Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


john c mayerDear Aunt Becky,

You deleted me? Really? Why was my comment deleted?

When in doubt, assume gnomes.

P.S. I have an overly aggressive-spam filter that catches everything from Your Brilliant Comment to Penis Enlargement Tips in the multiples of thousands per day. Sometimes, I’m lazier than others. Perhaps you can do this for me to ensure not one of your comments goes deleted again.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I am an inconsistent, blogger, twitterer, 4squarer, facebooker, you name it.  All of which, I participate in because it’s fun. Were it not for TwitterSquareSpace, I would have never found you.  With that…

I am being stalked on a daily basis by my bosses wife who has too much time on her hands.

One day I 4squared from where I had lunch with the boss.  I have twittered how the boss is the devil.  All in innocent fun.   But it has now gotten ugly.  Wife watches my every move online, interrogates husband, threatens to kill me.  Do I quit my online shenanigans to appease, or pump it up and bring on the drama?

Oh Prankster, I’m the WRONG person to ask about this sort of thing, because the moment this sort of shit happens, I kick it up a notch. Possibly thirty notches.


Sounds like Your Stalker is either wildly insecure or crazy or both but since she’s the one who has your bosses balls in a jar under her bed somewhere, you’d best back off the BOSS Tweets. I’d say that anything ELSE is fair game.

Especially gnomes.

Dear Aunt Becky,

John C Mayer is an Asshole, isn’t he….NOT

Is this one of those cryptic messages, like, “The dog barks at midnight over a bowl of saffron gravy?”

Because then I’d have to respond with, “The crow eats ranch dressing.”

Then we’d lock eyes across the room from each other and slowly do the chin-raise-nod, “you know what wins? YOU!” look of appreciation, right before we launched a nuclear missile and blew up whatever the USSR is calling itself these days.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
28 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On May 15th, 2011 at 3:04 am jess Says:

    I have a feeling I read your blog just for the gnome references.


  2. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Gnomes complete me.

  3. On May 15th, 2011 at 3:05 am Veronica Says:

    Your blog deletes my comments all the time. I figure it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Agressive spam filters have got to be better than spam getting through.

  4. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:02 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s never, EVER on purpose. My spam filter is angry and probably needs to be bribed.

  5. On May 15th, 2011 at 4:33 pm Veronica Says:

    I figured that 🙂 I lose comments to my spam filter too. If I’m having a good spam day, I can find and rescue them, but on a bad spam day, sorting through 1000 comments makes me want to stab my eyes out.

  6. On May 16th, 2011 at 9:19 pm Jody Says:

    oh, I thought that meant it needed to get laid!

  7. On May 15th, 2011 at 8:04 am Pam Says:

    Sounds like someone’s boss needs a divorce. I’m like you, take it up about a hundred notches…crazy lady, yes?

  8. On May 15th, 2011 at 8:26 am Andie Says:

    OOhhh.. psychotic wife or not, tweeting ill about the boss is never a good thing to do, because even if he doesn’t have access, someone who knows him might, so even in a large company of hundreds I’d save boss-bashing for a private journal or an anonymous blog.

  9. On May 15th, 2011 at 12:02 pm Andie Says:

    I don’t have this problem because my boss is awesome. ARE YOU READING THIS? YOU DA MAN KEN!!

  10. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:03 am kim Says:

    dear aunt becky,

    how are you soo hilarious!


  11. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:14 am Catarina or Cat or Cathryn - whatever Says:

    If the person making comments online values their job, they’d better stop. I know it seems funny- but imagine if someone bashed you after a lunch date- talked about what an ass hat you were. What a limp d*ck you were- you get the idea. It probably wouldn’t be seen as funny by you? Just because they are your boss doesn’t mean they aren’t above being offended- nor are they above being uncomfortable in the workplace around you now that they know you think he’s a dingle-berry. I’d watch out, Trigger. By the way- I’m someone’s boss. Probably not yours, though, because I definitely don’t have a wife. Even if your boss is a stanky head, I’d keep that under wraps, my friend….

