Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

I just had my performance review at work and the one criticism my boss gave me was that I need to work on my “ability to work with diverse types of co-workers who bring different skill sets, learning styles, learning paces, and work strategies,” (i.e. I have to learn how to better work with the morons we keep hiring). How do I do this with out smacking people?



First off, let me say that I am sorry; that sucks. Sounds like many a Fearless Leader that I have had throughout my pathetically sorted working career.

Now this is how I would try and handle going in to work every day considering that quitting probably isn’t an option and if you’re like me, becoming an heiress is probably out of the question (although, I pray daily).

Remember this: The Big Boss looks for a certain pinhead type of person to be a middle manager. This type of person likes to swing around a bunch of words that don’t really make sense combined but sound efficient all strung together and are guaranteed to make the employee scratch their head, bewildered and angsty.

My suggestion, outside of a raging pill addiction, is to rent Office Space (or I can burn you a copy) and remember that while you’ll move to a different position and be happier being, well, you, this person will be stuck being Pinheaded Fearless Leader for the rest of their pathetic fucking life.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I’m 43 yrs old I just came back from my yearly 10,000 mile check up and I’m a little worried. Every year in the past it’s been pretty straight forward,feet planted, knees apart, deep breath, cold alien instrument inserted, scrape, and we’re done.

This time was a little different. My doctor had to try 3 different alien instruments, and she still couldn’t locate my cervix!! She assured me that it’s still there, but has referred me to a OBGYN just to make sure. Is this a common occurrence in women getting on in years? Is it possible that my cervix has dried up due to lack of use? Could it have fallen out when I wasn’t looking? Final question.. Do I even need a cervix if I’m not planning on birthing anything again?

Now, I am no expert in vaginas, I know, I own one myself and have been known to operate it, and maybe I’ve even confessed to The Internet that I might even be afraid of mine, so I can assure you that I’ve never seen my own cervix, but here’s my guess.

I think your cervix is probably hanging out with Jimmy Hoffa’s body, my old gym shorts (which may be in the dank crawl space at my parents house)(also: isn’t ‘dank’ a great word?), my virginity, (presumably) your virginity, 40,000 skin cells, that famous painting by that dead guy that’s gone missing and of course, the Mountain of Light Diamond.

All in all, I think your cervix is probably pretty happy where it is. Minus the gym shorts. Which should probably be burned.

Dear Aunt Becky,
When my obvious insanity doesn’t put guys off, I do get asked out sometimes. Usually by guys that I have no interest in and act like sad, lost puppies when they are around me. How would you recommend I reject them without completely breaking their soul?

It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely You

Now, Gentle Reader of Mine, I should warn you that I was (and probably am still) exceedingly bad at matters of the heart and I am terrified at the thought of one of my children asking me for Love Advice. I may refer them to YOU, my wise blog readers. Pack mentality rules, and you guys always know more than I do.

But here is my snark free advice and you must not fail where Your Aunt Becky always did: you MUST be firm and kind without giving in to these poor guys. You are not doing them any favors by stringing them along and agreeing to a movie or dinner.

Your Aunt Becky could have learned much from her own advice here. Please, firm and clear: “I am not going to go to dinner with you. Thank you for your offer. Good-bye.”

Please, let Your Aunt Becky know how it goes.

Be strong, my sister. STRONG.

Why do Chinese restaurants give you rice with every single entree that you order? On Sunday, I ordered Sesame chicken (1 entree) and Vegetable Fried Rice (the second entree) from a Chinsese take out place. (In the interest of complete disclosure, I got a small Won Ton soup as well).

When I got home, I found out that they had also given me two(2) orders of white steamed rice! So, essentially they gave me white rice with my fried rice. I threw them both out.

Why would anyone want white rice with their fried rice?

I am pretty sure that your Chinese restaurant either believes that my children live with you, because they both seem to subsist on a White Stuff Only diet (don’t ask, don’t tell) or that they are running an undercover front for an awesomely illegal organization and they don’t want to alert you so they bribe you with food.

I think that’s a pretty sweet deal. You can ship your white rice to me. You can mail rice, right? Certainly nothing could go wrong with mailing perishable food, right?

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
34 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On October 18th, 2009 at 12:45 am Jenn Says:

    I love white rice. That and chicken fingers are the only things I’ll eat from a Chinese place. And I even pick the batter stuff off the chicken first.

    I WISH my cervix would take a hike once in awhile. There would be a lot LESS worry around these parts if it did! haha.

    To a guy: (girl + niceness = good chance of sex). Sad, but true.

  2. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Jenn My cervix is not something I’ve thought about while not trying to expel a child.

