Mommy Wants Vodka » Blog Archive » Fly So High You Feel No Pain

Fly So High You Feel No Pain

September9

It started with half-eaten dinners left cold, sitting at the table, waiting for the work crisis to pass. It never did.

Chink.

Movies partially watched together, while a pressing work need called.

Blast.

Dueling mortgages with a pressure to sell our former house while waiting to sell our condo.

Thwack.

A pregnancy that made me so ill that I could no longer go into work, for fear that I would vomit all over myself while driving.

Zap.

A baby so needy that I didn’t sleep for nearly a year, during which point, I had a minor nervous breakdown.

Pow.

An unexpected string of miscarriages that left me in a puddle of hormone soup.

BANG.

A precarious pregnancy that seemed doomed from the get-go, hallmarked by severe, crippling prepartum depression.

Zip.

A baby born with a severe neural tube defect requiring neurosurgery within a few days of her entry into the world.

Smack.

A debilitating case of PTSD coupled with chronic, daily migraines.

Whack.

Work that can never be enough, never is enough, requiring total dedication to that, and that alone.

Slam.

Years spent overcoming my past only to have it wallop me upside my face.

Punch.

Realizing that what had once been a marriage, something so strong that I’d never doubted it, had turned into a yawning chasm between two very different people.

Wham.

Figuring out where to go from here. Unsure if that chasm can ever be crossed.

TKO.

posted under Proof That Aunt Becky Has Feelings

196 Comments to

“Fly So High You Feel No Pain”

On September 9th, 2011 at 11:42 am Devan @ Accustomed Chaos Says:
sending lots of love your way friend.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:42 am SoberJulie Says:
Such honesty!! as always, I’m here for you sister.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:43 am Caroline Says:
Your raw pain is so evident. I wish I could hug you and take away this hurt. It’s startling to remember that a person who grabs life by the balls and laughs the whole time hurts like the rest of us. You are an inspiration with all the wonderful work, love, and laughter you bring. You have so many hugs from me.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:43 am Denise Says:
Writing about it all so no one has to feel like they are the only one.

Fucking heroic.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:34 pm Barnmaven Says:
Winner.
On September 9th, 2011 at 6:57 pm Suzie Says:
Amen.
On September 12th, 2011 at 2:16 pm Lori Says:
Absolutely!
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:44 am Maniacalmom Says:
Oh, boy…can I ever relate! It is never easy…it is never simple. Sometimes you have to slam the breaks on life…run away together and get back to basics…I am sending prayers your way!
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:45 am Roxanne Says:
Well written. Best wishes to you, whichever way it goes.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:46 am Jacquie Terry Says:
Write it out. We can work on this together….all of us. People can overcome almost everything but a marriage that doesn’t work. Slap it down and rise above.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:46 am ThePeachy1 Says:
The speed bumps, massive road blocks and detours we take in this life are actually the life itself. Often we hear, ” OMG I couldn’t do that/survive that”. Those of us faced with no other option living in it, did not pick it or want it, we were never offered another option, a door number 2. We battle on, with humor as our defense, laying brick after brick around ourselves with each one liner, while those on the outside never realize we are just barricading ourselves in with those bricks because the world, the life is such a journey that we can not escape un-damaged. There are no words in the English language strong enough to convey the sense of importance or the level of empathy, so I simply leave you with the only ones I have, ” I am so sorry, please know you are loved.”
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:12 pm Lorann Says:
Your comment was as poignant as the article! Incredibly well said, and incredibly true.

when people say to me “I don’t know how you do it” I always think “what choice do I have? I can crawl up in a ball and shut out the world, or i can keep on keeping on”…I guess that is our door number 2!
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:27 pm Cindy Says:
You have responded so perfectly, I am just going to say, I am sorry you are going through all this. And yes, know that you are loved.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:46 am Marta Says:
I don’t think I could sigh deep enough to illustrate my understanding.

That was such a raw honest post, and all I could think to myself is why is life so hard for so many of us? Why is life so bitterly unfair?

