Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Happier Than a Tween at a Jonas Brothers Concert


(phone rings)

Aunt Becky: (breathless) “Oh. My. GOOOOOOOD!”

The Daver: “What?”

Aunt Becky: “You’re not going to BELIEEEEVVVEEEEEE IT!!!”

The Daver: “Uh, what?”


The Daver: “Did an Uncrustables Truck break down in our driveway?”

Aunt Becky: “No! BETTER.”

The Daver: “Did you get contacted to write for Dexter next season?”

Aunt Becky: “Even cooler!”

The Daver: “Did you get a check for a million dollars that you DIDN’T have to pay back at 99.9% interest?”

Aunt Becky: “Nope! Guess again!”

The Daver: “Did you get your own Lifetime Original Movie where Tori Spelling would play you?”

Aunt Becky: “NO!”

The Daver: “Did you finally design a working robot monkey butler named Mr. Pinchey you’ve been carefully planning out for 3 years?”

Aunt Becky: “Not yet! Soon Mr. Pinchey will be MINE!”

The Daver: “Did you find out McDonald’s was actually good for you?”

Aunt Becky: “My ass wishes!”

The Daver: “Did you finish the Panic Room you’ve started in the treehouse?”

Aunt Becky: “Still trying to lug the lead doors up the trunk!”

The Daver: “Did you finally teach the cats to dance?”

Aunt Becky: “They’re getting a little funky fresh, but not yet!”

The Daver: “Did you find a way for our whites to get even whiter?”

Aunt Becky: “I miss Billy Motherfucking Mays.”

The Daver: “Did you find a source of non-addictive Vicodin?”

Aunt Becky: “That’s on my agenda for the weekend.”

The Daver: “Then I give up.”


The Daver: “Wow. Must be quite an email.”

Aunt Becky: “It was from someone I’d been meaning to email for AGES. And SHE emailed ME first.”

The Daver: “Okay.”


The Daver: “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky (sings): “OH HAPPY DAY!”

Aunt Becky: “This is huge! Do you even know why!?! I’LL TELL YOU WHY. You know how Mimi has an encephalocele, right? That’s a neural tube defect. The Spina Bifida Association is a BIG DEAL for people with Spina Bifida! Spina BIFIDA is another NEURAL TUBE DEFECT!”

The Daver: “Yep!”

Aunt Becky: “They want to work with me to raise some awareness for Spina Bifida, which DUH, of course I’ll do. If Mimi’s encephalocele had been farther down her spine, it would have BEEN Spina Bifida, right? OF COURSE I’LL HELP ANY NEURAL TUBE DEFECT SOCIETY.”

The Daver: “Of course!”

Aunt Becky: “But this is exactly what we’re going to do with the encephalocele website we’re putting together. It’ll be for parents of kids with encephaloceles. There are so few of us out there, but still, we deserve a big website, too. IT MAKES ME SO UPSET THAT WE HAVE NOTHING, DAVE. But anyway.”

(breathes deeply)

Aunt Becky: “MAYBE THE SPINA BIFIDA ASSOCIATION WILL WORK WITH ME SOMEDAY! The March of Dimes is already thrilled about our website! And I have some of the top neurologists in the country waiting for us to get it all put together.”

The Daver: “Yay!”


The Daver: “If anyone can make that happen, it’ll be you.”

Aunt Becky: “We’re going to do this. Katie, Nikki and I. We’re going to do this.”

The Daver: “You will. And it will help so many people.”

Aunt Becky: “This is better than the time I mixed Count Chocula and Frankenberry Cereal. Now I’m off to call the Spina Bifida Association.”

The Daver: “Okay.”

Aunt Becky: “I’ll try not to sound like a creepy fangirl.”

The Daver: “Good luck. Because you kinda are a creepy fangirl.”


Charity posts. ICE CREAM. DO IT, yo!

55 Comments to

“Happier Than a Tween at a Jonas Brothers Concert”

  1. On October 8th, 2010 at 11:47 am Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    That you could be a creepy fangirl for the Spina Bifida association is just one of the many ways in which you rock, darling woman.

    Cause other people just can’t find the glam there.

