Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
I WANT TO BE A FAMOUS BLOBBER LIKE AUNT BECKY!!* Well, actually no. I don’t.
I have a blog that exactly 9 people read (if they read it!) and it’s really for my creative outlet. My problem is my husband. He doesn’t like when I put ANYTHING that’s not generic fluff on it. I have a nasty habit of bottling things up, and when I can write about it, I can let it go. This happened recently and he was furious that I put our “business” “out there”. An old friend’s wife read it, mangled it up and “told on me”. (He didn’t care about the issue that I wrote about though!! Dumb men).
So, how do I effectively blog without pissing off the people I need to write about?
Oh Prankster, it’s the age-old blobber issue: how much is too much? And I’m afraid that there’s no “right” answer, it’s all situational.
Here’s what I say about how much to share on your blog (and OH I am a bad person to ask this question):
1) Don’t put anything on the Internet you wouldn’t wear on a shirt.
B) Don’t lie.
3) It’s a small Internet after all.
4) People thrive on The Dramaz.
87) Own your words.
c) Whatever you write will probably be read by the person you’re writing about, especially if it’s a rant.
9) Facebook has made anonymity a hell of a lot harder.
28) And most stories, if you remove all of the identifying details and characteristics, well, they’re pretty dull. Plus, by that point, your story has lost most of it’s conviction because you’re all, “I’m mad because someone I can’t tell you about did something bad that I can’t mention because obviously.”
Bor-ING.
So.
The ethical quandary remains. How do you decide how much to share? What the hell is oversharing? WHY DOESN’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!?! *wrings hands*
This is the bottom line. What you share depends entirely upon how much shit you want to take. You have to imagine that every person you’re talking about is sitting there, reading your words, or looking for themselves in there, and interpreting words on a screen without the benefit of facial cues, THEN write from that perspective.
Writing on a blog gets especially complicated if your husband doesn’t appreciate the things you talk about. As far as that goes, you’re either going to have your way and write whatever you want, whenever you want, however you want it, and you’re going to make him upset or he’s going to make you upset because you’re censored. Or, perhaps, you can meet somewhere in the middle. That fuzzy, nebulous, undefinable grey area.
WHY WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?!
I don’t tend to write about conflicts that I have in my personal life. Most people I know (read: three) have the ability to read my blog and I need dramaz like I need a jello mold salad (blech). If I do write about anyone, I try and stick to facts and my own feelings about them.
If you want to write about people, you have to assume they’re going to read it and get pissed the hell off. It’s a calculated cost/benefit analysis for you.
Will the personal cost of drama be greater than the benefit of letting it out?
That, my good Prankster, is entirely up to you.
P.S. You can always go password protected for the ranty posts. Also: my bitch-slap group blog Mushroom Printing will gladly welcome you.
Dear Aunt Becky,
A woman I work with has, in the past several weeks and in the course of discussing project-related details, referred to me directly as “my love” and then later said “I love you” while in the presence of a superior.
Now, I’m willing to brush these events aside because 1- she’s way married, and 2- seriously?
But here’s the thing: this is the one woman who, if given the chance, I would R-U-N-N O-F-T with without any reservations and never look back.
Please confirm I’m crazy to suspect her words are nothing more than, well, friendly words.
Your pal,
stupid.
Sorry Prankster, I love you and all, but I’d venture a guess that her words are just that: words. Some people are more comfortable using pet names than others and apparently, my love, this woman is one of those.
I apologize, darling, but I’m guessing she’s just very friendly. Unless she’s grabbing your balls while she does it. Then, hm, well, maybe. Or maybe she just likes testicles.
Love you!
AB
—————-
So, Pranksters, what say you? How would you answer these questions?
*BEHOLD MY FAMOUS BLOBBERNESS. I AM BLOBBER, HEAR ME ROAR! IT’S THE EYE OF THE BLOBBE…okay, yeah. But that made me snort. “Famous” my ass.
OOOOOoooooooh! I have something for this one! Pick me pick me!!!
Sorry. So excited to really have something relevant.
I just blogged about my mom, who is in hospital for a near-miss with emphysema.
Anyway, last week I wrote a post about my mom and her bully, my mother, and posted it on my much neglected blog. I sent the link to one of my sisters, to foster discussion, but I also told her that if it bothered her in the least, I would take it down.
