Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

There Your Heart Will Be Also


Dear Pranksters,

Normally, I wouldn’t bother to write out a long-winded and boring explanation for my absence from my blog (I’ve been active on The Facebook and The Twitter, but that is neither here nor there) because frankly, it could read “Been busy, cat knocked over computer, broke my toe making a sandwich,” and it would have as much impact as the words I’m typing now. But since you have been my family for as long as I can recall, I wanted to explain why I’ve been silent and moreover, how much I’ve missed the fucking shit out of you. When I started blogging, it was to feel like I wasn’t alone in the universe. What I found was so much more – I found you, my Pranksters. In the process, I found myself, too.

(insert “My Heart Will Go On” – muzak rendition, natch)

While it seemed as though I’d fallen prey to the whole “I don’t blog any longer” phenomenon that seems to happen to bloggers after a certain timetable, the reality is that you were never far from my mind. So many years I spent pouring out my brain into an empty WordPress box, it was impossible for me to not come back to it. It just had to be the right time.

The time is now. (imagine me fist-pumping in the air)

I’d stopped blogging when the whole D-Word came into the picture because a) I didn’t want to somehow get my blog into the prying eyes of a judge and 2) I felt like I didn’t have anything left to say (okay, that’s presuming I had anything of any importance to say in the first place, which is debatable). When I announced that I was getting a divorce, I know that some people – myself included – were taken aback by it. I hadn’t really shared my struggles with my marriage – or even let anyone in on the whole “I’m separated” thing – because if I said it, that would make it real. And I was SO not prepared for that. No one goes into a marriage to get divorced.

So I continued blogging from my [redacted] box, which grew smaller and smaller as time went on. I didn’t want to put it out there that we were struggling, so I stopped writing anything I cared about. When that happened, I stopped blogging. Yeah, I was busy, yeah, I burnt my tongue making toast, yeah, the cat knocked over something or another, but no, honestly, that wasn’t why. I could feel that my heart simply wasn’t in it. So I stopped, knowing that one day I’d return.

And now I can safely say that I am ready. I’m done living a [redacted] life and I’m ready to get back into blogging. Just bear with me as I get my sea legs back.

Thank you, my Pranksters, for being there for me, for being my friend when I felt alone and for picking me up, dusting me off, and reminding me that things will be okay. I’d love to thank every person who reached out to me, who sent me a sweet care package, and who believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, but the list would be three pages long. I promise to do better in the future and thank you in a timely manner.

Without your support, I honestly do not know if I’d be here today, typing these silly words into this empty WordPress box. Together, we can take the world by storm.

Love always,

(your) Aunt Becky

P.S. As I’m doing some spring cleaning (early or late, depending upon how you want to look at it), please let me know if I need to add you to my blogroll. If you’ve sent me an email and I haven’t replied, go ahead and send another one to

P.P.S. I’m thinking about revamping my crappy advice column – Go Ask Aunt Becky. Thoughts?

[poll id=”8″]

P.P.P.S. I’m going to try something new. I’m always bragging about how I have the best readers on Teh Internets, so I’m gonna test you. Every Friday, I want to put up a guest post from one of you guys. Doesn’t matter if you blog or not. If you’ve got a great, hilarious story, I want to share it with THE WORLD. Throw me an email with GUEST POST in the subject line so I can easily tell that it’s not trying to sell me Viagra to and we’ll go all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER on this shit.

P.P.P.P.S. Since Google dumps everything that is awesome and good to develop garbage like Google Glass, I’ve lost all my RSS feeds which makes me sad in the pants. Do you have any good suggestions for feed readers?

P.P.P.P.P.S. Now is the time to throw your link into the comment box so that I can add it to my new feed reader. I gots to keep up with my Pranksters! And you know what? Everyone deserves a little self-promotion. NOW IS THAT TIME, PRANKSTERS. SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY.

Also: I realize that I left a number of unanswered questions behind when I stopped blogging. If’n you have a question, leave me a comment and I’ll do my best to answer it.

posted under Free To Be You + Me
71 Comments to

“There Your Heart Will Be Also”

  1. On December 29th, 2013 at 7:34 pm Grace Says:

    Dearest Aunt Becky:

    Did you ever find your pants?

  2. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    This makes for an AWESOME post, Gracie Girl!

  3. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:18 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh! And I expect a guest post from you!

  4. On December 29th, 2013 at 7:39 pm Jessica Green Says:

    I can’t recommend the old reader more for your rss feeds. If you have been using google reader since it’s infancy it will be very familiar and feel like an old friend.

