Mommy Wants Vodka

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Go Ask Aunt Becky


Hi, Aunt Becky!

I saw your article on Toy With Me, and thought you might be able to help me with my problem.

*whispers* I’ve never had an orgasm…while having intercourse. I have a GREAT time with my husband, but alas, I don’t know what to tell him to do to get me there!

Also, *ahem* using my fingers isn’t really my thing. But I’m up to trying other stuff!

Trying for the Big O

Well, my friend, you are not alone, and for that I am sorry. I appear, actually, to be in the statistical MINORITY here, because I can get my rocks off by sex alone. Thankfully, though, for you (and I suppose for my Google Search Engine, which is already blessed by things like “Ron Jeremy” and “Debbie Does Dallas” as well as “what does rabbit poo look like?”)(don’t ask)(also, am I the only person who thinks of my Google Search Engine as a person?), my sex-a-licious friend over at Toy With Me, Dear RedHead tackled this on Friday.

Here is what she found.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

Aunt Becky,
I recently married a really great guy, but he is a bit of a “Momma’s boy”. Now, this wouldn’t be so bad, but this woman feels the need to get involved in or comment on every aspect of my life. She wasn’t like this before we got married, but now, she won’t leave me alone! How do I fix this situation before I accidentally kill her or something?

Well fuck me seven ways from Sunday, that sucks.

My very conservative mother-in-law may or may not loathe the ground that my heathen walk on which may or may not have something to do with the Thanksgiving that I accidentally showed up wearing a “Too Busy To FCUK” shirt (say it with me now “WHOOPS“*!), but actually we get along okay.

So here’s the kicker of this: you’re going to have to deal with this with your husband. This is one of those “united we stand, divided we fall” type of situations, because if you do not, it’s going to go around and around and you’re going to look like the bad guy.

It’s going to be all, “SHEILA (that’s your pretend name) said that you can’t come over and talk to her that way, MOM” and then it looks like you went whining to Bill (your husband’s pretend name) about Mary (your mother-in-law’s fake name). You look like an asshole. Not just like any asshole, but a WHINY asshole. Which totally isn’t fair.

No, you and Bill need to set some boundaries TOGETHER when it comes to your mother-in-law because if you don’t, she’s going to show up when you’re doing the nasty one day and tell you that you’re not boning him properly. And that is BULLSHIT.

This is going to be one of those ugly talks, or maybe it won’t be, I don’t know. Dave’s not one to stand up for me, in fact, if you, Sheila, or ANY of you were to be all, “Hey Dave, your wife is a bitch,**” he’d be all, “DUH” and I’d be all, “HEY!” So, if I had an issue with my mother-in-law, like a real one (she’s a state away, heh) or anyone else, it would be me against them. Or Ben and I against them. He always takes my side.

I wish you the best of luck.

Aunt Becky,

Why does my husband watch football all weekend? And by watch football, I mean yell at the television all weekend long and generally pollute the atmosphere of our home with his ranting at the little uniforms moving around on the TV screen. I don’t mean this in a wifey, woman-y way, but I really hate football season, because my husband acts like Sybil- ecstatic when his teams when, menopausal when they don’t.

Am I a hag if I tell him to get a new hobby? Or ask him to go have his heart attack at a sports bar?

Well, I don’t think you can tell him that he can get a new hobby because, well, I think he might beat you with his commemorative Bears 85 (THANK YOU!) Superbowl Shuffle Gold Record, but yeah.

Dave’s a soccer guy and while he’s not thrilled when The Fire lose, he’s not exactly moping into his bag of chips. I don’t see why sending him off to the sports bars is a bad thing, or having him build himself a Man Cave somewhere where you don’t have to listen to the bellowing.

But I am turning this question over to you, my people, who can probably answer this better than I. Sports fanaticals are just something I’m not familiar with (she says as she strokes her orchids).


So have at it, my friends, fill in any gaps I have left for my desperately seeking advice-rs above. And, as always, feel free to submit your questions through the sidebar.

*True story.

**You don’t really need to test this theory because he doesn’t read my blog and besides, what if you hurt my extra sensitive feelings. SHUT UP! I have sensitive feelings. STOP LAUGHING.

posted under Go Ask Aunt Becky
51 Comments to

“Go Ask Aunt Becky”

  1. On November 15th, 2009 at 12:26 am Linsey Says:

    **1985 Bears Superbowl Shuffle

  2. On November 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am Your Aunt Becky Says:


  3. On November 15th, 2009 at 11:00 pm Gunfighter Says:

    Wasn’t that originally called the “Icky shuffle”?

  4. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:02 am GeauxSaints Says:

    I am a woman who is a football fan!!

