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Go Ask Aunt Becky


Got some bad news from the Anonymous Asker:

Y’all, I need prayers. At the preliminary custody hearing they gave custody to my husband based on the lies he and his daughter told on the stand. I am heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.
Please pray for my son’s safety.
Crying real tears,
The Anonymous Asker

Dear Aunt Becky,

I tried to write this email a couple times and realized I keep including a thousand skank details that don’t matter.

How do you pick between two men who are polar opposites?

What if you’re made a pro/con list cause you’re that kind of person and Guy A makes more sense but your gut tells you Guy B and you CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHY?!

What if you can’t figure out how to break up with Guy B because his crazy ex-wife cheated on him and now he’s super super wrapped up in you and it would sort of devastate him (even though you feel conceited saying that, even anonymously-ish)?

What if you even feel silly writing this email because it makes you feel like a shallow, stupid high school girl?

Even if you don’t put this up with Go Ask Aunt Becky, I would really like to know what you think  Even it’s a smack down of what an idiot I am.  I don’t think my friends would tell me that, which is why they’re my friends, but I’m fairly confident you would.

– I can’t even come up with a moniker for this crap.

Prankster, while your dilemma is serious, your email had me laughing my ass off. I think I would very much like to be friends with you because you have the ability to crack me up even when I’m all Campaign of Doom on Anthropologie because I ordered a sweater on Wednesday and it’s Saturday and I have a canceled order (out of stock! They let me order it anyway!) and a depleted gift card (gift card department isn’t in over the weekend!) and nothing to show for it. They bent me over and took my monies!


So, I see your dilemma and it’s a doozy and I found myself in that position a couple of times and here’s my best advice: go with your gut. My gut doesn’t lie. My head often skews things.

Guy Number B it is!

See, it’s much easier when I make decisions for you. Also: when I go on a Campaign of Terror, everyone around me who I am not chewing out laughs their ass off. The Daver turned blue in the face trying not to laugh where the person on the phone could hear him.

Thanks, Daver.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I have a problem. I’m 18 years old and I only attract older guys. The youngest guy I have ever had interested in me is 21. Now, this isn’t such a terrible thing except that they all make big deals about my age. They say they like me but they just can’t bring themselves to do anything about it because I am too young! So, what do you propose I do?

Way Too Young

P.S. I live in Australia, so I am legal to vote, drink, drive etc. so it’s not like it would be illegal!

HOLY SHIT, YOU’RE YOU...bwhahaha! I’m teasing you.

You’re mature for your age. I think that your email shows that and that’s full of the awesome. My guess is that your boyfriends are all, “she ACTS like she’s 25, not 18!” and then when they think about it, they feel all old and stuff.

I’d take it as a compliment as best as I can.

I say that because every time I do something with my eldest son, Ben, I get the same treatment. I had him at 21 and while it’s not geriatric or anything, it’s not scandalously young.  I get mistaken for the babysitter. When I inform people that I’m his mother, it’s all “YOU CAN’T HAVE A CHILD THAT OLD,” and I’m all, “uh, wow, this is awkward now.”

Try to remember that it’s their issue, not yours. Remind me of the same, okay?

Dear Aunt Becky,

I am in love with a wonderful man.  A man who loves me and loves my daughter as his own.  A man i could never turn my back on.  I am keeping a secret from this man and i have no idea how i will ever be able to tell him.  I have herpes.  I got it from an ex (i was extremely committed to him. him, not so much in return) who cheated on me and passed it to me.

I have told this man that i want to wait until marriage until I have sex again because of all the messed up relationships i’ve had in the past.  We have talked about getting married.  I’m able to tell him everything except this….Do you have any help on how i can and should tell him?

It sounds, Prankster, like this guy is a keeper. And if this guy is a keeper, then I can’t see The Herp scaring him off. But I can absolutely see why you wouldn’t want to tell him.

But you can’t wait until marriage. That, I think, would put a serious kink in your relationship, and not the whips-and-chains kind.

So I’d approach him armed with the facts and tell him openly and honestly what happened and how terrified you were to tell him about it. If he’s as good of a guy as you say, I don’t see herpes scaring him off. Plenty of people continue to have perfectly normal and happy relationships with only one infected partner.


As always, Pranksters, please fill in where I left off in the comments. You can always submit your burningest questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky.

Also: you need to check out Froggy Girl’s Etsy shop, Hamlet’s Mistress AND Shui Teas, all of whom were brave enough to get ads on my blog, allowing me to get out from under The Man. And robots. Always with the robots.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
29 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On November 28th, 2010 at 12:32 am karen Says:

    thinking about Anon Asker and her sweet boy. May justice prevail and you all stay safe. Please keep us posted.