  5. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oooh! Awesome! I’ll check it out! And now? You must write me a post!

  6. On December 29th, 2013 at 7:46 pm Caro Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,
    Did you ever have a kumquat?

  7. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude – miss you. Come back and write here!

  8. On January 1st, 2014 at 2:39 pm Caro Says:

    for real? You miss me? I owe you such a long letter.

  9. On December 29th, 2013 at 7:56 pm Chimomwriter Says:

    Gurrrrrl, welcome back, from one hiatus’d blogger to another.

  10. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Time to find my voice again. And now? I hope you’ll throw together a guest post for me (no pressure or anything ๐Ÿ™‚ )!

  11. On December 29th, 2013 at 7:56 pm Dufmanno Says:

    Thank god I can finally fire the disgruntled Gardner they had pruning the weeds around your place in your absence.
    It was a bit too Peter Sellers in Being There.

  12. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Would you believe it if I told you that I missed my blog every day? Sounds fucking crazy, right?

  13. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:01 pm abandoning eden Says:

    How is Amelia?

  14. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Good question! I’ll get to answering that STAT. And will you please write for me? I miss your voice so much.

  15. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:15 pm Joan Whiteford Says:

    I’m Anne’s mom in Seattle.

  16. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Nice to meet you again! You’re seriously an inspiration to me.

  17. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:15 pm Kate Says:

    YES you need to bring back Go Ask Aunt Becky! I still find myself looking forward to it every Sunday, even though you haven’t done one in eleventy-fiver months. I need your assvice!

  18. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ooooh! Send me a question! I think it’s time to bring the old girl out from storage and revamp her ๐Ÿ™‚

  19. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:17 pm Andrea Says:

    Love and adore you. And I am so very happy to see you back. xo

  20. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Girl, you know how much I heart you? A ZILLION! I finally feel like it’s time to be all EYE OF THE TIGER about it – I had to wait for my heart and head to catch up. I’ve missed blogging so, so much.

  21. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:20 pm amy Says:


  22. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s just time. I want blogging to make a comeback – REAL blogging. I hope you’ll consider writing for me.

  23. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:23 pm Beth Says:

    HELL YES YOU’RE BACK! I’m sure you’ve heard that before, frankly. But I’m still psyched. I have several blogs because I’m OCD and it all has to be organized, damn it. (life, writing, the universe, and lots of random shit like guys and gals I think are pretty) (art, yo!) (my kickass baby boy… okay, okay, he’s a toddler)

  24. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I love, love, love! how organized you are. Can I borrow you to organize my stuffs?

  25. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:43 pm Amber Says:

    Hooray for blogging mojo! I need some. Can you send it my way? Seriously missed your smart assedness in my blog feed. I use feedly. It’s okay. And HELL YES to the Go Ask Aunt Becky.

    If you want to add my sorry ass blog back in, it’s It’s not dead. Just on life support (I miss it every day too).

  26. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Girlllll! I missed the crap outta you! Try my most recent post – it’s a meme! That’s a nice easy way to get back into blogging.

  27. On December 29th, 2013 at 8:46 pm Kimmad Says:

    Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyy! Missed you so much!

    That is all.

  28. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:34 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I missed YOU! Thanks for sticking by me through all the bullshit.

  29. On December 29th, 2013 at 9:05 pm Debi Says:

    Glad you are back!!!

  30. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Ooooh! I gotta get my new feed reader ready. I’ll add you to my blogroll!

  31. On December 29th, 2013 at 9:09 pm Cindy DuBois Says:

    Because of you and your funny, honest, wonderful blogging world I am going to launch my blog in the next day or two. I’m fortynineteen, divorced, childless-by-choice, an aging hippy/yuppie/critical theorist. I think I have something to say. First, Welcome Back. Second, I’ve really missed you. and Third, I love you to pieces.

  32. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    DOOO ITTTT! I’ve missed you too! When you start blogging, throw me a linkage so I can blogroll the crap out of your blog.

  33. On December 29th, 2013 at 10:14 pm Cookie Says:

    Well hello stranger. I was just talking about you last night to my daughter. I said, “I wonder what ever happened to Aunt Becky?” She throws me this look like I was stupid. I said, “You know – Becky – Aunt Becky. Mommy Wants Vodka?” She says, “I don’t know WHAT the hell you are talking about.” I’m like, “Really?” I KNOW she was the one that introduced you to me!! I KNOW she was!!! But, if she wants to Gaslight me, then ok. Anyway. Glad you’re back!