Currently I’m am too deep in my own head to see the light to give you any hopeful words of encouragement. Instead I just give you camaraderie in the land of awful. Maybe someone else can throw us a rope down?
On September 15th, 2011 at 2:21 pm La Printemp Says:
Got any room on that rope for me?

Auntie B, hang on to it with us, maybe we can wiggle our ways up together. 🙂 Hugs, strength, light, hope, and “balls”… all headed your way.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:49 am Barbara Says:
Big hugs. We’re all here for you <3
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:50 am Frelle Says:
I’m made a lot like you.

You reach out and give of yourself through your pain because you understand other people’s pain so well. Thank you for being so transparent about where you’ve been and where you are.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you aren’t sure what to do and I know the insecurity is frightening.

It’s such an honor to be part of the Band with you.

Sending endurance and peace and clarity and a big, long, embracing hug. Love you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:51 am Paula Says:
{hugs}
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:51 am Deanna Says:
Offering you many hugs and a long rope to swing to the other side. I hope you can find a way over.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:52 am Kristina Says:
Oh Jesus. I SO get this. I’m crying. Hoping for you and the Daver, and me and my husband that we can come out of it together. And stronger.
On September 15th, 2011 at 2:23 pm La Printemp Says:
Kristina, hugs to you! So many of us have been there, in similar situations. You’ll get to the other side, I promise. There’s just no way to know what it will look like from here. Stay strong!
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:53 am Chibi Jeebs Says:
I love you. I’m here for you. If you need me this weekend, you call, okay? Going to send my cell phone number just in case.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:54 am Nona Says:
I hope for only the best outcome for you and your family. Please know that you have lots of love and support from at least one person you met once at a loud BlogHer party.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:55 am SarahBee Says:
Life has a way of whacking us upside the head when we least expect it. It adds up and it’s draining. The good thing is that even in the midst of darkness, you can always find a light somewhere. You have been that light for so many others. I can only hope that The Band can be at least one light source for you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:55 am Andie Says:
*tear* Hugs to you. It’s a horrible feeling. I still remember. I hope that the both of you can cross that chasm and find your way back to each other. If not, you will find another, better path in time, though you may stumble on the way..

<3<3<3
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:55 am Triplezmom Says:
This is such a beautiful post, so honest and raw and real. It really sucks donkey balls that it’s about something so painful. My heart aches for you AB. I wish you healing and clarity. Hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:55 am Abby Says:
Screw the work shit.
Sending love your way for everything else that you need, everything else that’s important, everything else you deserve.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:56 am Ms Dreamer Says:
Sending you loads of love and hugs, Bex; no matter what happens, we’re here for you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:57 am Ewokmama Says:
I’m sorry hon. I’m here for whatever you need.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:58 am Christine Says:
Ugh. There just aren’t words that can possibly convey how I feel for you and how much I understand. Wishing you peace.
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:58 am Susan @Whymommy Says:
Oh, Aunt Becky.

Sending you love. And courage. And strength.

And chocolate, if it could fly through this computer.

You help so many – I hope you know how very many of us are out here rooting for you!
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:59 am Nancy P Says:
Such a powerful post. I wish I had powerful words to make things better. I don’t. I am here though pulling for you every step of the way. Hugs and then more hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:03 pm Kristine Says:
Sending you love. This is beautifully written, and oh so sad.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:03 pm ChickaBoom Says:
I’m sorry you’re hurting, especially after you’ve done so much for others. Whatever happens, I know you will be ok – you’re Aunt Becky. She’s strong as hell. We’re all here for you as you’ve been for us. Much love…
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:03 pm Kelly Says:
Sounds a lot like some things that I’m too afraid to say….

