Mommy Wants Vodka

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Go Ask Aunt Becky


Aunt Becky-

Do you think it’s wrong to dangle sexual favors like a carrot in front of the husband’s nose in order to get him to do stuff around the house (dishes, lawn etc.)??? If so, got any better ideas?

Oh Gentle Reader, here is where I have to turn the tables on you and ask you, does it work? Because Your Aunt Becky might be interested if it did. This is how a conversation about division of labor goes in my house:

Aunt Becky: Hey, The Daver, can you please mow the lawn? I lost the dog in it last week.

The Daver: I can’t hear you.

Aunt Becky: I’m standing right next to you.

The Daver: I don’t speak English.

Aunt Becky: Yes you do. You’re speaking English right now.

The Daver: No I don’t.

(walks away leisurely to go save the world from global economic meltdown)

Then I hire the neighbor kid to mow the lawn and rescue the dog.

I think if I implemented a chore chart or a system of smiley faces he might throttle me if I didn’t throttle myself first, especially because then I might be tempted to go buy those stupid things you put in the toilets for little boys to aim their pee at.

And if I nagged him to death about it, I’d feel like a shrew, or worse, his mother.

To me, a blow job would be cheaper than hiring someone. But, you know, depends, I guess.

(also: does it WORK?)

Becky –

I have known these people for fifteen long, and I mean long, years. I am the type of person who will let you know when you have pissed me off. These people prefer to lift proverbial rug and sweep under. If I do say something my MIL will cry, which sets off a full born shit storm. My son has a pair of Nike skateboard shoes. Or he had. When they last came to visit said in-laws threw them away because “they” don’t like skateboarding, “it’s dangerous”. They also removed the mouth guard from his school issued football helmet and put on one that FIL thought was safer (you’ll poke your eye out kid). This type of shit has been going on for years.

Everyone tells me that I should not take them to task, but I’m getting older and less able to eat shit (it is true what they say). My husband is afraid of them (Catholic guilt you see). They also went through my medicine cabinet and told my son that mommy takes to many pills. My husband says “Why do you care what they think” Durrrr my son? They also like to pump my three kids (including my 4 year old) for information that gets repeated back to me. Can’t I just tell them to go eff off?

Sincerely, Ready to go all Chris Brown

I am pretty sure that you deserve a medal for putting up with these people for so long because I don’t have any idea how you’ve managed to do it. Certainly, you’re not going to change them because people like that get even MORE crotchety in their old age and you’re probably not going to change your husband either. The Daver, while he’s not going to throw me under the bus, he wouldn’t really stand up for me either, so I feel you.

You have the option of doing one of two things because the shit tornado is going to hit you or hit her and it’s really your call who it’s going to hit.:

1) Telling them to piss off the next time that they try and mess with your family and then dealing with the fallout. If they want to get in your business, bite back.

2) Dealing with it the way you’ve always dealt with it and have some extra margaritas when they’re in town.

Good luck.

Dear Aunt Becky,

I had the worst day humanly imaginable. Please feel free to take my story and make it an absolutely hilarious comedy, as I’m on prescribed vicodin and EVERYTHING is funny.

My four year old was diagnosed with respiratory distress and the doc diagnosed her with steroids. Steroids in my small child make her act like a ping pong ball in a shoebox. Within an hour after her discharge from the hospital, I begin to feel crummy. Sore throat, cough, runny nose. Oh joy.

I spent the weekend crashed on the couch, miserable and trying to recover. My child continued to be her lovable, completely wild self. Screaming, swinging, laughing and creating general mischief. She went back to school this morning. Praise God.

I went to work, hoping for the best. Within an hour, my boss said “No way, jose” and sent me home because I’m a germ-infested liability. Leaving the building, I fall. I fall down the freaking stairs. And I’m pretty sure besides my completely deflated and injured pride, my arm’s broke.

Too embarrassed to find someone, I hurry to the ER. After an exhausting wait, I was found to be not broken *I disagree since the dr couldn’t even remember what my illness was in the first place*, two ear infections and a viral lung something or other. But heaven-they prescribed VICODIN! Hours later, prescription in hand, I arrive home. To find that the city has issued a warning telling residents to not drink the water.

Of freaking course.

So I’m in pain, my kid needs her cocaine, er, I mean steroids and I need painkillers. Mommy’s dragging ass and my kid is chattering hers off.

What the hell did I do to karma?

Thanks for letting me vent. Your stories cheer me up greatly. Seriously. They do. 🙂

Then this one, baby, is for YOU.


As always, O! Internet, my Internet, please feel free to add your witty insights below because I have most certainly missed something.

