Mommy Wants Vodka

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Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

So here’s the problem.  I’ve been writing a blog for a few years now. It has a decent following, with regular commenters. My issue is that one of my commenters is going overboard.  In a bad way.  Everything I say, she feels the need to one-up. Her comments are often longer than my posts.  And they are all about her.  It’s as if she’s writing a blog–she’s just using MY blog to do it.

Now, I don’t much care.  I ignore the comments.  Whatever–I’m busy and don’t have a ton of time for junk like this. The problem is that my readers REGULARLY email me and tell me they want to punch her in the face.  That’s a direct quote.  “I want to punch her in the face.”  They want me to call her out on her inappropriate behavior.  I’ve had readers tell me that they feel like they don’t want to read my blog anymore and they don’t want to leave a comment because of this woman.

So. . .what do I do?  I am embarrassed for her.  I feel bad that everyone is talking about her.  And I’m at the point where I’m frustrated that she can’t realize how inappropriate she’s being.  She’s a grown-ass woman, acting like an obnoxious pre-teen.  But I don’t know what to do without offending her.

Waiting for you to weigh in.

Embarrassed For Her

Oh Prankster, that woman sounds like a tool. But, it’s the Internet and tools abound (see also: Mommy Wants Vodka).

The answer isn’t that simple, either. You can:

1) Email her privately and politely ask her to stop leaving such comments (I don’t know the context of these comments, so I cannot speak to how obnoxious or inappropriate they are).

Pros: make yourself look like less of an ass.

Cons: she’s bound to take it the wrong way. Why? Because from your question, she sounds like quite a crotch rocket.

2) Publicly oust her on your blog.

Pros: your readers can join in and help drive the point home.

Cons: You look like an asshole and possibly scare off OTHERS who may want to comment on your blog.

3) Let your readers take care of her.

Pros: You don’t have to do anything to look like an ass.

Cons: She may troll your readers.

4) Block her IP address and/or delete comments.

Pros: You don’t have to really DO anything.

Cons: She may not realize what a crotch rocket she is.

What would *I* do? I’d delete the comments. This isn’t to say that I regularly do (although my somewhat overzealous spam filter does), but I’m not a firm believer in anonymous internet dickwads having the right to fling shit all over my blog. Period.

Let us know what you decide.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I work in a typical office setting with people working in cubicals where you can hear everything everyone does: talking on the phone, clipping nails, ovulating, etc.  It’s just part of life and you get through it through by making silently disgusted faces with your office friends after someone hacks up a lung down the hall.  And by drinking.  That’s the background.  

Now we have someone who sits by the lunch room door and is suddenly very disturbed by all the talking and chewing sounds going on in here that he wants the door to be closed at all time, no matter what.  Apparently the hum of the vending machines is irritating the voices in his head.  

Having this door closed is a MAJOR inconvenience since it requires me to exert energy.  Not to mention nearly impossible if my hands are full carrying in my Hungry Man dinners.  Plus I hate him and don’t want to comply.  He has become the Lunch Room Door Hall Monitor and is up and out of his seat to close the door at the slightest level of ajarness.  

I would guess his work productively has taken a nose dive – but who cares about that.  I am a cordial type and begrudgingly close the door, but leave it open if it’s to just to do something quick, like wash an apple and then close it on my way out.  This is tantamount to mutiny and I have an appt with my parole officer next week for this grievance.  

It’s ridunk.  

I never say that, so you know I’m serious.  I’ve actually mentioned that it’s getting out of control to the highest of ups here and assumed they would agree with me.  Nope.  They say we need to keep the door closed.  For this ONE person, where the whole rest of the building could give a rip and hate it.  He’s getting combative and aggressive about his door patrols and I SO BADLY want to NOT close it or SLAM! it, but sadly that would be unbecoming.  


(besides submit the idea to The Office).  

Thanks so much.

Well, I need photographic evidence of this guy. Like, I want a video of this guy being The Door Guy.

Then, I’d suggest a slow, subtle drip-drip method of annoyance. In no particular order:

1) Rip ass as you are walking past his cubicle. Every. Single. Time. If you have no extra flatulence, buy the Fart O Matic app from the iPhone store. It’s beyond awesome.

2) Whenever walking past his cube, make sure to make some really obnoxious noise. I’m talking an AAHHHHHHHH as you drink your soda. A MMMMMMMM as you inhale your undoubtedly delicious Hungry Man dinner. A SNOOOOOOORT as you breathe in. Really, there’s no end of it.

