Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Becky, Whiny Pants AvatarDear Aunt Becky,

Do you make the Cancer is Bullshit shirts in men’s sizes?

Why yes, yes I do, thank you for asking. In fact, here are ALL the shirts I make. I’m considering doing a child-sized one too, because, well, cancer IS bullshit. I’m running a contest, actually, where you can WIN one of those fancy shirts.

Details here.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I keep telling myself that this question might be really dumb because it doesn’t necessarily involve me but I honestly have no idea what to do.

I work in a bakery in a local grocery store in a very small town. My co-worker (we’ll call her A), and I are somewhat close and I do consider her a friend. She has a habit that I don’t agree with, though. You see … she likes to flirt with and come on to married men (SO NOT MY STYLE). I figure if that’s her cup of tea then fine, since she hasn’t necessarily pursued anything more than flirtation. She is recently divorced and I feel like maybe she wants to explore this new-found attention from men, but I’ve given her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn’t ruin someone’s marriage over it.

Lately, however, she’s been cozying up overly much to our store manager, or as we’ll call him, B (read: everyone’s boss) is MARRIED to another employee/manager of our store, who we can call C. C is not in the same department with A and myself but … I just feel like she is starting to cross a line. This man has a family, has a reputation and a career to think about … and while he doesn’t do anything directly to cross the line and indicate his interest … she sure as hell does. What is worse is he appears to be a sucker for the attention, and they do this on the clock … in front of me.

I know it’s none of my business and it doesn’t involve me but … at what point does it become inappropriate and at what point do I say something? I know that his wife, C, has noticed something strange is going on and I don’t want her to be blindsided or think that I was just okay with what was going on. Do I say something, or do I shut my whore mouth?


Oh KC, this is a tricky situation. I’ve thought long and hard about what you should do, and I can only come up with one solution. Keep your whore mouth shut.

Because if you open it, you can’t win. If you talk to A privately, you will no longer be in her good graces and working with an asshole coworker sucks a fat one.

Ultimately, B is responsible for how he behaves and how he reacts to her behavior (whatever her intentions may be) and that is between A, B, and C.

If you go to his wife and inform her that A is crossing lines with the way she behaves to her husband, B, you will be in the middle of it. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that anyone stuck in the middle is bound to lose.

You’re very well-intentioned here, and I appreciate that, but ultimately, you have to look out for Number One: you.

Good luck, Prankster.

Holy Fucker Balls!

I am not a freak, stalker or murderer so please don’t be weirded out when I say, I think I have found my cyber soulmate in you!!! You and your site are full of awesomeness and even though I just stumbled upon you whilst looking for a donut recipe on Pioneer Woman, I am already a huge fan!

I have always felt like I have to censor myself while amongst my peers but now I have found a home where I oddly feel normal! Thank you for all you do and for your friends and fans that share their stories.

Shit, I am supposed to fit a question in here.

Hmmm, Is it acceptable to swear in front of your children? I do. However, I don’t allow my children to use profanity. My theory is, this world is full of bad words and other fucked up shit.

I’m kinda sad that you’re not a freaky stalker (would make life…more interesting!) but it’s full of the awesome that you found me while looking for donut recipes. I heart donuts. I heart donuts so much that it’s obscene.

My first words were “Fuck You,” (no seriously) so it’s safe to say that my parents never held back when swinging swears around me. CLEARLY.

I was allowed to swear as a child…providing I didn’t do it in public. There is, apparently, a limit to the permissiveness in the household growing up. But I’ll save that for another story.

That said, I do swear in front of my children. They, in turn, yell at me for it. No sooner can I say, “where’s that asshole (insert noun here)?” before one of them is hollering at me to say, “Holy Smokes,” instead.

If pressed, I’d tell my kids the same things my parents told me: “you can’t swear in public or anywhere it’ll embarrass us,” because you know, I’m clearly a role model. I heart profanity almost as much as donuts. Profane donuts might be the Next Big Thing.

Swearing – especially colorfully – makes life interesting. Consider it a LESSON you’re teaching your kids the ART of swearing rather than something you’re doing wrong. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

I’m sure I’m warping them enough in other ways.

Mental Note: Add Money To Kids’ Therapy Fund.


As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off. What would you advise these Pranksters to do?