If I still lived in Illinois, I would totally bring you vicodin chip cookies….. And a big hug.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:07 pm Naked Girls Radio Says:
LOL! Vicodin Chip Cookies.. that is awesome.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:03 pm nic @mybottlesup Says:
i love you. i’m here for you. i really look forward to hugging you on thursday. keep breathing, mama.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:04 pm Uncle Grayhawk Says:
I am reminded of a scene in Rocky 6, where Sly tells his son “…it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.” Seems to me like you’re tougher than most, because you keep takin’ the hits and movin’ forward. We don’t need more sports “stars” as role models. We need more people like you as role models, Aunt Becky. People who take the hits that life dishes out and keep on going. Keep on doing. Giving back and finding ways to help others.

I can honestly say that if my children grow up to be like you, I’d be one of the proudest people in the world.

–Uncle Grayhawk (who is gonna find a way to play journey songs before your panels at Intervention)
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:04 pm ArykaNotErika Says:
Oh baby doll. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Wish I could just wrap my arms around you and let you cry into my shoulder. Remember we are here. You have a whole spreadsheet of people to reach out to and you know we will pick up the phone. I love you so much.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Naked Girls Radio Says:
I’m right there with you. It has been a hell of a last month.. again I will say.. LETS HANG OUT!!!! Come over. Now! *hugs*
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:06 pm Allison Sim Says:
A group of people lifting you up and making sure you see the sun. ZAP!
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:09 pm Abigail @ Skywaitress Says:
Sending you lots of love. I hoping you find a way to cross that chasm. If not we’re all here for you. Text me if you ever need to talk.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:09 pm JoJo Says:
Much love to you Aunt Becky. Praying for a clear direction for your family to move in.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:10 pm Nicole Says:
Oh, Becky. My heart hurts for you. Big hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:11 pm Remy Says:
Big big hugs! We’re here for you!
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:12 pm PrincessJenn Says:
Hugs lady. Lots of hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:13 pm Deb Says:
As much love and hugs as I can send. You have done so much for others, let us hold you up for a while.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:14 pm Erin Says:
Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. I can relate to so much of this…the miscarriages, the marriage issues and more. My heart hurts for you. Keeping you all in my thoughts.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:15 pm Erin Says:
Oh Becky, I’m so sorry that you’re going through so much right now. This is incredibly hard to read, so honest and scared and I just hope that you’ll find a way across and come out stronger for it. Many hugs, friend.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:17 pm mirianonymous Says:
Hugs and nothing but love for you and the family.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:18 pm Leah Says:
Becky, I am sending you many, many, hugs. It’s so hard to know what is the right thing to do in these situations. I am positive you will make the right one for you and your family.

Thank you for being so open and honest. I agree with everyone else when they say it’s hard to think of those that are always laughing as hurting.

I’m hoping that with all the comfort you provide for others (including me) that someone can do the same for you now.

xoxoxoxo
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:19 pm steph gas Says:
i love you aunt motherfuckin’ becky. you’ve helped me through SO MUCH, and i want to be here for you <3 <3 <3.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:21 pm Tracie Says:
I’m sending love your way, and prayers, and strength, and wisdom (although I probably don’t have much of that, but you are welcome to all of it) and love. You will make it through this.

If you need to talk, rant, cry – you call me anytime.

Love you. that.is.all.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:22 pm starle Says:
I am so so sorry! Sending you huge hugs. Just keep breathing and know that we are here for you!!
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:24 pm Mary Says:
Sending love and hugs your way. 🙁
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:26 pm Elly Lou Says:
Woof. If I could hand deliver you a glittery pony wrapped in bacon of happiness right now, I totally would. I wouldn’t even still a bite first. Probably.

Hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:26 pm Neil Says:
I’m sorry you’re hurting.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:27 pm Emily R Says:
I have no idea what to say. I’m here.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:30 pm Jlhpisces Says:
For all the times your posts or those of the Band (that we wouldn’t have without you), have pulled me up from the bottom, here’s hoping that these comments will help you. You are strong, fabulous and much loved by us on the internets. <3
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:31 pm Issa Says:
Tons of hugs to you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:32 pm Alicia Says:
Wow… WOW… this really hit home for me. I hate that you’re going through it too. This isn’t the kind of hell where knowing someone else is living through it helps.

F*ck it. Let’s go do shots.