    It takes a special sorta woman.

    If you know what I mean.

  2. On October 8th, 2010 at 11:59 am a Says:

    Wow! That is better than the robot monkey butler! Guess that SEO shit really works…


  3. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:02 pm Cheryl Says:

    I’m doing my own squealy fan girl dance up here for you! That’s just too cool. Way too cool. In fact it’s the coolest damn thing I’ve read all day.

    Where are the photos?

  4. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:02 pm Sara @ Life With the Two Says:


    I say be a creepy fangirl. You gotta own that shit!

    (Also? I’d much rather you be a creepy fangirl of the Spina Bifida Association than say, Justin Beaver…even though I still haven’t heard a single song of hers…I love Europe.)

  5. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:03 pm Roccie Says:

    I get it.

    Rock the fuck outta that change.

  6. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:04 pm CycleNinja Says:

    It’s official: Spina Bifida has no chance against you. I mean, look at what you did to John C. Mayer.

  7. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:09 pm stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    yeah you can be kind of a creepy fan girl, but an ENTHUSIASTIC creepy fan girl, which sort of mitigates some of the creepy.

    Frankenberry and Count Chocula? OMG! We were never allowed to have both in the house at the same time so the idea never occurred to me. (mom only let one ‘junk’ cereal in the house at a time). But now that I am a grown up I think I may just have to try that. Sometime when I am sure my mom won’t be stopping by for a visit & look in the cupboards. She’d say she was disappointed in me and that is still a killer even though I am 43.

  8. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:13 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    Holy cow, Batman! This is completely and totally kewl! (Which is cooler than cool.) And you totally deserve it. Obviously, they recognize a great creepy fangirl when the read the ravings of one. 🙂

  9. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:21 pm beta dad Says:

    I’m sure that the Spina Bifida association is totally used to out-of-control teeny-boppers freaking out whenever they leave the confines of their Malibu compound. They’ll understand.

    For realz, though, they would be idiots not to appreciate your enthusiasm and hardcore-ness.

  10. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:34 pm Kristin Says:

    LMAO this is hilarious. I LOVE your and Daver’s conversations they remind me so much of my husband and I.

    YAY CONGRATS on being chosen to help Spina Bifida Association!! You deserve it.

    And Mr. Pinchey GENIUS simply Genius. I too want a Monkey Butler not sure about Robot though they scare me. I’m a freak.

    And there is nothing creepy about being a fangirl, I am such a creepy fangirl of yours LOL. Hence why we’re BFF’s now. Haha.

  11. On October 8th, 2010 at 12:45 pm andygirl Says:


    Tori Spelling wouldn’t play you in the movie. you’re much prettier than Tori.

  12. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:10 pm Brandi Cortes Says:

    I’m still new to this. I’m not creepy fangirl…right?! 😀

  13. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:17 pm Mommy on the Spot Says:

    That is awesome! I agree with what a says – no neural tube defect can survive you and your superhero internet powers. You ROCK!

  14. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:22 pm SharleneT Says:

    This is fantastic news… You rock, for sure, girl!… And, you know what, you have what it takes to make this an incredible journey for all families with Spina Bifida children… {{{HUGS}}}

  15. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:24 pm vickilikesfrogs Says:

    Hey, those spin bifada people read blogs too and one of them is MOTHERFUCKING SMART cuz she reads YOU! And, hey, there’s totally nothing wrong with being a creepy fangirl. Just look how many creepy fangirls YOU have, milady, and you just call us PRANKSTERS and love on us!

  16. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:30 pm thenextmartha Says:

    What you got against Boo Berry? Great job.

  17. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    I love that you’re a creepy fan girl for the Spina Bifida Association. Congrats on what is sure to be a most awesome of teh awesomest blogger/association relationship type things ever. So proud of you!

  18. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:35 pm Betty M Says:

    More proof of your indefatigable awesomeness.

  19. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:41 pm Wicked Shawn Says:

    That’s so fucking awesome!! Way to get the attention brought to the forefront!!

    P.S. I hope the tree you’re putting the panic room in is really sturdy, mine fell straight through the first story floor and into the basement. Those buggers take a buttload of re-enforcement

  20. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:47 pm Melissa Says:

    Completely awesome! Great job. YOU make a difference.

