Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

There is a burning question I think we all want, no NEED, to know that answer to.

Of the Uncrustables, (which I think we can agree are all awesome) – what’s your fav?  I personally can’t get enough of the PB/Honey….

Inquiring minds want to know.

As far as I am concerned, Prankster, there IS no other flavor than the Peanut Butter/Honey Uncrustables. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that all other flavors of Uncrustables are BULLSHIT.

Knowing that you’re a fellow Uncrustable lover makes my heart happy. And hungry.

(no, this blog is not sponsored by Uncrustables, just powered by it)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I was divorced a couple of years ago when my son was 2. Since then, he has been diagnosed with a (ultimately) terminal illness that will make him progressively mentally and physically impaired.

He is unable to report abuse (or even pain – he had an undiagnosed small bone in his foot for three weeks before we figured out what was going on because he never complained or even limped) because his vocabulary is approximately 50 words, all nouns like “apple”, “water” and “chicken” to let us know he is thirsty or hungry.

I am so fearful to get out into the dating world because I am afraid of predators who would love to get into a relationship with a woman whose 5 year old is unable to tell mommy about being molested. How many dates is appropriate before tell you tell a guy you have a kid, get to know that they like you for yourself and not for your luscious little boy? Yes, I have issues.



Dear Prankster, Living with a child with such an illness must be a tremendous stress and I’m very sorry. I’d love it if you wrote about it for Band Back Together.

When I met The Daver, my son – who is autistic and, at the time, had a very limited vocabulary – was two years old. The Daver knew from Moment One that I was “Becky, the girl with a kid” because that’s the way we were introduced. Ben has always been a part of my vocabulary and I’d never once considered that he might be after me for my kid.

If and when you’re ready to date, there’s no reason you have to introduce your kid to your dates until you trust them. That’s TOTALLY up to you!

However, I believe any future relationship may run into issues if your boyfriend learns way down the line that you have a kid. Might be a little off-putting and awkward.

I’d say tread lightly into the dating world if it worries you. Good luck, Prankster.

Dear Aunt Becky;

After reading almost all of your blog posts in a week (yes ma’am I have) I have determined: a) you’re the smartest person in the universe or b) slightly off key, and either way, I am seeking your advice, because I find I am not receiving good advice from my fam.

I’m a single mom, 2 years divorced, and trying one of the oft advertised “dating” websites, and wondering: WHY THE F**K ARE MEN SUCH F**KTARDS?

Why, after speaking to me for approximately two seconds, would anyone feel is it appropriate or appreciated to tell me the how’s and why’ of their sex life and what they prefer?

I clearly stated in my profile I want to know someone longer than a minute before divulging my preferences about having the sex, so why does anyone think that is appropriate? UGH.

I am destined to be single forever.


I might prefer to be single.

Thank you, Aunt Becky (btw, you’re far cooler than any of my real aunts, even though I think you may be younger than me in real life, which would be very strange.)

-Aggravated at Dating in General.

Aw, Aggravated, I’d be happy to be your Aunt. Adopting The Internet RULES, especially because I don’t have to buy it all Christmas gifts. Although since you said I might be the smartest person ever, I’ll buy you LOTS of presents. LOTS.

I’m going to make the assumption that you’re not using (read: or Craig’s List to find dates.

Do you remember Penis Gate? Are you on The Twitter? If you were, you probably would.

Basically, word got out that a certain well-known daddy blogger had been sending naked weenie pictures of himself to others (people tend to email me pictures of a) three wolf moon paraphernalia or b) orchids). Like a lot.

So I made a joke about it. And it comes to my attention that THIS IS A COMMONISH THING. Which makes me wonder a) why I don’t get naked weenie pictures and b) why the fuck anyone would WANT a naked penis picture. #blech.

There are certain men (and women) out there, I suppose Prankster, that are just morons. And the availability of Internet hook-ups makes enough of them think it’s perfectly normal to be all Uncle Pervy.

Just think of it like your Pervy Uncle who goes out to weddings and tries to grind with everyone from the cocktail waitress to the wall because he thinks you want to rub up against his sweaty wang. There’s those guys out there. And the guys who kindly ask you to dance.

They’re there. Just not as….prominently.

And should you decide to remain single together, you can move on in with me. I have cats AND orchids. We can be two freaks in a house. Maybe we should learn to KNIT!

This is gonna be EPIC.

17 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On June 26th, 2011 at 2:18 am Walkingborder (Karen) Says:

    Wait, which daddy blogger was this? Must know!

  2. On June 27th, 2011 at 2:34 am wagthedad Says:

    Yeah, which daddy blogger is doing that? And why didn’t I think of that? Is he getting chicks as a result of that?

    And WTF. Who does that?

  3. On June 27th, 2011 at 4:38 pm b Says:

    I don’t know whether Aunt Becky wants to name the guy, but I found this:

    and I was shocked. And sad, especially for his family. I used to read his blog and thought he sounded like a funny and complex guy. (I guess I was right about the complex part… and to be fair, he was still funny, too.) In the comments to the link above, some people pointed out that when this whole kerfuffle started and some of the people he’d been sending pictures to refused to name him, aspersions were cast on other popular but innocent daddy bloggers. So I hope it’s okay to post the results of my detective work here, but if Aunt Becky would prefer that this information not be available on her blog, I think that’s totally understandable.

