Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
Wow. So, I just found an old flame on facebook. my current husband (#3) is the jealous kind. should i delete him as my friend or keep him as a friend? my husband has not seen that I’ve added him yet. More importantly is there a way to keep him and hide him? I still have the hots for him!
O! Prankster, my Prankster, as far as I’m concerned, The Facebook is good for one thing and one thing only: feeling smugly superior to ex-boyfriends. Since I have none as “friends,” and with the exception of a select few (read: Robert), I happen to think highly of my ex’s, I find Facebook mostly annoying.
Also: once I read that Facebook destroyed like 87% marriages. Although I could be wrong. Numbers aren’t my thing. And those statistical things are usually pretty skewed. Remember when they were all, “most accidents occur within five miles of your house?” And you were all, “HOLY SCHNIKES, IMMA DIE,” every time you went to get a delicious cheeseburger? (Maybe it’s just me)
Until you realized, of course, most of your DRIVING was within five miles of your house, so of course, most accidents would occur there too.
Really, that’s my long-winded way of saying this:
Delete your old flame. He’s your “old” flame for a reason. Then?
Run.
Like.
Hell.
No good can come of this.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I’m back again with another question for Aunt Becky and her Merry Band of Pranksters: I asked you before (that’s a link to her previous question) about my husband’s abusive behavior.
I know the answer to the question “Is it abuse?”
This time, the question is what do I do? I left, he can’t talk to me or come within 100 yards of me, but we have 50-50 custody of our 4-year old son. The ex has left bruises on him twice. I have had to take him to the pediatrician for. 50-50 custody.
I’m begging my attorney for an ex parte with the judge to change the custody situation. I don’t care about child support. I am afraid that he’s going to kill my little boy.
What do I do? Go to the family violence shelter and risk contempt of court charge and losing my job? Send him back and pray? Please help and pray for my baby. Please.
My heart sunk, Prankster, when I read this. Of course we’ll all pray for you.
I’ve dug around a little, and not knowing much about the law or where you live (don’t mention it, I don’t want this to get back to you), I’m not exactly sure what to do besides call the Child Abuse Hotline immediately. They have a 24-7 hotline staffed by counselors who can better navigate the law and how to protect your son.
This is the website for Childhelp.Org and the National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-4-A-Child.
Call social services and make sure that your child’s teacher is aware. Teachers are required to report abuse to social services as well and (according to a brilliant Prankster) may carry more weight with them.
Be sure to document the SHIT out of everything with pictures, doctors notes, you name it.
I wish I had any smarter advice but I have a terrible My Grain and can’t see very well and I don’t want to say something that’s dumber than dumb (read: my normal crap).
Prankster, I am sending you all the love and light that I can. Please be safe.
Pranksters, please, help this Prankster and her son (Prankster, JR) out with all of your brilliant advice and prayers..
I would concur on the advice to delete the old flame. No good can come of that and there is no reason to be connected to an ex.
It can not be said enough….take a picture of every bruise. Write down the date of each injury. Go to the pediatrician for each bruise the day or day after you get your son back from visitation (even if it doesn’t seem major make that appointment, this is for your documentation). If you feel like your pediatrician is not taking the threat seriously, then go to a new one.
Telling the teacher is a great idea. If you attend a church, tell your pastor or priest too (they are required reporters just like teachers!)
Call the child abuse hotline.
If possible, look into counseling for your child right away. This is good for documentation reasons, but also something that he needs at this point.
If you don’t feel that your attorney is being as helpful as he could be….get a new one.
I will be praying for you and for your son.
Prankster #1: Oh, the Plan B. I wrote about that recently (I’ve linked the post here). I advocate The Delete, because he is an ex for a reason. But the Plan B always looks better when the current plan isn’t going as well as you think it should.
Prankster #2: I will be thinking about you and your beautiful boy. Enlist all of the professional help you can possibly get to keep your boy safe.
Prankster The Original: Migraine Be Gone!!!
Prankster #2: Prayers for you and your son, and n addition to other suggestions, check local womens’ needs centers or health centers, there may have some referrals or information that could get you some free legal aid. Many have abuse outreach or shelter information, which is sadly so necessary.