~Ali
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:17 pm @MommysMinions Says:
I’m in.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:32 pm Erin Says:
Oh AB

My heart goes out to you, and I wish I REALLY wish I had a fucking magical wand to make life a little easier.

Just so you know – I think you’re an amazing person, and I will be here for anything you need me. If I have to go on a roadtrip with my car full of uncrustables to prove it to you – well, that’s what I’ll fucking do.

Try to keep your chin up if you can, don’t worry if you can’t, and let me know if you need a man hug, a vat of uncrustables – or anything else.

Much love, and all that other touchy feely stuff. xoxo
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:33 pm Brooke Says:
Sending you lots of love and e-hugs, friend
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:34 pm Gamanda Says:
Such a profound post. Thank you for sharing your life. As always, you are an amazingly strong person who most of us strive to be like. Hoping this is just another obstacle you will conquer, coming out the other side with even more superhuman strength than you had before with a family that is in the situation that is best for them.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:37 pm Taniasaurusrex Says:
…lean on the band. It’s your turn now. They are there for you. <3
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:43 pm Alison Says:
Oh, I am the same boat, maybe we can paddle together somewhere and get some drinks, kick some ass and try not to weep ourselves dry.

It is heart wrenching, the fucked-up-ness of marriages and relationships that don’t divide and conquer, but just divide.

The last few years (for me and hubby) have been so damn hard and I don’t see a clear light in sight yet – but I HOPE.

So if there is anything I could give you, it would be HOPE.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:44 pm CathiC Says:
Oh, love, I wish I could take this pain away. You and the Daver will find a way to shrink that chasm between you; the first step has been taken by acknowledging the chasm is there. Sending much love and strength your way, dear lady.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:46 pm Kristin Says:
Oh honey, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Pamajama Says:
Completely different causes, same totally unexpected result. Life is always a big freaking surprise. Love you, chick.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:48 pm Stacey Says:
I love you. I’m so sorry for all the shit that’s been piled on you. Know that you are loved and you are not alone. I’m sending light and love.

My number is in The Bible, but I’ll email you to it too. Please call if you want to yell, scream, vent, laugh, etc.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:52 pm Dana Says:
I get it, get it, get it.
I felt swallowed by setbacks and injuries and body blows and silence and hormones and sleep deprivation for years. Felt the same chasm you do. But we’re closing it. I hope that you can too if that’s what you’re yearning for.
Much love and strength to you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:52 pm katrina Says:
i would say “i’m so sorry”…and that “i wish i could make it all better for you”….But everyone has already said that. And i would say…”that’s life”…”somedays chicken, somedays feathers”……But that’s just fuckin insensitive when you are hurting.

You are an amazing, strong person. You have had more than your share of hard times……..and you have come through it. THAT is what counts. It has made you the incredible, sensitive person/wife/mother/writer that you are today. You are my hero.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:52 pm Txtingmrdarcy Says:
I’m sorry, Aunt Becky. Your Pranksters are pulling for you.

*interwebs hug*
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:54 pm Cindy Says:
I’ve been where you are. It sucks. You WILL get through it and be stronger than you ever thought you could be. You have the amazing support of so many friends- be grateful that you don’t have to slog through this alone, like so many of us. Write HARD! Hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:55 pm Holli (B's Mom) Says:
Having tackled one of those chasms myself, I can say it’s not so easy but it can be done. I am pulling for you, and hoping that everything works out the way you want it to. Much love to you, my friend.
On September 9th, 2011 at 12:59 pm Lisa Says:
Thank you for the post. I read your blog every day but haven’t commented because I’m just not much of a commenter.

This, however, hits so close to home I just couldn’t stay silent. My partner and I are working on it and it’s difficult. Our relationship has been reduced to that of friendly roommates. That being said, I still couldn’t imagine life without her (except when I’m really fed up). So, we keep trying in our inept, humans with hurt feelings way, to make things better.

