Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Frantically Tapping Out S.O.S


So I need some help, o! fellow Internet Guru’s, and the only solution is more cowbell.

Wait, that isn’t right. What I NEED is not cowbell, although Lord knows it wouldn’t hurt. What I need to know is how many readers I have.

My question for you is this: is there anyway to know how many readers I really have out there? It seems a simple request, but in the age of feed reader programs (like my beloved Google Reader, whom I might actually want to make babies with), it’s nearly impossible to quantify (kind of like my Level of Awesome. It’s Super Great, right now).

If you’re reading this in a reader, could you click over so my stat counter can see you? I won’t beg you to comment or anything, but I’m just trying to see if my stats are right.

I have a stat program, of course I do, who doesn’t? Otherwise I’d never hear of such search terms as “cameltoe competition” (Hi, I’m reigning champion to all of you who found me that way) or “my mom just wants to hold the baby but not do any cleaning or anything” (mine too! Mainly because she’s not my maid). I mean, how is that not FUNNY AS HELL and worth the time I take to check this out?

But I have a free stat counter, and I’m told by The Daver that there are such programs that you pay for out there. Since I am the Resident Cheap Ass, I don’t like to pay for things that I don’t have to. Anyone out there who does pay for one and can recommend it?

If you don’t have an answer to either of my pathetic and mewling questions, tell me this: do you have any big Labor Day plans with which you can make me feel like a lame-wad for sitting at home on my butt?

And hey, will you send some good vibes to my Southerly friends who I have just learned are now evacuating for Gustav? Of course, it’s the 3rd anniversary of That Bitch Katrina.

53 Comments to

“Frantically Tapping Out S.O.S”

  1. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am -Seraphim Says:

    No labor day deals planned…just gonna stay home play the wii, or polish some new rocks I got in the mail!

    I heart me some opals.

  2. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:06 am S Says:

    My labor day plans = evacuating for Gustav. I would TOTALLY prefer the sitting on my ass part that I had originally planned.

  3. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:09 am Maria Says:

    Are you using Google Analytics? They give some pretty crazy-detailed stats. That’s what I use to learn all about the nine people who read my blog.

    Labor Day? God I hope I spend it sitting on my ass next to a pool NOT chasing my toddler. Although he’s welcome to participate in the ass-sitting.

  4. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:12 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Here’s what you do:

    1. Setup Feedburner. It will allow you to count subscriptions. Unfortunately, you need to get all your subscribers over to the new feed to accomplish this.
    2. Setup Google Analytics.
    3. Once you’ve gotten your subscribers over, the reader count for a day is:

    Feedburner Subscribers On That Day + Site Visits On That Day – Site Visits On That Day That Were Referred by Google Reader/Bloglines and any other feed reader.

  5. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:15 am Badass Geek Says:

    SciFi Dad pretty much covered the bases. Google Reader does tell you how many subscribers you have (but only within GR). Just click the “Details” tab on your feed.

    Oh, and Labor Day plans? Possible yard sale.

  6. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:20 am swirl girl Says:

    Huh? Stat counter? Google Ananlytical? Waaay too sophisticated for my feeble mind.

    Labor Day plans – soccer practice for my 4 1/2 year old (yeah, you heard that right)….lots of wine.

  7. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:24 am deb Says:

    first of all i read you here not in a reader so i dont know how to stand up and be counted as one of the few, the proud, the Aunt Becky Stalkers. but there it is, out in the open…

    secondly, i am staying at home also, but having a cookout with ribs, dogs, burgers and several variations on the chicken theme (bbq, blackened…) – i find its safer to drink in the comfort of my own home – i hardly ever get pulled over for DWI (drooling while intoxicated) that way.

  8. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:25 am Kristen Says:

    Labour Day weekend plans? To go into labour please… It is also my 10 year olds bday on the 3rd, so labour day is always R’s bday weekend.

  9. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:28 am Edward Says:

    sitting on my butt and being very lame this weekend. NO suggestions…good luck ! I can tell you how many readers you have….A LOT, way to many for any one blogger, please share lol!

  10. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:41 am andy Says:

    count me in as a lame-wad who is sitting at home on my butt this weekend!

  11. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:53 am Cassie Says:

    No plans. My husband has to work all weekend while I take care of an apparently sick baby. It’s all very exciting at my house.

  12. On August 29th, 2008 at 11:55 am foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Details tab on the GR? Wha? Huh? I started reading this post in my GR, but I clicked over because you asked so nicely. I just added you to my Reader last night because you are all kinds of awesome!