  2. On November 28th, 2010 at 8:57 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Edited, yo.

  3. On November 28th, 2010 at 9:20 pm karen Says:

    thanks, eh.

  4. On November 28th, 2010 at 12:59 am zooba Says:

    @Way Too Young, I have the opposite problem. I look about 18 but am actually 25, so I get written off by everyone my age that I meet before I can get a word in. And since I talk and act like I’m 30, it just confuses (and upsets) people even more. Just keep looking until you find someone who appreciates you enough to ignore the number associated with you (or alternatively, lie about your age).

  5. On November 28th, 2010 at 8:56 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahaha. I get asked if my MOTHER is home whenever anyone comes to my door.

  6. On November 28th, 2010 at 11:21 am Tisti Says:

    Doorbell rings…it’s a door to door sales girl. I answer the door…

    Her: “Is the lady of the house home?”

    Me: “I am the lady of the house, unless you want to talk to my 5 year old.”

    Her: “Well then…I have this blah blah blah.”

    Me: “FUUUUCK NO.” Slams door (my munchkin wasn’t home so I could use inappropriate language 😀 )

    I feel for you Becks.

  7. On November 28th, 2010 at 11:42 am Rebekah Says:

    I’m with Zooba. I’m 26, look 18, and act 30+.

    DH and I are trying to start a family…I will have to make sure I wear my wedding ring when I go to the store or whatever, so I can avoid some of the side-eye “OMG she’s pregnant so young!!!”

    And yes, I’ve answered the door to someone asking if my mom was home. I informed him that I was the homeowner and suggested he rephrase his opening for future houses, then shut the door in his face.

  8. On November 28th, 2010 at 11:42 am Rebekah Says:

    I’m with Zooba. I’m 26, look 18, and act 30+.

    DH and I are trying to start a family…I will have to make sure I wear my wedding ring when I go to the store or whatever, so I can avoid some of the side-eye “OMG she’s pregnant so young!!!”

    And yes, I’ve answered the door to someone asking if my mom was home. I informed him that I was the homeowner and suggested he rephrase his opening for future houses, then shut the door in his face.

  9. On November 28th, 2010 at 4:15 am Brianna Says:

    Praying for Anonymous Asker and her son. What a bunch of bullshit. (That being the court system, not Asker.)

    Way Too Young: I get it, too. All the friggen time. Especially from my current boyfriend/parter/whatever (we’ve been together over 5 years, so “boyfriend” sounds too shallow and “partner” is almost always mistaken for a same-sex dealio, thus the “whatever”… if Michigan hadn’t killed Common Law Marriages, he’d be my husband… damn them!) because he’s 36 and I’m 24. Yes, a 12 year difference. My other Super Serious Relationship with a guy was an 8 year difference. Seriously. I understand. It sucks, and it makes you want to go all 8th grade, “Bitch don’t make me smack you down!” I’ve dealt with it by every time he mentions my age, I make amusing-yet-snarky comments like, “I KNOW, it must SUCK to be old…”

  10. On November 28th, 2010 at 4:58 am Andra Says:

    Dear ” Way too Young”,
    I can relate. I am 40, and my better half is 59. My family FREAKED out at first. Hell, he and my Mother went to school together. His Dad and my Grandpa were best friends. We could not be more perfect for each other. Now though, they all know, his kids included, this was meant to be.

    So, however it works out for you, just be happy. Thats the important thing. Life is much to short to worry about the numbers (after you get past a certain point, anyway.)

    Dear “Anonymous Asker”,

    Keep faith. You have an army praying for you, and your son.

  11. On November 28th, 2010 at 6:29 am seekingelevation Says:

    Anonymous Asker: The darkest hour is just before the dawn. Hang in there.

    Way too young: This was me for the longest time and then you know what happened? Just about overnight I realized people didn’t do it anymore and I was old as fuck. Just enjoy it.

  12. On November 28th, 2010 at 8:09 am JulieHG Says:

    For the Herpes asker…advice from someone with a lot of experience talking about my herpes. Ask Aunt Becky for my email address if you want some moral support.

    Like you, I got it when I was 19 from a not so faithful or honest boyfriend. I vowed that I would never have sex with someone unless I told them, and I’ve done pretty well with that, only a slip or two. I’ve never passed it onto anyone that I know of, including my husband of 10 years.

    Absolutely, you must tell him, and the next time that you have any sort of serious conversation about your future should be the opportunity that you take. The words you used in your email will work just fine. It’s direct, it’s honest and will open the door for you to be open about it.

    You also need to be honest with him if you’ve held off on having sex because you were afraid to tell him. Nothing would be worse for your relationship if you waited until your wedding night, then couldn’t have sex because the stress made you break out.