OH! And I added an EMAIL ME link on my sidebar because that seemed like a good idea especially since I am trolling for writing projects and other assorted things to do. So, if you need a slightly sober writer, I am totally your bitch.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
41 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On December 6th, 2009 at 12:33 am Jenn Says:

    Kent’s got that Catholic guilt thing going on too. He doesn’t stand up for me either but I have learned not to take shit from the in-laws regardless. The more you give in, the further they will push you. It’s one thing when they are doing little annoying things but it’s a whole other story when they start doing/saying things in an attempt to turn your kids against you (or make your kids think less of you). It sucks and it isn’t fair but better to be the bad guy in your in-laws’ eyes than in your kids’ eyes. In my opinion, of course. 🙂

  2. On December 19th, 2009 at 8:51 pm hesh Says:

    I suggest going through their things when they come to visit and making snide comments about what they own, take, wear, act, etc. For instance: Grandma forgets something at home. Tell the kids that grandma is getting forgetful in her old age and needs to reminded of everyday tasks– like washing her hands, brushing her teeth, combing her hair. 🙂

  3. On December 6th, 2009 at 12:34 am kalakly Says:

    You know, vicodin should at least be made available, without a scrip, for the month of December. Think of the lives that might be saved….

  4. On December 6th, 2009 at 1:48 am Krissa Says:

    You drank the fu*kin’ water didn’t you!? I am telling you, those warnings are FOR something!

  5. On December 6th, 2009 at 6:29 am Tullulah Says:

    I always offer sexual favours for hubby to be to do stuff lol

    Thought thats what boobs were made for hehehehe

    Love your blog babes!!



  6. On December 6th, 2009 at 7:28 am Badass Geek Says:

    Sexual favors totally work. Totally.

  7. On December 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    NOTHING motivates a man to do anything that you ask around the house. I have given up asking, begging, bribing and I go straight to buying, just like you Aunt Becky. Seems the more you ask, the less likely it will be to get done.

  8. On December 6th, 2009 at 8:01 am Hilly Says:

    I’m a little bit sad that they’re taking Vicodin off the market. Now what will we take when the going gets rough? Um, I mean…when we’re in pain?

  9. On December 6th, 2009 at 8:27 am Mantra Says:

    Yes Virginia – I mean, Becky, blow jobs really do work as a motivator (also works as trade for purchase of cute new shoes. That or I’m a bit of a… whore?). HOWEVER… it’s gets a little exhausting, to say THE LEAST.

    I will tell you this though, not that you’ll have to deal with this sort of thing as the Daver seems to be of sound mind: blow jobs to not work to keep an addict from using or encourage them to tell the truth 🙂 but then, most people probably already knew that.

    As you can see, I have employed the sexual favors tool in many situations to truly assess its value. I dare say, I am an expert.

  10. On December 6th, 2009 at 8:34 am Val Says:

    About the Daver buying Ensure instead of Slim-Fast (which has recently been recalled, btw), my hubby does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. He is truly the smartest man I know, yet does such stupid shit that my sister calls him Captain Oblivious. When he pulls another one, I roll my eyes, and call my sis, who usually ends up rolling on the ground laughing.

  11. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:07 am Beth Says:

    I couldn’t deal with that MIL (or FIL). Sounds like it might be time for the *special* brownies to be baked to send their tushies off to the Land of Nod. Now for the real question. What medicine would do that?

    You just reminded me to be thankful that MY MIL is in a diaper and can’t remember who we are. It really could be worse.

  12. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am JennyMac Says:

    I like my in laws that much more now… Chris Brown is currently free, maybe he can pay a visit.

  13. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:25 am Notesfromthegrove Says:

    I found out in highschool I have some strange immunity to vicodin. I once even doubled the dose to be sure.

    Of ALL the dumb luck.

  14. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:27 am melissa Says:

    Favors with hubby totally work, at least mine. 80% of the sex we have was bartered for. It’s pretty romantic.

  15. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:37 am Elly Lou Says:

    I had three brothers and all I wanted in the world was to be able to hit one of those pee targets. Sadly I never learned to aim without a funnel. Thanks for bringing back that childhood trauma. I’ll be writing Aunt Beck for help with that next week. Sigh…

  16. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:49 am Becca Says:

    Ok, seriously I’m in love with a girl (who sometimes ACTS like a man) and sexual favors don’t even work with her!

    Second, my ex-mil used to treat me the same way. I finally let loose after I left the asshole, and now she and I are fine. Probably not an option for your second question, but I’m just sayin!!

