Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

For Your Viewing Pleasure


But sadly, these are not the pictures that I wish I were showing you right now. Instead, you get a first hand view of how sad my feet are. The rest of me is sort of swelly, but nothing is as bad as my feet. These pictures should be considered free birth control for teens.

I must add one thing before I let the spirit take you. I specifically got tattoos on my feet so that they did NOT swell and stretch during pregnancy. It appears as though the joke is, as per usual, on me.

Also, yes, that is bruising that you can see. And that IS hair that you see. I’m terrified that my feet might esplode if I get a razor near them. And my idea of a pre-labor pedicure has gone out the window because I am afraid to show people my feet. Except for YOU, Internet. Because I love you THAT much.

Foot Fetishes Are Weird

And of course…

My Feet Are Sexxay

Quick now, before you vomit into your keyboard and send me a bill for a new one!! CUTE OVERLOAD!! PUPPIES!!


Can I bother you to say a quick prayer or do whatever it is that you people do around 1PM when I’m meeting with my MD and trying to talk him into putting me out of my misery? Dave and Ben and Alex would all appreciate it. And, of course, then there will be squishy baby pictures abounding rather than photos of my disgusting feeties.

58 Comments to

“For Your Viewing Pleasure”

  1. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:01 pm heather Says:

    Oh my lord, those are some swollen feet! I feel your pain, travel makes mine blimp up til they feel ready to pop like a sausage on a fork. You poor thing.

  2. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:05 pm excavator Says:

    Awwwww, you trust us!

    And ahhhhhh your poor feet. They must really hurt. When’s your due date? I think the internets are as eager for your baby to be born as you are. (And please forgive me if that sounds too much like, “still pregnant?” or “baby hasn’t come yet?”–all the inane things people say. My dad’s was, “any activity yet?” when my youngest was a week overdue.

  3. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:06 pm Maria Says:


  4. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Mrs.Spit Says:

    Ugh. That’s what my feet looked like after Gabe. That much swelling hurts!

  5. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:09 pm ainebegonia Says:

    Your poor feet! Your tattoos look good at least. Tell that doctor of yours it’s time to evict that baby from your womb already!

  6. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Badass Geek Says:

    Yikes. That doesn’t look comfortable at all.

    But! iPhone! That should make you feel a little better, right?

  7. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:15 pm mnsm31 Says:

    you”re gonna kill me for saying this,

    they don’t {looks again} nevermind. yeah, they do look that bad..
    they must hurt..have you tried put icey hot on them? I think it would help relieve some of the tension your feet might be feeling.

    your doctor should probably be safe rather than sorry and induce you.

    best of luck with the induction proposal.

  8. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Meg Says:

    You poor thing. I hope your doctor agrees that it’s time to get the baby out.

  9. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:19 pm swirl girl Says:

    here you go –
    quick prayer or whatever you people say…

    Hope the next post has a picture of your baby girl!!

  10. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:20 pm kbrients Says:

    omg woman.. there should not have to be much begging that goes on… are you over due yet?

    C’mon baby……. getta move on!

  11. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pm MrsJoyner Says:

    Oh sweet Lord Aunt Becky! You need to tell Amelia that mommy is done screwing around..It’s time to come out. Tell the doctor the same thing. That looks so painful. Prayers are coming your way right now. Keep us updated..As Im checking like an obsessive-compulsive!

  12. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pm ewe_are_here Says:

    Oh no! That looks so painful…

    I’d really push your doctor to at least do a sweep if he won’t induce, unless he can provide a very good explanation as to why it’s a bad idea in your case.

  13. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:28 pm Susan Says:

    Prayers sent your direction. Well, I mean the right direction. Shut up, you know what I mean. I hope you find some relief soon!

  14. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:31 pm Tina Says:

    That’s what mine looked like after I had DS. I know it’s damned near impossible with a toddler, but try to put your feet up.

    What is the deal with detached and uncaring doctors and nurses? Grr…

  15. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:36 pm lola Says:

    All I wanna know is who’s the pup? Very cute! And I take it the bow means Daver was feeling so sorry for you that he got you an iPhone. An iPhone and a new puppy? No sympathy from me for those pudgy feet of yours, girl.

    Ahh, I’m just kidding. That’s nasty, and it needs to go away STAT. For whatever it’s worth, I’m saying a prayer that you’re hooked up to the pitocin right now!

  16. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm Rebel Says:

    Oh sweetie, those look painful… if he won’t induce you beat the living hell out of him!!!

    Well by now you have gotten your answer and you are either going to get the girl out, or on your way to jail for assult… either way GOOD LUCK!!!!!