    If he’s really a keeper, he’ll understand, do his homework, and accept it. The scary part is if he doesn’t, and you have to accept that it’s possible. But most importantly, if he doesn’t, then you don’t want to try making a life with this man. You need to be with someone who accepts you for all that you are, and that includes your herpes. They do exist, trust me.

    P.S. AuntBecky…think maybe you can adjust your copyright a bit? 🙂

  13. On November 28th, 2010 at 8:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I was just thinking that I’d change it to something…treatable. Suggestions?

  14. On November 28th, 2010 at 9:49 am JulieHG Says:

    Let’s see…the clap (chlamydia), warts, syphilis…I’m pretty sure all are treatable (at least if you get to them fast enough).

  15. On November 28th, 2010 at 7:03 pm Sken Says:

    Hi, I’m a guy who married a woman with the Herp (I am negative thus far). We joke about it from time to time, but it was a very difficult thing for her to deal with, something she discovered fairly early on in our relationship actually, and thus something I had to think about, too.

    Things to remember: It’s common. Really, really, really common. Not as common as HPV, but still, it’s out there all over the place.

    Also: it’s not the end of the world. Breakouts suck, but they recede over time – Take your lysine!! “Lysine is a natural supplement that, if taken at a high enough dose, works to restrict the herpes virus’ food — without posing any serious health risks.” It can do a lot of good on a daily basis to both reduce breakouts -and- make it less likely you’ll transmit. In fact, if your partner wants to be proactive, it would not hurt for them to take it either.

    Anyway, it’s pretty unlikely I’ll be sleeping with other people from this point forward, which helped me a lot in making my decision – it’s now just a matter of occasional inconvenience. That’s commitment for you.

    *big hugs* Good luck!

  16. On November 28th, 2010 at 8:46 am Melissa the Librarian Says:

    Anon Asker. Hang in there. It will get better. Justice will prevail and you will have your little one, as you should. This is bullshit, but you two will get through it. You’re in our thoughts.

    Too young: Age is just a number. If you’re happy, fuck anyone else’s opinion.

    And, I’m always a fan of gut feelings, no moniker. Go with your instinct, it’s rarely wrong.

  17. On November 28th, 2010 at 9:43 am Julia Says:

    To no moniker – there’s a book that might help you – the title isn’t very obvious, but there’s a whole section on how to decide between two partners (or to decide not to be with either) –

    Anon Asker – that bites. Patience, and a good lawyer, are what you need, and asap. 🙁

  18. On November 28th, 2010 at 10:43 am Maria Says:

    Definitely prayers for anon.

    I have always been a little “too young.” I was almost 24 when I had my daughter, and you’d think I was 13?? I’m 29 now and most of my “peers” are 10 years older than me. So, I always get little snarky remarks and “I have underwear older than you” comments.

    One person was like OMG!!! She graduated in 1999, do you realize that means she was…..23…when she had a kid?!?!?!?!??!” ZOMG!!!111!!11!1!1

    Like OMG seriusly? I had been married almost 5 years and had built/bought two new houses by them. WTF?

    Anyhoo, you’ll never be old enough, then suddenly, I’m guessing, you’ll bee too old.

  19. On November 28th, 2010 at 11:15 am Jennifer Says:

    Aunt Becky, I have to say, I think you’re wrong in your advice to the Guy A and Guy B letter. Guy B has issues and needs to work them out on his own, without a relationship. This has earmarks of all kinds of issues on it. My advice would be to ditch both. Guy A doesn’t have the pull that a life partner should have and Guy B… seriously. What kind of relationship is it if you can’t even think about dumping him because it would crush him too much? That’s not healthy. Find someone who has it all… don’t try to decide between two guys who have some of it but not enough to stand on their own.

  20. On November 28th, 2010 at 11:55 am Meg Says:

    @Young Seriously I feel for you. I was married at 19(and looked 15 without make-up) and was pregnant with my first daughter. I can’t tell you how many times someone looked down on me because they assumed I was a young unwed teen mother. I remember one time I was getting my hair done when I was about 7 months pregnant and the stylist asked me if my husband was my boyfriend. She was evidently shocked to learn I was married and quickly asked my age.

  21. On November 28th, 2010 at 1:06 pm Allison Says:

    Anonymous Asker, I’m praying for you. If you don’t have a lawyer, I suggest you get one; when my mother left her abusive husband, the state’s domestic violence organization paid for one. In Michigan, they’re called Friend of the Court, I don’t know what they would be called in your state. If you do have a lawyer, fire his ass and get a better one! And possibly a pre-emptive restraining order?

