Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Go Ask Aunt Becky


Dear Aunt Becky,

After your piece on Meat and Mushrooms… why do they call a beaver a “beaver”? Is it a “piece of tail”? Will it “chew your wood off”? I’m trying to put together a “dam” reference but failing.

I’ve asked nearly every straight man I know and you may finally be the source of enlightenment.



The first time, Gentle Reader, that I heard a vagina referred to as a “beaver” was in the Primus song “Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver.” Probably because I was 14 when the song came out and hadn’t developed QUITE the repository of awesome slang terms for vagina that you see before you today.

Now, I believe what a beaver refers to is a hairy vagina. I googled the term to be sure and pretty much all I could come up with was a bunch of people going, “why the fuck do people call the vagina a beaver?” and everyone else responding with “I have no fucking clue.” (aside, Internet, do you know?)

So yes. A beaver = a full bush = a hairy vagina = a PIZZA slice vag.

You’re so welcome for that image.

I saw this, Aunt Becky, and I thought of you!  Would you ever consider getting “vajazzled”?

If so, what design would you have done?


Oh Sara, girl you know that I would! Making my ladybits as sparkly as a discoball? Now, there is NOTHING not full of the awesome about that. My biggest gripe with the whole thing is that it lasts only a couple of days. Which, to me, seems kind of…sad. I kind of want a permanently sparkly crotch. Because OBVIOUSLY.

But if I were going to do it, I’d probably get a gigantic pink cursive B. Because I am so often called B. Or AB. Or maybe, if I was feeling daring, an ACTUAL bee. Because, OBVIOUSLY.

So I turn the tables, ladies (or gentlemen), would YOU get your dangly bits sparkly? What design?

Dear Aunt Becky,

I recently found out that both my sister and my best friend are pretty anti the blowjob… where as I would be referred to as something of a fan. The real issue that we seem to disagree on is whether giving/receiving oral is more or less intimate than actually having sex. I’ve always considered third base a much less intimate place than rounding home plate if you know what I mean… but apparently there is disagreement in this area.

What are your thoughts, opinions… shinning dollops of wisdom oh wise one (okay I may be laying it on a little thick in an attempt to elicit a response from you :-P)


Well, my sweet friend, I can see it from both sides.

On the one hand, having sex is more intimate because it’s THE SEX, MAN and it’s very emotional and you’re all up in each other’s face and then there’s the EYE contact and the breathing onto one and other and then you know, it’s SEX and of course it’s intimate.

But on the other, oral sex involves organs that, well, do things BESIDES provide sexual pleasure. Namely, they evacuate waste from the body. Plus, as we learned from Go Ask Aunt Becky Question 1, sometimes there’s a whole MESS of pubes there. Which can lend to some…unruliness and unpleasantness down below. You can get awfully up close and personal with something that doesn’t smell like roses really quickly, so on that hand, it’s pretty damn intimate.

Either way, there’s an exchange of bodily fluids into orifices, and anytime there’s bodily fluids, you’re pretty intimate.

What do you think, The Internet?

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
55 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On March 14th, 2010 at 1:50 am Paul Says:

    I’m gonna say no to the sparkly bits on the junk, and if I ever ran across a vajazzle, I’m pretty sure I would laugh myself silly. Wanna fancy up the clam? Just go old school and let the pubic hair grow out. That’s plenty fancy, and doesn’t scratch my forehead. (btw,thanks for the reminder that it’s time to catch up on my ‘yardwork’)

    I definitely think that working down south is much more intimate than THE SEX just because it’s so much more detailed and involved. You’re really working every nook and cranny if you’re doing it right. I may be lucky, but (knock on wood) I haven’t run across a foul one yet…which may explain my position I guess.

  2. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Shockingly, I rock a full bush from time to time. Nothing wrong with it.

  3. On March 14th, 2010 at 6:11 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    No amount of awesome sparkle would encourage me to let some wax jocky bring a hot glue gun to my lady garden. Is there a certification for that?

  4. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know, I do not know. BUT I INTEND TO FIND OUT.

  5. On March 14th, 2010 at 7:42 am Minnie Says:

    I’m all about the bling, I think. I’d need to research the adhesive factor.
    That being said, please remind me not to read this shit first thing in the morning while coffee spews from my gob as I try not to laugh and close the laptop to guard the linked pix from the view of any child in my house.
    Thank you.