Sometimes I try to imagine how my parents would have handled a situation like this. The answer, generally, is more fart jokes.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:00 pm KJ Collard Says:
Hugs and glitter. This one is for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTsxF47wx5M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

#eyeofthemotherfuckingtiger
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:03 pm Betty M Says:
If chasms can be crossed you are the sort of person able to do so. Just seeing that list reminds me just how much you guys have been though these past few years. Most people would have crumbled in the face of such a list long ago. all best wishes for you both and also courage for the days ahead. xx
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:07 pm Delicia Says:
I’m sorry, hon. Listen: You are amazing. You inspire me every day with your tenacity, love, and refusal to give up. So, DON’T GIVE UP! Right now this sucks, and it’s gonna suck for maybe a long time, but we Believe in you, and I have no doubt you can make it through this too and there are awesome things on the horizon for you. ~hugs~
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:14 pm Becky Mochaface Says:
Dearest Aunt Becky,

I’m so sorry for your pain. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending mental hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:16 pm Sassypants Says:
Wow. Been there. Never would have had the clit to write about it though. I think it’s the natural ebb and flow of relationships. Sometimes you can bridge the gap, if both of you want it enough, and fate works in your favor. No advice, since what works for one, doesn’t necessarily work for all. Just know that your inter-web nieces love them some Aunt Becky, and we’re all pulling for you. (((HUGS))) and ass smacks to go around.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:19 pm Amy Says:
I’m right there with you Aunt Becky. The way my husband and I got here are completely different, but yet we’re figuring out where to go from here as well.

Thank you for being so honest and putting words to something I’m similarly in the midst of.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:24 pm Choosy Says:
Well. Shit.
As all have said before me, you have love and support as you figure all this out.
Marriage is hard. No one really explains that too well.
And You’ve been through a lot.

Good luck.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:25 pm JTook Says:
Oh, AB, I wish I could wrap you up in a big bacon wrapped cupcake hug. I’m here. I’m just a phone call or text away.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:27 pm KLinzyH Says:
Sending promises on top of promises that we will be here for you now the way you have always been here for us before. Lean on the Pranksters and the Band and let us know if we can help at all, we owe it to you for sure.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:29 pm Shana Says:
If you need to bitch and get a drink I’m in Palatine. I read every day and can only imagine the sting.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:34 pm Shana Says:
P.S. I’m not a creepy stalker btw, I just know you are *awesomesauce* and you’ve helped me through a lot although I’ve been a lurker.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:32 pm Kelly Says:
Sending many warm thoughts your way!
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:38 pm thepsychobabble Says:
(Hugs) You know the best part about adopting the internet is that you now have a bazillion relatives that are here for you. Love you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:40 pm Twisted Domestic Goddess Says:
Oh Aunt Becky I so feel you on the TKO.I’ve been there. You know you’ll make it through it at some point but you’re just so exasperated at the moment. I’m praying for you and for your marriage and for everything else involved. Lots of love from here in WA
On September 9th, 2011 at 1:57 pm Sue Says:
Thinking of you, Becky. Holding you close.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:01 pm Andy Says:
Ugh! Hang in there!!!
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:03 pm Pete In Az Says:
The only thing I can think of is:

Go give Amelia a hug.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:05 pm Jennifer Says:
I don’t know what to say–it’s painful to read your post and you are living it. Thinking of you, and hoping everything turns out OK.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:06 pm E3 Says:
We’re here, in your corner of the ring, with a water bottle full of vodka and a fluffy pink towel and whatever else boxers have, to help you get ready for the next (much better) round.