    Way Too Young, I started dating my boyfriend when he was twenty-six and I was nineteen. Guys who get hung up on age aren’t seeing you, they’re seeing a number. If you’re old enough to drink and drive (not, y’know, at the same time) don’t tell them how old you are. You’re clearly more mature than they are, anyways.

  22. On November 29th, 2010 at 10:20 am McSarah Says:

    To :I can’t even come up with a moniker for this crap”

    RUN quickly as fast as you can in the opposite direction of B. That list is showing you exactly why B is bad, anyone with a ‘crazy ex’ that is ‘super wrapped up in you’ is the biggest red flag. If you can’t get behind A either, that’s fine no one is a perfectly fine choice.

    B might seem like a tempting choice because he makes you feel needed and wanted, but trust me, you will tire of the drama and will become his next ‘crazy ex’.

  23. On November 29th, 2010 at 8:54 pm Natalie Says:

    Way too young: I was always mature for my age as well. I was interested in guys older than me, we would become friends, really good friends, then when I would bring up the fact that there is obviously chemistry there, the guy would be all freaked about our age difference. Then when I was 22, I met a guy who was 34, we hit it off, had obvious chemistry and guess what? He didn’t care about our calendar age difference! He’s out there for you too, just hold on and know that it is worth the wait once you do find him. 🙂

  24. On December 1st, 2010 at 2:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    From a Prankster: Response to this call for help.

    Prayers are being sent! In addition see if the Superior Court System has CASA’s. Court Appointed Special Advocates for this little boy. These are people who volunteer their time to make sure the needs of the child are really being considered. CASA will investigate all of the issues – are they are good a seeing who is telling the truth and who is fibbing. They then write a report to the courts. In Washington a CASA’s report is golden and most often the judge or commissioner uses the recommendations for the final ruling. If you do not have CASA’s ask your attorney to get a “Guardian Ad Litem” for your son. GAL will have some cost – however your sons needs will be considered above either parents.

    Judy In Washington

  25. On December 8th, 2010 at 12:05 am The Anonymous Asker Says:

    The “Guardian Ad Litem” for my county is my new attorney (as of last week). The new hearing is set for the 17th in chambers (that means no lying witnesses, only him). He’s furious that the presiding judge came back from vacation and was displeased with the original recommendation so I get a do-over.
    Thank you all for your support
    You give me strength through your words and shared experiences
    I love you guys

  26. On December 4th, 2010 at 5:20 am Tiffany Says:

    To the third questioner,

    I got herpes myself at 19. It was a hell of a thing to happen to a girl in the prime of her dating life. But as awkward and as hard as it was to tell my potential partners about, I told each and every one of them before things got physical or before any real attachment might form between us. I wanted to make sure that they all had an option that I wasn’t given.

    As difficult as it was for me to open up (with what has to be one of the least attractive topics of all time), I often times found more understanding than I would have given people credit for. Sure, there were a couple guys who took a pass. But there were so many more for whom it wasn’t a deal breaker.

    It is a shockingly common disease. With the amount of education on the subject and better living through chemistry, it is really almost a non-issue for partners in relationships where only one is infected.

    I’ve been happily married for 7 years and have a 3 year-old daughter. My husband has never contracted it.

    There are men who won’t be put off by it, and I hope that the man in your life is one of them. I hope you tell him soon, and that the guilty weight gets lifted.

  27. On December 4th, 2010 at 7:52 am JulieHG Says:

    Wow, so validating to hear my words from someone else’s mouth. Sounds like our experiences were incredibly similar.

    “It is a shockingly common disease.” — It wouldn’t be if more people took responsibility for themselves like we do.

  28. On December 4th, 2010 at 6:11 pm Tiffany Says:

    It is such a profound relief to hear someone else talk about it in the same terms. It does sound like we’ve had experiences that mirror each other. I’ve had other friends in my life that contracted it and it has been invaluable to be able to honestly share how we each have dealt with it in our own relationships.

    I think one of the biggest complications in the spread of herpes is that most people don’t realize that oral/genital contact can spread the disease. Most everyone thinks that that condoms are enough to keep you safe, not realizing that a cold sore on one partner’s mouth can change the future of your sexual health.

    I think that was the most devastating part of it for me, I was always so careful about sex. And all it took was one ass-hat with a “sensitive man goatee” and a cold sore I couldn’t see, to give me a “present” that I have to carry with me for what may be the rest of my life.

  29. On December 26th, 2010 at 7:24 pm Casey Says:

    I read this blog from Google Reader, so I’m pretty consistently about a month behind because I suck but I wrote the first letter up there and even though no one will ever read this, I wanted to say thanks for everyone’s comments. It definitely gives me some more to think about. (Plus, omg, I have a letter up on Go Ask Aunt Becky!)

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