Her comments were that she doesn’t have the same view of my mom, and that she would hate that to be the lasting image of our mom on the Internet, especially if our mom died.
Funny how she read it as harsh, and I was totally cutting my mom some slack!
I guess what I’m saying is that if you are writing about another person AND you want to have a relationship with that person, you could consider how they feel about you rehashing things about them from your point of view for others to read.
My personal rule is that I value relationships with my people (no matter how troubled) far more than being published. But then, maybe that’s why I don’t publish too much?
Oh, and that piece was submitted to Band Back Together, and is in the queue, so eventually it will exist in a very anonymous way for all to see … but that’s the anonyblog so … what am I gonna do?! Consider the plethora of Aunt Becky sponsored venues to work your daemons through without it coming back at you …
ps. Aunt Becky, one day IIII want to edit for the Band! But not now. All hell has broken loose here in East Van, so I’ve gotta stay on the straight and narrow. I’ll send references when the time is right.
EXACTLY! EXACTLY!
There’s some weird communication thing that’s all, “there are separate conversations that happen each time anyone talks. What happened, what is said, and how each party perceives it.”
Or some shit. Whatever.
Perceptions can be especially bizarre online.
Okay. Now I know I love you. I always feel guilty for writing my diatribes as comments (except here, actually) … but I knew I had something to say so …
xox
I happen to love long comments. Everyone’s story is so unique and I find them all so interesting. It’s awesome to hear what other people have to say.
thanks … it is lovely to be accepted for who I am, windbag and all. xo
You blog under a different name and you don’t tell anyone that you know!!! That’s how you get to blog about whatever you want.
That’s exactly my suggestion. Go all super-anonymous, which is easy to do on the Internetz, and don’t tell anyone. You can easily change names to protect the probably-not-so innocent and still say exactly what’s on your mind. If it’s for your own outlet, who cares what random strangers are reading it.
You blog under a different name and don’t tell anyone that you know about your blog! That’s how you get to blog about whatever you want.
Yeppers. And you don’t ever, ever use any identifying characteristics or link your blog to The Facebook.
I really hope the guy who would run off with the married woman at work and never look back isn’t married, and has no children. Yikes!
I think you may have found a new calling….internet blogging therapy. I think there would plenty of nut cases, err I mean bloggers, out there willing for you to give them answers to bloggyland. Thanks, I’ll take my 10% cut now 🙂
Will you take a bad, out-of-state check?
Yes, I was going to suggest that Prankster number 1 above should post anonymously on Band Back Together, a great place to let it all out without pissing off the people in your life. I’m planning to do that soon, so I can rant about my husband in the safe cocoon of anonymity, because he and his family read my regular blog and I do, actually, want to stay married. Good luck!
And Becky? I loooove you. (snort)
Bwahahahaha! Yes. Good call. Excellent. I always look forward to rants. (seriously)
Spot on advice! I wrote about my husband’s flu and what my daughter said about how long his farts were and he made me change his name (like THAT made him anonymous). LOVE your blog (and the underground one is a fab. idea).
Everyone needs a place to let it out, right? And bwahahahaha! I love that your husband made you change his name. I’ll be giggling about that all day.
I was just asking myself the other day how I wanted to rant about my husband on the Internetz without him finding it, but still having it associated with my pseudonymous blogger identity. The solution I came up with was guest blogging – asking another blogger to feature my post on their blog. Haven’t gotten there yet, though.
Seems to me that Aunt Becky should start a new site dedicated solely to spouse/partner ranting. Smackmybitchup.com? Or is that too provocative…..
Maybe we should just turn part of Mushroom Printing into “My Husband/Wife is an asshole sometimes,” area.
Pretty sure I’d be blogging about the ‘tattle tale’ next post. LOL
Here’s my take on the first blogging question: You can still get it all out by writing in your own journal on your own computer and having a password protect on that file. Name it something inviting, like, Homemade Cleaning Solutions (pseudonym for murder). Why does it have to be on a blog? Are you really trying to vent or are you seeking vengeance? You need to understand your own motives if you’re not offering rebuttal. I know the general response is, “It’s my blog and I can write what I want,” but that’s not true. Writing a blog is so easy, today, that much is written without filtering, and some heavy personal prices have been paid to do what we teach our children not to do — vent in anger. The old adage, “Act in haste; repent in leisure,” could fit this situation.
