Mommy Wants Vodka

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Goin’ Back To Cali


After writing this post (last year), I’m pretty sure I’m going to get turned away from the airport and sent squarely back to the Midwest. But I’m gonna try, dammit, to make it past the airport this time. June 19-22, my hammy arms are goin’ back to Cali so that I may wrap them around my friend Heather.

Every winter, ’bout this time, when the cold days have dragged on and on to the point where a 100 degree day (Celsius even!) sounds more tolerable than bundling up the kids AGAIN and having the boogies in my nose freeze for the forty-millionth time that day, and when getting the mail at the end of my driveway seems like a drastic undertaking, I start to have this fantasy in which we move to more temperate climates.

And because, in my fantasy-land, I am also slightly practical and don’t have visions of moving to a completely foreign country and having to learn a new language (you mean people don’t speak American EVERYWHERE?), I envision us moving to one of the coasts.

For a good 290 days of the year, I like where I live, honestly I do (and probably in part as a defense mechanism, as moving out of state would be brutal as far as custody arrangements go for The Big One), and besides a small jaunt away from here several years ago, I have lived in the same town most of my life. It’s a sweet river town, full of character and pep (and a number of the exact same strip malls), and it’s great BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS.

But, for as teeny as my family is, I do happen to have some that live out of state in California, where I have been any number of times. And I genuinely love it out there, it’s interesting, it’s clean, people are nice, and if it weren’t for such amazingly high property prices, we might live out there for reals.

Well, the cost of living AND the fact that I am not positive that I am good-looking enough.

California is weird like that, and I’ll never forget being there as a teenager to attend my cousin’s wedding. A busboy (a BUSBOY!) in the joint where we were dining nearly caused me to choke on my steak, so uncanny was his resemblance to Brad Pitt (the 12 Monkeys/Seven version, whom I had many a naughty fantasy about).

A couple of years later, I was back again, and I noticed that even the bums on The Haight were sexy. BUMS were SEXY! Even the one who flashed me his penis was good looking (and well hung)!

It was like entering an alternate universe.

As I got older and every time I went back to Cali, I noticed more and more unlikely and attractive people. Airport baggage claim guys were hot! The chick at the rental car place looked as though she’d stepped off the runway to make my car rental experience a complete nightmare. I kept expecting the dude who took my toll money to start selling me shampoo, so magnificent was his shiny mane of hair, so full of body and style.

Just based on experience (and without real knowledge), I would even venture to guess that the people who worked at the DMV were extras on a movie set in their spare time (away from being nasty to people who were stupid enough to get into the wrong line– EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T LABELED).

I don’t know about your state, but typically the DMV workers are thought to be the bitchy Missing Link anthropologists are always harping on about (I wonder if their studies would take them to the DMV, because it should), but I would venture a guess that in California, they, too, are beautiful, attractive, and of the highest genetic pedigree.

Even if I were rich enough to buy a shack in California, I’m fairly certain we’d be turned away at the border for being undesirably unattractive.

For now, I will take comfort living here in the Midwest, just outside of Chicago, knowing that while we may be ugly and dumpy, at least we’re landlocked, so no hurricane will make it to our doorstep.


posted under Aunt Becky Has VD
39 Comments to

“Goin’ Back To Cali”

  1. On May 15th, 2009 at 11:57 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Y’all are definitely extremely cute and California would welcome you with open arms.
    But I know what you’re talking about. When I was there a few years ago in the LA area, I noted that there was a definite lack of the morbidly obese which is so common here. I’m not joking. This is just the truth. Beauty is one of California’s tourist attractions, I’m thinking. Of the people. They probably give you plastic surgery for free just to get you up to the standard.

  2. On May 15th, 2009 at 11:57 am Badass Geek Says:

    I want to see sexy hobo’s.

  3. On May 15th, 2009 at 11:59 am Lexi Says:

    WTF are you talking about? You’re totally cute enough for California.

