Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye.
To this day, I’m not quite sure what I did. I’m certain it must have been something completely unforgivable, but I would hope that if this were the case, I’d at least be aware of whatever sin I’d committed. Hell, maybe it’s so incredibly stupid that I’m better off not knowing, because knowing would inflame my already heightened sense of rage (Hi! I’m Becky, and I’m a Rage-A-Holic!)
(Hi, Becky!).
Let me back up for a moment.
I met Jenna when I transferred colleges in 2002. We were both on track for the nursing program, which meant that we were working for one year to fill the gaps in our credits before we began our clinical training. As fate would have it, we were in a couple of classes together, and fueled by a mutual love of nicotine and Diet Coke, we became fast friends.
She was exactly the sort to become one of my friends: she was both stunningly beautiful and cracked my ass up, like all of my female friends (You’re all welcome for the compliment. I know, I know I’m too kind. I’ll be checking my mail for extravagent Christmas gifts starting later this week, guys. In case you’re planning ahead, which I suggest that you do.). We had loads of fun together.
She wasn’t accepted into The Program with me, so she transferred to another college farther away, right around the same time that I started dating The Daver. We kept in touch, but between my insane rotations, my quickly growing son, and my new relationship, we grew increasingly distant.
(I admit to The Internet at large, when I began to date The Daver, I became more neglectful of each of my friends. While I am aware that just about everyone does this with a New Relationship, I am still sorry for succumbing to it. It’s not cool and it’s not fair.)
Whew. With that white elephant stuffed rightfully back into the closet, I shall try to get back to the point.
When I got engaged, I asked my best friend Ashley to be my Maid of Honor for several very good reasons: she’s as OCD as I am, she knew/knows more about weddings than I do, and she was around more often than Jenna was. She pretty much ran my wedding for me because I asked her to (damn you Dave, for not letting me get married by Elvis in Vegas, dance down the aisle to “That’s The Way, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh, I Like It,” and insisting that our first dance NOT be “YMCA!” You’re NEVER going to live this down.) and she did a damn fine job, just as I knew that she would. If I can’t have good taste, I’m smart enough to know people that do.
Before I’d met The Daver, before I had a serious boyfriend OR the prospect of one on the horizon, Jenna and I had agreed to be each other’s maid of honor, something that I vaguely remembered when I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Honestly, between her clinical schedule AND living really far away from me, I was sure that she’d have been thrilled to have dodged that bullet. *I* would have been.
She was decidedly Not Happy, and the prospect of being a bridesmaid NOT a maid of honor miffed her until I offered that she AND Ashley share the burden together. Duel maid of honor to match the two best men on Dave’s side. Sweetness, I thought, this is going just swimmingly.
We all went as a big fucking happy family to get measured for our dresses together, as we were having them custom made, and drama was avoided. Everyone got along, which is saying something because there were eight of us that day. Dress designs were hashed out, swatches chosen, and pick up dates were established. Plans were afoot for a bridal shower, and life just kept on trucking.
A couple of weeks passed when I realized that Jenna was not returning my phone calls. Being as irritating as I can be when I cannot get ahold of someone (very, very annoying. Trust me), I continued calling. When I got no response, I started emailing. To all of her email addresses. I had Ashley email her.
Nada.
Becoming increasingly concerned for her well-being, as she was not the sort to drop off the face of the planet, I increased my efforts ten-fold. Twenty-fold. Finally, as a last resort, I had a mutual friend email her. She received an immediate response.
Fuck.
It was then when I realized that she was infuriated with something that I’d done and I was getting The Silent Treatment. Which is potentially the most horrid thing that you can do to me. Yell at me, berate me, pee in my mail box (please don’t pee in my mail box): fine, I can handle that. WHATEVER you do, don’t ignore me. I cannot take it.
Giving it one last shot, I sent one more email, and called one more time, explaining that I wasn’t going to be calling her anymore and apologizing for whatever it was that I’d done.
I’ve not heard from her since.
Now, I’m fairly certain that she had her panties in a wad (oh, the search terms. OH, the search terms!) over being asked to be a bridesmaid NOT a maid of honor, although this decision was months away from the dress fitting, and I’d heard nothing more about it since then. But I can never be sure, and maybe that’s why this bothers me to this day, nearly three years later.
I have a terrible time saying goodbye to just about anything, really. For being a fairly unemotional person, I’m incredibly sentimental. It’s one thing when a friendship grows apart due to the natural progression of things, but it’s something completely different when you are simply dropped without so much as a whisper.
Moreover, I just miss having her in my life. So few people really get me, and she happened to be one of those people who did. I frequently consider reaching out to her again, sending her a letter saying, shit I don’t know, whatever it is that you say to someone who goes from being one of your best friends to dropping out of your wedding. I’m sorry? I miss you? I am sorry and I do miss her, that’s for sure.
But has too much time passed? If this friendship could be salvaged, should it be? My anger has absolutely fizzled out, so it’s not as though I still have an axe to grind with her: she had her reasons for doing what she did, and mayhap they are good ones and mayhap they are not, but it’s ancient history now (aside from me still whining to Dave about not taking me to Vegas. That may never end.).
