Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Guilty Squid is back with a letter I just wrote to my 16 year old self.


I didn’t spend as much time on Twitter today. I was all busy with the work and stuff and then the Internet was down. From our office. And an entire office of technology people stopped and wandered around aimlessly for they knew not what to do. I looked at an actual paper catalog, people. It was bizarre. When I got back on Twitter – from home, you understand, I saw that there was a Twitter topic that was all about Tweeting to your 16 year old self. It inspired this letter. Now, I never write this kind of stuff on my own site. I never get too far from the ridiculous on mine. And Becky wanted me to just do funny, but this was stuck in my head and it had to come out and I sort of hoped that maybe it would be okay too. Because the beauty of Becky’s site is that sometimes, you don’t have to be funny. I hope that this is okay with y’all. I’ve got one more that I can come back and do that is full of the funny, but I had to get this out first. Hugs ~Guilty Squid

Dear 16 year old me,

I’m pretty sure you’re going to have a hard time believing it’s me. For one thing? It’s going to seem really stupid that if I had the ability to send a letter back in time, I wouldn’t actually go back in time my whole self, but science is very confusing for us and we don’t actually understand all of the technology involved, just that it worked. If you’re still in doubt then I’ll tell you that I know on the weekend of your 16th birthday, you cried bitterly and you said something selfish and stupid to Daddy that we can’t forget and even though you didn’t mean it? You wish you could take it back. Also? I know exactly where you got that Def Leppard T-Shirt, and it wasn’t from a concert. Yeah, that’s right. You believe me now, don’t you?

Listen, if I had my way, we’d never need to have this letter. You’ve spent a lot of time wondering how your life would be different “if” and you’ll spend a lot more time wondering. Hell, we probably won’t ever stop wondering. But the truth is you’re going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like it, and there’s going to be lots of days where it doesn’t seem like it, but you will be okay. One day? Someone will understand and you’ll spend many happy moments on the road to “okay”. Hang in there.

School sucks for us and it doesn’t ever really get better. Teachers are going to say a lot of crappy things to you because they don’t understand you. Please stop listening to those awful things they say. They are wrong. They are so, so wrong. Forget about trying to make them happy and do more things that you enjoy.

Not that every teacher is going to suck. Take time to thank Mrs. Simmonds. She’s going to love the things you write and she’s going to spend so much time helping you build your confidence. And your vocabulary. What she will give you will shape who you become later in life, and trust me – she didn’t have to spend all that extra time encouraging you. She’s the first person who looks past the fear you have and sees the amazing person inside. She’s helping the awesome that is inside you. She’s making sure you’ll be ready to shine. Thank her.

Stop trying to fit in. In a few years, everyone will be fighting to stand out from the crowd. You’re already ahead of the game. Fitting in usually ends badly, anyway. All the times that you say no to things even though saying yes would make you fit in, will be something that you’ll be proud of your entire life. Remember, you’re going to be okay.

Hug Daddy more often. Hug him harder and listen to him more. Enjoy being with him. He’s the first man who loved you unconditionally. Do better showing him how much you love him too. The next time you hug him, do me a favor, would you? Take a minute to just breathe in the smell of Dad’s cologne and relax in the safety of his hugs. Then remind us to never, ever forget that moment.

Skip the typing class with the big clunky typewriters and the business class with the actual ledgers. Just trust me. It’s a total waste. I know you’ll want to take the class that most kids take, but go on and take that computer programming class instead. Just trust me on this one.

I know you told that guy Johnny “no” right before school started. And you did the right thing. He wasn’t the one, and it wasn’t right. (Uh, seriously, he ended up on something called Baywatch and no one ever heard his name again. Plus? That acne is not going to clear up on him for years. Which also means you probably just realized we’re still somewhat superficial.) My point is, you were right to say no to Johnny and you really should say no to Brad. You’re going to fall for him. And for a couple of years you’ll make him your world. But it will end, you’ll get your heart broken, and you’ll end up doing a lot of stupid things for a lot of stupid years because you won’t understand that it’s okay to just walk away when you have that first nagging feeling of it not being right. Which reminds me: Start listening to that feeling. Trust yourself. Stop pushing that feeling and that reaction down and moving forward in spite of it. Move in a different direction because of it.