    And, I must speak up about one thing. I’ve worked at the BMV (B for bureau, in Ohio), and those people take just as much shit as they give, believe me. The door was broken by a customer slamming it almost DAILY. And even if the lines are labeled, and rules are posted in ELEVENTYBILLIONFUCKINGPLACES, people will STILL not pay attention. So yeah. Totally goes both ways. /rant.

  4. On May 15th, 2009 at 11:50 am Jenn Says:

    Aww, I think you are sex-ay!

  5. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:53 pm ryanandjoesmom Says:

    As Jen stated above – yes, please give Heather lots of love and hugs.

    My brothers were stationed in Monterey (talk about property price sticker shock – hello, Carmel…) for a couple years each. Never knew I had to wear ‘my Sunday’s best’ to run out and get a gallon of milk. I would never last there without some major liposuction and a personal trainer. In the Midwest I will also stay.

  6. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm Ames Says:

    I haven’t been to Cali since I was 12, but I totally agree, you don’t see many homely looking people there.

    Please give Heather a hug for me ~ and for all of us. I’m so glad that you are getting out there to see her!

  7. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Jen Says:

    I’m glad that you are going to make it to Cali to see Heather. Please take with you all us interenets who pray for her daily. I personally have never been there, but ever since Melrose Place I’ve thought it to be the coolest place on earth.

  8. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm Kristine Says:

    There’s a reason that the show Reaper shows the portal to hell being the DMV…I’m just sayin’.

  9. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:54 pm Sunny Says:

    Oh come on, you are cute! 🙂

    But I agree with you on Cali. I would need a boob job and a nose job MINIMUM to be passable in that state. While we are at it, let’s throw in a tummy tuck, too, because why the hell not.

  10. On May 15th, 2009 at 1:55 pm Kristina Says:

    I felt the same way when I was in CA. Love to visit, couldn’t live there. Plus, if I left the Midwest I wouldn’t be able to wear fat clothes all winter and secretly gain 10 pounds of pure french fry.

  11. On May 15th, 2009 at 12:59 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    You are totally cute enough. :p And don’t forget, all of the horrible retail jobs and whatnot are taken by wanna-be movie people. That’s why they are so attractive.

    Instead, you should move to Oregon. All the awesomeness of the West Coast without the horribleness of the Midwest. And no sales tax. And you don’t have to pump your own gas! \o/

  12. On May 15th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Inna Says:

    I really loved LA and san fran when I went this year (Alcatraz was AWESOME!). But I did feel kinda out of place with all those beautiful people… I mean even the pictures of the prisoners were good looking…
    New York is much better in that respect, we have all types. From the most gorgeous to the most hideous… what can I say its a wonderful melting pot and everyone pretty much fits right in.
    I’m gonna go get some sun now in the beautiful weather we’re having today but… I’ll BE BACK (hehehe)!

  13. On May 15th, 2009 at 3:03 pm Notesfromthegrove Says:

    Aw, you’re going to see Heather? You’re a good friend.

    Oh, by the way…you’re dead sexy. Even if I AM looking at you through that rose colored cosmo ;o)

  14. On May 15th, 2009 at 2:33 pm kalakly Says:

    The welcome mat is out and I’m waiting for you!!!

  15. On May 15th, 2009 at 2:47 pm kbrients Says:

    Hey now– us midwesterners are gorgeous.

    But I do have to say…. I feel VERY underdressed when I leave the state… FOR SURE.

  16. On May 15th, 2009 at 2:49 pm JJ Says:

    Great, now that song will be in my head for the remainder of the day=)
    OooooO love the picture–so purty! Only been to Cali once, Im afraid–but Im not skinny/plastic enough to step foot back in that state.

  17. On May 15th, 2009 at 2:58 pm Katie Says:

    You’re totally hot enough for Northern CA! It’s like a different state up here, you know.
    Except we say “like” and “you know” just as much as they do down there. You know.