3) Insist that he get the door for you, every time. Make up reasons. Beg that he shut it, too. Just give him the AW SHUCKS face.

4) Give him a tip jar for his desk.

5) Begin storing your personal supplies on his desk. Say, “Oh I’m going to just be a moment.” Then never come back.

Pranksters? Other suggestions for these brilliant question askers?

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
17 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On October 30th, 2011 at 12:54 am Alexis Says:

    Regarding Question #1, I haven’t a clue but suspect that deleting the comments of the socially inept commenter would be the best option. Everything that Aunt Becky suggested for Question #2 is divinely inspired. I can add one more suggestion, which is to sic the Mormon missionaries on the idiot, unless he’s already a Mormon, in which case the Jehovah’s Witnesses could be tipped off that he’s a good candidate for conversion to the 144, 000 if they knock on his door enough times on early Saturday mornings.

  2. On October 30th, 2011 at 9:21 am SharleneT Says:

    Don’t know if deleting the comment would do it — she may never return for follow-ups and know that it’s been done. Maybe write a column on how to comment on blogs and include that in the rules? For number two, I think he’s working very hard to get a cubicle near a window or closer to the higher ups and, if he’s able to convince them that the open door affects his work ethic (if they accept that excuse, they deserve each other), he just might get it. I’d start complaining about the overhead lighting or the color of the computer screen giving me headaches.

  3. On October 30th, 2011 at 11:57 am Linda Sand Says:

    I would sweetly remind #2 that a gentleman always opens the door and let him be in charge of both opening and closing the door. For all of us. For every trip.

  4. On October 30th, 2011 at 9:55 pm Amelia Says:

    LOVE this!

  5. On October 30th, 2011 at 1:11 pm Kyddryn Says:

    Regarding the second…hmm…I wonder, if someone told the PTB that they were claustrophobic and closing the lunch room door causes panic attacks, what the response would be. I agree that it sounds like someone is bucking for a different, better cubicle. Either that or there’s an “Asshat of the Year” award and no one told me about it. Perhaps an MP3 player and some ear buds are in order. It could just be possible that he is upset that he’s not PART of the conversation and lunchtime camaraderie. It’s interesting that it’s the noise he complains about – back in the dark ages, when I still worked, it was the SMELL of the lunch room that offended – something of a cross between boiled cabbage, gym shoes, and sour tomato sauce. Ugh. I still need therapy…

    Shade and Sweetwater,

  6. On October 30th, 2011 at 6:27 pm nmsp6 Says:

    With regard to #2: I, personally, would punch him in his mouth. Directly. With vigor. If that doesn’t work to drive the point home that he’s being an ass nugget about the door, then I’d taze him in the head. Of course, I work in an office were everyone is uniformed, armed and carries handcuffs… so tazing may not be the appropriate go-to move in this particular prankster’s office environment. (Handcuffs, however, are easily obtained – So you might consider cuffing his obnoxious ass to the door. Just saying.)

  7. On October 30th, 2011 at 7:28 pm Maggie Says:

    Perhaps LW #2 in their upcoming meeting with the parole officer the writer should suggest that this cubic-dweeb would benefit from a new location. Then sweetly suggest that he switches with whomever has the cube closest to the bathroom.

    I’d much prefer sitting next to the kitchen than the potty.

  8. On October 30th, 2011 at 7:31 pm Maura Says:

    The sound of my crass coworker clipping his fingernails into the wastebasket as he chats on the phone is enough to drive me to distraction.

    Dude. I don’t pluck my chin hairs in your office. Clip your damn nails at home.

    Also, Question #1 happens at one point to all bloggers. I’m a personal fan of the “delete and never refer to them again” school of thought. After a while of their ruminations just “disappearing” – so will they.

  9. On October 30th, 2011 at 8:02 pm Samantha Says:

    I don’t understand what the big deal is about keeping the door closed. If my cubicle was right next to the lunch room, the noises might distract me too. I have a feeling that this guy is just easily distracted by outside noise, something he can’t help, and I think the person who sent in that question sounds a little bit mean. Just keep the door closed. It’s no big deal. It’s certainly not something to “retaliate” against. Or even get upset over. In my opinion.

  10. On October 31st, 2011 at 8:00 am Jamie Says:

    I’m with Samantha on this. I don’t really see why it’s such a big deal to just shut the door to the lunchroom. I find it kind of odd that it was always left open to begin with.

    As for the first question, I’d just delete and block the crazy reader. That’s probably going to happen to me now for what I said about lunchroom guy. Crap.