    I look through Google Analytics and my Statcounter for search details (again, all kinds of awesome!), but in essense, the percentages and crap mean nothing to me. I wish it did. I’m clueless, really. When it comes right down to it. I read SciFi Dad’s directions up there and started to get a little shaky before I was halfway through. If you find it’s easy, walk me through it, ok?

    My delightful Labor Day plans are rambled on about on my latest post, which I just totally pimped right here! Woo!

  13. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:08 pm gypsygrrl Says:

    labor day plans? only learning and reading and catching up on studying about REAL LABOR DAYS which i will be having on fridays for the next 6 wks in my Maternity/OB rotation.

    enjoy sitting home on your lame ass, cuz you dont have to STUDY! 🙂

    no idea about the counters. but i am here.

  14. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:16 pm ks grandma Says:

    Yes, I read your wise and wonderful words through google reader, and seldom click over. (Evidently all you had to do was ask.)

    As for the week-end, it’s for laboring, right? My “hired hand” has been ill most of the summer, so his brother & wife are coming out to help with some of the 2 person, heavy equipment stuff that I don’t tackle by myself. I am so grateful.

  15. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:24 pm The Milk Maid Says:

    I’m here I’m here! I use the pay for version of site meter and it rocks hard… the free version is great too 🙂

    No plans for the holiday weekend… didn’t even know it was a holiday weekend until Faith told me she was out of school monday. Jef works– ALL weekend. I guess I will try to weld myself to the laptop and do as little as possible.

  16. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:30 pm Comfort Junkie Says:

    I love Google Analytics. I love free. Unfortunately, wordpress doesn’t let you use GA, but I use it for my professional business site.

    This weekend I am celebrating. If you call drinking champagne with your dogs and cats in the dark in your underwear celebrating. It’s been a big exciting week for me!

  17. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:35 pm Brooke Says:

    I don’t know what in the hell you are talking about Aunt Becky! Wayyy over my head. Apparently I am a very simplistic blogger. I don’t even know what Google Reader is!

    Labor Day plans…trying not to puke from nerves because my high school sweetheart is on his way to visit me tomorrow. And then trying not to puke from drinking when we are at the Poison concert! I’m aiming for a no puke weekend!

  18. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:38 pm Heather Says:

    I don’t pay for a stat counter but I do use one. I used to use tracksy before they sort of disappeared into the abyss. So now I have one called Statcounter. It’s not great but it works.

    Hope that helps!

  19. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:50 pm Collette Says:

    Hmmm…labor day plans. Well, hubby is out of town on business so it will be just me, the Tweedles, and my grandpa’s second run pinor noir…in the big bottle. And I have to go to a wedding I really don’t want to go to but feel as though I have to.

    A stat counter, I have to get me one of those.

  20. On August 29th, 2008 at 12:57 pm Lola Says:

    I am so confused by all of the Google stuff. Badass tries to help me with it, God love him. I set up Analytics, but the charts annoy me. I set up Reader, but I can’t figure out how to use it. If it means me putting in all the links, then I’m just fucked on that.

    I have SiteMeter for free, and it gives me all the stats I care to know. The most important part for me are the search terms that bring unsuspecting freaks on over to me. That is priceless blog material!

    Labor Day means cookout and tons of work for me to pull it off. That’s about it. Enjoy yours on your ass, Mama!

  21. On August 29th, 2008 at 1:04 pm LAS Says:

    No labor day plans – I will have just returned from the spa!!

    Also – this hit showing up in Arizona is not someone else – like you couldn’t tell. ha ha.

  22. On August 29th, 2008 at 1:10 pm kbreints Says:

    Nothing big going on– Dan is on his way to the first Hawkeye game of the season…. I will be doing the usual weekend stuff added in with a few more friends to gather with…

    Ans I know nothing about stats… but let us know what you find out!

  23. On August 29th, 2008 at 1:17 pm theramblinghousewife Says:


    And will be (here) for Labor Day! 🙂

  24. On August 29th, 2008 at 2:13 pm Amanda Says:

    I’ll be around the lab for the weekend and of course there’s college football. I do love me some tailgating.

  25. On August 29th, 2008 at 2:38 pm kate Says:

    someone found me recently by searching “get rid of katydid forever”. yikes.

  26. On August 29th, 2008 at 2:38 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    erm, I subscribe to your page with the first thing FireFox gave me the choice to
    I have stat counter, and blog
    (yes I am obsessive….)

    Labor Day- hopefully sitting on my ass w/ wine in hand, not talking to my crazy neighbor…

  27. On August 29th, 2008 at 2:51 pm Vered Says:

    Yup, what SciFi Dad said. 🙂

    No big plans whatsoever.

    Sorry about your friends.