  21. On October 8th, 2010 at 1:56 pm Queen of the Rant Says:

    CONGRATS Becky!

  22. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:01 pm Rob Says:

    Not that this may be the appropriate response, but Uncrustables are a food I’ve decided simply doesn’t exist. Otherwise I’d be conveyed around on a dolly and was myself with a rag on a stick.

  23. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:04 pm StacieT Says:

    Awesome news! Way to go!

  24. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:11 pm Paige Morgan Says:

    You are amazing! I found your blog a couple of months ago and thought it was hilarious. Now I love you (in a non-creepy way) because of the work you do for others. I joined Band Back Together today and my heart is fuller. Congratulations on the email and I am inspired by what you are doing with your blog fame, wit and pure heart!

  25. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:35 pm KYouell Says:

    Said it yesterday on Twitter, but wanted to add to the vibe: Woo! Rock on!

    And to help with the SEO-ness I add: Spinal Bifida Association, SBA, John C. Mayer, Val E. Kilmer (I’m still going to write that post), encephalocele, neural tube defect, and Spina Bifida Association.


  26. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:45 pm Deidra Says:

    Panic room in the treehouse, lol!

    Congratulations! Raising awareness is a different matter entirely when you’re working with an association like that, I’m sure!

  27. On October 8th, 2010 at 2:59 pm Ms. Ranty Pants herself Says:

    I love it that you are off-the-charts, crazy-excited about doing something that can help so many people. I love the fact that you’re darn right crazy but with a big heart.

  28. On October 8th, 2010 at 3:37 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:

    Damn right, Aunt Becky. Though the million dollars would be sweet.

  29. On October 8th, 2010 at 4:04 pm Brooke Says:

    I’ve given up trying to figure out if the conversations between you and Dave are actually real. I choose to believe they are. They probably are. No, they are. Congrats on kicking Spina Bifida Ass! Also, if you need help putting a restroom in your treehouse panic room, let me know.

  30. On October 8th, 2010 at 4:34 pm Kristin Says:

    You fucking ROCK Aunt Becky! I love your creepy fangirl enthusiasm.

  31. On October 8th, 2010 at 4:48 pm Barbara Says:

    Squeeeee! That’s amazing!

  32. On October 8th, 2010 at 5:25 pm Didactic Pirate Says:

    Despite the fact that you were totally teasing me with the idea that you had a robot monkey breakthrough (I was seriously excited about that, and you jerk me around — not cool, man), I say congratulations on being a creepy fangirl for a great cause! Very awesome!

  33. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:30 pm Andra Says:

    This is freaking awesome! Bringing a resource to parents/families that as of now does not exist. You rock!
    and, if you ever teach your cats how to dance, let me know…. Mine arent getting it down at all….. Also, Tori Spelling? ugh….. They will have to find someone way better….

    Whats wrong with being a creepy fangirl? Look how many you have stalking the internet…..

  34. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:37 pm KaraB Says:

    A couple of years ago, I was having some back issues and had an x-ray done and was referred to a specialist. He checked out my x-ray and said well it looks like Spina Bifida Occulta, we’ll have an MRI done and kind of blew me off. I remember thinking “Spina what?” and since he was done with me, I raced home to google the crap out of it. I had no idea what it was, if I was ok or if I should start worrying. Needless to say, finding a place with information that isn’t in greek to us laypeople (does that make sense?) is hard to come by. Since I’m a tiny bit OCD I researched the crap out of it to give myself an understanding of Spina Bifida and other NTD’s. I’m grateful for the work the Spina Bifida Association does, and what you do, Aunt Becky, to help get the word out about this and to help people understand a little better. It’s still scary, but understanding it and knowing you aren’t alone helps a lot. So Thank You!

  35. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    TONS of people have SBO. Crazy, no? It’s generally not diagnosed until you’re older and it’s often not until it’s caught alongside something else. WILD!

    NTD’s UNITE! We can bring some awareness to this shit! Autism doesn’t need ALL the funding.

