Go Ask Aunt Becky: Love. Sucks.
Hi Aunt Becky,
I was in a long relationship that ended last September. When it ended, I had a lot of support from one of my best male friends (someone I’ve known for six years from university, who has always been someone I talk to a lot and share very honest things with).
Naturally, as these things do happen, I started having more-than-just-friends feelings for him. He is a wonderful person (I’ve always thought so), we have TONS in common, we talk daily (sometimes for hours, and we’ve done this for awhile). Last week he and I sort of admitted that we have feelings for each other.
It’s good, and I’m happy. If we were to be together, I think it would be one of the easiest relationships ever (we already have the same social group, like the same things, have families that already like each of us, go to the same major social events, etc). There’s one thing though, that makes me feel slightly bad and guilty.
Three years ago, he was in a relationship with my childhood best friend (who is not in our university group of friends). They had met at a party that I had invited her to, they dated for a few months and then called it off.. and then seven or eight months after that they were back together, and lasted for a whole year. It’s now been another full year since they’ve broken up for good. She and I used to be very close, but we have gone in slightly different directions so I don’t see her that often, and only talk to her occasionally these days. We have a long history together, though.
I didn’t want to lie, so I sent her an email explaining that… “as much as I know it’s awkward, I’m having feelings for her ex-boyfriend.” Her reply was that “she knows she can’t stop me, but that she finds it hurtful and weird.”
I like him… A LOT. I’m just feeling bad that he has a history with her.
Do you have thoughts or advice for situations like this? Right now I’m leaning towards moving the relationship forward, despite her, because I really believe he and I can be good together… does that make me a horrible person?
Signed,
Worst Best Friend Ever
Well, Prankster, I don’t think this makes you a horrible person. I can see both sides of the situation and I’m willing that the other Pranksters will be polarized in their advice to you.
The bottom line is this: are you willing to write off her friendship? Because that’s the worst case scenario: you lose her and you lose any mutual friends who may choose to side with her.
You can’t help what your heart wants and she can’t help how she feels about what your heart wants. Which can you live with?
I wish you luck, Prankster. That is certainly a tricky situation.
Greetings Aunt Becky!
I’m looking for your sage advice or at the least a smart ass remark.
Recently, I was in Dominican Republic on holiday. Met a kind man from Amsterdam. We had many drinks. I facetiously said I would come to Amsterdam over Christmas to hang out. For the sake of having fun in another country and having a cool tour guide. He agreed we would have fun.
Not wanting to be alone over the holiday, I booked a ticket and room. I mean, only live once and I was planning on a trip anyways, just hadn’t figured where. I informed him and he said his heart is filled with joy. He is now ending emails with the L Bomb.
Should I be freaked out?
Oh Prankster, I’m so sorry that your email was stuffed unceremoniously into the wrong folder, blocking it from my sight and rendering me incapable of answering you in a timely manner. HOW DARE MY EMAIL KEEP US APART!
I’m not, perhaps, the most romantic person, but I have been known to end emails with “Much Love,” or, “Love Always,” or “xoxo,” because I hate the way “Sincerely,” looks. “Sincerely,” looks, well, kinda insincere, doesn’t it?
That said, I’ve got a story of a good creepers that I dated to regale you with tomorrow.
Guys who drop the L-Bomb right away creep me the fuck out. But I’m as romantic as a booger, so there’s that. If I were you (be glad – very glad – I am not you), I’d probably be a little squiggly and all PROCEED WITH CAUTION from here on out.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. I feel like it was the right thing to do since we were constantly fighting and growing unhappier with each other every day.
If it was the right thing to do, then why the hell does it have to hurt so much? I feel so lost and alone without him and can’t help thinking about the good times we’d had in the beginning before everything went downhill. I would give anything to have us back at the point when we were happy. But I know that that’s not probable or likely at all.
Is it going to suck this hard forever? And if it was the right thing to do, why do I feel like a huge pile of shit?
Love is an asshole. I’d punch it in the throat if I could.
The short story is that it does get better…eventually. The long story is, of course, that it takes a long fucking time and while you’re getting better, it hurts like hell.
The worse the breakup (for me), the better the relationship had once been. That doesn’t help much, though, does it? Platitudes are fucking bullshit. (so are pants)
I’m sorry as hell you’re hurting and I wish that I could make it better. If you were closer, I’d invite you over for some slasher flicks and popcorn (I hate girly flicks) and maybe even some chocolate ice cream.
