Go Ask Aunt Becky
Hi Aunt Becky!
Is there a way to subscribe to your blog via email? I didn’t see it, but thought I’d ask on the off chance I missed it.
Best,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for pointing that issue out. Like my blogroll, which has gone missing, I think the email subscription is now back in black. Er…no. But it’s back. Go to the bottom of my sidebar and you’ll see it.
See?
Dear Aunt Becky,
Lately my best friend has been analyzing my relationship with my boyfriend and has deemed him unworthy of my time. I strongly disagree with her as I know for a fact that her idea of a relationship is vastly different than mine and that I am QUITE happy in my relationship.
See, I believe a relationship is a two-way street, we both give and we both take. My boyfriend is wonderful and always gives more than takes.
Her view of a relationship is that the female (aka herself) is the end all be all and if it isn’t her way, then it’s the highway. Her current boyfriend has bought her a car, paid for her school’s tuition, let her room in his house for 8 months without doing anything for the household and currently buys her and her family food. I cannot think of one thing that she has given him besides her time.
Because my boyfriend does not do all of this for me (heaven forbid that he works and makes money that he saves so that we can own a house one day!) she believes I am unhappy.
She’s so convinced that I need a new bf who will do this for me that a few weeks ago she told me about a guy who wants to take me out for coffee and she told me I should do it – while I’m still with my bf!
Now, I know our ideas of relationships are different, and I know she is looking out for the best of me but how do I tell her that I value our friendship but I want her to back the fuck off of me so that I can be happy with my bf?
Dear Prankster,
I would tell your best friend exactly what you think, since she seems to have no trouble telling you what she thinks. There are no two relationships that are exactly the same – nor should they be. That’d be like expecting that every brunette is brilliant or every blond is ditzy.
If you’re not unhappy in your relationship – which it sounds like you’re not – tell her so and if she insists that you are, ask her politely to drop the matter. There’s no reason to debate this. You’re not unhappy. Period. Back off. Period.
You don’t have to be a bitch about it, just tell her the truth.
Good luck, Prankster.
Dear Aunt Becky,
Let me start by saying that I love my husband.
We’ve been married for almost 15 years and have 4 kids. He is my best friend. Truly. But. There’s always a but, right? I have had this on and off contact (via mail or email only – no phone, no face to face ever) with my high school boyfriend for oh, the last 20 years. This isn’t a “reconnected on facebook now want to dump my husband” thing. This is an, “I have loved this guy for over half of my life, what do I do now” thing.
I have always been a very private person. I have always kept a lot to myself. My husband was aware of the deep connection I had with my HS BF, even knew that we kept in touch for several years into our marriage. He was not threatened by this, as the HS BF lives about 2000 miles away. There have been times when we wouldn’t be in touch for a couple of years, but then, with a random email or a text – we pick right back up where we left off. I have never physically been unfaithful to my husband.
This feels unfaithful though, and I am horrified. I feel like within the past year, the (virtual) relationship with the HS BF has taken a turn, and we’ve become much closer.
He wants to see me.
Can you be in love with two people? I know you are going to say I am a terrible wife, mother, friend. I know you are going to say that there is a reason we broke up in the first place, I KNOW all of that in my heart. But I cannot seem to let this guy go! What is wrong with me?? I KNOW that seeing him can only hurt someone that I honest to God love deeply, my best friend, my husband. And my kids. I’m so lost. I feel so selfish. I think about my HS BF constantly. We chat (virtually) every day. It’s like I have compartmentalized these two relationships, and I am afraid to make any decisions. I do not want to lose my HS BF. Please, please just be mean to me and tell me I’m scum. I’m so ashamed. But I can’t walk away from either of them.
I don’t know what to do…
Dear Prankster,
I don’t think you’re scum. I don’t even think you’re mean – I think you’re confused. And understandably so.
However, you need to take stock of your virtual relationship with your high school boyfriend and decide what it is, really, that you’re getting out of it. Is it an escape? A friendship? Someone who makes you feel special?
Once you do some deep soul-searching, I think you need to come clean to each of them. Yeah, I know, it sounds scary as fuck, but you don’t have much of a choice. Let me tell you that living a life of duplicity isn’t exactly easy or fun. So stop doing it.
Take some time off to just think. Don’t contact your high school boyfriend, take a weekend away to a nice hotel WITHOUT HIM IN IT and just THINK. What is it that you want? What will make you happy? What do you need?
Once you can answer these questions, I think you’ll be able to see what it is you must do next.
Dear Aunt Backy,
When I left a comment it got deleted. The last time I had surgery you said I should have emailed you. I can’t access your email for some reaons. It just takes me to your FB page and I’m not allowed to have FB. So I told you in a comment tonight that I had mono and surgery to remove my spleen. Maybe it was deleted because it was off-topic. If it gets deleted again i’ll know that it’s because it’s too far off topic. Sorry. My friends are at universities far from where I am, and I have no actual friends at my university because I’m sixteen and look much younger so they don’t want to hang around a little kid. I’m bored and lonely.