  4. On June 26th, 2011 at 9:20 am CycleNinja Says:

    “Naked weenie pictures” should be the next meme on this blog. Because if anything is all “Eye of the motherfucking tiger,” it’s that. 🙂

  5. On June 26th, 2011 at 9:55 am Peggy Brister Says:

    This comment is for the Aggravated dater. I too ventured into the world of online dating sites about 5 1/2 years ago. I was single. Kind of newly divorced and was NOT the going out partying type. So I did the safe thing and signed up for Yahoo personals AND, not knowing ANYTHING about either site. I stated it VERY CLEARLY in my profile information “about me” that I was not interested in a HOOK UP, that I was interested in meeting people and getting to know them first before any real dating would happen, just to ward off the sex seekers. However, they either do not read the profile or do not care that you don’t want a pervy mother F’er trying to HOOK UP. I had only been on the sites for about a month when I was so disgusted I was going to quit both sites. All I got were ppl asking me to come to their house or meet them in a bar. No and NO. The day I was planning on quitting Yahoo personals I got a message from a guy who was just wanting to talk to me. He didn’t ask me if I like to have freaky sex, he didn’t ask me to meet him at his house or at a bar, he didn’t ask me for my phone number, he was just asking questions about me and telling me about himself. It was REFRESHING I say. It made me stop for a second and realize that maybe not every single dude out there were pervs just looking for easy sex. I did quit that day but kept the Yahoo account for awhile longer once this guy messaged me. We started talking back and forth for days. Emailing each other a lot. Eventually he gave me his phone number and told me if I wanted to talk to call him, so after a few days of working up my nerve I called him. At this point we had been talking for almost 2 weeks. Long story short, I ended up finally meeting this guy because a friend of mine was his next door neighbors girlfriend and I knew he was a normal average guy with a home and a job so I finally agreed to meet him. He works out of town so I asked him to come to my house when he got back in town. We hit it off immediately, had great chemistry. Long story shorter…I am now married to him. We married March of 2007 after only being together about 9 months and I couldn’t be happier. He is my perfect guy, loving, generous, funny, handsome. Don’t completely give up on internet dating. You do have to wade through a lot of piles of shit to get to the golden pony but you can find a decent guy if you work at it.

  6. On June 26th, 2011 at 10:24 am Sili Says:

    Love it! And, I know how to knit! Perhaps I can move in and teach you guys! 😉

    To MPS mom, I hear your fears. I think that you have good sense and when you are ready to date (and find a good guy that will remind you of what real boys act like), you’ll know what to do.

  7. On June 26th, 2011 at 4:44 pm blacklisted Says:

    That’s it, I have to find out what Uncrustables are TODAY. Been living outside the United States WAY too long and it seems that amazing things have been happening in my absence.

  8. On June 27th, 2011 at 9:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Now you know MY recommendations. Go forth and enjoy.

  9. On June 28th, 2011 at 1:15 am Valerie Says:

    But I’m in Canada and have no idea of this wonderfulness called Uncrustables (I’m assuming I need the capitalization in order to avoid sacrilage). What am I missing? I thought it was only Brussels cookies. Note to self; stock up on awesomeness when in CA next month!

  10. On June 28th, 2011 at 9:28 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh. You must. You MUST!

  11. On June 26th, 2011 at 5:35 pm Emma Says:

    I’ve been wondering this for a while (I live in England..) what the fuck is an uncrustable?

  12. On June 27th, 2011 at 9:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Only the best wee sandwich made by man (or woman):

  13. On June 26th, 2011 at 6:37 pm andrea Says:

    Re: Uncrustables – I’ve never heard of them (outside of this blog) but I am intrigued.

    Re: Online dating. Oy. I’ve been on and off POF, and I do like that they have a mailing option where you can block people who have listed their “Looking for” option as “Intimate Encounters” from messaging you. Which weeds out a lot of Uncle Pervy’s.

    I just find I get tired of getting emails that just say “Hi, your cute” because I always want to answer “My cute what?”

  14. On June 27th, 2011 at 12:44 am joem18b Says:

    Hello. With regard to this business of sending pictures of weenies and other inappropriate body parts, I would like to utilize this public forum to implore my many older tweeters to stop sending me pictures relating to their recent operations. Just because a gall bladder would not be construed as a sexual organ does not mean that I want to see a picture of it resting on a cocktail napkin in your rumpus room after you’ve had it removed. Thank you.

  15. On June 27th, 2011 at 10:38 am Angie H Says:

    Dear Aggravated at Dating,

    Try The scene is all the same in my opinion, I just found this one to be pretty humorous. Back in the early days of online dating a did a brief stint writing dating profiles for hopeless, would-be daters. It might shock you to know that no matter how nice the writer makes them out to be, we couldn’t always save them from their pervy “Thanks for accepting my wink. Now I’m going to give you my winky” selves. Ack.

    Dear MPS Mom,

    As a single mom, I was always upfront about the fact that I have children. I never allowed a date to pick me up at my home though. I think once you’re at the point where you’re ready to introduce a man to your son, you will have already done due diligence to determine his suitability to be around your child. Take it slow and keep your heart open. Much love to you.

    Dear Uncrustable Lovers,

    Peanut butter and honey? I had no idea they existed. I just felt my butt get fatter. Rock on.

  16. On June 27th, 2011 at 11:53 am Triplezmom Says:

    I can’t focus on anything but how I missed the daddy blogger scandal (WHO WAS IT??????????)and the last time I got a weenie picture I was on Though I also must say that I did eventually meet 3 nice guys on, though I’m not currently married to any of them.

  17. On June 29th, 2011 at 1:49 am amvth Says:

    Thank you guys for the comments & suggestions….I think might have found the only normal guy out there…even withstanding the .com nonsense on dating sites. He seems normal, even blissfully so more than me. 2 dates, and counting…doesnt seem put off by my incessant chatting about or to my kid (at her dad’s for the summer), or talking about my family (which he’s shown interest in meeting) or his family (which he’s mentioned he would like for me to meet). Uncle pervy is no more. thank you guys for your support.

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