Truth is, there is almost no anonymity on the Internet and it’s best to not destroy relationships because you’re pissed off at someone. Ten years from now, you’ll feel different, either because you made up, you’ve moved on, or you’ve seen more of life, and that venting blog will still be available somewhere to haunt you. I’d suggest using a platform like Becky offers, Band Back Together, for those deep hurts/joys and let your blog be as you would be in a live circle of friends, with someone eavesdropping at another table. I’m just sayin’… it’s a very small world out there and memories are long…
So far as number two blogger: Oh, please. That old saw! You’re looking to validate a reason to fool around. Frankly, if it’s at work, the co-worker needs to understand professional language and what’s appropriate, but just because she doesn’t think about what she says, doesn’t mean you have to think she wants YOU! Think about running off with your wife for a week, or so, and refocus your energy. Sorry to be so harsh, but… oh, please…
Poster #2 didnt say HE was married. But I agree with your sentiments. SHE is.
This comment = win.
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This one is near and dear to me, Aunt Becky & Pranksters, because the line between The Work and The Virtual Life is very blurry. My decision has been to follow a couple of key rules, though the result is that my blog is WAYYY dull by comparison to, oh, say MommyWantsVodka, but I don’t have to worry about The Internet tattling on me to The Facebook or The Twitter. My rules:
Don’t write about work in any detail.
When writing about a real person’s real life in The My Blog, I ask first. And finally, as you’ve eloquently said,
Own your words.
Thanks for this one. Oh, and ditto what Monique said about the guy with the co-worker. Yeesh!
Excellent advice. I’m always fascinated by this sort of thing because it IS so personal.
I like to use the DISCLAIMER for my blog, although I seldom write about outside people now that I’m out of school. I used to have a disclaimer at the bottom of all my post to the tune of ‘If you think this is about you and it ends up not being about you, you’re going to look like an ass.’
My current one is this;
“*So here’s the deal. This here is my blog where I write about whatever I want, using whatever verbiage I want, with whatever craptastic grammar I want. Plus, I might be writing about you… or I might not be writing about you. Am I? Am I not? OH MY GOD THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! But seriously, people…don’t ever assume…. EVER. Because I will sic my pet Zombie on your ass in a heartbeat. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?*”
It works well for me. =)
Hey Aunt Becky, This is so timely, because lately I’ve been sharing a hell of a lot on my own blog. You know what though? The people who are good enough to read and respond have been blowing my mind with their awesomeness, so much so that my latest post was a thank you card to all of them. Now, I wasn’t venting about anyone, but disclosing personal stuff that I was unsure about sharing, even being the biggest oversharer in the history of sharing. In my case, it’s been cathartic, helpful, moving, and really more eye opening than I ever anticipated. It’s kind of given me faith in the Intertubes, or at least my corner of it.
I have a totally anonymous blog. I’ve only given the address to 1 person who I trust and who really doesn’t have time to read it anyway. She knows I don’t want it shared. I do NOT link it to Facebook. Ever. My blogging friends I have on Twitter. IRL people are on FB. Ne’er the twain shall meet. I also use pseudonyms – just in case. Besides, it’s kind of fun making up pseudonyms.
It’s those little things you do Aunt Becky that crack me the F up. Like the way you “numbered” your list items – when someone makes me laugh this hard with something so subtle, I know she’s a genius. I’d obey your advice any day of the week.
1- My boyfriend is
the butt of many of my hilarious postsmy muse some times. I am happy to exploit his obsession with his cat, his unnatural relationship with poutine and his insistence that he is secretly Spanish but I NEVER write about our personal “issues”. That’s disrespectful and lame in my books.2- If I was secretly and inappropriately in love with somebody who wasn’t my boyfriend (which I am not… so shut up you tattletale!) I wouldn’t feel free enough to casually drop phrases like “I love you”. But that’s just me.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary author of the “Conscious Parent”
has a new book out called “Out of Control”
How the way we discipline doesn’t work.
The book will challenge your way of thinking.
I could send you a Comp hard copy or an E copy of the book
if you are interested Please contact me at namasteteachings@telus.net