  12. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:16 am Justin Says:

    My question is:

    What the hell is all this?

  13. On May 15th, 2011 at 1:56 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    What do you mean? My awesome advice column?

  14. On May 15th, 2011 at 10:18 am Penbleth Says:

    First Law of Remaining Employed – NEVER post anything about work. Ever, anywhere. People lose their jobs over this. It is never worth it.

  15. On May 15th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Jana A Says:

    Amen. And also, as a wife/spouse/partner, NEVER post anything about the significant other’s work or boss. EVER. Unless you’re trying to get them fired. And if so, go for it!

  16. On May 15th, 2011 at 2:24 pm Nico Says:

    I just got here, so I didn’t know until now that you had a penchant for gnomes. I write sarcastistories (it’s a word) based on my virtual dollhouse (Sims 3) family for my blog (along with various and sundry rants) and they’ve got magical gnomes roaming all over their house. It’s like a god damned gnome invasion over there.

  17. On May 15th, 2011 at 3:53 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Fucking gnomes = fucking awesome.

  18. On May 15th, 2011 at 4:09 pm Nico Says:

    Fuck yeah = you can say that again.

    Q: How many Mr. Mysterious gnomes does it take to change a light bulb?

    A: Fuck you, I’m watching your television.

  19. On May 16th, 2011 at 2:42 pm La Printemp Says:

    Marry me.

  20. On May 15th, 2011 at 5:59 pm Alexis Says:

    Dear Auntie Becky,

    I went to the prom and survived. Some aspects were even vaguely enjoyable. Thanks for the advice and support of everyone. If you wish to read about it in greater detail, here is a link:

    ThanIs so much. i really did save my pretty color-coded lists of pros and cons.

    Niece Alexis

  21. On May 16th, 2011 at 7:23 am Alexis Says:

    Hi Aunt Becky and the Panel of Pundits!
    How do I get my own profile picture here instead of the mug shot of Cary Stayner minus his facial features?
    Niece Zlexis

  22. On May 15th, 2011 at 8:07 pm Pete In Az Says:


    saffron gravyyyyyy…

  23. On May 16th, 2011 at 5:13 am John Says:

    That may be the strangest & most awkward intersection of work & social media that I’ve ever heard of. But once death threats are involved, it’s really not cool. To go back to the “why Aunt Becky is awesome” post, talking about anonymity on the web, if you’re going to talk about work at all, anonymous is really the only way to go.


    And Mmmmmm, ranch dressing.

  24. On May 16th, 2011 at 6:34 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky

    when are you going to contact me so i can tell you my terrific idea?

  25. On May 16th, 2011 at 9:44 am badbadwebbis Says:

    Um, putting negative comments about your boss on the social medias? Actually, ANY comments about you boss on the social nmedias? The answer is always no. There are 8 billion wrong ways to take positive and negative boss-comments, and people will always choose one of those.

    Especially si nce you are Being Watched.

  26. On May 16th, 2011 at 12:03 pm hydrogeek Says:

    Oddly enough, I have a comment that combines two of your questions into ONE SINGLE BADASS QUESTION. Can John C. Mayer be stalking my co-worker? Possibly? Because she disliked one of his songs on Pandora, and sent me a message talking about how irritating she found him, and I told her to be careful trash-talking the John C. Mayer and sent her to your posts regarding such things. THEN! Then Pandora started playing a John C. Mayer song for her every 5th song, even though she was disliking them all! So. Proof John C. Mayer is omnipotent and Aunt Becky is ALWAYS RIGHT! And how do we get rid of John C. Mayer now?? Can you help with that??

    (I think I’m de-lurking for this one, so HI AUNT BECKY!)

  27. On May 16th, 2011 at 2:44 pm La Printemp Says:

    I heart how all your secret messages involve edibles… you’re swell. 🙂

  28. On May 16th, 2011 at 4:19 pm Auto Title Loans Says:

    The gnomes are responsible for everything. Adultery, stalking, deletions, sock disappearances, drinking all the booze. I wish I could catch one of these little things and steal all their secrets for my own words of wisdom!

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