This high school thing is not the best time of your life. It’s not even close. You’ve got a great deal ahead of you and you won’t even believe how you turn out. You have friends. You have great kids. You write all the time. It’s fantastic over here and you’ll be glad you made it to this place. You laugh. You go months without nightmares. You never really get over the whole birthday thing, but those friends I mentioned? They understand it. And they love you anyway.

You’re going to be okay.

We’re going to be okay.

I am okay.

Hang in there.



P.S. Let’s just try to love ourselves a little more, okay?

P.P.S. Oh, and that dress that your Aunt talks you into getting? That blue number with the lace collar? Just, no. No, no, no.

P.P.P.S. Hammer-Time is *not* going to last forever, so don’t get any of those pants, George Michaels is gay, and save your money and buy all the stock you can in something called Google as soon as you can.

P.P.P.P.S. I KNOW! The George Michaels thing seems so obvious after you look back at the old Wham! videos, right?

28 Comments to

“Guilty Squid is back with a letter I just wrote to my 16 year old self.”

  1. On November 4th, 2010 at 8:21 pm MeriLizzie Says:

    Love it! A lot of my own sentiments!


  2. On November 4th, 2010 at 8:28 pm Melissa Says:

    The George Michael thing WAS totally obvious wasnt it?

    I have MANY things that I regret at 16. I basically disowned my parents, did BAD drugs (not just the weed), made my mother a very distressed person TO THIS DAY.

    I want to tell my 16 year old self that I am an asshole. And lying to my parents about my boyfriends age was HUGE, because it turns out he hurt little girls much younger than I was afterwards.

    And I love you GuilySquid. I promise not to tell anyone you are nice.

  3. On November 4th, 2010 at 8:29 pm Melissa Says:

    I do love you even though I missed the T.

  4. On November 4th, 2010 at 8:31 pm Deidra Says:

    I liked it. You’re amazingly full of wisdom for a woman who claims to be mostly nonsense. 🙂

  5. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:11 pm thenextmartha Says:

    Awe. Hugs– just a tiny litte quick barely touching and not exchanging any heat one.

  6. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:22 pm High Heeled Life Says:

    This was fantastic … but had you not experienced all that you have, you would not be the wonderful, confident person you are today. XO HHL

  7. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:30 pm Peggy Brister Says:

    I’m pretty slow on a good day and I am unable to even locate a CONTACT US button to be able to email Becky or Daver. I need them to approve my renewed blog ad on MommyWantsVodka. I renewed the ad yesterday and it says awaiting approval. If and when Becky feels well enough to look at anything having to do with the interwebs and her bloggy area, please tell her I came by to tell her I renewed my ad and it just needs approved. I am @PeggySueCusses on Twitter or Peggy Sue Brister miss Etsy bitch in real life. Holla!

  8. On November 4th, 2010 at 9:39 pm Pat Vermont Says:

    I wrote a letter like this too but then Brad Paisley stole it from me and used it as a song. That dirty genius.

    I enjoyed! Thanks

  9. On November 4th, 2010 at 11:03 pm andygirl Says:

    What? George Michael is gay? that explains a lot!

    loved this. 🙂

  10. On November 5th, 2010 at 12:16 am KCgirl Says:

    I love it. A lot of these are things that I would LOVE to go back and tell my younger self. I think everyone has these. But a very light-hearted yet nostalgic post. I love it.

  11. On November 5th, 2010 at 4:50 am MacDougal Street Baby Says:

    I love the part about fitting in. I could have used hearing those words, too.

  12. On November 5th, 2010 at 7:43 am Marie Says:

    Great post. Would say many of those things to my old self, especially about my daddy, who died when I was 23. But I CAN smell his cologne still (though I think it was shaving cream). I would tell myself to wait, even though at 16, I was with my hubby. I didn’t think he’d stay with me if I didn’t. Dummy. He totally stayed even though he KNOWS I’m nuts. Maybe I will write my daughter a letter like this for her 16th birthday, even though she’s only 6.

