Mommy Wants Vodka

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Guilty Until Proven Innocent


So, I have this intense guilt complex, right? Always have and probably always will (for someone who has not been raised Catholic, I certainly seemed to have mastered the guilt). All it takes is a cop to walk into a store that I’m shopping in for me to worry that he’s (or she) is going to arrest me. For what? I don’t know. Reckless use of the color pink?

Today, I took the kidlets to Portillo’s for lunch, and on the way out, I either bumped the curb or tapped the car next to me, and it’s killing me because I don’t know if I did damage. I didn’t realize that I may have given the car next to me a Love Tap until I got home and realized that I have a scuff on the bumper of my car THAT COULD HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE.

I don’t give much of a shit about my car and I have always assumed that one of the parts of having a car means that you get the inevitable scratch in a parking lot, ding on the door, or Love Bump scuff. Not a big deal.

But now I’m freaking out. Freaking the fuck out. Because what if I left the scene of an accident and someone took my plates down and then the cops will show up and arrest me in front of my weeping children and then I will go to federal pound you in the ass prison.

Help! This is Aunt Becky tapping out an SOS.

What do I do?

25 Comments to

“Guilty Until Proven Innocent”

  1. On March 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm Kristin Says:

    Obviously, you need to flee the country. Immediately.

  2. On March 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm kbreints Says:

    uh. pray. ha!

    No– if you are that worried about it, and want to be honest- call there and see if anyone else had reported damage….

    and then pray again.

  3. On March 28th, 2008 at 5:19 pm Pauline Says:

    You could call there if you feel bad. Or, just try to de-stress and forget about it. It’s highly unlikely you did any major damage. A similar situation happened to me, but it was in a parking lot, so when I figured out what happened I went back to the parking lot and left a note on the car (which was still there). But, it did not result in anything anyway. THe owner of the car called me and told me not to worry about it.

    Oh yeah, and the guilt thing-I am so right there with you. Why is it that the only thing I retained from my Catholic youth was the guilt?

  4. On March 28th, 2008 at 5:31 pm Ames Says:

    I say if you feel super horrible that you could call there and ask if anyone reported damage to their car. Otherwise I would try to forget about it (as hard as I realize that would be).

  5. On March 28th, 2008 at 6:03 pm Heather Says:

    Have some wine. Maybe lots. Until you forget.

    In other words, I promise it is no big deal.

  6. On March 28th, 2008 at 6:45 pm g Says:

    Well, clearly, if you hit the car next to you it was because the universe thought the owner of the car deserved it. That person probably cut off you off last week.

    There, guilt gone.

    (or listen to Heather and have a few boxes of wine)

  7. On March 28th, 2008 at 7:13 pm Ames Says:

    The more I think about it, the more I like the wine idea…yeah, you should definitely just have a couple drinks, you’ll forget all about it.

  8. On March 28th, 2008 at 7:17 pm Kristen Says:

    Ack! I would try to put it out of your mind, I guess.
    Someone called in my dh for doing that before, even though it wasn’t actually him that hit her. (he had backed into a bullard months before so he had a dent in his bumper, we assume that is why the woman chose him to accuse) The police called and came and looked at the van, determined that there was no way he could have done it, nothing matched up (wrong bumper even)and she had fixed her car before reporting it. But they did give him a ‘failure to back up safely’ ticket. sucks.
    K, I realize that wasn’t very comforting. I apologize, I meant to say that nothing bad will happen. If someone actually does report you, you tell them you didn’t realize and the worst you get is to pay for some paint and maybe a small ticket.
    I am sure it was just the curb. My sweet Aunt Becky couldn’t have bumped a car, I just know it.
    Hit the wine…

  9. On March 28th, 2008 at 7:26 pm Tracy Says:

    My husband has does this. He’s all “why else are they called bumpers?” while certain other drivers seem to become apoplectic over the teeniest scratch. Once, the cops called for him, but they seem to think scratch-o-phobes are hyper. He had to pay this person but there were no citations or other repercussions – the cops did not care.