Keep on keeping on – all of us whose lives have been touched by you have your back.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:07 pm Cindy Says:
Aunt Becky, I have no words that can heal the hurt. I only have big squishee virtual bewbie hugs. I love you!
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:13 pm Cristi Comes Says:
Love you my friend
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:20 pm Angie Uncovered Says:
I wish I had words to make this better. More than that I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now. I know what it’s like to stare at the chasm and across to someone I wish I could reach. We’re all here for you. Feel free to yell, scream, cry, question, after all hon… this is your place!
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:22 pm Marie Says:
While our chasm was not so large, our problems not so dramatic or live threatening, hubby and I have been though a LOT in th past 8 years. Recently, we tOok a trip ( with a few other couples) but NO KIDS. It was amazing to be husband and wife with no dishes, no timeouts, no bed time ( but lots of sexy time). I HIGHLY recommend it, it you can swing it. Love, marie
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:26 pm Andrea Says:
You can clearly do whatever you set your mind to….I guess it’s the deciding what to set your mind to part that’s the devil. Wishes for peace and happiness.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:28 pm Angi Says:
It’s a chasm…and it’s deep and it’s dark. But we hope that you can build a bridge, with the love of your children and your pranksters to find your way back to each other. It’s so so hard. Much love you, both.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:28 pm Kadee Barrett Says:
Sending you love and hugs and strength. I hope you find the light to reveal your path and the courage to continue to follow it to reach your happiness. we love you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:33 pm Amy Says:
Oh, Aunt Becky. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I’ve joked around that I’m like one of those clown balloon dolls that pop back up everytime it gets knocked down. And, whether for better or worse, I have friends who have been through their own obstacle courses. I know you’ll do what’s best and what’s right for you and your family. It will be ok. Breathe. We are here for you, just like you’ve been here for us. — There aren’t enough parentheses to make all the hugs I’m sending your way. <3
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:36 pm Vanessa Says:
I know I’m one of hundreds and will probably get lost in the shuffle, but I wanted to say that in the least trite and overused way that I can, that I really and truly feel that you can and will overcome this. I know it may not seem possible,, because you’ve had a lot of hardships, but this may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do. When you’re fighting your own head, you can medicate and therapy it into submission. When you’re fighting physical illness, you can medicate it and pray but then just trust in God or fate. But when you’re fighting someone you love, a whole other person that you can no longer predict their reactions because of a growing distance between you, you can’t medicate the situation. You can go to therapy, but you can’t trust or predict their reactions.

In addition to the absolute scads of support you see here, know that we also believe in you. Not just in your ability to weather a storm, but to stop the storm in it’s tracks. And while we are a lively and fun bunch, take a vacation from us if you need to. We’ll all be here when you get back. Trust your partners and take some time to heal your life and your marriage, no one will blame you or abandon you for that.
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:54 am Kathy Miranda Says:
Beautifully said Vanessa! ^^^ Such wisdom and support we share here. Thank you, Becky!
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:38 pm Barnmaven Says:
Motherfuuuuuuuuuuck.

Its so hard to know the right words. Relationships are so goddamn hard – sometimes worth it, sometimes not – but hard.

Thinking of you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:45 pm JulieHG Says:
Oh Becky, the day I had to admit to myself and face up to the true state of what my marriage had become was one of the most painful days of my life. Different circumstances, but the result is the same. Look for a little Clarity over at Band Back Together, my friend, and know that you aren’t alone.

I wish you luck and hope that whatever path you take leads you to find happiness in the end.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:45 pm BigP's Heather Says:
The Band is here. Loving you from Arkansas.
Wish I lived closer.

Thinking of you and your family.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:47 pm amy Says:
Another lurker sending lots of good vibes to you AB.
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:48 pm Karen Says:
I love you Becky. (((((hugs)))))
On September 9th, 2011 at 2:58 pm Super Red Says:
Aunt Becky, I love you! I am so sorry for your hurt, and wish I had something more profound than sorrow to share. But you’re not alone. Ever.

You have been through so much, and the Daver has been through so much… it makes sense, sadly, that you’d come through it being different people. The biggest challenge is to stop looking to what you remember it being, and learning what it is in the present and what it will be in the future. Sometimes rediscovering your relationship is realizing that you can’t rediscover it… you just have to start over. And that sucks.

Clearly, I don’t know details, so my thoughts may be bullshit, but what ISN’T bullshit is that you’re stronger than anything.

I truly believe that God never gives us more than we can handle… we just have to choose to handle it, as you always have. And choose to accept and lean on the love of those around you.