    So much so, that when our son was smaller – he asked to go to his grandparents “because Mom and Daddy yell at the TV, and are too LOUD!!” Or something like that…I don’t remember, the Saints had the ball. :o)

    I will say, my husband is waaay more emotional about it than I am. If the Bears have a crappy game *cough* SEASON, he is sad about it. Really sad. I, of course, have been a Saints fan since birth. From way back when we all wore bags on our heads. (Yes, coonasses like to dress up.) Costumes = the Shit.

    I just have the attitude, “We’ll get ’em next year” “Wow, bad calls in that one” “Stupid Snow!” “Thank God for Morton!” “I am in love with Sean!!!!” Things like that. I guess I’m just a glass half full kinda girl.

    I have found the only thing to bring hubby out of his “Football Funk” is being naked. Any kind, any where. He’ll forget about those 5 interceptions…and focus on you. (If you are lucky, like me, he’ll support a crappy team, and you’ll get to be nekkid ALOT!!)

    As for leaving you and going to a Sports Bar? Only if he doesn’t drink, or if your going to pick him up.

    Do you think he gives a fat crap about your hobbies? You sure don’t have to love his. Or understand, or care. Think of it as some FREE ME TIME!!

    Just support him…and for a few months out of the year…let him act like a douche. (I only say that in case he is a Cowboys fan…hahahaha)

    Otherwise – Football fans are full of the Awesome.

  5. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:11 am Nitza Says:

    I vote sports bar. With “the guys.” Because then not only do you not look like a nag, you look like an especially considerate and supportive wife.

    Double bonus!

  6. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:34 am luna Says:

    to trying for the big O, um, has he tried his mouth?!

  7. On November 15th, 2009 at 3:10 am ScienceGeek Says:

    Trying for the big O, the problem might by physical. If, like Becky, you’re a Google fan, look up Marie Bonaparte (yep, a relative of Napoleon). She divided women into three groups, based on how close their clitoris was to the opening of the vagina, and how likely they were to then orgasm during intercourse, and she was pretty accurate. (Now there’s a fun game for a couple – ‘hey honey, grab your tape measure and let’s find out if I’m a teleclitoridienne!’)
    Then, while you’re on google, look up suppliers of vibrators or, if your husband is willing, one of those vibrating cock rings (bizarely enough, I got one as a promotional thing in a packet of condoms). What little personal advice I can offer is – you can’t get a bargain with sex toys, so it’s worth paying a bit extra.

  8. On November 15th, 2009 at 6:00 am DG at Diaryofamadbathroom Says:

    Sports fans that engage in this type of behavior give me flaming hemmhoroids. I have had to deal with this on and off throughout my life, and I find the best solution is to get out of the house. I try to go for a little retail therapy or a lazy and boozy lunch with the girls (at a restaurant without TV’s or you’ll only hear it there. You can also ask him to go watch elsewhere. I think if you mix it up and he’s not patently kicked out of the house for EVERY game, you’ve actually got a little fairness going on.

  9. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:10 am trish Says:

    About the sportsfan, I think that the easiest thing would be to encourage him to hang out with like-minded people, and to have a rotating game schedule, so that you only have to deal with it once in a while.

    then again, I am a loud-mouth F1 (read cars) fan, and don’t see a problem with bellowing at the tv (yes, I am quite a contradiction,boobs, and a drunken sports fan).

    Another tactic would be to just talk to him, because he may not realize how obnoxious he is being.

  10. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:30 am liza Says:

    Tell him to get a new hobby? Why don’t you just cut his testicles off while you’re at it? Maybe you should get a new hobby instead of trying to come up with ways to deny your husband something he clearly loves.

    Instead of getting your panties in a wad, why not be happy for your husband for finding something that not only makes him happy, but releases the stress of the work week at the same time? Whatever happened to live and let live?

  11. On November 15th, 2009 at 9:11 am moonspun Says:

    Yelling at the tv over football is the best argument for having a “man cave” in your house….send him to the basement…and sound proof it!

  12. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Soundproofing. GOOD CALL.

  13. On November 15th, 2009 at 9:51 am Kelly Says:

    I am a sports widow, in many, many ways. My husband is an umpire for baseball, and is a referee for football. He also is an all around sports junkie, from bowling, golf, baseball, football and basketball, or anything that can make it onto ESPN, which is everything under the freaking sun. We have had many words over the years about the screaming at the television, and it has quieted over time…while he watches the sports I can’t stand, I usually read a book, and tell him to shut the fuck up a lot, when he starts getting loud.