  17. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:46 pm kim Says:

    they look so uncomfortable. I hope it’s all over today.


  18. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:48 pm Anjali Says:

    Oh, you poor thing. My feet never swelled during the pregnancy, but right after my first was born, they swelled twice that size.

    Fingers crossed that baby or good news or both arrives soon.

  19. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:50 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    You poor thing. Lots and lots of prayers and good thoughts.

  20. On January 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm kalakly Says:

    Holy foot sausages batgirl, that ain’t for the lighthearted. I hope your doc takes pity on you, maybe you should ask him how he thinks his rear part would feel with your McSnausages planted firmly up it?

    Come on Amelia, come out and torture your mommy from the real world!

  21. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm Collette Says:

    Ugh! That looks terrible. Do you have pitting edema? With that kind of swelling I would guess that you do.

    It is 1 o’clock now, I am sending get that girl out of there thoughts.

  22. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:06 pm Em Says:

    Oh your feet!! Thank the Lord it’s not August.

    And damn you for teasing me with that title. I would wish another week of pregnancy on you, but I’m not that big of a bitch.

    Here’s to a productive doctor appointment!!

  23. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Betts Says:

    OMG, you got me beat, girlfriend. My feet were swollen, but not LIKE THAT. Isn’t skin amazing that it can stretch like that? I hope relief is on the way…. like NOW!

  24. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:09 pm MsPrufrock Says:

    I just wanted to tell you that I’ve spent the past half an hour humping an enlarged photo of your enlarged feet. I feel much better now that I’ve…relieved myself.

  25. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:14 pm kate Says:

    oh dear. that doesn’t look good. i will be thinking induction thoughts at 1pm. which might be now. i don’t know your time zone. so i’ll start now. just to be sure.

  26. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:20 pm Emily R Says:

    wow. those are some painful-looking feet.

  27. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:26 pm Melissa Says:

    my feet were like that when i was preg. with my dd!! I feel your pain!!!

    I hope your baby decides it’s nicer to come out and be held, or that your MD induces you!!

  28. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:34 pm Miss Grace Says:

    If you can believe it, my feet were even worse right before I had Gabriel. It was awful. I feel your pain.

  29. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:35 pm Lynanne Says:

    It’s 1:30 now so I’m guessing you are probably still sitting in the waiting room at this point (*snort*). I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best!

  30. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pm Ames Says:

    (((hugs))) and here’s to hoping they induce you soon! I know how much the swelling sucks..been there done that (twice).

  31. On January 26th, 2009 at 1:50 pm Coco Says:

    Oh, honey. I know you must just be so ready to have that sweet girl right now.

    Sending you all the good karma, blessings, & warm thoughts I have, and yes, I’ll even throw in some prayers for you, babe.

    Here’s hoping the next photos you have to post are of a scrunchy little muchkin with a slightly bemused expression on her face.

  32. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:03 pm Calliope Says:

    good lawd, lady! Those make me hurt just to look at them. ooof!
    Beaming the love your way & hoping like crazy that a swift exit plan is in the works.

  33. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm magpie Says:

    Nice tattoo.

  34. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:06 pm RhoRho Says:

    Ewww! My feet grew a size and never went back. Still working on the ass. Dig t he tatt tho!

  35. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:08 pm Rachel Says:

    I remember having feet like that last April, they felt like the skin would just split open and peel back. You have my deepest sympathy.

    Get that baby birthed already!!!!!

  36. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:15 pm Betty M Says:

    Hoping you now have your induction appt!

  37. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:16 pm heather Says:

    There’s one for the “things they don’t tell you” list — that you won’t be able to walk because your feet will mimic lifeboats. But? It’s three o’clock — have you had your baby yet? I hope you’re working on it!

  38. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:23 pm mumma boo Says:

    Sweet baby J, your poor feet! Here’s hoping that the doctor with a clue is seeing you right this very second and is ordering the induction. Prayers, good thoughts, and big hugs being sent your way!!

  39. On January 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm Miss Hope Says:

    Just imagine all the pee’ing you’re going to be doing AND SOON! Can’t you just feel the relief now?

  40. On January 26th, 2009 at 3:01 pm Tiffany @ My Random Wisdom Says:

    You poor thing!
    as if pregnancy isn’t bad enough, you have to endure the indignity of cankles!!
    mine swelled w/ the oldest boy..but nothing like that…

  41. On January 26th, 2009 at 3:07 pm mandy Says:

    Your poor feetsies. I am so sorry it is so uncomfortable right now. I hope as I type this you are in the middle of an induction, producing one less swollen momma and a little beebie for me to see!

