Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Fund This.


It’s October now, and we’re coming up on my favorite part of the year: autumn. Summer has so few holidays that I adore, with the possible exception of my birthday, which I’m still petitioning for national holiday status. Not too sure why the holiday makers are ignoring me so thoroughly, but anyway.

Now, on the not too distant horizon all of my favorite holidays are looming. We’re going to an actual pick-your-own-pumpkin patch this weekend which is about a million times better than the overcrowded, carnival-like one that we used to go to. Like anything else in the world, our old pumpkin patch was super-awesome until the rest of the world discovered it, and then the owners brought in a petting zoo, rides, a clown, a circus, a corn maze, a donkey show, llamas, an apple orchard and rocket rides. I’m only exaggerating slightly.

Afterward, if we’re all still alive, we’re going to carve pumpkins and decorate cupcakes. I’m completely excited by this because not only does this mean I might get to eat a cupcake, which, after weeks on a diet sounds totally delicious, but also, seeing the holidays through the eyes of your children is half of the reason for HAVING kids in the first place. Right?

(the other half is, of course, tax deductions. OBVIOUSLY)

In a orange and black induced haze, I had forgotten what ELSE October brings to our house: fundraiser time. We live in a kid-infested neighborhood, the kind that you literally cannot walk through without tripping over someone’s bike, or someone’s toddler which is great. Mostly I like kids, especially if I don’t have to watch them and they’re not destroying my stuff.

I was a Brownie for a year until I dropped out when I realized what a waste of time and energy it was. Time I could have better spent sitting on my ass and watching grass grow. I dutifully sold cookies door to door as mandated by sadistic leaders everywhere and possibly one of the most traumatic experiences of my eight year old life.

I had doors slammed in my face. People scream at me. I got stiffed and ripped off. I got blisters and ruined a perfectly good pair of Keds. And for all of my trouble? I got some stupid sad-eyed puppy charm for the zipper on my hoodie.

I didn’t even sell enough to get a stupid patch.

In a month or two I will be literally be swimming in the very same stuff that I cannot eat (hel-lo diet!) my personal tithing to the Fundraising Gods. I am entirely sympathetic to these poor little tykes coming around, so much so that I try to buy something from the younger ones. PLUS, I am also trying to work up our Fundraising Karma for our children, so that by the time that I have to take them (shudder, shudder) door-to-door, mayhap people will not spit at them.

Every time the doorbell rings, I grab my check book and say a silent prayer of thanks that my own door-to-door days are now over, and later as I’m swimming in a sea of butt-ugly wrapping paper or popcorn, I’ll try and remember that maybe, just maybe, I was the house that got that kid the patch that I never got.

Or maybe I just have SUCKER written on my forehead.

posted under The Sausage Factory
9 Comments to

“Fund This.”

  1. On October 2nd, 2007 at 12:41 pm Kristin Says:

    How about an 1154 Lill party? I want to have one soon

  2. On October 2nd, 2007 at 1:25 pm Josh Hawkins Says:

    Having never been to your home….I picture you living in a non-widowed version of “Weeds”. Maybe that’s just me though.

  3. On October 2nd, 2007 at 1:28 pm becky Says:

    Okay, that sounds awesome. I’d come to this.

  4. On October 2nd, 2007 at 1:30 pm becky Says:

    I haven’t seen the show, but I picture myself as the mother from Malcolm in the Middle.

  5. On October 2nd, 2007 at 4:20 pm Josh Hawkins Says:

    It’s worth renting. The part of you is played by Mary Louise Parker (mega-hottie), and you will so look forward to those teen years.

  6. On October 2nd, 2007 at 5:01 pm Cara Says:

    FYI – carved pumpkins only last for about a week before they get disgusting, but uncarved pumpkins can last for a month. So you might want to buy a back-up pumpkin.

    And I would totally come to the 1154 Lill party.

  7. On October 2nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm becky Says:

    Josh, I am so totally renting Weeds. Thanks for the suggestion. I hope her character is sexxy.

    Cara, good plan. Thanks for the tip. I always forget some detail or another. Last year we completely forgot to carve them at all and then they rotted on our porch. It was awesome.

  8. On October 2nd, 2007 at 6:52 pm Kristin Says:


    A) You must adopt me for pumpkin carving again
    B) I am SO setting up a Lill party. All your sexxxy readers are invited!

  9. On October 2nd, 2007 at 8:06 pm becky Says:

    A) Anytime, bitches. Anytime. Mayhap we’ll do it the weekend of the 20th?

    B) Sure. I will so be there.

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