Go Ask Aunt Becky
What do you do if you have an annoying friend who lacks all originality and copies the shit you do while all the while trying to pretend she’s totally authentic? Buys the same stuff (clothes, accessories), tries to dress her kid like yours, and let’s not start on the blog…
*sighs*
So first off, let me say that I’m sorry and that it’s annoying and that while people will tell you to be flattered, I’ve never once been flattered. Mostly I’ve wanted to make sure that my brain matter didn’t pop out through my eyeballs because I was so mad. I loathe being copied nearly as much as I loathe pretentious American people who add a “u” in words like “favourite”.
(you get a pass if you’re European, Canadian or were raised that way. Because, obviously.)
Just like, I’m sure, you do.
It’s the highest form of flattery, MY ASS. Maybe when you’re 8 or something, but not when you’re an adult. But it happens.
Here’s the rub though, my love. You can’t go swinging around, accusing people of ripping off your ideas, your catch phrases, your awful awesome sense of style without looking like a complete jackass.
There’s just no polite way to say “STOP COPYING ME” without sounding like you’re either so full of yourself that you need an extra chair for your ego or like you’re 12 and decorating your Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper with heart stickers.
If it bothers you as much as it bothers me, I’d delete, delete, delete and get as far away as you can. Or I’d ignore her blatant rip-off and hope like hell that people see that she’s obviously the copy-cat.
Frankly, I don’t think I could be the bigger person here because I am highly immature like that.
You must let me know how you handle it, love.
So, my son has this doctor that people from all over the world come to see for a very specific problem. He has a great team of researchers, nurses, nurse practitioners, and office personnel. He, on the other hand, while as brilliant and smart as anyone I’ve ever met, has the bedside manner of Dr House, perhaps worse. We have to keep him. He’s hard to get, and knows what he’s doing. But for the love of all things good, how on earth can I handle this man’s attitude?
Ah, Dr. Asshole. My favorite.
Obviously, you can’t break up with him and that sucks. Any way that you can sneak in a Xanax for yourself to take before you have to see him? I know Mimi’s neurosurgeon was brilliant but was abrupt and made me want to kill myself, so I always went in medicated. I was also in crisis mode, so I didn’t feel a thing anyway and sat there hysterical anyway.
If that isn’t an answer, I’d arm yourself with a notepad and pen and write down whatever questions that you have to ask him and try to focus on the notepad in front of you. That’s how they teach smokers to get through a craving, to focus on one small thing in front of them, and it works.
I’d try and distance myself PERSONALLY from his attitude as much as I could–because I assure you that he’s not being kept up at night wondering how to deal with YOU–and remind myself through clenched teeth that he was a cocky motherfucker, but that he was a cocky motherfucker who got the job DONE.
What should you do if you keep thinking of your ex – in a good way? Not a terrible break up, divorced because of needing to be in different places at once. It’s been 10 years, and haven’t spoken to him again. He still lives where he originally moved to, and I still live where I wouldn’t move from. (and never the twain shall meet)
I just think about him more than normal I guess. Wonder what things would have been like. How dangerous is this thinking? And, do you think he is thinking of me? :o)
Oh Gentle Reader, Your Aunt Becky SUCKS in matters of the heart, but for your heart, I will make a stab at answering this very honest question to the best of my ability. I’m sure my much more qualified readers will be able to help wherever I leave you hanging.
I think that some people leave a mark on us that’s ingrained into our psyche deeper than we can ever erase, no matter how much time or distance we can put between us. I don’t mean that we all have some unrequited love out there, just waiting to have some crazy Hollywood ending, but just that some people leave a bigger impression on us–for some reason–than others.
In times of weakness, or happiness, or sorrow, or any sort of strong changing emotions, we draw back to those people, consciously or no and think about them and the what-might-have-been’s. Sometimes, these are just nice daydreams and fantasies and other times they can send you to places you probably shouldn’t go.
It’s up to you to figure out which this is.
I’m sure your ex husband thinks of you, probably fondly sometimes, maybe not so much others (your split certainly sounded amicable, which deserves a round of applause from me)(*applauds you*) but you need to remember that you got divorced for a reason.
Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton twice and divorced him, well, twice.
Perhaps you’re just thinking fondly back to that time in your life and remember how wonderful things were back then.
If I were you, I’d take a step back and try and figure out where these emotions are coming from. I wish you the best of luck, my friend. I’m sure my readers will have excellent advice for you wherever I screwed up.
So, readers, HALP ME.
And, as always, click the Ask Aunt Becky link on my sidebar to submit a question for my crappy noteworthy amazing should be banned from the internet advice column.