  11. On October 31st, 2011 at 8:34 am marg Says:

    Cut the guy a break. He’s got a lousy location. Maybe he has sensory issues and really can’t concentrate with the hum of the vending machines or the inane chatter. The Prankster is setting herself for some big slapdown by management if she doesn’t act prefessionally. Close the door. Keep peace in the workplace.

  12. On October 31st, 2011 at 9:06 am Vesta Vayne Says:

    Eesh, I can see why the person that wrote question 2 is annoyed, but I can also agree with the last two comments. At my last job, my first, windowless office was by the shared copier. I can’t tell you how many asinine conversations I had to listen to, because my coworkers congregated there to chat. Very annoying. On the other hand, I never threw a hissy fit about it.
    Offices? Suck. Someone is always going to get their panties/boxers in a knot over something.

  13. On October 31st, 2011 at 10:04 am Lisa Says:

    Who the fuck clips their nails in a cubicle? Anyway, I feel bad for the guy. There is a condition called Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome, (my daughter has this). People who have this disorder cannot tolerate the sounds of chewing food, clearing throats, among several other everyday noises that most people don’t even notice. For them to hear a person chewing gum, say for instance, to them it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. If the guy had any brains at all, he should ask to have his desk moved to the other side of the room, as far as possible away from the lunchroom.

  14. On October 31st, 2011 at 12:52 pm Tom Says:

    To Embarrassed For Her … I’d delete the posts, too. Anonymous will get the hint. Another option would be to eliminate anonymous comments entirely.

    Re: Lunch Room Door Hall Monitor – In addition to Aunt Becky’s thoughtful and loving suggestions, I’d be really tempted to take up a collection to buy dude a big set of headphones. You only get a short lunch break and you don’t want to spend one second of it dealing with a douche bag at the door. That’s why they call it a break. He’s an asshole. Farting, of course, will make you feel better.

    AB, you have the most thoughtful and delightful readers … each of whom appears to have mastered the nuances of Human Resources from the employees point of view. GIVE THEM ALL A RAISE!

  15. On October 31st, 2011 at 1:18 pm Kristin Says:

    Thanks, AB, for the excellent suggestions for #2! The Situation Room (as I call it now ) is still the same: closed and highly monitored. I’ve almost come to terms with it and may let go of my irritation of it soon. Maybe. Perhaps I am being mean-spirited about this as some have suggested, but that’s a result of the way this guy has gone about it. There are a number of other details that illustrate why this one person is being a dickwad, but I’ll just say that now when people refer to this guy, they either roll their eyes or shake their head. That helps.

  16. On October 31st, 2011 at 6:23 pm ScienceGeek Says:

    #1 Oh hon, you’ve got a Comment Parasite. It’s not ‘as if’ she’s using your blog to write her own, that’s EXACTLY what she’s doing. She’s a terrible blogger, so she’s attached herself to a much better blog to get attention.
    The thing about parasites is – they drain the host dry and move on to the next one. When she’s driven away all of your readers, she’ll write some bitchy comment about how ‘this blog has changed’ and find her next victim.

    Obviously, I’m not saying you should drive Miss Socially inept out of your blog with a pointy stick, but for the sake of your other readers, you need to at least demonstrate that you don’t condone her behaviour. And I’m sorry to say this, but I’m arraid there’s no way you can call her out without offending her. This woman is so full of herself that any little pin-prick of criticism will cause her to bust like a balloon full of hurt feelings. All you can do is maintain the high ground and stay polite, and make sure all your other readers who are gettin’ punchy do the same when they inevitably join in.

    Personally, I’m a big fan of the ‘face it like an incoming train’ method (which may be why I’ve gotten run over so many times!), but if you’d rather be more subtle, limit the number of words/letters people can use in their comments. (If you run java, here’s a link showing you how: Or set up a ‘comments guideline’, stating that excessively long comments will be deleted.
    Or, you know, be really passive agressive and write a post on Comment Parasites. Maybe entitle it ‘Are you a Comment Parasite?’ and include a little checklist, and encourage your readers to join in with their own examples. That might wake her up a little.

  17. On November 18th, 2011 at 8:58 pm Bethie Says:

    For the first- I would simply delete the comments. She’ll either get the hint or let you know you have to take different action.
    For the second..but an annoy-a-tron from ThinkGeek. It makes random noises that aren’t too annoying at first but after about an hour it will drive him bananas. My husband left one on top of my refrigerator for me and by the time he got home 12 hours later I was nearly hysterical. Isn’t he sweet?

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