  3. On October 18th, 2009 at 5:14 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Chinese restaurants are all about the carbo-loading y’all. Have your rice with a side of rice and you can run a marathon the next day. Or you can do like me and pass out on the couch in front of Saturday Night Live in a food coma.

  4. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @DG mmmmm Food coma mmmmm

  5. On October 18th, 2009 at 5:30 am Hilly Says:

    I’m always firm with the puppy dog kind of men because they don’t get it otherwise. They’re the girlie kind of dudes who take every kindness as “a sign”. I try to be firm yet not cruel because cruelty is so not cool!

  6. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:17 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Hilly I’ve never managed to been firm with them. I stopped dating–and had a kid–before it ever became an issue but I was always one to be too kind. Which is odd, because I’m not a pushover.


    Okay, I am. Stop yelling at me.

  7. On October 18th, 2009 at 6:50 am lydee Says:

    you rock aunt becky. thanks for cheering up an otherwise gloomy day.

    and i totally love the wording that poor boobarella got on her evaluation: need to work on your “ability to work with diverse types of co-workers who bring different skill sets, learning styles, learning paces, and work strategies”. Crack Me Frickin Up!!! Where does middle management get this stuff?? there has to be a book somewhere…

  8. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:19 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @lydee That wording? Made me zone out and want to go to sleep. Poor boobarella. Sheesh. What a moron middle manager she has.

  9. On October 18th, 2009 at 6:59 am Woman with Kids Says:

    Yum… I want beef with broccoli now, extra rice. I used to go to a chinese restaurant that gave you rolls, plain, white bread rolls, with your order. I’d take the extra rice.

    Also? CRAP! My cervix can disappear? What about the whole …other girl parts? Am I going to wake up a boy?!?

  10. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Woman With Kids I’d kind of like to borrow a penis for a week or so, just to fulfill the fantasy of being able to write my name in pee in the snow.

  11. On October 18th, 2009 at 7:08 am Beth Says:

    Again, great advice. I sure wish I had gotten advice from you BEFORE I married the guy now known as my ex-husband. Live and learn.

  12. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:


  13. On October 18th, 2009 at 9:08 am Belle Says:

    Maybe my retainer is hiding with her cervix. I can’t find that either…

  14. On October 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Belle I bet MY retainer is there too! I figured it had sprouted legs and walked off.

  15. On October 18th, 2009 at 10:53 am injaynesworld Says:

    The last time I went to a gyn, the bastard frowned, looked up and said… “Cobwebs.”

  16. On October 18th, 2009 at 11:16 am moonduster (Becky) Says:

    Now I’m craving Chinese food.

  17. On October 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm kys Says:

    I wish my cervix would disappear. I think it is about to fall out and roll across the floor.

    Yes, dank is a great word. You know how I loves me some adjectives.

  18. On October 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm Pete in Az Says:

    To “It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely You”:

    Just keep saying “Oh, no thank you.” every time the guy starts to say something. Eventually he will give up and eather walk away or hang up.
    Works with telemarketers also.

    Here are a couple of quotes for Boobarella to use:

    Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
    Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
    I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
    How about never? Is never good for you?
    I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
    I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
    I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
    I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
    I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.
    I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
    I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    I got more, if you want. 🙂

    I like rice and I don’t have a cervix so I can’t help the other two… sorry.

  19. On October 18th, 2009 at 3:15 pm jerseygirl89 Says:

    I think you get all that white rice because. . .ew, yuck. Who really wants to eat white rice after the age of 9 or so?

    About being firm with puppy dog suitors – if you can’t do it, have your roommate do it. It worked for me in college.

  20. On October 18th, 2009 at 2:28 pm Paul Lundgren Says:

    Why do Chinese restaurants never seem to be open for breakfast? There’s a billion of these people…they can’t all be sleeping in!

    (I forget which comedian said the preceding, but I can’t take credit for it, either).

  21. On October 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm Sharon Says:


    I have had to work with people like that and I think I can help you. There is a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that teaches you to use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

    I think you should pick up a copy from your local bookstore and use it to whack these morons on the head.

  22. On October 18th, 2009 at 8:21 pm Bella Says:

    Oh Aunt Becky, the first question from Boobarella hurt me so bad…one of my besties, who happens to also be a co-worker, was fired for budget reasons on Friday, and it’s all so ironic that I read this entry today, after writing my own entry about the loss of my co-worker on Friday and really really dreading work on Monday. 🙁

    They let go my protege, my cohort, in favor of keeing temps because they don’t have to pay the temps a yearly salary plus benefits…only one or two of the temps aren’t complete idiots…and my co-worker just kicked ass…I hate downsizing, and and a little afraid that I’m next…and slightly scared that I’m not next. I’m burned out.