  10. On March 28th, 2008 at 7:59 pm magpie Says:

    that thing in your title? known as vodka? have some. better yet, have gin.

  11. On March 28th, 2008 at 8:03 pm b Says:

    Do not call the restaurant! IF, and that’s a big IF someeone wrote down your license plate number, and they call the police..and the police actually investigate it, you can just feign innocence. You can say..”oh my, I thought I had hit the curb, I had no idea officer. here is my insurance information, please call my insurance agent..they’ll be happy to assist the injured party.” That’s all. You’re fine, chill! Seriously though, i’m an insurance agent..e mail me if you have any questions.

  12. On March 28th, 2008 at 10:22 pm Heather Says:

    Wouldn’t you know if you actually bumped a car? I would imagine so. Therefore, you did not. You probably just happened to notice a scuff and voila! Guilt and panic. See there? All better.

    My grandmother (who, in her defense, is in her eighties) swings her big 600lb rusty car door into other cars all the time when she’s getting out and *laughs* about it! Isn’t that deplorable?!

  13. On March 28th, 2008 at 10:24 pm SaraS-P Says:

    I have been there. I hate that dread.

  14. On March 28th, 2008 at 11:02 pm Denise Says:

    I have felt that before myself. And the guilt is a killer while worrying that you are going to get caught doing something you didn’t know you did, even if you aren’t sure you did it.

    In the grand scheme of things…have a drink. It’s not that big of deal. (unless the cops stop by tomorrow)

  15. On March 29th, 2008 at 7:46 am Michelle Says:

    Think of it this way, what is the likelyhood of the owner of the car sitting right near a window where his/her car was parked? Or coming out the door right as you left? They were inside enjoying a wonderful Portillos hot dog, or Beef & Cheddar, or, er, um, you get what I mean.
    I think you would have known if you hit the car. Relax and stop worrying!

  16. On March 29th, 2008 at 10:00 am TEOM? Says:

    I am SURE it was there before.

  17. On March 29th, 2008 at 11:02 am The Milk Maid Says:

    I vote relax, booze, repeat.

  18. On March 29th, 2008 at 11:50 am Jenn Says:

    Portillo’s….YUMMMMMMMMMM. Oh my Bob… I could use a nice nasty Chicago Style Hot Dog right about now.

    Oh – the car. I wouldn’t worry about it. Like someone said above me, if someone actually got your plate – act innocent adn pass on your insurance info.

  19. On March 29th, 2008 at 4:49 pm Karen Says:

    Just forget about it. I have done much worse and walked away and I am still out of jail. Uh…just kidding big brother. I haven’t done anything wrong…ever.

  20. On March 29th, 2008 at 5:21 pm Dolores Schwartz Says:

    Here’s the wine…
    Here’s the paper bag…

    And just relax! I did that a long time ago when I was 19 I heard a huge CRASH and I relized… F- ME I hit the car… Nothing happened to me! Call it driving Karma and it was that person’s just time! Try and forget about it!! HUGS!!

  21. On March 29th, 2008 at 6:06 pm LAS Says:

    Just forget about it – it’s really no big deal and I highly doubt you did any damage! You would have known if you hit it hard enough to do damage!

  22. On March 30th, 2008 at 9:22 am Tony Says:

    forget about it. if it just left a scuff on you, it probably did the same to them and it will be *months* before they notice it. I dont think this would classify as an *accident* in any case….

  23. On March 30th, 2008 at 1:55 pm Amy Says:

    Don’t worry your pretty self about it! I’m sure it’s not a biggy…if you did damage, you would have known…that women’s intuition says a lot!

    Go enjoy some alcoholic beverage of some sort and relax!


  24. On March 30th, 2008 at 2:56 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I’m with the consensus – go have some alcohol and forget about it. I mean, it wasn’t a Ferrari, was it?

    Erm, if it was, well, obviously the owner can afford to have it fixed, so you can still forget about it.

  25. On January 28th, 2011 at 1:15 am Kat Says:

    ~giggles~ Federal pound me in the ass prison…aaah I love Office Space…

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