Your niece,
Alexis
Aww, girl, I didn’t delete any comment. It probably got caught in my stupid spam filter. *kicks spam filter*
I love you! Feel better soon!
This is in answer to Prankster #3 who is having a cyber relationship with her highschool beau. Just want to say that I have been there, done that. My recommendation is to FIGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! I have made the mistake of NOT fighting and it lead to nothing but heartbreak for me. These men are in it for the hunt. Once they conquer they move on.
I apologize but I also respectfully disagree with Aunt B. I don’t agree that you should confess to your husband. This will only hurt him unnecessarily and he will be suspicious of any future online activity that you have for all eternity.
If you think this is going to be a serious problem, I urge you to seek professional counseling. I waited too long and got into too much trouble. Please don’t make the mistakes that I have made and I am sure many other women besides me.
Your friend,
Nuaghty Kitty
Advice for the woman with the old boyfriend online- I would highly suggest you read Sex at Dawn, by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It might make you feel less like something is wrong with you. Nothing is, what you feel is a totally normal human thing, it just isn’t socially accepted.
…Which is a big deal. The advice to come clean and decide what you want to do is still the same, because this is where and how we live, for better and for worse. But I would still say read that book- it might really help you get some peace about how you feel.
Love,
G
I think Letter Writer 2 should try to set Nosy-Friend-With-a-Boyfriend up with a guy,, and see how she likes it. Not to be a bitch to her, but to show her how it feels to have someone try to undermine your relationship. Sometimes self centered people don’t get it when you try to explain you feelings. I’ve found that putting the person in your shoes works a little better.
I’m going to echo Naughty Kitty here:
“My recommendation is to FIGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! I have made the mistake of NOT fighting and it lead to nothing but heartbreak for me. These men are in it for the hunt. Once they conquer they move on.”
I’ll add the caveat that your high school boyfriend may not *realize* that he’s in it for the hunt…and you both probably feel very much in love. But the question is, will it last. Well, the strong connection has lasted for this long, right…? But. It’s only lasted over the years in one form. The strictly online and letters thing is a very different from real life…
You know that love has been enduring with your husband. You do not know that love in a relationship right now with your high school boyfriend would work out. It’s a huge gamble, and if it doesn’t, you’ll lose everything and it may be incredibly difficult to pick yourself up.
The ‘can you be in love with two people’ question is one I asked myself when I went through this. When the other guy upped the ante and wanted to see me, I met up with him and after that, everything fell apart. I was honest with everyone, and both guys knew about eachother and waited while I tried to suss things out and look for a resolution – I genuinely believed I loved them both so couldn’t choose. That strain eventually cracked the decade-long relationship I was in, so we broke up, and I figured it was a resolution of sorts and went with the other guy.
…Who was only in it for the conquest, afterall. Once he’d ‘got’ me, he lost interest. I wished I’d been strong enough to resist the ‘need’ to be contact with him online (daily, as you are – the thought of not having that felt very bleak at the time) or incisive enough to see what was really going on. But emotion massively clouded things. And additionally, I had taken the relationship I was in for granted…which I think can creep in over time if you aren’t careful.
As Aunt Becky says, really question your motives. And the high school BFs (why does he want to meet *now*?).
I think in retrospect, I had low self-esteem at the time and someone giving me so much understanding and attention made me feel like I ‘needed’ that contact.
But ultimately, it really wasn’t worth the damage it caused.
The stakes are really high here, so if you’re going to take the risk, be absolutely sure what you can afford to lose.
“Once you do some deep soul-searching, I think you need to come clean to each of them. Yeah, I know, it sounds scary as fuck, but you don’t have much of a choice.”
NO NO NO! Do not come clean. At this point, you’ve done nothing but get emotionally invested. That’s bad enough. Do not compound it by coming clean. That’ll be great for your conscience but a nightmare for your relationship. What good will it do your husband? It’ll hurt him and make him not trust you. It would be profoundly selfish to tell him.
“Let me tell you that living a life of duplicity isn’t exactly easy or fun. So stop doing it.”
THIS. This I agree with wholeheartedly. GTFO. Back away from the highschool bf. You are married happily. Unless you think your husband is going to go for polyamory, you cannot have both. So stay with the one you’ve committed to being with.
And yes, you can love two people. You just can’t have them both.
At Prankster #3…. I would also remember before you make any huge life changing decisions that you have 4 kids. You and your husband decided together to bring these lives into the world and EVERYTHING you do affects them. If you decide to meet this HS BF after so long and in a date setting it turns into Adultery sooner or later. And how are you going to explain that to your kids? Think long and hard about what you HAVE now and what you THINK you will get with him. Is it really worth the risk?
p.s. there are many different forms of adultery. emotional, sexual… etc. All are hard to deal with and it is better in most cases if you just say no.