  23. On October 19th, 2009 at 7:01 am Kristine Says:

    I rencently spoke with my immediate manager, he was concerned that when he tells me to do something, I just go do it – I don’t ask him enough questions. I told him I thought his directions were pretty precise and had no questions, and I can’t really tell him why everyone else I work with is always asking him questions without possibly losing my job.

  24. On October 20th, 2009 at 8:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Kristine Apparently, you are full of The Awesome. They, obviously, are, uh, well, not.

  25. On October 19th, 2009 at 8:40 am Lizerati Says:

    Long time listener, first time caller… apparently leftover chinese white rice is the thing that prompts me to get off my hiney and join the party, but…

    Use the white rice to make your own fried rice later! I love the white rice because it’s great for cooking with after the chinese food is gone and you’re too lazy to go to the store. (That’s not just me, right?) Just grab some oil, soy sauce, and scrounge in the fridge and pantry for things to throw in there and voila! You’ve avoided going to the store for another day and only gotten one pan dirty.

  26. On October 20th, 2009 at 8:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Lizerati mmmm homemade fried rice mmmmm

  27. On October 19th, 2009 at 12:45 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    Love your advice. *hides the clipboard with notes from the sessions*

  28. On October 19th, 2009 at 4:42 pm Mary Sue Says:

    Regarding It’s Not Me, It’s Definately You–

    You have every right to reject any man– ANY MAN EVEN IF HE SAYS HE LUUUUVS YOU*– swiftly and assuredly. I find “No, hell no, a million worlds of no, over here is me and over there is you in the ‘no’ box” to be effective.

    And then I collect the little emo boy tears in a vial and use them to garnish my Bloody Marys. Mmm, tasty.

    (And if the gentleman in question doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, never hit with an open fist and aim for soft tissue [throat, solar plexux, balls].)

    *Do you hear me, Stephanie Meyer and your wierd sparkly-stalker-vampire Twilight creepoids? NO MEANS NO, and that goes double for sneaking into someone’s bedroom at night to watch them sleep!**

    **Erm, sorry Aunt Becky, I kind of got into it with someone about the Twilight books as ‘romance novels’.Guess I’m still cranky.

  29. On October 19th, 2009 at 7:07 pm Petite Chablis Says:

    Aunt Becky, I’m new to your blog, and having a great time going through the archive!

    I just spent an enjoyable five minutes parsing what Boobarella’s boss really meant by the following terms.

    different skill sets = no useful skills, unless you count photocopying own butt
    different learning styles = complete disinterest in learning any new skills that do not involve photocopying own butt
    different learning paces = need to be told 20 times to stop photocopying own butt
    different work strategies = spends majority of time at work photocopying own butt

    Seriously, I’m not that up on current corporate-speak, but even I could tell that what the supervisor meant was “you should learn how to work with your colleagues, even though I realize they are lazy and incompetent.” Boobarella, you have my sympathies.

    And Mary Sue, next time you get into it with someone about the Twilight novels and that creepy stalker Edward, call me. I’ve got your back.

  30. On October 20th, 2009 at 9:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @Petite Chablis Oh, my sympathies to poor Boobarella for having such a nimrod for a boss. And it’s very nice to have met you.

    *trundles off to stalk your blog*

  31. On October 19th, 2009 at 9:55 pm swirl girl Says:

    Leftover white rice becomes rather like uncooked raw rice after a day or so in the fridge.

    The chinese places know this and give it to you so you can save on hoiday decor (think ground two day old white rice = snow for that quaint nativity scene)

    And what’s better than going out to eat at your local Chinese place during the holidays?(if nothing else, to get more rice)

  32. On October 20th, 2009 at 9:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    @swirl girl Oooh! Good call! Nativity Scene snow! Everyone’s favorite. Brilliance.

  33. On October 21st, 2009 at 8:37 pm TheBeerLady Says:

    I do have a small bit of advice for Boobarella. (And I am so jealous of that name – I wish I had thought of it first.)

    When the boss tells you, “Some of your co-workers have mentioned that on occasion, you give the impression that you don’t have respect for their abilities,” apparently the correct answer is not, “That’s because some of my co-workers are dumb fucks that can’t find their asses with both hands and a flashlight.”

    And if you are unable to refrain from giving that answer, it is definitely not a good idea to follow up with, “Of course, look at the asshat who hired them.”

  34. On October 22nd, 2009 at 10:18 am Katie Says:

    When we order Chinese food, we order so much that they not only throw in 2 orders of steamed white rice, BUT also (on average) 6-8 fortune cookies. Which means we order enough food for 6-8 people, but somehow consume it all, just the two of us.
    Then we wonder why we have issues with our weight.

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