I want to share an opinion with the person who has Dr. Asshole. Specialists are known for their arrogant attitudes. The higher up the food chain they are in terms of specialties, the worse they get. My advice? Make sure you are as educated as you can possibly be when you go in to see Dr. Asshole. Learn the lingo (I’m sure you already know it) and speak it to him. Don’t waste time on niceties or casual conversation. He wants just the facts. Hit him with the main points for your visit, be straightforward and keep emotion to a minimum no matter what he tells you. You’ll earn his respect & that will take you far in knocking some of the attitude out of his demeanor. I have found that this works really well for my son’s specialists, including our neurosurgeon (who will actually sit and chat with me about frivolous things now).
Good luck!
@Kate BRILLIANT suggestions. I knew you’d have some killer advice to offer here. Thank you.
Oh how I love you.
@flutter And I love you.
I’ve got nothing to add to anything, but man do I love you.
@Kristine I love you too.
Any excuse for a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper reference is spectacular in my book.
@Jennifer I am crying because I cannot comment on your blog. Stupid capitcha box won’t let me scroll down. Also? Remember how hot Trappers were?
It’s quite clear my blog hates you. I shut off the captcha thingy days ago when you said it was blocking you. I did it FOR YOU! Anywho, I logged out and tried commented anonymously and it worked for me so I have no idea.
Trapper Keepers ruled. Plus constant velcro sounds – great to annoy teachers with.
The only time I’ve ever really wanted to hit my daughter is when she copies me…you know when someone repeats what you say and stuff? so.freakin’.annoying.
I think that your advice to the woman who thinks of her ex is very astute. People affect us in varying degrees and that’s the way life is. I think figuring out why is fascinating and ultimately helpful….
@moonspun I get really irritated when people copy me. Of course, it can’t be proven, and obviously, I’m never going to be all “DAMN GIRL, POP OFF” but it sucks.
I’m glad you like my ex advice. I hate giving love advice. I’m really not good at that stuff. I got married young. Had a kid young. I don’t know much about that stuff and I don’t really pretend to. I hope I didn’t steer her wrong.
I think you should call the “copy-cat,” out but you don’t have to be rude. You could say something like, “I see you liked my __________, so much that you went out and bought one, got one, used it in your blog, etc.
At least it brings it to their attention that you’re aware.
KWIM???
@the rambling housewife Also a great suggestion! I love it! I’m dying to know what she does to this person.
I’m so snarky that I would buy something totally hideous & wear it one time around the copycat just so she would do the same & then I could laugh at her and feel the satisfaction of knowing others were laughing, as well.
I’m really mature like that. 😉
There’s really nothing new under the sun, so I don’t get all worked up if someone likes something at the same time that I do, you know? The problem is, that everyone wants to think they are original because we’ve put value on that. The copying part isn’t the part that needs to change, it’s the mindset that one is original or wants to be original.
@Melanie Absolutely there’s nothing new under the sun and everything has been done before and of course many people are going to like the same thing because, well, that’s what trends are for! But there’s liking the same things and feeling like someone wants to be just like you. I’ve known people who do both.
And you’re absolutely right. Part of it is perception. Totally.
When I was a bit younger, I’d get incredibly pissed if someone copied me, but now I just laugh at them. Well, except the twat that tried to copy the color of my unusually-colored house.
That one, I can’t forgive, even though she failed miserably at finding the paint color and ended up with a hideous pink house. Oh, and then she bought the exact same green Lexus that I had and claimed she never noticed my car before. Hers turned out to be a lemon, and I sold mine at a profit. Sucka!!!
Flattery my ASS is right! Unoriginal people are pathetic.
Lola I swear, that’s the best fucking revenge, ever. LOVES it. Puke pink house.
Man, I love you too. But have you seen my new blog idea: Ask Uncle Neil? I think you’ll love it!
I’ll happily send you my Uncle Pervy questions like, “Hey, can you show us pictures of your boobs?” and “Hey, what should I do if I get an erection lasting longer than 4 hours?”
Only one of those questions I made up and you should TOTALLY start an advice column. That would be AWESOME.
Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog. I added you to a blog meme (backlink) on my blog today.
Here’s the link.
http://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/10/25/one-lovely-blog-award/
Thank you for keeping me laughing!!
I’m with Jenn – any opportunity to bring Lisa Frank (before she went the fluorescent mini-tramp route, and was all puppies and kittens and dolphins and shit) is a good thing! And when I was 12.. she kicked ass.
But you’re right – flattery my ASS is exactly the feeling.
I reconnected with an ex-fiance sort of on purpose through a connect-with-people-you-used-to-know-ish website, and it was actually brilliant. We had been the best of friends, but childish asses, so we parted less than amicably when our paths diverged, but like… 20 minutes later we were both over it, wishing we’d bid each other a fonder farewell. And we both KNEW that, that we were somewhere in the world, wishing each other well every 9.3 months or so… but being able to say Hey, miss you, happy for you and your wife/hubby and kids etc, was awesome. HOWEVER… it could’ve gone so badly, too. Such a risk, diving into that sort of thing.