Be well, Aunt Becky. We love you!
On September 9th, 2011 at 3:01 pm VEG Says:
Oh, Becky, I am so sorry. Though we got to the same place in different ways, my husband and I are in the same place right now and it is paralyzing. We are all here for you and hugging you and know that you are not alone. We understand. Let the Band help YOU now.
On September 9th, 2011 at 3:20 pm Amelia Says:
Thinking of you….sending love.
On September 9th, 2011 at 3:40 pm Tasha Says:
I wish I could hug you, pour you a drink, unwrap an uncrustable and let you tell me all about it. I really do make the best margaritas, if you’re ever near Seattle the offer stands.
On September 9th, 2011 at 4:11 pm Jo Says:
Dear Aunt Becky,
I just don’t know what to say. But please know I’m sending lots of love and massive hugs all the way from Australia.
Love,
Jo xx
On September 9th, 2011 at 4:18 pm Anna Says:
I’m usually a lurker, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and the Daver. I really really hope you guys can work through this. *hugs*
On September 9th, 2011 at 4:28 pm Mz M Says:
This post brought me out of lurking. All my good thoughts are pointed in your direction right now. *hugs*
On September 9th, 2011 at 4:55 pm Leah Jones Says:
LOVEBOMBS millions of them!!!!
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:09 pm Amy Says:
We talked yesterday woman. So you know I love you. Just hit me up if you need ANYTHING.
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:12 pm vingleburt wingeldank Says:
My husband and I separated last summer for about three months before I was ready to actually talk to him again. Nothing was really wrong, but, well, everything kind of was. We started testing the waters again, then he moved back in to our house about two months later.

It’s a daily struggle sometimes, but, we’re working on it. We both want to work on it. We’re both committed to seeing it through. Lots of things helped us – just trying to enjoy each other. Counseling. Doing enjoyable things together. And…wow… this is going to sound cheesy…but… seriously? These cd’s by Mort Fertel – the Marriage Fitness program. Totally different than anything else I’d ever tried.

Be strong sweetness. No matter what happens, you are going to be ok. You will. Promise.
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:20 pm Leslie Says:
Oh, AB. I’m in tears. I don’t know what else to add that people up above haven’t already said, except I am thinking of you and The Daver. Hugs.
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:27 pm Joy Says:
🙁 Sending you warm thoughts and virtual hugs…
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:30 pm Manda Says:
Everyone up there ^ has already said all the right things. Just when I had a good idea on what to say, someone else said it. It was a little like being at a really crowded support group. My first marriage ended because of a lot of the same things – work being all-important and all-consuming, feeling like a single parent who lives with an annoying roommate who never washes the dishes, etc. Even without the PPD and PTSD, it was more than I could take. I knew in the first year that it was doomed, but I stayed. And I stayed. And then, to shake things up, I stayed some more… Then, one day when we were 7 years in, I left. We still co-parent our son together, and there are still days I would rather set the fucker on fire than look at him, but I survived. And my life is so SO much better without him in it. Even now, obscenely happily remarried and having just given birth to a new baby, I still wonder what it would have been like if I had just put my foot down and told him what was wrong. I wonder what would have happened if I’d stayed, worked harder, made HIM work harder – not at his job, but at his home.

