Gusty Bags Of Wind
Under the best of circumstances, I sleep like a hot bag of dicks. No, I don’t actually know what that’s supposed to mean because I’m tired.
It’s not like I lay awake worrying about things like normal people. No, I lay awake night after night with that Do-Do-Do-Do A Dollop of Daisy commercial going through my head. Or the Dora the motherfucking EXPLORER theme song. It’s an endless loop of irritation that seems to inflict the maximum amount of annoyance for the minimum amount of effort.
Last night, however, in a blissful turn of events, I was tired. Like bone-tired.
Happily, I curled up like a tic in my blankets and prepared for the blissful embrace of sleep to overtake me.
THUNK-THUNK-THUNK
Whaaaa?
I pried my eyelids open and sat up, dismayed. It sounded as though someone was rattling the door, trying to get in. Probably my cat, I grumbled, as I got up, preparing to boot him down the stairs.
Opening the door and squinting into the bright lights of the hallway, I was shocked to see…nothing. No orange tabby stupidly looking up at me as if to say, “What, me annoying?” Harumphing my way back to bed, I once again curled up like a bedbug and closed my eyes. Just as I was munching my way to dreamland on a delicious marshmallow sandwich…
THWAP THWAP THWAP
What the fuck?
Again, no dazed-looking orange cat, no NOTHING in the hallway. Just a rattling door.
After the fifteenth time, I’d had enough. I wasn’t going to let any rattling door distract me from my delicious marshmallow mountain-top slumber. So I carefully turned myself into a nice fire hazard and pushed a number of things against my door.
It worked…sort of.
All night, my bedroom door rattled, the windows shook, and every time I fell asleep, THWAP THUNK THWAP
Finally, at 7 in the motherhumping morning, while the kids slept peacefully (lucky assholes), I heard the ominous sirens.
Thar be tornadoes afoot.
Grabbing the small ‘ens, my iPhone and a Diet Coke (you know, the ESSENTIALS), we headed to the basement.
This is what I pulled up from Weather.com, after typing in my zip code (I live in Chicago):
Gee fucking, THANKS. I need to think about ITALY now.
Then, I noticed this priceless bit of information. I mean, I couldn’t live without this at 7 in the morning when I was stuck in the basement waiting for a twister to suck me up and dump me off in Kansas somewhere:
We can find out about the fish. And what they’re doing today. PHEW.
WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FISH!?!?
And then there was THIS gem:
If you’re in the fucking tornado, why are you uploading shit to YouTube?
Douchebag.
Then, I was happy in the pants to note SOMEONE had finally busted out the Scare Tactics. FINALLY. Fucking FINALLY.
It wasn’t quite “Stairway to DANGER” but it was good enough for me.
Then, the tornado looked for more mobile homes to uproot. Sensing that St. Charles did not, perhaps, have any, it moved on.
But we’ve been left with a Gusty Bags of Wind Alert.
Which pretty much means that shit can get fucked up most of the day.
Also: by the end of this, Kansas may not be in Kansas any more.
You could have met the Lollipop Guild. I always wanted to meet the Lollipop Guild. You know. For the giant lollipop.
I don’t miss Chicago winters. I don’t miss Chicago tornadoes. I do miss the Taste of Chicago though.
I’m in FL. It’s going to hit 90 today. I’d *almost* rather deal with tornado alerts than 90 fucking degrees at the end of October.
I feel your pain. Here in the ark-la-tex, it is almost 90 degrees. And humid. While I am shopping for a Halloween costume.
Sounds like you need the 2-liter Diet Coke for this one!
Hope y’all are ok!!
I was excited to find out that while tornado sirens went off all over the place, the siren located directly behind our house never went off this morning. So I was blissfully unaware of the danger we were in, until I drove all the way to work.
I dealt with the same thump-thump-thwak all night here in Green Bay; it’s still going on right now. Oh! There go my redneck neighbor’s garbage bin flying cheerfully down the street! Fun fun!
I like sleep. Not too sure about a hot bag of dicks though. Maybe a bag of dildos with batteries included. Probably that would be more useful than random unattached dicks in a hot bag. Might help me get some sleep too.
Are the fish advised to seek shelter? Where would that be exactly?
i grew up in new york, where we don’t have to deal with tornadoes really. like ever. i now live in central florida, apparently near stacey, since it is going to be 90 where i am today as well. and it’s almost fucking NOVEMBER.
plus we get tornadoes near enough to our house that i am terrified of life. which is why we’re moving back to new york. i’d prefer to live with the ice storms, nor’easters, snow, and blizzards than the fucking 9 months of summer and tornadoes in the general vicinity.