  18. On May 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm rebekah Says:

    a) you are PLENTY sexy for CA. But your inferiority complex is caused by your obvious mistake of going everywhere wannabe movie stars work (like the DMV and posing as homeless people). Try Canoga Park. Or Ventura.
    b) Were you of legal age when you married? Holy cow. If you weren’t obviously wearing a bridal gown, I would have guessed “prom picture”!! You were a BABY bride! A TOTALLY-sexy-enough-for-any-state-lucky-enough-to-have-you baby bride.
    c) Oregon is much nicer than CA. Sorry 35,000,000+ Americans.

  19. On May 15th, 2009 at 3:39 pm Emily R Says:

    i remember and loved this post. are you coming to l.a.?

  20. On May 15th, 2009 at 4:54 pm Lindsay Says:

    First, you are totally cute enough to live here in CA. And also, the DMV people here are not cute. DMV people everywhere are the same. Police, however, CUTE! Gardeners…CUTE! Now that I’m married I am less sad about my lack of cuteness by CA standards (note that I have even gotten less cute…poor husband). I do have to avoid beaches or trendy malls, as I get turned away at the door, but am otherwise quite happy to be in Cali!

  21. On May 15th, 2009 at 4:00 pm Mimi Says:

    What, are you on crack? How could I have a girl crush on you if you weren’t Cali-liscious? Besides, how boring is it to be perfectly gorgeous?

  22. On May 15th, 2009 at 4:15 pm Gaby Says:

    I was born in California, West Hollywood to be more specific, and I moved to Chicago when I was two. I am SO GLAD that my mom packed up and moved us here, because I just don’t have what it takes to be a Californian. I suppose I would’ve picked up a thing or two along the way, but I’m not pretty enough for my birth state.

    But I am damn proud of my Midwestern/Illinois roots–we’re polite (to a fault!), we can handle extreme weather changes (in the same day!), we live in a state with one of the best cities in the country, we’ve got tons of art/music/theatre/sports, and we drink good beer and eat great food. I don’t know if I’d want to live anywhere else.

    Although, if this state’s government doesn’t get its head out of its ass…they may just run me out of here, truth be told. *Sigh*

  23. On May 15th, 2009 at 4:19 pm trish Says:

    You’re such a good friend. And totally hot. In fact, I’m thinkin you need to post more pictures of yourself, because then I’d stalk you more.

  24. On May 15th, 2009 at 6:30 pm stacie Says:

    Now come on…not all of us in CA are in the drop dead gorgeous category. I manage to make it out of the house and to work without being forced to place a bag over my head–and it isn’t because I have movie star good looks, either! Besides, you’re hotter than me, so if I can live here without being chased out, you definitely can.

    I am glad you’re coming. The weather is great, and Heather is a super reason to visit. Hug her for all of us.

    Oh, and I second Lindsay’s observation of the DMV people. They are definitely NOT CUTE.

  25. On May 15th, 2009 at 6:34 pm amy Says:

    hey, don’t knock hurricanes. They come complete with “huricane parties” which can also be described as a bunch of drunkin idiots doing keg stands and riding out the storm. C’mon down south aunt beckie…doesn’t that sound enticing??!!

  26. On May 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm jessiee Says:

    Hey there Becky. You ever hear “Amelia” by The Story? 1994 or so.

    Here’s a link to the lyrics. http://www.cduniverse.comlyrics.asp?id=12717887

    really pretty.

  27. On May 15th, 2009 at 11:57 pm Courtney K Says:

    Oh now come on!! You guys are great looking! Give yourselves a break and enjoy your time away, don’t worry about what other people look like or what you look like….I know easier said than done! Believe me I know, J and I are not the cutest couple I mean we really used to be a lot thinner! (Damn kids!!!) You all have a great time!! 🙂

  28. On May 16th, 2009 at 7:44 am Chris Says:

    I’ve been reading Heather’s blog since you wrote about Maddie’s death. Please bring her lots of hugs and love from us. She’s on my mind constantly, even though I’ve never met her or her sweet little girl.

  29. On May 16th, 2009 at 8:07 am Fancy Says:

    California would be lucky to have you. Have you seen Adam Sandler and Kevin Smith?

