jenn-Jenn Says:

    Oh Crap! There’re two of us! I also do a very hectic day of buggerall and come time-sheet time I think, WTF, I was run off my feet?

  19. On November 4th, 2010 at 1:31 am Jenn-Jenn Says:


  20. On November 4th, 2010 at 2:10 am andygirl Says:

    I love me some Guilty Squid!!

  21. On November 4th, 2010 at 6:32 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    I hope Becky is on the good drugs!

  22. On November 4th, 2010 at 7:03 am mumma boo Says:

    Quite possibly the funniest update post ever. Thanks for the laugh! Let us know how that legal defense works for you. I have a feeling some of us might need to use it. Heh.

  23. On November 4th, 2010 at 7:08 am jana Says:

    I just wanna know if that is your handwriting or some awesome font you used? Because I’m in need of that font. It looks just like my handwriting!

    Also, funny shit girl!

  24. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:13 am SharleneT Says:

    You’re a good friend and, what’s scary, I was able to follow you… Come visit when you can… and hugs to Aunt Becky for me!

  25. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:41 am ColinP Says:

    “Oh G0d these people annoy me!” is totally a valid defense. Also always remember the old axiom “I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you.”

  26. On November 4th, 2010 at 11:36 am steph gas Says:

    you are my adhd soulmate. your post made perfect sense to me and was COMPLETELY full of the win.

    in the interest of full disclosure, i do not, in fact, have adhd. i have a naturally short attention span and am pumped full of drugs for being batshit crazy which basically give me a touch of the adhd.

    like, i started a sewing project 9 weeks ago, started at it for 8 weeks and 6 days, and then tried to finish it yesterday. then i got distracted by making a different sewing thingamajig, and decided to throw out the first thing i was supposed to be working on.

    ALSO. i was supposed to be doing classwork. PROCRASTINATION: FUCK YEAH!

    ALSO ALSO. super happy to hear aunt motherfucking becky is doing well and has the happy button.

  27. On November 4th, 2010 at 11:44 am Tracy Says:

    Please write more. I miss Aunt Becky but you totally crack me up. In fact, I think I’ll have to go track down your blog.

  28. On November 4th, 2010 at 12:37 pm toywithme Says:

    Props to you Guilty Squid, Aunt Becky will be proud! All those words confused me,… hey, some of them where big, but I loved the bling! Awesome touch.

  29. On November 4th, 2010 at 2:13 pm Queen Momma Says:

    So glad Aunt Becky won’t be requiring the duties of your most recent title… too soon?

  30. On November 4th, 2010 at 4:04 pm katrina Says:

    Ha! whadya mean you’re hard to understand/follow??? It all made perfect sense to me and was full of the awesome! Best update of anything i’ve ever read… glad that our becky is in happy lalalland.

  31. On November 4th, 2010 at 4:38 pm Kristin Says:

    Guilty Squid rocks and I NEED to know where you got the mug!

  32. On November 4th, 2010 at 4:54 pm Maggy Says:

    Guilty Squid … don’t feel guilty for what? Huh? What did you ask me again? OK. Sure. Whatever you say. Thanks for the great Aunt Becky update. Glad to know she is feeling no pain!

  33. On November 4th, 2010 at 6:21 pm Kat Says:

    Weren’t we just recently looking for bling with Aunt Becky’s name on it?

  34. On November 4th, 2010 at 8:09 pm guiltysquid Says:

    Becky is always looking for bling with her name on it.

  35. On November 6th, 2010 at 6:19 pm Mami Says:

    I completely understand you. AdHd is some cool stuff, sometimes. makes for some Interesting days. Aunt Becky, so glad surgery went well. I can’t wait to read more updates, and see pics later too.

  36. On November 7th, 2010 at 10:16 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Oh, Guilty (Can I call you guilty? I’ve sent you an Internet card about an STD, so I think I can.), really?

    I mean, Aunt Becky went through surgery for this post.


    I think we both know that you’re just phoning it in.

    ‘Cause it’s super easy to go to Siberia.

    Hey, Putin, you smell.



    (And yes, I know this comment is days late. That’s what happens when I leave posts open in tabs endlessly, planning to come back on bright day in the future when I feel the motivation to provide Aunt Beck worth the awesomeness.)

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