  34. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:36 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Thank GOD she doesn’t know. I should have an over 18 policy or something. Also: I missed YOU!

  35. On December 29th, 2013 at 10:40 pm Beki Says:

    Missed the blog, when you get an RSS reader, please let me know too.

    I have an AAB!!
    I haven’t updated my daughter’s blog since her first birthday…got busy, her aunt’s cancer was evil, then better, then evil again, her granddad died, shit happens. But I know what you mean by missing it. Does one pick up a blog after dropping it for over a year, and how??

  36. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You can totally pick it back up again – if you liked doing it. Just make the time for it and it’ll be amazing. I’m going to try because it’s LIKE my old reader, so it will make me happy in the pants.

  37. On December 29th, 2013 at 11:20 pm Kristin Says:

    I am so fucking glad you are back!

    Any new tats?

  38. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:37 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I needed to come back. For me. I couldn’t leave this chapter out of my life.

  39. On December 30th, 2013 at 5:43 am Stacey Lynn Says:

    Welcome back! I’m so glad to see you blogging again! How’s the new job? I like feedly as a rss reader. It’ll import your old Google feeds. I’d give you my blog feed but it’s 6am and I am 90 minutes into a 17 hour drive and typing on my phone which I suck at. I’m too old for this tiny keyboard shit, but I love you so I’m dealing. Anyway my blog is
    I look forward to seeing more of your awesomeness

  40. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Feedly, huh? I’m between that one and

  41. On December 30th, 2013 at 6:49 am Jolie Says:

    FINALLY! You complete me, my little minion.

  42. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:38 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Awww, shucks, girl.

  43. On December 30th, 2013 at 7:29 am Kerry Ann @Vinobaby's Voice Says:

    It LIVES! Ahem. I meanโ€”welcome back! Everyone was getting far too P.C. and touchy-feely out here in the blogosphere. Save us.

  44. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s time to drop the bullshit and get back into telling it like it IS, right? (P.S. You gotta help me)

  45. On December 30th, 2013 at 7:33 am JD @ Honest Mom Says:

    Yay! You’re back! Rock on, lady.

    I like BlogLovin for keeping up with blogs.

    And my blog is I blog about raising daughters, being a working mom, and managing depression. I’m not a humor writer but sometimes I can give you a giggle.

    Happy Monday. I’m off to debate if it’s still the holiday season and of my coffee deserves some Baileys.

  46. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:39 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You SO deserve some Bailey’s in your coffee. While you’re pouring, here’s my cup.

  47. On December 30th, 2013 at 8:26 am David Says:

    I stopped bloggiing during my Big-D too Aunt Becky. And I’ve yet to truly go back to it. I write now and then, but it just ain’t the same โ€ฆ yet. It’s only been 2 years though. Ha! I did make up a new, totes anonymous and untraceable blog, where I wrote DURING the whole War of the Roses nightmare, but apparently it was so stealth no one read it. So it was a rowing success as all my other blogs.

    I’m just glad you’re back. Now if you can find me someone to buy my motherfucking house I”ll make sure you never find your pants again, or want to.

  48. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:40 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha. I think the Big D makes a lot of people shut the fuck up because you never know when something you didn’t mean THAT way got taken THIS way and you’re now scrambling around to prove what you REALLY meant.

    Ugh. Makes my head spin.

  49. On December 30th, 2013 at 8:47 am cyreks Says:

    Missed reading your shit. I haven’t written much either lately. I’m not very good at the writing thing. Feel free to come visite at
    You’re on my blog roll btw ๐Ÿ™‚

  50. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:41 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    GIRL! I think about you lots (not in a creepers way). I’ll get you on my blogroll and my fancy new feed reader (once I can stop debating which one to use).

  51. On December 30th, 2013 at 9:39 am NTE Says:

    So glad you’re back! So glad you’re feeling like writing again – I know how those writing-less periods can be hard.

  52. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I honestly felt like I was drowning – I couldn’t write but I couldn’t NOT write. It sucked balls. I’m SO glad to be back! I couldn’t commit to it until I knew I was ready, and then BAM! it hit me: it was time.

  53. On December 30th, 2013 at 9:47 am pbpdesigns Says:

    So glad you’re back!
    I only have one question: Who is the ONE person who voted ‘NO’ on bringing back GAAB?
    oh, and how’s your coffee maker?

  54. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:42 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha. I think we’ll be doing Go Ask Aunt Becky again. Why? WHY NOT?