  28. On August 29th, 2008 at 3:09 pm stacey k Says:

    we are spending labor weekend…laboring…
    63 days till baby and we have yet to start on the nursery….

  29. On August 29th, 2008 at 3:10 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Click. I’m here. I read. I have no plans for Labor Day.

  30. On August 29th, 2008 at 5:40 pm Emily R Says:

    I have the same problem. Not a good idea to only post this once (esp. on a Friday when stats are always lower). Post it again on a Tuesday.

  31. On August 29th, 2008 at 6:13 pm excavator Says:

    Oh, I think you answered my question, which was, if I’m viewing a post through my reader, am I counted by their stat-counter? It would appear that the stat-counter is blind to reader hits. (So maybe I have more readers than I know :p (big presumption that I’m subscribed to).

    Labor day plans: I’m praying with all my might that husband will take the kids away and let me have this weekend for myself. I’ve had a real shortage of alone time, like all summer and Sept 8 seems very far off.

    I do hope your friends fare ok.

  32. On August 29th, 2008 at 6:24 pm Holli Says:

    I feel like SciFi dad is speaking Chinese. I am a fairly technical person, and I seriously can not figure out what the hell is going on when I try to set up Feedburner. I’ve had an account for awhile, but I fell like such a dumbass when I try to figure it out. It makes zero sense to me. I can’t even figure out what it’s supposed to do!!!!

  33. On August 29th, 2008 at 6:34 pm birdpress Says:

    Good luck with the stats thing. I think you should just accept the fact that you are super awesome and you have lots of faithful readers who agree. No need to count. It’s not a popularity contest now, Aunt Becky! 😛

    My plans for the weekend are eerily similar to yours. Of course, I rarely make plans, so maybe something will happen. I hope not, because doing nothing appeals to me.

  34. On August 29th, 2008 at 7:01 pm Petra Says:

    OK, I clicked over, do I get a prize?

    I use Google Analytics and I am told that it is very accurate, but I am fairly new to this myself.

    Sorry I can’t be much help.

    As for Labor Day, we are having a par-tay on Sunday-yee-ha!

  35. On August 29th, 2008 at 7:17 pm Mumma Boo Says:

    *raising hand to be counted*

    Most exciting thing happening for me this weekend is brunch without the kids tomorrow – woohoo!

    Good vibes to all those in Gustav’s path…

  36. On August 29th, 2008 at 9:43 pm chris Says:

    Labor day plans is to get some sleep…Sorry can’t help you with the stat thing. Take SciFi Dad’s advice…

  37. On August 29th, 2008 at 10:20 pm Jenn Says:

    I WISH I could sit home on my ass and do nothing. I have to spend (at least part of) the weekend at my grandparents’ house. Which actually means that I’ll be spending my weekend going, “Monkey! Don’t touch that, it’s expensive!” and “Uuuuuugh Boo! WHY did you open that?!” and wondering why I can’t say NO when people invite me to things. Blah. It could definitely be worse though. I can’t complain (too much).

  38. On August 30th, 2008 at 12:15 am Heather Says:

    Dude. The builders are away, so I can finally get some damn sleep. So, yeah, I’ll be sleeping away Labor Day.

    And poor New Orleans. I ordered some stuff via phone from a store down there today, and the poor sales lady asked if it would be okay if it doesn’t get shipped out for another week or so due to evacuation. Broke my heart for them 🙁 .

    I’m still sitting around waiting for someone to tell me how google reader works, ’cause I need some simple these days.

  39. On August 30th, 2008 at 12:56 am Painted Maypole Says:

    waffling about evacuating, but probably actually evacuating, without my stubborn husband.

  40. On August 30th, 2008 at 2:35 am LilSass Says:

    You’ve always got me on the count cause I usually comment. Cause your posts warrant comments. Man I hate gratuitous commenters.

    I use stat counter though I think at a certain capacity, it doesn’t track your traffic for free. They keep telling me to up the ante cause it’s at “capacity” but it KEEPS telling me who’s cuming by, so I don’t know what that’s about. The cost is pretty minimal and I actually really like seeing who’s visiting to so I think it’s worth it.

    As of late, I’m getting like over 130 views a day … and 10 comments … weird, right? Why don’t people ever delurk? I mean, I talk about fellatio and pest problems and love and cancer and so many fun things. DELURK PEOPLE!!!

    Also, google reader is going to be my baby daddy so maybe we can get a two-for-one or something.