Prankster #1: Beware the emotional affair! If you need to hide a friend from your (presumeably sane and non-abusive) husband, you need to not have that friend. It ends up damaging your relationship, damanging your intimacy – if you are getting some sort of emotional thrill or need met by the friend, you are not going to look for it in your spouse, and that is no good for your marriage, even if your intent and motives are fairly innocuous (which they may not be if you are still noticing the X-Man is hot…)
Prankster #1, 69& of statistics are made up on the spot, but I agree on deleting him. It sounds like you still have feelings for him, which isn’t fair to your husband.
Prankster #2, I have no advice, bur I’ll be praying for you. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Maybe your attorney can give you some advice regarding contempt of court? I hope a legal way to keep your ex from hurting your child can be found very sound.
Prankster #2 – I went through the same issues with my son and his father. I don’t know what state you are in, but I am in Florida. I hired a lawyer and he got the judge to issues a emergency order effective immediately ordering supervised visitation until we had a hearing. The hearing was maybe 2 months later and I was awarded full custody and the ex with supervised visitation.
I know all states work differently, but if you have records from the pediatrician that you son came home with bruises consistant with abuse, then a judge should be able to grant something. The one thing my lawyer told me is not to ask for no visitation, as judges do not like to order that except in extreme situations. That is why we went with supervised visitation. We showed that I was not trying to keep the ex from seeing my son, but that there needed to be someone else around. Again this is all in Florida, so things may be different. Good luck and dont let up.
#1 Delete, delete, delete.
#2 Call everyone you can. Attorneys, child abuse specialists, ANYONE. It shouldn’t be too hard to make a case if that is why you left him, though proving it is always the hardest part. You have ALL of my thoughts and prayers for this to work out for you and your son. Take care…
Well what if your hubbie had the “hots” for one of his exes and had them on Facebook… Would you be ok with that? I try to put myself in my beloveds place and see it where he is coming from, it is a great grounding tool. Try it, it might just work for you!
This is for #2: Your attorney has a law degree for a reason, and obviously specialized in family law. S/he knows the law and the ramifications; you *must* talk to your attorney about all this. If your attorney is not getting the results you want, hunt like hell for a shark who will rip your soon-to-be-ex to bloody shreds in court. They’re out there. My husband got custody of his then-9-year-old (now a successful 20 year old) daughter in a state mostly custody friendly to moms because he documented the physical and emotional abuse her mom and her mom’s boyfriend put her through. It was ugly, but he got a killer lawyer and she got that shit DONE.
All that being said, if you are afraid your son won’t make it home from a custody visit….and it’s the weekend and your lawyer isn’t there or can’t return your call? I’d keep my kid and wait for the cops to show up (assuming your ex is the sort of asshole who would call them on you) – when they do, I’d show them all the papers and pictures and tell them that they can take him but they’re complicit in his abuse and danger of fatality. I’d tell them you’re a battered woman and you are going to court to remove his parental rights because your ex is wounding your small child because he can’t wound you anymore. There are a LOT of good cops out there, and your kid is worth the risk.
Hang in there, remember why you left and that the leaving was the hardest part. You’re out. You’re moving on. And the most dangerous animal in the world is a mother protecting her child. He should watch out for YOU baby, you’ll get it done.
Much love and prayers from this mom to you.
I second all of the above. Also the advice about seeking legal aid referrals at a womens’ shelter. In the above scenario, i would keep the kid and call the cops myself, not just wait for them to show up. Then i would do as Sam said. I will be praying for you and your son.
Katrina – you’re totally right; I amend that to read “CALL the cops” and then explain. They’ll have to start an investigation and/or talk to the ex. At least then he’ll know she’s willing to do it and CPS (child protective services) would certainly start an investigation even if the police can’t do anything immediately!
The old flame’s name should always be “Zippo” in my opinion… sums up the flame, the old, and the approximate worth of having he/she around.
BTW, you’ve been awarded a very prestigious award over at my site, and to refuse to accept would just be rude as hell. Besides, someone gave it to me, and you know the rules…
http://squatlo-rant.blogspot.com/2011/03/shameless-self-promotion-alert-blog.html
Your advice for both was solid. Sending prayers up for number 2. If I find out anything more for number 2, I’ll come back by!