So Dear Internet, what would YOU do if you were in my shoes?
I’d reach out again if you are truly missing her. Maybe you can reunite or maybe you will just get some closure. But I don’t think it can hurt.
My mom died about 4 years ago and my best friend just never showed up to the wake or the funeral. And didn’t return my phone calls or emails afterwards. Her parents and her brothers were there and even her boyfriend came to the wake, but she just never showed up and never explained why. I fumed about this for years – I’d cry whenever someone brought up her name or said they saw her somewhere. It really tore me up. One day out of the blue I asked for her number from a mutual friend and we just talked – about her life and my life and why she walked out of my life and why it didn’t matter anymore. I don’t think we will ever be friends again, but at least the not knowing isn’t killing me anymore.
Hope that LONG saga helps. I am sorry my comment my be longer than your post, but it just hit home for me.
“she was both stunningly beautiful and cracked my ass up, like all of my female friends”
Ooh, if this is an accurate description of your female friends, the ones who I haven’t met a single one of thank you very much, you’re getting something in the mail alright. Thanks for the idea by the way, never would’ve though of doing that to somebody’s mailbox, but now…
I’d say if you want to, go for it. A friend of mine from a decade back just got a hold of me a week or two back. It was good to hear from her and I look forward to talking to her more. Yeah, we grew apart on good terms, but over time, everything becomes small stuff, if you ask me. If you need it for closure go for it, if not, don’t worry about it.
FYI – I’m still fuming that you haven’t introduced me to these beautiful funny women. I’m so kicking your ass next time I make it out to the corn fields.
Um, if you’re asking me, you are asking the wrong person. I’m very, very good at walking away. I had a friend disappear right around the time that Bones and I started dating. I really believe that, since he’s incapable of finding and maintaining a relationship on his own, he got jealous and disappeared. No returning of phone calls, no emails, nothing. Fine. I wrote him off. Well, a couple years passed, and he starts calling. Frankly, I’m not interested. He has issues and I don’t want to be involved.
Oh, and look at what had to happen to whats-his-name who NEVER STOPPED CALLING ME. I almost had to change my number on that one.
I think, since it is tugging at you, that you should do one more reach out. Maybe sending a real, hand written letter would melt the ice a bit.
I have lost many great friends for so many dumb ass reasons. Most of them (as in 99.9%) the demise of the friendship was over something horrible that the other person did. And then I smartly walked away. But like an idiot I still imagine that one day they will call. I tell the universe at large that I would be open to hearing from them, but no effing way will I make the 1st move as *I* am the one owed the apology!!!! damnit!
ahem
This might be why I don’t have many friends any more.
I can relate to this – it’s happened to me before with old friends! I would probably reach out one more time (but then I have a hard time letting go!). Then, even if it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll feel you put in the effort. (although you’ve already done plenty!) good luck!
hey…it was your wedding. if she cant deal with your decision and has to, honestly, be a complete child about how she deals with being put out (the silent treatment is SOOOO freakin highschool) then your probably, in all honestly, better off she wasnt in the wedding. the *last* thing you would have needed was a potential drama bomb like that going off on the big day..
Forget and move on. the best revenge is to live well..and email them pictures.
It’s really up to how you feel. There are those of us who have a tendency to fly off the handle and do things that are irrational when angry (generally not about one specific thing). That said, if Jenna is one of those people it is very possible she feels very bad/silly, but is too embarassed/stubborn to reach out. Then again, it is equally possible she’s just a sea hag. I never really knew her, but you did…what seems more likely to you? If you really do miss her, give it one last shot…
I think if you really miss her AND you think she is a quality friend, reach out agian. BUT, it sounds like she was pretty self-absorbed. It was YOUR wedding. Your choice. I think it’s very rude to walk out like that without even so much as an email or phone call. I mean, come on, email is so easy. So, I think you should consider what you want from her. Are you looking for closure? Or to have her back in your life? Frankly, it sounds like you are better off without her. She has had years to apologize. But, like Ashley said, you know her better than we do, so you know whether you think it was a fluke, or a true testament to her character.
I forgive pretty much everything and everyone way too easily, so I know what I’d do.
But maybe you should examine your motivation for doing this, as Pauline so wisely says. Are you in a good, happy place where you just want to reach out to everyone in the whole wide world and all hug and hold hands and sing Kumbaya together? Has someone done or said something recently that reminds you of her — in a good or bad way? Are you hoping for an explanation?
My guess? There was something bad going on in her life at the time and the m-o-h thing was the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel’s back. But I’m wrong a lot.
I’m a pretty forgiving person as well, although my temper is fierce, it burns out quickly and I’m left feeling ashamed for being so quick to fly off the handle.
To be honest, I was never furious with her, just curious as to where she’d gone and why.
After reading all of your helpful advice, I’m planning on writing her a letter someday, probably before the holidays and opening that door a crack. If she wants to walk through, she’s welcome to, and if she doesn’t, well okay, but at least I know I tried.
And Josh, none of my beautiful hilarious friends are single. Sorry, sexxy.