Sending you a big, fat, awkward-lasts-too-long-kind of hug right now.
Lots of love.
——————–
All right Pranksters, time to answer with smarter things, the kind I have egregiously overlooked because I was too busy thinking about how much I needed a real, live dancing cactus. Because I really, really do.
——————-
There’s all kinds of blogging discussions to be had all over at my other two blogs. Band Back Together has two and Mushroom Printing has one.
(bloggies)
tee he “love is an assole i’d punch it in the throat if i could” can’t stop laughing
Well, yeah. Love is supposed to hurt. Unless you use plenty of lube.
Speaking from past experience…if you feel and he feels the relationship is a good thing, then go for it!!! Ex’s that want to keep you from someone just because they went there before you, usually are jealous and don’t really want you or him to be happy together. I say fuck them! I’ve written off friends like that and had this whole weight lifted from me. GO FOR THE GUY!!!!
Okay…
1. I would go for it, if you aren’t that close w/the girl anymore, and they have been split up for a year, then he is free to date whom he wants.
2. Guys that say the L bomb too fast freak me the fuck out too, I would tell him straight up that he is moving to fast and that he needs to back off a little.
3. Just coming from a 3 year relationship (we split like a week and a half ago) I know how much it hurts. But, listen to your head. You know it will be better to be apart, but your heart will have to go through the grieving process. I know from personal experience, that is happening to me right now too.
Those are my answers, hope you enjoy my 2 cents! 🙂
Dating is also an asshole.
1. I think you should go for it. They broke up over a year ago so I think it’s time everyone moved on. Just don’t rub her nose in it and things will be less awkward in time.
2. That would freak me out. I would be very careful here. Either he’s looking for a quick way into your pants, he’s a crazy stalker type or he just says “love” to everybody. Trying to figure which one quickly and plan accordingly.
3. It will get better. My pattern was always to go out and do the things the relationship had prevented me from doing – making out with a guy on the dance floor, chopping my hair off and dying it blond, going on a solo vacation, etc.
@worst best friend ever. If you are not that close anymore, Go for it, but yes, you do run the risk of losing her as a friend so be prepared for that, and depending on what she’s like, prepare to have your name dragged through the mud as well. But if love prevails, well, it may be well worth it.
It may be worth analyzing exactly why they broke up though.. was it him? her? It may help you gauge A) if she’s the type of person you want to be friends with anyway or B) if he’s someone you want to enter into a relationship with
For the dating thing? Go for it. I think it’s weird that she would find it hurtful after a year. I mean, unless they were married, have kids together, or he cheated on her with you, I don’t see why she would be weird after a year. That’s more than enough time to be over someone you dated for a year, IMO.
The love guy? Is a little weird. I don’t like guys (or people in general) to cling that quickly. Gives me the heebie jeebies.
And for getting over the breakup? I subscribe to Triplezmom’s approach. There is a lot of freedom to enjoy sans relationship. 🙂
1. i agree with the previous comment. if you haven’t already decided, and even if you have, it is still good to know what’s hiding in the closet and whether or not it might open the door again. and if your name does turn to mud, what of it. as long as you’re happily sloshing it doesn’t matter so much. [sorry for using closet and mud as metaphors for what will hopefully be a fresh start for both of you]
2. i’ve had several long term relationships [including my marriage] with men who don’t speak english as their first language and even one whose only english came from movies. if this guy was american, canadian, or british, i’d say run. but otherwise, cut him some slack and explain later.
3. i’m sorry you’re in the bad place.
To #1, Go for it. I did and now we’re married and live (mostly) happily ever after (I kid). Seriously, though, I’m glad that we went forward with our relationship and didn’t let his Ex get in the way. However, be forewarned that you may lose the friendship. That is what happened with me. In the end the Ex decided that she was horribly wronged, etc. But I can’t say that I regret losing that friendship, though.
I am in the ‘go for it’ camp, WBFE! I have been in both places and even though it might be weird for your friend they did after all break up, and you have known in for five times longer than they were dating. Besides, I think that since it is mutual the two of you may wonder for life ‘what if’ if you don’t move on it. Hoping you go for it!
#2 – signing off is awkward, love is cool as long as it’s not “forever in my heart” love.
e-mails are weird. I have decided to sign off with “Best” or “Thanks” instead of love, which was a normal sign off for me. When I LOL’d my boss a few years ago he was weirded out. Apparently his teenage daughter told him it meant lots of love, while laughing at him and he bought it. That’s an IM though.