Yep, I’m in central FL too. In the land the Mouse built.
same here. eight miles from animal kingdom. you know i have to say it –
IT IS A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL.
*gag*
I probably should point out that up here in western, upstate NY it is currently 73 degrees. Yeah, it’s not 90, but WTF? We get snow on Mother’s Day and now it’s in the 70s when I have a fleece costume for my kid complete with hood for her to wear this year? The weather has had some serious mental problems up here in the past couple of years. Just saying, consider yourself warned. 😀
Also, in “grass is always greener” type wishing, my family would all love to move within 8 miles of Animal Kingdom. I’d gladly trade in the snow and ice and rain and cold for some central Florida sun and heat (even the humidity).
Small world indeed! I work in east Orlando and live up in Altamonte. We’ll be visiting Epcot on Saturday though. My son’s birthday is on halloween and instead of a party he wanted to go to Disney. Out of all 4 parks, he picked Epcot because it has “science stuff” and he wants to eat his way around the world. That’s my boy!
Here in Nebraska we just got the very end of what you were brewing up and it sounded like the shingles were getting peeled back and slapped back on the roof all night. Hello Winter!
Hee hee, you said HOT BAG OF DICKS…
We got winter here this weekend too, snow and wind and ice and my car told me in its own way that it hates winter and doesnt want to start.
The husband and I both called in sick today, because we are, cough cough, sick and dont feel like battling the traffic and winter blech!
AH…I fucking love the crazy storms. I was in a trailer during a tornado. I have driven through a hurricane and I awoke to a 7.1 earthquake in Cali. I swear, God is trying to kill me.
Hope you, your family and your home get through this intact. I live in Southwest Florida and we had a hurricane in 2004. No fatalities in my town, except for some poor guy who decided that he wanted to calm his nerves and went outside to smoke a cigarette. A tree fell on him.
Ah, the ’04 hurricane season. Great memories of back-to-back-to-back storms.
The smoking man should have known that would happen. Those packs have warnings all over them that smoking kills.
I wondered why you weren’t online… I hope you’re okay!! If you have diet coke you should be good for a while, but send up smoke signals if you need me to bring reinforcements. Also, there’s $60/way tickets bos->chicago, so if you survive this, you should come visit after.
Love you betch, hang in there.
All we have here in the NW is rain, and more rain. Later today we might even have some rain. I feel mildewy already.
We have wind advisory here in Minneapolis all day too. And MAYBE snow tomorrow night…
We had that storm last night…I woke up every 2 hours because it sounded like someone was walking through my house. It was just the wind. I don’t know if the sirens went off, but the tornado warning was in the next county south of us (where I work – I was hoping a tornado would take out my office. No such luck). We got 25 minutes of really hard rain…and that was it. Excitement over. 6 hours later, it’s sunny and beautiful.
All I wanna know is how the fish weathered the tornado.
Those motherhumping fish. HOW ARE THE FISH DOING?
WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FISH!?!
Glad you’re okay, diet coke and all.
Thankfully we don’t have to deal with tornados here in Northern California. Just earthquakes which have the decency to NOT announce themselves!
See, that freaks me out more. At least with hurricanes and tornadoes I have warning. I lived in Oregon briefly and they had an earthquake on my birthday. I had no idea what the fuck was going on as I had never experienced one before. I chose to believe it was the universe wishing me a happy birthday.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, Steve Lorenz. Steve Lorenz said: Watch out Dorothy! RT @mommywantsvodka: By the end of this, Kansas may not be in Kansas: http://bit.ly/a128TQ […]
They are forecasting motherfucking snow along with sustained winds of 50 mph. That is not a high wind warning fuckers…that a fucking blizzard.
Of course it is the end of October and what’s a Halloween costume without a puffy coat underneath it?
Please don’t blow away Aunt Becky. What would the world ever do without you?
oh, BY THE WAY aunt motherfucking becky, you have another blog award waiting for you at my place.
Hilarious, thanks for the giggle… I needed that.
The thing is, every time I come here to visit, I have to google some stuff (today’s expression: “hot bag of dicks”) that will bring me on some evil google list permanently. And it’s all your fault. 🙂
Here in Kansas we know the proper procedure when the sirens go off is to run outside and look up…
It was pretty windy last night (I fell asleep with the windows open, luckily someone closed them or I might have been blugeoned to death by the curtains) but I don’t think we got any serious storms.
High Wind Warning in effect up here, too. So far just lots of rain — though it stopped just in time for the school drop-off and commute to work. Glad to hear you are still in IL and haven’t been sucked up into a tornado and relocated to Kansas.
Also, for a time the only song my daughter wanted to hear me sing was that damn Dora song. I will be glad when she outgrows Dora.