  42. On January 26th, 2009 at 3:22 pm guilty noodles Says:

    I don’t see any hair. All I can say is:


    I’m sorry honey, if I could locate a pair of clown shoes to fit your feet, I’d drive all the way out to you and put them on for you.

  43. On January 26th, 2009 at 3:25 pm foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog) Says:

    Oh, my! I hope they’ve told you that you’ve endured enough and that there’s a baby today or tomorrow. It’s nearly 3:30 Central right now, and when I see your Reader bold again, I hope it’s to tell us there’s a baby girl!

  44. On January 26th, 2009 at 3:56 pm Heather Says:

    Aw, that looks so painful!!! I hope you’re currently too busy being induced to even read this!

  45. On January 26th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Jennifer Says:

    Whoa. Them’s some swollen dogs, mama. I hope you get some relief, STAT!

  46. On January 26th, 2009 at 5:03 pm I'm Your Anon. Troll, Biotch. Says:

    Damn, hefer! Look at those cankles! Mooooooo! Mooooooo!

  47. On January 26th, 2009 at 6:00 pm PiquantMolly Says:

    Oh, your poor feet!

    I think they may pop.

  48. On January 26th, 2009 at 6:37 pm J Says:

    Dude, it’s only fair to post a “before” picture – say from any time when they looked normal to you. Otherwise what context do we have?

    This could be your way of saying “ok, I had a few too many donuts during my pregnancy with Amelia – but am trying to blame it on the swelling”.

  49. On January 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm Jenn Says:

    I’d much rather look at your feet than a dog. For serious.
    But I really am sad for you. That must suck ass. xoxo

  50. On January 26th, 2009 at 7:49 pm Amy Says:

    painful looking feet and one hell of a cute dog! what more could I ask for? oh, yeah…Wednesday to get here and Amelia to come into the world screaming!

  51. On January 26th, 2009 at 8:18 pm charmedgirl Says:

    oh lovey…when i had the three-at-once, i went through a hellish 4 days of magnesium sulfate and steriod shots, pulmonary edema (well they deny that one, but SHIT, I COULDN’T BREATHE)…followed by the worst fucking gas from a c-sec EVER. but the worst was my feet. my whole body had actually swelled up to the size of a sumo wrestler, but my FEEEEET…holy makerel…i remember crying while my mother tried to rub the swelling down…i thought my skin would explode from pain. i’m so sorry, honey. and i hate to say, it’s gonna take a coupla weeks after the birth to get rid of it. get some huge men’s slippers from target and cut the back off, and possibly cut a slit in the front. you know, for fashion.

    can’t wait till wednesday!

  52. On January 27th, 2009 at 8:23 am Lynn Says:

    Good luck to you, ma’am! I remember Jiggly Feet with my first – every time my foot planted on the ground the tops felt like a water balloon. Gross. *lol* I was amazed about a week after she was born at how… NORMAL… my feet looked. “Look! I have regular feet!!”

  53. On January 27th, 2009 at 8:51 am deb Says:

    Great googly moogly those are some big feetsies. I’ll be sending all the good vibes I can your way at 1 your time. Which I believe is 2 my time. I got it like that.

  54. On January 27th, 2009 at 9:21 am Lainey-Paney Says:


  55. On January 27th, 2009 at 4:22 pm Maggie Says:

    Ok Becky, I have always had a feeling that we could be good friends just from reading your blog! And this post made me sure. I’m early in my pregnancy with spawn #3, but this post is just after #1 made his entrance. You beat me on foot tattoo size (I too chose that spot with pregnancy consideration), but I think I might have to take the swelling title.
    They did finally get back to normal (a size and a half longer, but more normal), and I had actual SCABS where the cankle-crease was. Ick. Here’s wishing you a beautiful, painless, and fast delivery!!

  56. On January 27th, 2009 at 11:28 pm Fancy Says:

    Oh, you poor thing. I feel your pain, literally. My feet swelled like that also. I just posted about how my first tattoo got trashed by pregnancy. Much love and good vibes your way!

  57. On January 28th, 2009 at 1:34 am heather... Says:

    OH. MY. GOD. I can’t even get mad at you for making me look at feet because HOLY SHIT Becky! I feel so bad for you. Thank God they’re getting that baby out of you tomorrow.

    I am even going to set my alarm to make sure I’m awake at 1 pm central time. YEAH baby that’s how I roll.

  58. On January 29th, 2009 at 10:56 pm Nanny Garcia Says:

    Uh, my tats are on my feet too. Whoops. Fuck.

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