Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Happy Father’s Day. Don’t Send These Cards Unless You Want To Be Cut Out Of The Will. In Which Case, Send Away And Give Me Your Part Of The Cash.








because obviously


20 Comments to

“Happy Father’s Day. Don’t Send These Cards Unless You Want To Be Cut Out Of The Will. In Which Case, Send Away And Give Me Your Part Of The Cash.”

  1. On June 17th, 2011 at 11:25 am Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] Says:

    I peed at “it’s not lemonade, it’s pee.”

  2. On June 17th, 2011 at 11:30 am Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    See, those are nice and all but I need something I can give to my father who is living with my very poor family completely rent and utility free but who claims we owe him hundreds/thousands (he has receipts!) because he buys my boys apples and the rest of us ice cream on occasion even though we have specifically told him not to. Is there a card for THAT?


  3. On June 17th, 2011 at 11:48 am Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    Happy father’s day, daddy! To show you my appreciation I’m going to let you continue to live here rent/utility free even though I’m currently struggling to make ends meet (husband is disabled, legally, collects SSI and uses it to cover rent but that only leaves about 2$ in his check so everything else is ME) while 28 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and struggling through said pregnancy so bad I REALLY should NOT be working. But you know, continue to sit in your room all day every day on the internet “trying to make money in penny stocks” instead of going out into the real world and getting a job, or even the disability that you might qualify for.

    P.S. Since I’ve been out of work for over a week now due to something very painful called Sciatica that makes it so I can’t even stand up at all at times, much less for 8 hours straight, we are probably losing our cable and therefore internet. Sorry bout that, daddy. But I’m doing everything I can to get back to work ASAP so I can continue to support everyone.

    Ok, I’ll stop now.

    (Oh, and we can actually afford the 3rd, mostly, when I’m able to work the full 40 hours a week I usually work. I’m just not currently physically capable of that. There is some complicated math involved in the ability to afford this third, but she actually fixes a couple of problems. Like the ability to get a raise without my husband losing most of his SSI. They take 2$ from him, for every 1$ I make over a certain point. That certain point is still well under the poverty level. But they do take into account household size. I don’t like working the system except for the fact the system is BROKEN and that’s BULLSHIT.)

    Ok, for reals… I’m done now.

  4. On June 17th, 2011 at 11:43 am Tershbango Says:

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    The lemonade image quite made my day! 🙂

  5. On June 17th, 2011 at 12:52 pm Megaboo Says:

    I love the I’m so glad you did not use birth control one 🙂 it really hit home.

    Why don’t you make your own greeting cards we can buy? I would buy the shit out of them. Think of all the uncrustables and hot dogs you could buy with all the money you would make. Please AB? Aunt Becky greeting cards we can mail to people would make my life complete!!!!!

  6. On June 17th, 2011 at 1:08 pm Angie H Says:

    My favorite Father’s Day card is one I created myself for my ex. It said, “Happy Father’s Day and congratulations on the baby you made with that other woman while we were still together!”

    Another one of those things I found funny that wasn’t received well. 😀

  7. On June 17th, 2011 at 3:33 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    Hallmark better watch it’s back, yo.

  8. On June 17th, 2011 at 3:33 pm Erin@MommyontheSpot Says:

    Also, I think you should do a Room of Your Own at BlogHer and do a seminar on these cards. I don’t know. Just a thought.

  9. On June 17th, 2011 at 7:48 pm Kristin Says:


  10. On June 17th, 2011 at 7:49 pm Kristin Says:

    You have a seriously twisted and weirdly wonderful sense of humor.

  11. On June 18th, 2011 at 11:03 am Penbleth Says:

    These are fabulous. Sure to be a hit.

  12. On June 18th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Wenchy Says:

    LOVE! You really should consider your own line of AB Cards. Think of all the Hot Dogs you could frolic through prairie fields with. 😉

  13. On June 18th, 2011 at 1:56 pm linlah Says:

    I think those are all appropriate for any dad out there.

  14. On June 18th, 2011 at 5:10 pm Jen Says:

    I like the balls on the desk and the pee/lemonade. VERY funny. I also liked Angie H’s card – perfect!!

  15. On June 18th, 2011 at 5:24 pm Stacey Says:

    Have you seen the selection of actual Father’s Day cards out there? They suck. You need to break into that market.

  16. On June 18th, 2011 at 8:08 pm Joker_SATX Says:

    First off, I lust you! I am stealing each and every one of these from you. ROTFLMAO!

  17. On June 18th, 2011 at 9:22 pm Michele Says:

    Obviously the woman with the lemonade got the water for it from that reservoir in Oregon. Drink up!

  18. On June 19th, 2011 at 8:38 am steph gas Says:

    aunt motherfucking becky, you’ve outdone yourself *again*. i’m totes printing out the ‘thanks-for-not-using-birth-control’ one for my dad. it’s funny because i was the result the FIRST TIME my parents had sex without using a method of birth control. which was actually on father’s day. even funnier because my brother was conceived while a diaphragm and condom were in use.

    funny in a ‘ha-ha’ kind of way, i guess. well, to me at least. it’s like my brother was meant to be born, prophylactics be damned! this baby’s gettin’ made and ain’t nothing your genitals or use of birth control can do about it!!

  19. On June 20th, 2011 at 4:14 am Wagthedad Says:

    Anybody have any suggestions for somebody who FORGOT it was Father’s Day? It’s not my fault, I live in another country and for some reason THEIR father’s day was last week, and so I had father’s day all checked off my list.

    On that note, now that I think about it, I didn’t get jack for my father’s day. No card, no kiss, no kid thanking me my boys can swim, no beer. WTF is that.

    OK, now I know that I can weasel into a Monday night out. YES!

  20. On June 20th, 2011 at 9:42 am Denise Says:

    Those are hilarious. You always find the best stuff.

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