  36. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:45 pm Diane Says:

    Love you, love the Daver, love Capt’n Crunch……just love what you do….keep it rollin’.

    If you ever want to help me create a support group for “Moms of babies born with transposition of the great arteries, had open heart surgery at four days old, and are now annoying 16 year olds BOYS”, bring it on.

    I do love him. (on most days….not today – found chewing tobacco in his toilet.) I purposfully did not go to a big (whatever) rivalry (whatever) football game because I want to be alone…went into his bathroom to happily grab his dirty towels….wish I hadn’t. Emailed hubby and said ‘wtf…make sure he comes home with you because he has a bathroom to clean.’)

    Sorry – is this not the Friday Night Wine Drinking PR Mom Bitch Blog?

    Later….my wine is calling.

  37. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    BRING IT OVER TO BB2G. I have a “Heart Babies” categories. I think that’ll fall in there somewhere. Heh.

  38. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:47 pm Angie Says:

    Okay, no one in my household has recovered from the Count Chockula Meets Frankenberry Revelation, but this is BIG, Aunt Becky! I am so proud of you. Thank you for being the person who can make us all laugh our asses off AND remind us to Do Good Work for Things We Believe In (Or Else). Baby, yer the greatest.

  39. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:55 pm Becca Says:

    Outstanding!! You rock!! 🙂

  40. On October 8th, 2010 at 6:55 pm Becca Says:

    Outstanding!! You rock!! 🙂

  41. On October 8th, 2010 at 7:47 pm Losing Brownies Says:

    That is amazing! :o)

    There should be more creepy fan girls for these orginazations!

  42. On October 8th, 2010 at 11:54 pm LindsayLu Says:

    Aww, awesome Aunt Becky!

    I’m stoked in a fangirl, JoBros way for you!

  43. On October 9th, 2010 at 12:58 am GingerB Says:

    Aw, I love you.

  44. On October 9th, 2010 at 7:59 am Suniverse Says:

    You are fucking awesome. Seriously. If I knew where you lived I’d give you a big makeout type smooch.

    This is spectacular.

  45. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:22 am Dr. Cynicism Says:

    I’m totally happy for you! Congrats on your new collaboration; excited to see where it’s headed 🙂

    On another note, I was hoping that you and Mr. Pinchy would be contributing to another season of Dexter in some way.

  46. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:37 am Jeanette Says:

    Awesome!! I have read your blog for a year or so now and I started reading because you are f’n high-larious! But I KEEP reading because you inspire me to do good things. You rock Aunt Becky and you will do great things with this new endeavor!!

  47. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:37 am Jeanette Says:

    Awesome!! I have read your blog for a year or so now and I started reading because you are f’n high-larious! But I KEEP reading because you inspire me to do good things. You rock Aunt Becky and you will do great things with this new endeavor!!

  48. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:51 am MannyRee Says:

    Way cool, Aunt Becky.

  49. On October 9th, 2010 at 8:54 am Gadgerson Says:

    Awesomeness covered in awesome sauce with awesome sprinkles on top!! Congrats!!

  50. On October 9th, 2010 at 5:21 pm linlah Says:

    Yea and yea again.

  51. On October 9th, 2010 at 6:45 pm Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation Says:

    Amazing!! Congrats!

  52. On October 9th, 2010 at 6:49 pm Martina Says:

    That’s wonderful!! I’ve only been reading you for a short time but have noticed how passionate you are about this … and hey if creepy fan girl works do it 😉

  53. On October 9th, 2010 at 10:13 pm Tracey Says:

    Back the truck up! Tell me more about this Count Chocula-Frankenberry concoction.

    I’ve been a long time lurker – this is my first post. It took Count Chocula to get me out of the background =D

    Congrats on the gig. I have no doubt you will rock it=)

  54. On October 10th, 2010 at 11:04 am Tracy Says:

    I absolutely love how The Daver actually GUESSES that many times before he gives up! It MUST be true love!

    And Congrats Aunt Becky! This is awesome news!!

  55. On October 10th, 2010 at 7:06 pm Sharon Says:

    If you and The Daver break up, can I have him? I know the fact that I am not into men could be an obstacle, but The Daver and I could overcome that.

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