    After a while, you just learn to deal with it, or go shopping…oh, the Coaches I’ve brought home…that usually helps, and when he gets the bill we get a little hiatus from sports for a while…

  14. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:27 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am a Blackberry widow, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, he is on call, 100 + hours a week some weeks and I never know when they’ll call, so I totally understand. But usually, he doesn’t yell.


  15. On November 15th, 2009 at 11:11 am Andrea Says:

    ummm…..Football is tolerable. How about NASCAR? NASCAR ruined my life. FML. Screw Jeff Gordon, Mark Martin, Jimmy Johnson and the phucking “cars of tomorrow” that they drove in! My husband is worthless during NASCAR. The world could be ending and he will still be watching those stupid cars going round and round. Football is do-able.

  16. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:26 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    *Bwahahahaha* I am a Blackberry widow, so I understand. 24/7. Always on call.

  17. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    To the woman with the no-orgasm-from-just-sex-problem…I think many women have this issue, so you aren’t alone, for sure. In agreeance with what other readers have said, relax and have fun trying to figure out what works best. For a few of my friends and myself, oral + finger action (the “come here” move – look it up) works very well, and once you achieve orgasm that way, it may be easier to do it again while in the female on top position. Being comfortable is key!

    To the lady with the husband who watches football like a maniac – used to have the same problem. I finally ended up staying in another part of the house or going to a friend’s house during game time. Sports bar for him probably would’ve been a better idea, though. 😉

  18. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:25 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’ve heard the no orgasm problem is TOTALLY common. So glad Dear Redhead covered that one for me. *phew*

  19. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:40 pm Zakary Says:

    Agreed. Nascar is ruining my life. And Nascar season goes from February until November. JESUS CHRIST.

  20. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. NASCAR? I am so glad that we don’t do that here. Unless I could be bought off by some shopping. Then I could be very easily bought.

  21. On November 16th, 2009 at 8:11 am 3xE Says:

    A good fallback to get away, if you are a sports widow as most of us seem to be, is to do crafty things. I’m not a scrapbooker or crafter in any realistic sense of the word. My next plan for hanging with the wives is to decorate a t-shirt. A plain white tee with fancy script on the front- in Sharpie, of course- that says “Go Team.” The back will have “We’re Number 1” like it’s someone’s last name and jersey number. This makes it appropriate for any sport or team, and if the other wives like it enough, I have a craft for the next week- making them each one.

  22. On November 15th, 2009 at 1:41 pm submom Says:

    I just want to say: Thank goodness you are NC-17!!!!! I checked out the Dear Redhead, and I will simply say “Thank you”. And then I am going to go weep now, a happy weep.

  23. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:24 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dear Redhead is amazing. And I’m so happy she could help.

  24. On November 15th, 2009 at 2:17 pm kys Says:

    To the sports widow, I recommend Sunday shopping, man caves, and/or headphones.

    PS I’m not here to cause no trouble, I’m just here to do the Superbowl Shuffle.

    PPS I was thinking of Mimi as the Spinmaster – not the cage dancer for God’s sake!

  25. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’d be totally shopping or blogging. But probably shopping because I like spending money.

  26. On November 15th, 2009 at 11:05 pm Gunfighter Says:

    I remember that video~

  27. On November 15th, 2009 at 2:45 pm lauren Says:

    I love you.

  28. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw. I love you too.

  29. On November 15th, 2009 at 3:11 pm Krissa Says:

    Shelia, (not her real name) just needs to have a come-to-Jesus with Mary, (not her real mother-in-law). Lay it out there and tell her to give her back the spare key. Oh, wait a min…. that’s just me…. hummm

  30. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Oh yes. A come-to-Jesus moment, indeed. Good call.

  31. On November 15th, 2009 at 3:16 pm Lucy Says:

    I heard somewhere that something like 7% of women have orgasms through intercourse.
    What is that – 1 in 15? (Close enough for government work.) I’m proud to say that I’m the one in 15!
    So, there’s 14 women out there having sex with men that I could be screwing and they’d all have a better time with me!
    Life sure sucks. Or screws – something like that.

  32. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I am the one in fifteen too. And it rules. When I have sex, that is.

  33. On November 15th, 2009 at 3:48 pm mumma boo Says:

    For the football widow – tell him he can yell at the TV all he wants while he watches the kids because you, my dear, are off to do whatever the hell you want. That’ll shut him up and have him looking for someplace else to watch right quick. (At least that’s what worked in my house.)

    Great job, as always, with the advice, Becky!

  34. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. Yeah. Daver is always in the basement for it, so I’m luckily far, far removed. *phew*

  35. On November 15th, 2009 at 6:00 pm Paul Lundgren Says:

    For the lady who can’t get off by intercourse, I’d prescribe Dan Savage’s advice: She should tell her husband, “Eat my pussy or I’ll break your fucking legs!”