  55. On December 30th, 2013 at 11:00 am nic Satterthwaite Says:

    I am so glad your back!!! Let me know what you decide n a reader. I’m in the same boat…

  56. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Debating Feedly vs. I know, FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS, right?

  57. On December 30th, 2013 at 11:44 am Cynthia Medina Says:

    Better than rainbow unicorn poop with sprinkles – WB AB ๐Ÿ™‚

  58. On December 30th, 2013 at 12:43 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    OMG. Nothing is better than sprinkles. Except my Pranksters.

  59. On January 17th, 2014 at 9:19 pm random cowbell guy Says:

    Nothin better than havin’ AB back amongst us. Was sad in the pants when you stopped but totally understood and hoped you’d find your way home to your pranksters again. Welcome home AB we are delighted you came back.

  60. On December 30th, 2013 at 2:39 pm Joannie Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky! I found you years ago and have secretly stalked you since. I went through a divorce at the exact same SECOND as you and thought about you more than you know (not in a weird way, unless weird means praying for/sending positive vibes to someone you’ve never met and with whom you have never communicated). I am a bandmate (!) and I am THRILLED that stalking you will now be easier here.

  61. On December 30th, 2013 at 2:55 pm Cass@frugalfamily Says:

    Well I didn’t follow your blog before but I’m pleased I’ve found you now and that you’ve decided to come back as it sounds like I’m going to enjoy reading your posts. Welcome Back x x

  62. On December 30th, 2013 at 3:33 pm Janet Says:

    Welcome back, Aunt Becky!

    Add me to your blogroll!

  63. On December 30th, 2013 at 3:35 pm steph gas Says:

    who the everlivingfuck voted NO for ‘go ask aunt becky’?? there were two of you! poppycock.

    i’ve missed you so much. i have also been a poor blogger on and off this year with the move and the school and the jobs and the quitting jobs and the medical shite going on… ugh. anyway, so, you know. stuff. is my blog. i can’t remember why i’m putting it in here, but i feel like you requested it. did you? my mind these days…

  64. On December 30th, 2013 at 6:48 pm kelley @ magnetoboldtoo Says:

    oh sweetie, it sucks when there is so much to say but you can’t.

    I am proud of you. x

  65. On December 31st, 2013 at 10:29 am Tiffany Says:

    Hooray! You’re back!

    I recommend Feedly, it’s working well for me and I like the no-nonsense layout.

    My blog is Snerkology, been around since 2000.

    MMMMWAH, dahling.

  66. On December 31st, 2013 at 2:19 pm Heidi Says:

    Sooo happy that you’re back! I found your blog back in 2009(?) during a really tough time and I could always count on you to make me laugh. Things are much better now but I still miss you. Thanks for the opportunity to self promote…our blog is
    We’re restoring a 100 year old former country store and blogging about our adventure!

  67. On January 1st, 2014 at 11:39 am Karin Says:

    Welcome back! It seems several of us have come out of stagnation this week. It feels good to be back and see familiar faces! Now that Google Reader has died, I’m very begrudgingly trying to accept feedly into my life. Meh. Anyway….. Away we go!

  68. On January 1st, 2014 at 9:16 pm Jennifer McCullough Says:

    I am SOOO glad you are back Aunty Becky! You inspired me to start blogging and you were my very first Twitter follower. I lost my Twitginity to you and you probably didn’t even realize it! You rock star you! I’m sure that sounds incredibly creepy, but I don’t care…I’m just so darn happy you’re back!!!!! I’m telling all my friends.
    My blog is

  69. On January 2nd, 2014 at 1:28 am Vee Says:

    I just wrote an entirely huge comment and then when I tried to post it I got this message saying “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.” Am gobsmacked. Anyhoo, I lost my comment which is probably a good thing. The gist of it thought is welcome back and I have 2 blogs and, the latter helped me through a really bad time in my life and the other one is totally boring esp compared to yours. Just wanted to say welcome back and I am using the Old Reader as well.

  70. On January 2nd, 2014 at 12:52 pm Becky Mochaface Says:


    I used The Old Reader at first but then they pussed out. Now I use feedly. Only thing I have against it is I can’t figure out how to add new feeds to it in that I’ve followed the steps they say to add a new feed but it never fucking adds. WHY IS THAT, FEEDLY?

  71. On May 1st, 2014 at 2:17 pm Mommiebear2 Says:

    So happy you are back!! Add me to your blog roll pretty please!!! =)

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