  6. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:53 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahaha! Sorry, Minnie. I should’ve put a disclaimer on this shit.

  7. On March 14th, 2010 at 7:23 am MamaCas Says:

    I’m trying to imagine how awesome my c-section scar would look if I just BEDAZZLED it. Hawt, right?

    As for the last question? I’m going to say The Oral and The Sex are pretty much on the same level of intimacy. I don’t have any solid evidence to support my theory, other than to say that I wouldn’t do either one of those things with a total stranger. And in a barely-related side-note……it took me 11 years of marriage before I finally discovered giving my husband a “You’re a Good Boy!” could actually be FUN!

  8. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:54 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think a C-Section scar could be damn sexy, baby!

  9. On March 20th, 2010 at 9:45 am Kendra Says:

    I laughed at the idea of sparkly lady bits. But on my C-section scar? I think we could create a whole new area of fashion. Didn’t Madonna famously have C-sections? Maybe she could be the “face” of the bedazzled C-section scar. Happy faces and so on!

  10. On March 14th, 2010 at 8:34 am Natalie Says:

    Reading this was an exceptional way to start my Sunday morning. (Does that mean I’m going to hell? ;>)

  11. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was a pretty exceptional way to start mine too (I wrote it veeeerrry early Sunday AM). So if you’re going, love, I’ll be sharing the room next door.

  12. On March 14th, 2010 at 7:56 am Jenn Says:

    I’m not a big fan of jewels anywhere so I’m pretty sure I’m passing on the vajazzle.

    I think SEX sex is more likely to involve emotion in addition to the hormones so I guess I find that more intimate in that way. Physically, about the same.

  13. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It depends upon who I am having The Sex with, the level of booze involved and how much I like them, I suppose.

  14. On March 14th, 2010 at 8:21 am Will Says:

    Vajazzle? What’s next, a Snuggie for the Schlong? I was against the Bedazzler pretty much from day one, and since the Vajayjay doesn’t do much for me, it’s kind of a double no. But since I’m not likely going to be near the decorated area in question anyway, I say go for it.

    Oral or traditional are equally intimate. If you’re doing oral right, you should take breaks to face each other and make out from time to time anyway. Kissing someone who has been there is about as intimate as it gets. (Not to mention, I don’t get into the back door stuff – I know, I’m going to be arrested by the gay police, but it just doesn’t do anything for me).

  15. On March 14th, 2010 at 9:51 am Wicked Shawn Says:

    LMAO@ arrested by the gay police! Hide out at my house Will, the gay police are afraid to cross the border into Ky, you will be safe!

    Vajazzling is Totally on my to do list!

    Primus song, holy Hell, that is a flashback!

    Intimacy, eh, that is such an ugly word, can’t we just call it, personal?

  16. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:48 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Wicked Shawn, we can go TOGETHER. And intimacy makes me think that we should cry together while we talk about our secrets. I don’t like to do that. Good call on it being a dirty word.

  17. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:51 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I cannot believe you’re against the Bedazzler. It’s very hurtful to me. VERY hurtful.

    Also, not EVERYONE likes the backdoor stuff. It’s kind of…something. BUT THAT is a topic for another day, huh.

  18. On March 14th, 2010 at 10:42 am Badass Geek Says:

    The term “bodily fluids” just kind of grosses me out.

  19. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:47 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It’s clinical, no?

  20. On March 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am Ginger Magnolia Says:

    1. I was at a trivia night last night at our city’s Center for History, and when they introduced the judges, they announced one as having won “The Silver Beaver Award” from some organization. Imagine my boyfriend’s embarassment when my giggles could be heard far and wide.
    2. Um no. Just no. Go for the regular wax and buy a pretty blouse or something that’ll last longer than five days.
    3. It’s not a job, it’s a joy! Either way, it’s pretty intimate, and sometimes oral can be moreso than straight sex.

  21. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:49 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Pretty much any time that anyone uses the term “beaver” I laugh. I am as mature as they come, Ging.