  36. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Well said, my friend.

  37. On November 15th, 2009 at 11:06 pm Gunfighter Says:


  38. On November 15th, 2009 at 6:41 pm PeterA Says:

    amazing stuff thanx 🙂

  39. On November 15th, 2009 at 7:56 pm Jules Says:

    Yeah marriage and having kids apparently turns on some unknown MIL switch (from “nice” to she-devil) Naively I missed that memo and now am stuck in the same spot where hubby needs to tell her a few things…….

    And yeah I probably watch more sports than hubby. Neither of us really “yell” at the tv (unless someone does something really, really stupid….ok so that happens quite a bit)

  40. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:21 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I’m pretty lucky that my MIL leaves me alone, or we’d be facing off, she and I, head to head, like Celebrity Death Match.

  41. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Jules Says:

    Sigh……..we live a mile away. Time to move eh?

  42. On November 15th, 2009 at 8:23 pm Karen Bannan Says:

    As for the no O: Have you thought about trying it on top? Lean forward and move horizontally rather than up and down. That works pretty well!

  43. On November 15th, 2009 at 9:28 pm Chris Mancini Says:

    There is a comraderie of being loud and drunk and yelling at a television. If there wasn’t, there would be no sports bars.

  44. On November 16th, 2009 at 1:33 am Mad Woman Says:

    As if I wasn’t laughing hard enough when I read “fuck me seven ways from sunday”…but then you had to use Sheila and Bill?! Sheila is my mother’s name and she just married a guy named Bill. If his mother wasn’t already dead, I’d think you’d been writing about them!

  45. On November 16th, 2009 at 8:03 am Cat Says:

    You can’t change a sports fanatic. I live in the deep south, I’m surrounded by them, I am one, and I was married to one.

    Your best bet is to find someone who likes the same sports teams and has a bigger, nicer TV. Facilitate a friendship. Wave as your husband leaves on the weekends. Sports bar is also an option. Or maybe you could split custody of the TV? Every other weekend or something.

  46. On November 16th, 2009 at 8:04 am 3xE Says:

    My husband’s friends all get together on Sunday (and Saturday if the college game is good enough). The wives get shuffled into the living room with the children (ick) and the men hang in another room to watch the games. Occasionally the men and children flow from room to room looking for attention, a change of scenery, or a snack. It’s an ordeal lasting 3-8 hours every Sunday. For soccer, which only 2 husbands are serious about, they meet at a sports bar and watch the Premier League (Arsenal v. Liverpool is a hot topic in my house). I bring a laptop, a book, and a Starbucks giftcard to have an excuse to leave- “working on something.”

  47. On November 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm Mrs Soup Says:

    I’m lucky in that my MIL and I have gotten a better relationship in the last year. Since she moved closer. Which is CRAZY and I *love* it. She’s amazingly awesome now.

    My sister-in-law’s mother-in-law though….that lady is a MAJOR piece of work…

  48. On November 18th, 2009 at 8:25 am Megan Says:

    I grew up in a house where my father was a crazy, screen-yelling football watcher, and it has made me forever hate the sport. I can’t stand the sounds of it on the tv, even if nobody is yelling, and I think it’s the reason I can’t really abide by loud noises in general. I think the suggestions offered are good: build and soundproof a man cave (but be sure he doesn’t start to live down there…you don’t want to lose him altogether); send him off to a sports bar, since he’s sure to have more fun with like-minded people anyway; set up a rotating schedule with his friends so you only put up with it once a month or so…or not at all. You can get together with your girlfriends for a meal or shopping or a movie. If he’s at your house anyway, he can be in charge of the kids while he’s there!

  49. On November 19th, 2009 at 1:04 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Totally hate the sports noise too. The commentators annoy the shit out of me but Dave isn’t super-annoying. I’m lucky, I guess.

  50. On November 21st, 2009 at 2:15 pm Sarah Says:

    My mom and my grandma BOTH married momma’s boys. I forget what my grandma did, but they got married later in life, so I think the MIL just died.

    My mom told my dad that she’d been single a lot longer than she’d been married, and she didn’t mind going back. If his mom wouldn’t stay the hell out of the house and keep her mouth shut, she’d let the MIL have her son back. My dad chose my mom.

    (I can’t put up with ANY of that crap, which is why I am apparently still single.)

  51. On November 23rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    I don’t think I could put up with that crap either, truthfully. My mother-in-law stays the hell OUT of my business. Thank sweet baby Jesus, because we do NOT see eye to eye.

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