Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Here, There, And Everywhere


Today, I’m struggling with what to write, mainly because how the HELL does someone follow up a post like the above without sounding even more trite than usual (as you all know, I’m usually very, very trite). So rather than try to come up with something that sounds so annoyingly false and awkward, I am just going to give you an update on crap I’ve talked about before, but never thought to update about like a Good Aunt Becky should.

So, take this for what it is: fluffy, insubstantial, and likely dull as hell.


Despite an afternoon filled with me staring out the window for the 5-0, none came to arrest me and throw me in the clink. Although it would make for some interesting blog fodder, (thanks, KC) I’ve been arrested before (gasp!) and it’s not nearly as exciting as the movies. Plus, the ink is hard to get off your fingers.

Thank you for reassuring me, The Internet, because for some reason, my hyperactive guilt complex had gotten the best of me and I had assumed the worst (imagine me trying to pack as much stuff into as small a suitcase as possible and hunting furiously for my passport as I wondered who would remember to pick up the cake if I was fleeing the country. It was close to this.)

Before you think me an absolute nutter, let me tell you a story: when I was a kid, my mother and grandmother took me to a craft show (eek. SCARY!) at the old courthouse for my county. I don’t think it’s a functioning court house or anything, but the moment I walked indoors, I got completely hysterical and began to freak the fuck out. I was convinced that they were going to arrest me for what, I can’t be sure. Reckless use of banana clips?

I was 8.


After many, many months of repeated blood work (I *have* been complimented on my veins), and dosage increases, I have finally reached therapeutic dose for my thyroid issues (I HAVE A GLANDULAR PROBLEM, PEOPLE!).

Thyroid problems are extra annoying because it’s hard to determine what specifically is wrong versus what’s just how you are. Let me give you a wee list so that you may see what I’m talking about:

Depression (I have/had/am currently being treated for PPD)

Weight Gain (I heart cheeseburgers)

Lethargy (I have a newborn/infant/asshole toddler)

The list goes on and on, but rest assured all of the symptoms are totally non-specific. I only was diagnosed when I couldn’t get pregnant, and I’m sure had I gone to the doctor complaining of any of these ailments, I would have been sent on my merry way with an order to “exercise” and “eat better.”

And even though I now I have a new doctor to add to my ever-growing litany of specialists whose waiting room patrons are among the creepiest on the planet, it’s worth every weirdo-sighting I get to partake in.

Besides, I am now finally losing the rest of the baby weight (sadly, a year later) but now it’s actually COMING OFF, which does wonders for my mood (color me a pathetic girl if you must).


And I saved the most exciting and prize-filled part for the best (you can’t say your Aunt Becky doesn’t like to buy people stuff, because SHE DOES). I wasn’t expecting to get so many heartwarming and thoughtful people participating in my Week of Kindness, so again, I’m thanking you from the bottom of my heart (I’d give you a sloppy wet kiss on the mouth, but I’m sick and you don’t need sickness, eh?).

I present to you this edition of winners (we’re ALL winners here on Mommy Wants Vodka!) who were randomly selected to get sent cool stuff from Aunt Becky (and Mr. Aunt Becky):

Andria at Boy Mom, who made a donation to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

Jenn at That Psycho Family, who not only perpetuated the Love Train, but made several donations as well.

(golf claps all around!)

Honestly, it killed me not to send each and every person who performed an act of kindness something, but I’m not nearly organized enough to send that many things in the mail (which is why donating to the Salvation Army is better for me than eBay). So, until next time, I’m not worthy of all of you.


*hugs* Internet, I love you to pieces. NOW MAKE USE OF THAT “EMAIL ME” BUTTON!

posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
11 Comments to

“Here, There, And Everywhere”

  1. On April 1st, 2008 at 1:58 pm kc Says:

    I’m not gonna lie – I was hoping for a dramatic arrest (complete with screaming, crying and a foot through the back window of the police cruiser), but alas, no such luck.

    Who loves yah, baby?

    On a side note – I will call you soon to set up some time for hangin’ – as well as crafty time for Stef.

  2. On April 1st, 2008 at 2:33 pm Ames Says:

    Glad to hear there were no arrests (though I’m sure that post would have been wonderful).

  3. On April 1st, 2008 at 3:00 pm theramblinghousewife Says:

    LMAO . . .Reckless use of banana clips. . .

    I committed that crime many times . . .

    Along with indecent exposure of overly big bangs!

  4. On April 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm kbrein Says:

    Ok– how’d you do it? How did you lose the baby weight?

    I gotta get off my butt and work out more.. maybe this nicer weather that is comin’ will help with that!

  5. On April 1st, 2008 at 3:40 pm kbreints Says:

    Ok– how’d you do it? How did you lose the baby weight?

    I gotta get off my butt and work out more.. maybe this nicer weather that is comin’ will help with that!

  6. On April 1st, 2008 at 4:00 pm Chris Says:

    “I wasn’t expecting to get so many heartwarming and thoughtful people participating in my Week of Kindness…”

    People are genuinely kind. I am actually going to post an article this week about all the random act of kindness that I observed during my trip to the Philippines. It’s simply amazing…

  7. On April 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I’m glad you weren’t arrested. Though I was kinda hopin’ for a story about how the cops came by and you talked your way out of it.

    (Because I like to keep my kind thoughts hidden. Although I love what you’re doing.)

  8. On April 1st, 2008 at 9:26 pm Karen Says:

    I love the B-day picture. Adorable baby.

  9. On April 1st, 2008 at 9:47 pm Leslee Says:

    So, while I’m glad you weren’t arrested simply due to the fear that, left to their own devices, all I can picture your boys doing while you would be locked away is reminiscent of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer had all three kids and his plan for Maggie was to “let her roam free in the backyard and let nature take it’s course”, I must express my sadness at needing a log in to view the link you put up. (Hooray run on sentence! Except it has punctuation. I read it without taking a breath though!) Is that just my log in for when I comment? Color me CORNFUZZLED!

    And dude. DUDE. The doctors (all 50 bagillion of them) still tell me to eat better and shed some pounds and maybe I’ll magically get better. There’s only so much salad a person who is not actually a rabbit can ingest! There’s this gym through a hospital I’m gonna join here this week, though, cuzz enrollment is $25 and they work with you SO well that I think I can make some of my 7 year old baby fat turn itself into ginormous muscle so I don’t jiggle when I walk. Mmm… Jiggle. I know that made you want me. 😛

  10. On April 1st, 2008 at 10:35 pm Kristen Says:

    Love ya girl, thinking of you and I am really glad your meds are working out for ya now.
    Thanks for all the encouraging comments, they mean a lot.

  11. On April 16th, 2008 at 10:37 am Can you smell me now? Says:

    […] a gift in the mail yesterday.  Well, it actually wasn’t a surprise, Aunt Becky had a “contest” of sorts, and I won.  Honestly, in all my life, I;ve never won anything.  I didn’t […]

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