  22. On March 14th, 2010 at 11:48 am J.R. Reed Says:

    I could say so many things to this post, but I will save the innuendo for another day. I agree that a beaver refers to a hairy vag and I don’t know that I would want a beaver “gnawing” on my wood. The word “gnawing” just brings up some very painful thoughts.

    As far as vajazzelling goes–good for you for making it fun to be around. My only concern would be getting pieces of the disco ball caught in my teeth as I, well, you get the picture…

    I asked The Phone Sex Operator if she would ever consider getting it done and her answer was, “are you kidding? With the number of times I pee in a day???”

    Keep rocking it Aunt Becky…..

  23. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Gnawing = bad. AGREED.

  24. On March 14th, 2010 at 12:19 pm Monique Says:

    Damn, Aunt Becky. I haven’t been by here in a while and I return to this brilliant madness.

    I too would enjoy my cooter dazzling like a discoball, but I am all talk. When the shit really hits the fan, I would be cowering in the corner begging for that gal with the gluegun to spare me.

  25. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:46 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    See, I’d do it. But then I’d want to take my vagina somewhere it would be seen a lot. Which is prolly bad.

  26. On March 14th, 2010 at 1:09 pm robert Says:

    Wow, when did oral become third base? You kids these days, I swear. Back in the day the bases were: french, feel, finger, F**k

    Traditional sexy time seemed to always proceed oral with the ladies in my life. Just worked out that way I guess.

  27. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    YES, exactly! Robert, you’re a genius. No, that’s what I’d remembered the bases being, too.

  28. On March 14th, 2010 at 2:04 pm Jennifer B Says:

    Okay… where to start… um, yeah, Beaver was, like, THE popular name for the cootch when I was in college,and it was actually before that song came out. Ouch, now I feel old. But, moving on… Um, I just don’t like that name.
    As for the vajazzling…. c’mon, that is full of the awesome, EXCEPT, um… you have to get waxed first. Am I the only one in the world that thinks putting hot wax and ripping hair off the body is just barbaric and shouldn’t be done at all, much less to my frickin genitals????? I am not a wuss when it comes to pain, but why the fuck would anyone do that INTENTIONALLY????? I don’t get it.
    Lastly, the BJ…. hmmmmmm. I’m not the biggest fan, and reserve it as leverage to get my husband to do things, and Yes, Aunt Becky, it mostly DOES work!!!! As for intimacy level, I would say it could actually go either way. If giving them is no biggie to you, then it is obviously less intimate than the Sex, but if you’re like me, then it is more so. And I’m with Robert on the definitions of the bases. 3rd does not involve oral.

  29. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:45 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Mental note: will use blowjob for leverage.

  30. On March 14th, 2010 at 2:05 pm Melissa Says:

    To me, oral is foreplay. Get it wet y’all! But I have been with a few guys who think its grody to fuck while I am bleeding so they think they have a 5 day blowjob with swallow fest. While THE SEX is better when they hold back, not so much when giving the blowjob, especially when the guy is sizeable. OUCH JAW. Threats of biting come to mind.

    Note to everyone, no holding back on the O during oral. During THE SEX this does not pertain to women so much as we can O many times, especially after the first one. Which is why men may find their women humping their legs when they figure the job is done.

  31. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:44 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You should write my column for me sometime, dude.

  32. On March 14th, 2010 at 2:10 pm mountainmomma18 Says:

    Did I think I would wake up and read a whole post about vajay, jay’s today and have an actual opinion? No, but every day is an adventure right? I say no to the bedazzled V, I think that would be totally messy and probably a waste under some yoga pants, but hey if like you make your living off of it, sure, why not.

  33. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:43 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It was an adventure to write it, too. Been waiting for a chance to do Aunt Becky Goes Raunchy for awhile (it would be WEIRD to do it all mixed in with other stuff, no?).

  34. On March 14th, 2010 at 2:20 pm pattypunker Says:

    hellz to the yeah, i’d get the dangly bits sparkly. (dangly bits is too funny btw!) i’d go with gold stars and the word “jackpot”.

  35. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Bwahahahahaha! You’re SMART. Loves it.

  36. On March 14th, 2010 at 2:24 pm Becca Says:

    Ok, so I don’t think I’d ever bedazzle the girly bits b/c really? Why? I think c likes it just the way it is.