    I have zero labor day plans. It’s supposed to be yucky and rainy here in DC so I am going to watch movies and study and really, nothing at all that’s worth mentioning

  41. On August 30th, 2008 at 3:51 am apathetic bliss Says:

    Feedburner is how I lurk the lurkers…and I do mean that in a lovey sorta way….It’s free, it’s easy, I don’t want to have to figure out stats and charts and graphs ….just wanna lurk.

    I am thoroughly enjoying sittting on my ass this weekend…isn’t that what everyone does on labour day?

  42. On August 30th, 2008 at 8:58 am ~S Says:

    Hi, Aunt Becky! I admit that I have been lurking for some time. A mutual friend (Amy) told me to read. I thought that if I didn’t comment, I would be free to stop reading at any time…I was pretending that I wasn’t “invested.” It didn’t work, so here I am de-lurking to tell you what I do for stat counting.

    I set the preference on my blogger to be a “partial” post for “reader” or “bloglines.” That way when people want to read the entire post, they have to click over to the blog. I then use stat counter to pick up the traffic.

    As for holiday plans? I think I threw out my back. And I’m 27, not 80. And I didn’t throw it out in a fun way, either. I see a lot of lying in bed in my future. Have a good one!

  43. On August 30th, 2008 at 9:21 am Fancy Says:

    I’ve got nothing I can help you with on the technical stuff. I can barely figure out the basics on my new blog. Weekend plans are to go to the beach tomorrow to boogie board on the waves generated by the remnants of Faye. CT beaches usually have almost no waves because we are blocked by Long Island. And, I’m too lazy to drive to Rhode Island more than once a year. As for Gustav – go home you ugly little bastard, no one wants to play with you!

  44. On August 30th, 2008 at 9:23 am skye Says:

    I’m here! Loyal reader from canuckistan

    LOL @ lilsass after her comment I had to click to her blog

  45. On August 30th, 2008 at 9:48 am Mantra Says:

    Sitemeter… that’s what rub my boobs on.

    What will this Canadian do this long weekend…? Well, now that you mentioned it:


    Surprised you even needed to ask

  46. On August 30th, 2008 at 12:34 pm The Mommy Says:

    OK. I am so tech savvy that I have NO idea what the hell you’re talking about. I read you here, under my favorites links every day. Does that help? No? If you need more, you’ll have to call me because that’s a technology I’m familiar with…

    And Labor Day plans are also lame around here. I’m hoping to sleep in. For once. I usually get that as a Christmas present, but I’m trying to cash in early. 🙂

  47. On August 30th, 2008 at 4:29 pm Wishing4One Says:

    I wonder if you have any other fans in Cairo, if you see Egypt, it’s me!!!

    I use FREE sitemeter, awesome, awesome and easy to read. I am approaching 10,000 views, woo hoo!

    Labor day, nothing much going on, thinking of the south though, hoping senor gustav passes them by witout any harm…..

  48. On August 30th, 2008 at 4:58 pm Whitney Says:

    i read your blog directly through your link.

  49. On August 30th, 2008 at 6:29 pm Erin Says:

    I have u bookmarked from Chicago…love ur blog!!


  50. On August 30th, 2008 at 7:41 pm Anjail Says:

    I think my head just exploded thinking about stats and how to count them.

  51. On August 31st, 2008 at 12:21 am baseballmom Says:

    Dude, you know I read, but I just have the lame-o stat counter that comes with typepad. I don’t have enough stats to worry about anyway! Labor day plans, though, yes…we just returned from a fancy lodge/spa that we had a Christmas gift card for $400, and spent every penny on a room for 2 nights and one breakfast. After we swam and relaxed for those two days, we checked out and went on a 3 hour boat ride with my mom and step-dad from the resort-on a tour boat thingie that we rented with my bro, sil, and their kids. We then went to their beach house (my mom’s) and bbq’d, then headed home. Tomorrow, we go to our bffs’ house for another bbq. AFter that? 2 days until school…I’m counting!

  52. On August 31st, 2008 at 6:16 pm Joseph Says:

    Hey friend.
    I can’t for the life of me see where the Stat Counter is you want me to run over……dang, I sound like I am growing old! Really, I am just not that savvy.
    But I like your writing, and visit often.
    Found you from Edward’s blog, in the comments.

    Count me, please! Really, I am here!
    Love your writing — count me for that, too.
    Happy birthday to your boy, and yeah, for your pregnancy! Oh yeah, and the new food joint. Good deal.
    All the best to you and Daver.

  53. On August 31st, 2008 at 6:39 pm mandy Says:

    I am sad for our southern neighbors, very sad they have to do this. I just hope they all get out and stay safe.

    I have no info about the stat counter though-mine says like 5. So, be happy-I am sure millions of us love you and read you tirelessly. I am just glad to be back. You were missed.

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