How old is mini-prankster? If he understands what is happening and doesnt want to go with Evil Ass Bug then you should tell him to speak up. Tell a teacher, principal, walk up to a cop!!! Anything. They’ll all report it and he will be assigned a child advocate. This is a lawyer whose sole purpose is protecting your little man. My heart breaks for you, THIS is why I’m in law school, THIS is what I want to fix in the world. No one deserves that. I hope someone can do that for you, if I’d taken the bar I’d attach my phone number and help more 🙁 good luck! My prayers are with you!!
#1 delete since you still have feelings for him.
#2 I am sending lots of light and love your way.
Prankster #2, first I want to say I’m sorry your ex is such an ass. He must be a small man to want to bruise a young child who can’t defend himself. I agree with the above advice to document EVERYTHING. Take pictures, keep notes about your son’s reactions to his father, anything negative that your son says about his father, or anything he says his dad said against him. Tell your family and friends to do the same. Make sure the pediatrician is as well. You never know when they might see or hear something you would otherwise miss.
If you think he is in immediate danger at anytime, call the police. They will check it out, and I know from reading your previous posts that they have knowledge of your situation. Also, if you are having to beg your attorney to do what he or she needs to do, its time for a new attorney. You are paying them. They should be doing what you want unless it is something that would be detrimental to you, and I can’t see how this would. Someone above suggested you get a “shark.” I totally agree. You need someone who is cutthroat, bloodthirsty, and mean as a snake. You don’t have to like them. You don’t have to like what they do. Just focus on the fact that they are out to gut the man who caused you misery and is now laying hands on your child. Let them chew him up and spit him out. It’s no more than he deserves.
Prankster, I’ve thought of you and worried for you ever since your first post. I hoped things were going better, but I think you are very close to freedom. Hang in there just a little bit longer, You have my prayers. Please let us know what you find out if you can.
Hey, prankster two. Prayers coming at you and your son.
in teh Uk the police recognise just how dangerous a violent partner can become towards their children when they no longer have access to their partner. Its the RISKIEST time. Has your boy told you how he got his bruises? Is he old enough to tell a police officer? PLEASE report the assault on your child to a police officer NOW. They have specialist officers to deal with child abuse. They have even managed to get court-worthy and case-winning evidence from 2 year olds. TELL YOUR LAWYER. tell social services and his teacher. Get photos. get it fully documented at your Doctor, tell them how it happened.Its a CRIME to deliberately assault and cause bruises to a child. I agree with katrina to keep your boy safe in your own sights and lodge and emergency injunction with the courts, pre-empt any attempt for him to call the police on you for breach of custidy arrangements. Its much more impactive if you take the initiative in reporting it rather than just sitting waiting for someone to come tell you you should have taken your boy into the house of that abuser and you only then explain why you haven’t.
Prankster one – Facebook is not your friend. The way you refer to your husband as your “current” husband” sounds a warning bell for me. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment and obviously I know nothing about how yours works but it sounds like a temporary fixture in your life from that.I think also that your husband is your third husband? he may well become your third ex-husband if you keep this old flame as a friend. I believe you need to have a long hard think about your marriage and what it means to you if you are prepared to upset your husband over something as trivial as Facebook friends. If you still LOVE your old flame then, well, you’ve got your own answer already. Otherwise please respect yourself and your husband (if he’s a good one!)and delete the old flame.
my reply to prankster #1 vanished. In case its just being moderated I’ll not repeat it all but mainly, REPORT teh abuse on your child NOW to the police or social services. Your ex has committed a criminal offence in hitting your son. Please do it now. Then get yor lawyer to arrange an emergency injunction and supervised access until its sorted out. With love and prayers to you both.
Sorry, Prankster #1, I can’t EVEN begin to be nice about this. Just divorce your husband already. Clearly he HAS GOOD REASON to be “the jealous type,” and until you can get over the fact that your ex is just that, an EX, well, he will find someone a LOT more loyal. I HATE Facebook because people like you and your ex ruin a lot of relationships because we all want to thhink we can go back and change the past when the best stuff in our life is right.in.front of us. Really.
Prankster #2? I just agree with what everyone else is saying here, and I send you thoughts of peace and strength.
Prankster #2: I don’t think you even need an ex parte. What you do need is an emergency protection order which they should be able to grant. I’m not sure if you can afford an attorney, but if you can go to your attorney and tell them what is going on so this can get filed. From there they can make a modification to the custody order. If you’ve got documentation and an emergency order, I don’t know why they wouldn’t be willing to amend the custody order.
GOOD LUCK