I rarely have anything of value to add here… but I get such a kick out of reading YOUR advice!! Don’t go changin’.
Great advice. The only thing I would add is maybe slip the specialist a Xanax instead of you… or right along with you. No reason you both can’t be happy, though it sounds as if this is an unfamiliar feeling for him and he might be scared of it. 😉
I think I could use a Xanax REMEMBERING how shitty the specialists are.
My advice for all 3 – “Ignore she/he/it”. Do what I do, go to your happy place in your mind. It’s how I’ve stayed married so long.
I find that times that I am looking back fondly on my past it’s usually because there is something unpleasant about my life in the present. Reminiscing about the past is easier than dealing with the nastiness that is now.
Amy, well said. You are spot on here, love.
There seems to be a prerequisite douchebag gene present in all highly specialized medical professionals. It is so hard not to take it personally, especially when they are delivering bad news about you or your family in a ham-fisted manner. It sucks, but it sure does seem to be the rule and not the exception.
I wept throughout every single one of my daughter’s neurosurgeon appointments. I tried to contain the hysterical Ugly Cries, but sometimes, I couldn’t. Specialists, man. BLECH.
I’m with Kate up there for #1 – I’d start talking about all manner of awful things as though they were wonderful in the hopes that the “friend’ picks it up. And then tell her how awful it is.
Specialists have no emotions except for contempt.
It’s a universal rule. If they ever actually muttered something kind, the universe would derail and all would be thrown into chaos.
you are my favourite blogger.
the flavour in your posts is wonderful and there is such colour in your words.
I just wanted you to know, that I asked the ‘ex question’. You were very helpful. The phrase, that some people leave a deeper impression on us than others, really hits home with me. :o)
One of the hardest parts of our divorce, was that it was so amicable. I didn’t feel closure I guess. I had always planned to be buried next to him (had a dream about our headstone once, yes, I’m aware it’s bat shit crazy….but there it is) Things feel ‘unfinished’ even after all this time. (10 years)
I know I should be grateful, that we didn’t fight, or get arrested or have any other major drama when we split. Maybe that is why it has always felt so strange. We were best friends for so long…then nothing. Ever.
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question. I agree that he has just made a mark on my heart, that I probably won’t ever get over. (not that there’s anything wrong with that) Thanks.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not getting over someone. You obviously loved him very much at one point in time–enough to marry him. I hope that you find someone who makes your heart sing.
Hypothetically, if you posted a url of someone who was copying you, it would technically be possible to e-bomb their site and inundate it with comment spam. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
The last time I found some ass-clown stealing my stuff was when someone else emailed me about it and it was RIGHT after Amelia was born so sick. And while normally I would have fought this bitch, I just didn’t have it in me.
She totally plagiarized me. Copied and pasted. 100%. No doubt.
if you really want me to flatter your ass you’d better post up some pics of it first.
I must learn photo-shop first.
I’ve only ever met one specialist in my life that had any sort of warmth about them and that was my MFM Specialist I was referred to while I was preggers. Because at 35 I was practically moldering away in the grave, I guess. Anyway, yeah, this guy was very famous, like he has been on TV and everything, but he was very kind and gentle and warm and he always made me feel very comfortable about my pregnancy. Of course, if you spend all your time dealing with hormonal pregnant women in high risk pregnancies, I’m guessing you have to be nice or they will kill you.
I promise I’m going somewhere with this.
Anyway, my advice to the Dr. Asschapeau victim is to take along a very chatty acquaintance with no serious investment in the Dr.-patient relationship (they should ideally be very sweet-looking but mean as a badger underneath) and then have them do passive-aggressive stuff like call the Dr. Asshole by his first name constantly. Like:
“So, Chet, what does this diagnosis mean in layman’s terms?” (breezily, handing tissues to distraught mother friend)
“It’s actually Dr. Livingstone, if you don’t mind.” (frowny face from uptight doc)
“Sure, Chet, whatever you say.” (big sweet smile)
My MTM guy was awesome too. Although, after being kept in the broom closet only to be told by everyone from the doctors to the custodian’s “we’re not sure it’s Crohn’s” every time they came near my room, I think someone smiling near me would have made me swoon with pleasure.
And don’t get me started on when I caught the nurse LYING about me…
Specialists, man. SPECIALISTS.
I wish I was cool enough that someone would want to copy me, but alas, I am not. As for the questions about the Ex, or rather the advice asked for: if you wouldn’t move (which is what I inferred) then maybe you are having second thoughts about that decision and wish that you could go back in time and change your mind and say, “Whither thou goest…” or maybe the s-e-x was just really great but you can’t go back in time and change anything. Think back and remember the reasons you got divorced, and then remind yourself that those issues are probably still there and simply walk away. If you don’t share kids, you can actually just sort of forget he ever existed, which I would personally recommoned. 🙂