    Also, Vicodin can seriously be your friend in any storm, but watch out for the side effects no one tells you about. Like how you won’t be able to poop for weeks!! I know, I know TMI…

  17. On December 6th, 2009 at 10:38 am Nona Says:

    My MIL is a first-class pain in the ass, too. I hold my breath the entire time she visits waiting for the next nasty bit of condescending crap to fly out of her mouth. For the sake of my husband, I just walk on egg shells around her and drink a lot. Gallons, actually. And now I have my friend Klonopin to help make everything better.

    And blow jobs for household jobs is a completely legitimate transaction, in my humble opinion. I will shut my whore mouth now.

  18. On December 6th, 2009 at 10:41 am CeSSyG Says:

    i always offer a ‘favor’ to get what i want. how do you think i talked the mr. into us hosting a new years eve party? oh yes i will be doing a lot of blow everyday until then… & not the illegal kind.

    as for the in-laws – well i’ve never had a problem checking people. however, i have had great in-laws for the last 18 years. they understand boundaries, they always take my side, they don’t over impose, and they are just kind people… i’ve never really had a problem with them and appreciate how blessed i am. there have been a handful of times i can recall being upset by them and this past thanksgiving was one.

    and me being me – i politely checked there asses. do the same and save yourself a lot of stress.

  19. On December 6th, 2009 at 10:43 am Jenn @ Juggling Life Says:

    Perhaps the letter writer with the in-law problems could offer her husband sexual favors in exchange for him setting his parents straight.

    Not that I didn’t love my husband anyway, but I knew what kind of man he was when my MIL and I got into at Christmas 18 years ago because I wouldn’t take her back-stabby comments made with a sweet smile and my husband took my hand and walked out of the door with me.

    It took 9 months for us to make our peace, but we’ve smooth sailing and an actual friendship since then.

  20. On December 6th, 2009 at 11:18 am Ms. Moon Says:

    Frankly, I’ve never known the promise of sex to fail. In any form.

  21. On December 6th, 2009 at 1:48 pm Pete in Az Says:

    On the first one: Rip the lawn out and put in a garden.

    Second one: Put up with the shit storm a couple of times. Eather they will learn to comply, or the won’t come back. Win-win if you ask me.

    The third one reminds me of the story about the guy who kept wacking himself in the head with a 2X4. When asked why, he replied: “Because it feels so good when I stop.”

  22. On December 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm Ed Says:

    Hoping that men everywhere don’t kill me for this, but sex doesn’t work. It makes us want to take a nap. And a smart negotiator will demand the sex up front … er, … in advance.
    To the second advice seeker I offer the following: Start calling contractors to get bids on additions for your in-laws’ house. Make sure you tell the contractors that this is intended to be a gift from you to them. If convenient, have the contractor bring a card from you that says something like, “You win. You’re obviously better equipped to raise our kids than I am. But your taste sucks and your house is a little too small. Also, I’m heading to Mexico alone for a series of random and exhausting sexual encounters. Hope the renovations are done by the time I get back. Warm regards.”

  23. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:31 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dave is too busy saving the world to get a BJ. Unless I gave him a BJ WHILE he saved the world, which is kinda, well, then I’M STILL mowing the lawn.

  24. On December 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm Third Question Says:

    My horrible, no-good, very bad day is published! I did manage to survive but man, that week sucked ass.

    And besides making me write a long tangent to a blogger, vicodin did little to take any edge off of the pain.

    Thanks Aunt Becky!!!

  25. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:32 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I read your question when it came in and I was all, dude, I cannot possibly tell a story good enough to make her feel better. THAT is a BAD DAY. Glad it’s better. Also, PASS THE VICODIN.

  26. On December 6th, 2009 at 5:49 pm Gypsy Rose Says:

    Oh my gawd. My dad used to give me and my brother ENSURE full-time from the time we were 3 until we were about 10. Of course, we though it was great cuz we didn’t know any better- it was just like a milkshake in a little can. He totally thought it was for kids or something!

  27. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    You know, I used to BEG my dad for his Metamucil when I was a kid and I thought it was like drinking heaven. Now, I’d rather lick an ashtray than drink that stuff. Kids are WEIRD.

  28. On December 6th, 2009 at 8:21 pm Liz Says:

    Wait now, I’m Catholic, and full of the guilt, and have absolutely no trouble telling my MIL what she can do with herself when she gets out of line. Of course, I’ve had her for 16 years, and we’ve made peace with both of us being Alpha Bitches. Sadly, it does appear that my husband, when choosing his ideal wife, chose someone almost identical to his mother. Just younger and prettier and with bigger boobs. I’d also have to say never living closer than 2000 miles from her has definitely been a plus in our relationship.

    Aww, who am I kidding, I love my IL’s. They make my family look so… normal. Heh heh. heh.

  29. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:34 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. YES. My IL’s make me feel NORMAL and WELL ADJUSTED. Ha.