  30. On May 16th, 2009 at 8:42 am Kendra Says:

    Please make sure Heather knows people are thinking of her all over. It’s been a little while and maybe she’s not hearing about it as directly anymore, but she’s still in my thoughts all the time.

    You are totally lovely. Which makes me angry, because you should be allowed to be smart and funny or attractive, but not both. (I’m not sure what I got, because it doesn’t seem to be any of them. Maybe you’re to blame, taking all the good genes.)

    I spent a brief hellish period living in LA. I worked in an office with two other people, so maybe you could call them my friends (they were nice enough, but I don’t think we ever saw one another outside the office). Other than them, the closest thing I had to a friend in that city was the security guard at the parking garage where I parked my car every morning. I had the distinct impression that I was the only person in the entire city who didn’t have an agent and big industry-related plans. I developed a habit (which now strikes me as deliciously decadent) of regular pedicures while I was there, thanks to the year-round sandal season, but I never managed the plastic surgery that I think would have been the only way I could ever fit in.

  31. On May 16th, 2009 at 10:16 am Painted Maypole Says:

    when we lived there we always played the “Real or plastic surger?” game

  32. On May 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am birdpress Says:

    My hubby has expressed desire to move to California at some point in the future. This post has strengthened my reasoning for being stubbornly against it. I’d never make it there. I’m an East Coast girl. Getting me even this far west (KY) was an accomplishment.

  33. On May 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Sarah Says:

    Wait – when it you change it to “now that’s fucked up”…how the hell did I miss that? This is what happens when I’m so neck deep in your action that I forget I could also be reading your blog!!

    Neck deep in your action??!! WTF? I so just said that, didn’t I?

    Well, shit.. I can’t speak for the Bay area, but you two are beyond sexxxy enough for Orange County/LA region, I assure you!! But you’ll know that when you get out there. Give Heather a HUGE hug for me, because by then it might have been awhile since a total stranger told her how much she’s loved and admired and how much we all thank her for sharing her precious Maddie with us – That mama ought to be holding that baby. 🙁

  34. On May 16th, 2009 at 12:39 pm RhoRho Says:

    As one of my obsessions is California, no really it’s my main obsession, I have a little input here. First, you and the hubs would NOT be turned away. Maybe it was all in my head, but last June, I felt totally not a mangy dog out in Santa Monica, even tho I have my own boobs, hadn’t hit my pre-preg weight and most of my clothes are from Target (but how would they know that? They don’t shop there!). Anything goes there, is how I see it. And they loved our cute kids. Possibly that’s why we were treated well, but whatever! We felt at home and like you, would move there if not for flippin’ real estate. I’m goin’ back too in late June (went back in Feb also!), to hug my friend Danelle, and get into a little mom-trouble in LA. It’s good for the soul!

  35. On May 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am Lola Says:

    Ahh, I saw some uglies out there. Granted, they were few and far between, but I was happy to see them. Made me feel like I was home in MA 😉

    Look at it this way, between the earthquakes, fires and mudslides, you’re better off where you are.

  36. On May 17th, 2009 at 2:04 pm Betty M Says:

    My cousin just married someone from LA – the family came over and I never saw so much fake tan, pulled skin and silicone in one room at once – you can keep that kind of beauty.

  37. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:47 am Betts Says:

    I don’t think they’re naturally beautiful. They just spend much more time and money at it than we do. I think you’re gaw-jus.

  38. On May 18th, 2009 at 6:10 pm mumma boo Says:

    Cali won’t let you in because you are too sexy for it. They fear the awesome sexiness of Aunt Becky. You will put Cali to shame. 🙂

  39. On May 23rd, 2009 at 11:10 pm Westcoast Weirdo Says:

    OK, I think you need to visit “normal” Cali because most people are NOT “Baywatch”y, lol!! We look like everyone else!! But are more rude, private and stuck up. LMAO I love visiting other states because everyone smiles and talks to you. It’s amazing. If it weren’t for the weather, we’d have been gone a long time ago.

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