April 9, 2009. The night before good Friday. Cross Lake, greater Shreveport area. I am sitting with my better half, watching “Law & Order” when I get a text message from the Weather Channel saying there is a tornado WARNING in Shreveport. No preliminary watches, nothing. Just BLAM a warning that I am about to die. We switch to the local station, where the weatherman is saying “if you live in Blanchard or on Cross Lake, take cover NOW”. The lights went out and it was there.
We hid in the center hallway of our wood frame house with entirely too many plate glass windows and ate carpet while the world exploded around us. BOOM POW BAM and some insane train conductor blowing a train horn nonstop is all I heard as I waited for flying sheets of broken glass to chop off my head. It probably lasted two or three minutes but it felt like six hours.
When the sun finally cam up the next morning, it looked like al Qaeda had been using our neighborhood as a training ground for bombers. I think 8 trees on our wooded peninsula were still standing. Our house was buried under trees, and so was our street. All those people complaining about big government need to tell me where it was when the Red Cross couldn’t get into our neighborhood until Wayne the brick mason, Cindy the stagehand, TC the dock builder, Brian the metal worker, and the rest of the neighborhood banded together to clear the roads.
I now live in East Texas in a class A motor coach–a seriously awesome tour bus. Which means that my heart literally stops beating when I hear the WORD tornado. Because, duh. This past weekend, we were under tornado watches and warnings non-stop. Did I get the fucking text alerts? Of course not. Because, well, obviously. The same Italian was in charge of the warning system that posted the Chicago weather conditions.
Aunt Becky, I hope your house and family survived the gusty bags of wind. Thankfully, my magic bus made it through the weekend unscathed.
ZOMG Al Gore needs to get off his ass and stop molesting massage therapists and fix this WEATHER. Or make a hard-hitting documentary about it. Because seriously, I should NOT be hiding in my basement and watching cows float past the window. In October. Not to mention? It just reminds me that the damnable basement paint isn’t finished and the corner still may or may not smell like cat pee.
People with low self-esteem will get blown away because they aren’t secure! LOL I never would have thought of that, but it’s hilarious.
OMG I laughed so hard at the non secure objects like people with low self esteem, so apparently I can not come to your neck of the woods as I will be airborne.
It’s also windy and tornadoy it’s my word here in Ohio. I am terrified of these things I don’t know why perhaps it has to do with my anxiety.
And now I have the Daisy song stuck in my head for the rest of the mother loving day. And Dora needs to shut her whore mouth.
I would also like to add that The Goats that Faint when scared keep me awake at night they are hilarious. I wrote a blog post about them sorta and about my lack of sleep and maybe soon to be divorce yesterday.
And because I have The OCD and it’s the paranoid kind LOL. I just wanted you to know I wasn’t touting my blog. I was just saying that The Fainting Goats that I thought were Pygmy goats keep me awake at night. And the banana in pajamas song cause apparently once it’s in there it never leaves.
Oh Lawdy Aunt Becky, you do crack me up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im glad the fish were covered.
Tornadoes are just plain scary… We were chased by one in Iowa and barely got off the road, in time. Later newscasts said it was going 35MPH with internal winds of 225MPH! It killed 45 people… We kept driving all the way to Nebraska and our legs were still shaking by the time we got into our rooms… We get a lot of tornado warnings, too, but most seem to pass my neighborhood…
Aunt Becky: I am think of the fish! They go to the bottom and wait out the storm. Most water wave action takes place at the upper surface level down to about 15 inches. Fish go down to the calm water beneath…
Am I the ONLY one who is insanely jealous? I want to see a motherfucking tornado in real life.
Then run of course.
There was a tornado warning in New York about a month ago. We weren’t worried because, well, we’re in New York City. A tornado here is a big gust of wind. However we were visiting my mother-in-law at the time who was freaking out. Her solution was for us to sit in the hallway with the necessary supplies: pizza, flashlights, blankets, zeppoli and lots of wine. I was happy to do this because of the wine. So we sat there in the dark (the electricity was not out, this was a preemptive measure) drinking for a few hours until the warning ended.
So basically I cannot relate to your situation at all. But I do recommend wine if it gets really windy.
I’m in Michigan and every 30 minutes while watching the Today Show, the local news started their broadcast with SEVERE WEATHER DAY intro.
Guess we have gusty bags of wind this way, too. I am having an non-secure day, so I am thinking I may be swept up and dumped somewhere.
I wish a tornado would suck me up out of Kansas and drop me in the middle of somewhere tropical… right now the wind is blowing and gusting, which means that my completely awesome hair day is going to go to crap as soon as I step foot outside to pick my kid up from school.