  30. On December 6th, 2009 at 9:17 pm mumma boo Says:

    Reader #1: Hire somebody to do the lawn, dishes, etc. Once hubby sees that money is coming out of his pocket to pay for it, he’ll do it. And if he doesn’t, it still gets done. Sex doesn’t work. Money does.

    Reader #2: I’m with Aunt Becky – tell them to piss off and deal with the fall-out. Your husband’s Catholic guilt will ease up once they’re not speaking to you. Can’t feel guilty if no one’s talking shit to you, right?

    Reader #3: You have my sincere empathy. Hopped-up kid vs. sick parent is never a good situation. Been there, done that, and cried with relief when Monday rolled around and she was back in school. You are not alone. Now, please, hoard your Vicodin for the future. It’ll be a hot commodity when the FDA takes it off the market – bastards.
    Reader #3:

  31. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:35 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’d prefer to hire someone because I can then chew them the shit OUT if it’s not done right.

  32. On December 6th, 2009 at 11:19 pm Melanie Says:

    Dear Aunt Becky,
    It seems like the people who send in questions are asking things that I bet they already know the answers to, but lack the courage to do so.

    If a husband isn’t holding up his end of the bargain at home, then the wife has a duty and a right to sit him down and calmly and rationally ask him what is going on, why he isn’t bearing his responsibility, and without accusing him, listen to what he has to say. Maybe he’s going through some stuff. He needs to be reminded, though, that just because he doesn’t *feel* like doing the things that are his do to, doesn’t mean he can just stop. We all have to put our big kid panties on and deal with it. It’s for better or for worse, not for better or when you feel like it.

    To the person with the crappy family: I have always said that your family treats you the way you let them treat you. Having in-laws who are out of order is nothing new. Why are you afraid to confront their poor behavior? Would you tolerate that from anyone else? I would wager the answer is no. The curt answer to your issue is, grow some balls, or stop complaining. If you don’t like the way they are treating you, then stop letting them come into your home. Stop letting your children see them. Put your foot down. Don’t be a jerk about it- be an adult about it. You can lay out exactly what upsets you about their behavior and what the consequences of those actions will be if they choose not to change. It’s very simple, it’s drama- free (even if it might not feel like it) and even better, it’s you taking charge of your life- exactly as an adult should.

  33. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yup. Well said.

  34. On December 7th, 2009 at 12:32 am Siera Says:

    To the MIL I’d tell her where to go and how to get there. There YOUR KIDS and having grandma throw out your kid’s beloved skate shoes because she didn’t approve is beyond bullshit. I am guessing she didn’t pay for them so I’d be demanding the amount paid for them.

  35. On December 7th, 2009 at 3:48 am Carlynn Says:

    Interesting discussion on sexual favours. I have a friend who swears by them but I have never tried it. Isn’t it really obvious that you are doing this to get something and doesn’t that put him off (or am I totally misunderstanding the male psyche?)

  36. On December 7th, 2009 at 10:36 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t think it would work for Dave, but he’s a weirdo.

  37. On December 7th, 2009 at 11:43 am Kristine Says:

    You know, if I only manage to teach my son one thing, it’s this “Put your wife first – and always stick up for her – to ANYONE, even me.” I wish the generation above us had taught our husbands that.

  38. On December 7th, 2009 at 11:50 am Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Yes. YES. I agree. I TOTALLY agree. Dave would throw me under a bus, I have no doubt. Or at least, he’d want to have a conversation with the bus about me.

  39. On December 7th, 2009 at 1:12 pm Regina Says:

    Men need to realize that the sexual favors thing works in reverse too. When household chores are done, and all is right with the world, women tend to be more relaxed and perhaps more interested in sex. When you’re not worrying about getting stuff done, it’s a lot easier (and better).

  40. On December 7th, 2009 at 1:19 pm beerab Says:

    I have to agree- you have to sit down and tell your in-laws it’s not acceptable for them to throw away items you paid good money for. It’s just NOT- specially in this economy. And I would also tell them that under no circumstances should they speak about you in a negative fashion- it’s just RUDE and most likely it has upset your children very much. If someone spoke badly about my mother as a child I would have freaked.

    I’d have this conversation at THEIR house and if MIL gets upset and starts crying and doesn’t even listen I’d say that if they can’t follow your simple requests then you have no choice but to not have them come over anymore until they are ready to accept what you have said.

    Seriously if my MIL threw out my children’s shoes and spoke ill of me I’d be livid.

  41. On December 7th, 2009 at 6:27 pm Sarah Says:

    Yes, trading blowjobs for chores and whatever does work. It really, really does. Otherwise nothing would ever get done by my husband around here.

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