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
18 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On April 3rd, 2011 at 9:39 am Bethy Says:

    Hrm. As to the work situation… the best (only) thing I can think of is seeing about a department or a shift change to get yourself away from the situation. Neither option is a good one, even if possible.
    AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE sums it up pretty well, maybe.

    My kids occasionally swear. Usually it’s around the house.

    Our daughter was … 2? when we were driving and she saw a car skim around us to get into a turn lane and hit the brakes. Out of the backseat, from her perch in her carseat, we hear an emphatic “Fucking jackass!” (Her dad’s a cranky driver. ;D )
    …yeah. The rules are don’t do it at grandma’s house, don’t do it at school. Try not to do it much. If you truly feel the need, either find a substitute – or at least do it *well*. 😉

  2. On April 3rd, 2011 at 9:57 am Anne Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,

    Will profane donuts taste like purple?

    Much love,

    Your not-really-a-stalker-either,


  3. On April 3rd, 2011 at 10:32 am Evil_Cat_Grrl Says:

    The first situation…

    Don’t get involved. Don’t speak to her about it, and if she ever tries to speak to you, make it clear that you won’t discuss this with her. Bethy’s advice about trying to transfer or switch shifts is good, but may create its own set of problems too – you’re likely not the only one who’s noticed this, and you don’t want to inadvertently (sp?) associate yourself with all this by being the “one who left instead of just dealing with it,” etc., etc. That’s a tough situation. Work politics bite…just try to avoid it as much as possible. This has got the real potential to go wrong and take care of itself eventually anyway.

    Second situation – even the parents that say that they don’t swear in front of their kids usually do at some point, lol. Teach them to make the ” proper time and place” distinction and you’ll be much further ahead, because they’re going to hear far worse at school and need to be able to think about how and when that language should be used.

  4. On April 3rd, 2011 at 11:46 am QCMAMA Says:

    I cuss a whole lot. My kids know they aren’t supposed to. I’m sure they do but never around me. Although my 2 year old does. She says shit and fuck rather often.. The other day she was on her play phone and called her dad and I heard her say. “Oh hi daddy, you’re a son of a bitch.” I had to stop laughing and tell her that really isn’t nice to talk to her daddy like that. Even though I know she learned it from me because well he really is an sob. I mean how can you get upset when they use the word in the right context when clearly there is no other word for the situation.

  5. On April 3rd, 2011 at 12:53 pm Sarah S Says:

    My dad is a linguist, so there was no such thing as curse words in our house. That’s why my first words were “fuck you,” which I charmingly said in public. I also could curse in Yiddish at a very young age. I don’t think the language effed me up or anything, but I do wish I had some better self control with swearing.

  6. On April 3rd, 2011 at 1:09 pm andygirl Says:

    come to Portland and I will buy you the best, most profane doughnut ever. at Voodoo Doughnuts: The Cock and Balls. it’s cream filled, of course.

  7. On April 3rd, 2011 at 3:01 pm MarsupialMama Says:

    Ok, I *heart* profanity most of all. The Hubs gives me a hard time about my swearing around the house whether or not our kids are napping. I read him the second question and answer and feel much better about our situation now. Thank you. I can now also say I’m teaching a valuable life lesson in how much colourful swearing is full of the Awesome in the appropriate place an circumstances: ie nearly anywhere.

  8. On April 3rd, 2011 at 3:07 pm GamerDarling Says:

    On the first question…odd as it sounds, that actually is a form of sexual harassment against the asker. I once worked at a practice where a Doctor and an assistant were carrying on in a similar manner…but with more hankypanky. The Doctors wife would regularly drop in and it placed all of the other staff in the awkward position of having to deal with the wife while covering up for the Doctor and his little friend. One day the Doctor didn’t realize that a trainer was in the office doing QA and she caught the Doctor patting the assistant on the ass as he walked by. The whole situation came out, including how uncomfortable the rest of the staff was, and the Doctor and the assistant were both fired for sexual harassment of the other staff members because of the affect it had on them.

    Your case may not be as severe, but despite the fact that “it doesn’t really involve you” you can report it either to HR or your managers manager if it is making you uncomfortable. The key is that overtly sexual behavior in the workplace crosses the line when it makes you uncomfortable or puts you in a tough spot, because that means it could interfere with your own duties. When the complaint is dealt with the company is NOT allowed to reveal that it was you complaining. If they do you can sue over that…so reporting it in to a higher level is totally watching your own ass.