    Second, I think oral sex is just as intimate as regular sex. But I am a lesbian, so you know we all feel weird about teh sex anyway! I’m kidding, but my personal feeling is any kind of sex is intimate or it should be if you’re doin it right, yo…

  37. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:41 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I think Dave might be horrified if my vag looked like a disco ball too. And you lesbians are really smart.

  38. On March 14th, 2010 at 3:06 pm PeteInAz Says:

    1. Originally, I think the term was “Split Beaver”, I think I’ll leave it at that.

    2. Bicycle reflectors at the Y? I don’t think so.

    3. I was never a big fan of blow jobs (yes… I know… I’m weird), I do, however enjoy a Box Lunch At The Y. I think oral sex is more a control thing though, as in: “Look what I can make this person do with just my mouth/tongue/fingers”.

  39. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know, you’re right, Pete. You’d never be able to DO anything if you bedazzled your cootch.

  40. On March 14th, 2010 at 3:07 pm PeteInAz Says:

    I’m a green triangle with red lips… cool.

  41. On March 14th, 2010 at 5:26 pm Melissa Says:

    So what? I am Fiona the Ogre sticking my toungue out at you.

  42. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:39 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I have GOT to find some better Avatars.

  43. On March 14th, 2010 at 6:05 pm Katie Says:

    Once heard that “beaver” meant when trappers masturbated into beaver pelts during their times of loneliness in the ole West. Or something.

  44. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    That would make sense, actually.

  45. On March 14th, 2010 at 6:20 pm Jerseygirl89 Says:

    I find getting oral about as intimate as intercourse, but giving oral not quite as much. I’m pretty sure I would bedazzle my vagina. . .maybe with a map of Jersey? If only so I could brag about it on the internet.

  46. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:38 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m with you on getting oral being as intimate. Probably because we’re like the same person.

  47. On March 14th, 2010 at 7:23 pm Shannon Says:

    Three things –

    I agree on the beaver bit, with some being a little more frightening than others.

    That leads me to two, putting shiny bits on my lady bits… sounds like my kind of crazy – I’m talking about the second bottle of wine crazies because that’s how much liquor it would take to get me down there to get the thing waxed in the first place. I mean, if I’m waxing it might as well get it all dolled up too.

    And third, if I’m getting naked for anyone it’s intimate, or I’m paying them to check said lady bits.

    That is all.

  48. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:37 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    It would be like putting a dress on my lady bits! Also, there’s a whole lot of pressure for ladies to make their bits look purdy, no?

  49. On March 14th, 2010 at 8:30 pm Allison Says:

    Just stumbled upon your blog…I too had wondered about the slang term “beaver”. I looked it up once and was schooled on the the similarities of the two…which boils down to the fact that they are both warm, wet and furry and like to eat wood. I blame men for this one.

  50. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You are very, very wise and I wish I’d known your email address because I SO would have tapped you for this!

  51. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:22 am Kelly Says:

    Somehow, I think my allergy to adhesives would turn “getting sparkly”, a little bit uncomfortable…

  52. On March 15th, 2010 at 8:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh shit! I have one too! Bwahahaha! That would be REALLY attractive, no? A swollen, oozy vagina? Bwahahahaha!

  53. On March 15th, 2010 at 9:46 am Mama Says:

    I would totally go for some sparklies on the lady bits. For no other reason than it would shock the hell out of my man. Of course I would have to not tell him before I did it.

  54. On March 15th, 2010 at 12:59 pm Susan @ Sassafrassery Says:

    1. TOTALLY up for the bedazzle, too. As for the design? Maybe a disco ball. Because it’s simply a party down there.

    2. Oral is far more personal.

  55. On March 17th, 2010 at 10:27 am Liz Says:

    So about the whole oral sex/Bj being unpopular compared to sex— OF COURSE sex is intimate, but I think there is something a little sexy about a blow job. Like AB said, you are getting sooo personal with all kinds of things, but thats what makes it so good. Plus, men find it extremely sexy, and I find it extremely sexy when my man goes down on me. If your not a fan, then ok. I am a fan, bc I enjoy giving that to my husband and recieving it, but we could live without it and still have the intimacy through sex or other things. To each his own 🙂

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