I’m not sure I could ever get used to sirens and wind and tornados. As a west-coaster through and through I am pretty used to the earthquakes though. When the big one hit in WA a few years back I was in a Sharis (like Perkins kind of) with my friend and we didn’t even blink. The lights were swinging around and everything. We just kind of sat there and watched.
It’s rainy with a chance of rain here now. Likely to be more of the same for the next 6 months or more. Yay.
Thank you! I’m so glad someone else thought that too about the Rice, TX tornado. I live in Dallas and that stupid video has been all over the news lately and all I can think is… why the fuck are you still standing there?? DUMB!
I have no idea what your post is about because I still cannot get over your very first line. Still laughing!
Hope the tornado passes without damage. We really don’t have such things here – everyone still talks about the great storm of 1987 with awe and I expect it was a light breeze by your standards.
So I live in the northern suburbs of Chicago an I heard about the storm of all storms. Me, I was excited. Chance of no school, awesome. Really freaking cool storm? Beyond awesome. Except for wind we’ve gotten nothing. I don’t even think it rained.
I’ll take a hurricane over a tornado any day. At least we get like a week’s notice when one is about to say hi.
The idea of Kansas not being in Kansas anymore scares the shit out of me. What if it lands near me?! Kansas is #1 on the list of states that I never want to go to again.
Dearest Aunt Becky,
This was teh Gizzenius.
A section of my grandma’s fence blew over today and I can’t help because my back went out of alignment. My chiropractor visit was cool. It sucked when I got up to leave tho. We is also has blizzard warning until toomorrow.
Thanks for teh blog.
Dude. The chiro (something I’ve recently been introduced to) is pretty rad. Altho, I’m not getting the Hulk Neck that I’d hoped from the electric stim thing I do.
While you were hunkering down with your iPhone and diet coke I was sitting in a rattling Volvo station wagon on Redgate Rd. waiting in line to drop my oldest off at school. But by the time I got to work at 10a.m. at the corner of Peck and 64 there was a gorgeous full rainbow over Wasco. Crazy shit midwest weather.
Oh. My. Awesome! That sounds pretty rad. I love rainbows. And really, the basement was bullshit.
Should say more like a bag of saggy sweaty balls… or sweaty chesticles on an August day. Its raining buckets here in PA and Tornado warnings till tonight… maybe I can actually get a shower (by going outside) since the spawn never leave off
what i might grab: dogs (no kids here), couple favorite plants (i know, it’s a sickness) and my stash of chocolate chips.
it is so windy here in denver, too. if you don’t turn into new kansas, we might! i tried riding my bike in it yesterday…big mistake. people who don’t already mock me now mock me.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What I wouldn’t give for a video of that. Not to laugh AT you, darling, to laugh WITH you.
Also, I may have fallen walking out to my car this morning. But that was unrelated to the wind.
you have sabotage shoes too??
I just wanted to say Thanks a ton for sending that shitty weather to my house. Just what I needed to deal with- at least my bigger kids were excited about going to a real tornado drill- it wasn’t fake mom.. Next time, keep the nastiness to yourself 🙂
So sorry A.B. I hate when my sleep is disrupted too! Hey! I need a great big favor from you and all of your “followers” if you all don’t mind…I am trying to win the INA on the Toy With Me website. There is this chick with 47 freakin’ votes for writing “orgasmically challenged”. WTF!! Why should she get it and not me?!?!?!
Anyway, if anybody is reading this I could really use your vote. I want to win the INA, test it and write a blog about it…and so I wrote “will blog about”.
FYI the link is:http://toywithme.com/contests/win-a-lelo-ina/ please vote for Jersey Girl “will blog about”.
You are awsome! Thanks
Can I trade you a Carolina hurricane for an Illinois tornado?
Oh, Aunt Becky, you make me laugh… non-secure = people with low self esteem WHAHAHA.
I just realized I live two towns away from you (E-town). Yes, weather here sucks about 75% of the year – blazing hot or below zero, with a short rainy spring and a tornado warning fall thrown in. 🙂 If you are serious about getting past your Ebay selling phobia I can show you how to sell things. It is intimidating to start but not hard at all!
Love it. We got hit with this where I am too. Weather = fail
Thank jaw no tornado picked you up. A girl can only say KansasNotKansasKansasNotKansas so many times as she whips around in a circle.
As a previous Kansan..Kansasian.. Kansasite… person from Kansas, I can tell you right now, they are NOT ready for Aunt Becky. The tornado would seem tame I’m afraid.
We don’t get a lot of tornados in Utah. When we did, I stood in front of a very large window, agreeing with my coworker that yes, it did look just like a funnel cloud. And yes, the sky was a funny color, while power lines with transformers blew up along the hill a mile away. I am not smart enough to live in Tornado alley.
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