Never mind. Dont buy into sign offs though.
#1, it was very polite of you to approach your friend about the situation. She should have been polite and told you that it’s none of her G.D. business who you date, but she wasn’t. I’ve been in the same spot before, where a friend was keeping an ex on the back burner, even though she had cheated on him and was dating someone else for 2 years after… I decided it wasn’t worth it to lose her friendship, but I wasn’t nearly as passionate about him as it sounds like you are. Aunt Becky was right to say the worst-case scenario is that you lose a friend. The best case is she gets over it and can be happy for you. Sounds like your relationship with the fella is more important.
#2. Totally creepy when guys use the L-word too soon. I once dumped a guy for it. And you two aren’t even dating. I hope you had a rad trip and were able to ditch him if you felt like it.
#3. the only time a break-up didn’t hurt for me was when my ex was a sociopath and had abused me for several years, so…. It does hurt when you cared about someone. It’s hard to move on. I hope you have amazing friends who want to do everything they can to help you through this time.
1. I don’t believe in following your heart or any of that crap. I say follow your groin.
2. You know what creeps me out more than the “L” word? That he said his “heart was filled with joy”. Vomit. Keep your tickets and go, but tell him that you couldn’t make it. In short-Lose him.
3.You’re fine. We all doubt ourselves. The fact that you feel like a huge pile of shit will ensure that no one will write a song like “jar of hearts” about you. I wish that I could say the same for myself.
Worst best friend ever> Okay, I’m kinda cold-blooded so you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt, but this is how I see it.
You and your best bud care enough about each other to be completely honest. You have feelings for her ex. She feels uncomfortable with that. Either her feelings are bad and wrong, which means that logically, your feelings are also bad and wrong. Alternatively, feelings are something you respect, but can’t change. Acknowledge that she’s not happy about this. Talk to her, face to face, perhaps, instead of email, and let her know how important her feelings are to you (enough that you’d considered not dating this guy), but that, you know, your feelings are pretty damn powerful in this case.
Ultimately, she feels bad, but that does not automatically mean you’re a bad person. That’s how our parents explained right and wrong to us when we were little self-absorbed maniacs – hurting others = bad. Once the big-girl undies are on, though, it’s not nearly that simple. Sometimes, you hurt somebody for your own good, and all you can do is be honest about that, and try to work it out.
Good luck. You and your best friend have a lot of history, don’t throw it away. Work it out.
#1: Unless this guy a.) took her virginity, b.) went engagement ring shopping with her, or c.) fathered a child with her then BFF shouldn’t feel weirded out. Would she be so weirded out if she were in a blissfully happy relationship of her own? *Uh. No.*
1) One time, in high school, one of my friends happened to go out with a ridiculously popular guy within our circle of friends. Me and every other chick thought he was the cutest, funniest, awesomest guy around. When she ended up being lucky enough to be his girlfriend, we were all a little jealous of her. She didn’t know that everyone else had a crush on him; everyone had kept it a secret. When she found out, she panicked, and told us she had always thought it was a terrible thing to date someone her friends liked.
Luckily, we all told her “stfu and date him, silly.”
Yeah, it might be a little awkward for the ex, and it might be hard for her. She may need some time and space to get over it, and maybe things won’t ever be the same. I’m of the opinion that real friends understand what is really a betrayal of trust, and what is simply honest feelings.
2) It’s important to be clear about these things; subtlety about the “L bomb” is likely to blow up in your face (ha, pun). Make it politely, and clearly, obvious that this isn’t where you are, despite the seemingly romantic-impetus. Hints just won’t work here, I think.
3) When my first boyfriend and I broke up, it was a horrible thing. We were long-distance, so it was done over the internet and phone, and it was mutual…until the next day when he wanted me to come back. I refused, believing adamantly that the relationship was over and done with, and being apart was the best thing for both of us.
I also cried for about a month after, and had to force myself to tell him no, I won’t meet you for coffee, no, this won’t work out, no, I’m not coming back. I’m now in a happy, nearly three-year relationship, and last I heard my ex has a girlfriend and a happy life.
Being upset is completely normal. You cared enough about this person to be involved with them, and realizing it’s over, and not what you expected, and you’re about to lose someone that has very likely infiltrated a large portion of your life…it’s going to be hard, and hurt, and suck for a while. But you’ll get past it, and onto better things.