  13. On November 5th, 2010 at 8:44 am MamaCas Says:

    Yeah….George Michael’s hotpants were a dead giveaway. I still had a huge crush on him, though.

  14. On November 5th, 2010 at 9:21 am Phil_E_Girl Says:

    Okay first I gotta know what is up with the name Guilty Squid? Next thanks for keeping B’s blog going, how is she doing? Lastly, You did bring the funny, no worries we don’t expect you to be an Aunt Becky clone. Tell B. we hope she feels better soon and we are all thinking of her.

  15. On November 5th, 2010 at 10:17 am Becky Says:

    Love today’s blog even though the part about daddy choked me up a little, I lost my dad at 17 and I would love to tell my 16 year old self to soak up every second of that last year with him. If only we knew then what we know now. Your doing a great job.Keep up the good work, and give our love to Aunt Becky

  16. On November 5th, 2010 at 11:54 am mumma boo Says:

    Great post, GS. There are many things in there that I’m going to file away to tell my daughter in a few years.

  17. On November 5th, 2010 at 1:30 pm Rebecca Says:

    Buy energy stock.

  18. On November 5th, 2010 at 1:39 pm txjennk Says:

    I’m totally with you on trusting your instincts. I tell myself that all the time that my instincts were right and always have been and I should have listened to them sooner. Great letter.

  19. On November 5th, 2010 at 2:20 pm SharleneT Says:

    Wonderful letter! But, would you have listened to yourself at 16 becomes the question? I was asked, last night, what superpower I would like to have and answered “time travel,” then see this post… if only… thanks for sharing… It was beautifully done… Come visit when you can… and hugs to Aunt Becky…

  20. On November 5th, 2010 at 4:44 pm Kelly Says:

    I wish I had gotten a letter from myself at 16 from my 36 year old self…but I was so full of the angst, I’d have probably rebelled from my own self too. I think in ways, I’ve got to have a bit of a do-over via my daughters, who are so full of the awesome, I can’t hardly believe it.

  21. On November 5th, 2010 at 6:59 pm katrina Says:

    ahhhhh hindsight is lovely and you have expressed that so beautifully!

  22. On November 5th, 2010 at 7:32 pm Kristin Says:

    Sorry I’m all late on commenting sick kids make things difficult. But what an amazing letter. It brought tears to my eyes.
    And I LOVE the PS’s they are hilarious! Who knew about Boy George, I mean watching Wham we should have but damn I was blindsided myself.
    Glad you filled in now I have a new blog to read LOL.

  23. On November 5th, 2010 at 8:45 pm Becca Says:

    Love this!! That is all! 🙂

  24. On November 6th, 2010 at 9:14 am V Says:

    When I was in my teens and life was really sucking I said I’ll wait till 30. It still sucked, so I bumped that up to 40, and what do you know, some parts of it sucked but others are wonderful. I’ll wait till 60 and see how it goes. I have patches of awesome and valleys of sucks a lot, but that’s life. I love this letter, and I wish I had found one from myself at 16.

  25. On November 6th, 2010 at 1:15 pm Stephanie and her sort of funny blog Says:

    Barb… I feel so sad for you. Email me and let’s chat. It’s never too late to get better. Sounds like a cheesy lame cliche, but you still deserve happiness at 56.

    Let’s talk this shizz out. “I’d never have bothered to make it any farther” just breaks my heart and troubles me that others youngens will see it and believe it too.

    What can us Pranksters do to help? To shine some light?

  26. On November 7th, 2010 at 10:20 pm Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Um… just because you enjoy the pleasures of the body with random guys in park restrooms doesn’t make you gay.

    My priest told me so.

  27. On November 8th, 2010 at 1:00 pm Jennifer June Says:

    Sounds like we were 16 at around the same time as each other…

  28. On November 27th, 2010 at 1:55 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Would you consider reposting that on Band Back Together?

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