  9. On April 3rd, 2011 at 4:03 pm Sarah Says:

    I swear in front of my kids all the time. I just tell them it’s a grown up word and they can’t say it. Just like cannolis and peanut M&M’s are for grown ups only.
    I am going to have to work on my creativity though.I want to proud of them when they start cursing people out.

  10. On April 3rd, 2011 at 4:29 pm Megan Says:

    For the co-worker issue, I wonder if there’s any way you can anonymously slip a note to your boss? I mean, definitely only do it if you know for sure it can be anonymous, but if you can, maybe the note can say something about how you notice the extra attention B is paying A, and that he should be careful. At the very least, it will alert your boss that he’s not really being as subtle as he probably thinks he is. This is probably a terrible idea, but it was what popped into my head. Otherwise, yeah, given that you work with all these people and they’re not physically hurting anyone, it’s probably best to stay out of it.

  11. On April 3rd, 2011 at 8:27 pm Amanda Says:

    I curse in front of my children. The world isn’t censored and I think they should learn to swear with style. I have taught them that curse words are “grown up words” and when they are grown, they can use them at will.

  12. On April 3rd, 2011 at 9:08 pm Mary K Says:

    I agree with GamerDarling. If they are acting inappropriately at work, it is your business because it affects your work. If you are close to A, I would consider bringing it up as a friend completely outside of work. My father had a serious affair with a family friend and another family friend knew about it but didn’t think it was her place to “interfere” beyond telling them they should stop. That was extremely hurtful that she just sat back and watched our family fall apart. Part of being a good friend is saying the hard things. Maybe she’s not even aware of the seriousness of her actions and is just being selfish.

  13. On April 4th, 2011 at 7:18 am Major Amy Says:

    Seriously, who the hell needs a college fund? My daughter has an orthodontic and therapy fund. That way, someday, her head will be on straight and her teeth will be pretty, what more does she need? Plus, with all the therapy she is going to need, there isn’t any money let over for college. Although, I am not looking forward to the day when she says, “Mom, my therapist wants to talk to you.”

  14. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:15 am Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) Says:

    as a person who always says the stuff nobody else says i will assure you that it will definitely blow up in your face…and yet, i always say the shit. So, i say be true to yourself. If you can’t take the backlash, don’t get involved.

    I tried not to curse MUCH when my kids were little…in other words, i tried to only use shit and damn but not fuck. I kinda succeeded. Now my kids are older. One curses like a sailor, one never curses and one mostly just curses at the XBOX. So, they’ll do what they do anyways.

    That is all

  15. On April 4th, 2011 at 9:55 am Julie Says:

    What I want to know is, how did she end up HERE from Pioneer Woman? That is more fucked up than cussing in front of your kids! Heh.

  16. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:04 am Ina Jones Says:

    I swear in front of my kids daily. In my house words are words. Its the feeling behind the word that matters not the letters that make it up. I would much rather my kids say “Holy FUCK” when they found out they were going to Legoland, rather than “holy cow” because lets face it, HOLY FUCK ITS LEGOLAND. My munchkins do understand that the rest of the world is soooo not as cool and smart as me so they must censor themselves at school so they don’t get in trouble. Other than that, say what you feel and you will feel better!!

    Oh and as to the first letter. If A is were my friend I would just tell my friend to stop being all whore like, because thats how my friends and I roll. If you have birdshit on your head, I am gonna tell ya. If you don’t like that I told ya, oh fucking well!! Thats what friends do!

  17. On April 4th, 2011 at 11:10 am Jessica B Says:

    OK, so I don’t swear in front of my kids at all, but I swear in front of them, behind them and at them in my head, A LOT.

    I only judge others who swear at or in front of their kids a little. In my head. And not only do I judge them, I envy them. Because it’s not fair that they can get all of those swear words to flow out of their mouths without worry and guilt. Stupid Catholic guilt.

    I love to swear. I practice when nobody is home, which is a lot. One of these days I am going to start effing swearing like a GD sailor and nobody is going to know what the F to do with me. MFer’s.

  18. On April 5th, 2011 at 2:26 pm Jayme Says:

    I am requesting ‘I kicked cancer’s ass’ in a 2T please!

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