If repair is what you wish, I wish you the best. It can be done. The chasm can be closed, as you’ve seen from the comments. And if flying free is what you wish, know that you’re strong enough for that too.
On September 10th, 2011 at 4:04 pm teki Says:
Very well put and well thought out. As Manda says, it can be done if you both wish it. Regardless of your choice, I hope for happiness for all of you. As a poster mentioned above, we’ll all be waiting for you if a break is needed. And it goes without saying, we’re all here for you if you need us. Much love.
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:48 pm Heather Says:
My heart hurts for you, you who have done so much for so many other people. If there’s anything I can do, any way I can help, please don’t hesitate to ask.
On September 9th, 2011 at 5:59 pm Joules Says:
So sorry you are in pain.
(((((hugs)))))
love
glitter
peace
On September 9th, 2011 at 6:01 pm Jana A Says:
You know I love ya more than my luggage. ~~Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
On September 9th, 2011 at 6:11 pm Sue B Says:
Becky, babe, you have been through a lot. A sh**load of a lot. More of a LOT than most of us will ever experience. You have a habit of trying to tough everything out on your own.
YOU DON”T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE.
Get some marriage help. Tell the Daver what you need and listen to what he needs.
Get help. Remember how much better things got when you got the right meds for the Migraines. And the help you got for PPD. You need help now, so your whole life does not blow up. A fucked up marriage can be patched up, repaired, even healed. With work, with time, and with help. I think you are one funny and crazy ass writer babe but for now you need to take care of yourself. Get the help you need. Because you already have our love.
On September 9th, 2011 at 7:02 pm KaraB Says:
Sending much love. I’ve been there, it’s not easy, but whatever path you choose, it will be the right one for you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 8:07 pm Dora Says:
Oh, Becky! Reading this on my iPod while getting the kid to sleep. Love -you so much. Come visit us. Seriously, we have room. Huge hug from me and my girl gives the best kisses ever. Come to NY to collect, we’ll take good care of you. Mwah.
On September 9th, 2011 at 8:23 pm Samantha Says:
It’s amazing how many of us understand, how many of us have been there, how many of us are currently there…

I’m so sorry. For you and for all of us in marriages we don’t quite understand, marriages we are not sure we want anymore…
On September 9th, 2011 at 8:35 pm Lesley @Avalea Says:
And life brings you to another crossroad. Which way?

The “right now” answer is you don’t have to decide today. Breathe. I will walk this journey with you if you choose to include me. A year ago next month, I faced similar decisions. Faced with my own “which way?”, I had to step out of my own head. Hardest thing I’ve done yet in this life.

Breathe Becky. Keep writing. Hug your babies.

xoxo
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:06 pm Satan Says:
oh damn, this is heartbreaking.
i wish i had some good advice, but my relationships have never faded away, only blown up in spectacular fashion.
is there any one thing that y’all could do together that might help to bridge that gap? i hope you can hold it together, and find your closeness again.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:09 pm Tara Says:
I have nothing useful to add. Just *hugs*.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:13 pm Michy Says:
I want you to re-read all those comments up there, and know I’m loving you as hard as I can love another person right now. If I thought I could figure it out, and that it would help, I’d invent a hot dog Uncrustable just for you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:14 pm John Says:
Huge hugs, Aunt Becky . . . I don’t have anything to add . . . just, well, life sucks sometimes . . . but there’s an army of pranksters who are ALWAYS here for you.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:17 pm Robin @ Farewell, Stranger Says:
Love you.

You need me, you phone me, right?
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:19 pm Bitchin' Amy Says:
Would now be a bad time to say “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!”?

((hug)) It seems to be about that time in a lot of marriages… Life’s such a bitch.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:19 pm KYouell Says:
I’m going to come back and read all the comments because I think there is probably advice in there that I & my relationship could use, but before I can do that I have to get my butt in the kitchen & cook dinner. Until then I send you my love. I hope it helps you that we are all here.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:27 pm Sarah Says:
Oh AB….you awaken my deepest empathies. Everyone before me already said everything I would say to you.

Hugs,
~Sarah
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:28 pm Karen Says:
I only know you through your words but there is something incredibly resilient about you. I’m sorry for your pain. I wish better for you. You deserve to be happy.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:34 pm Lynda M O Says:
First time reader must comment: Know you are held to the Universal Healing Power. Know that many others love and support you. Know I too am sending strength. I subscribed.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:35 pm Emily Says:
Hey Aunt Becky. Nothing I can say except I’ve been there, smoked myself down to 105 pounds, thought I was starving myself to death, cried and gave up drinking because I scared myself. The kids survived. I survived. He survived. Although for a long time none of us thought we would. Therapy helped. Trust your gut. Hang in there or don’t. I love you either way.
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:36 pm PsychMamma Says:
Oh sweetie. So, so sorry. Sending you heaps of love and peace. Keeping you in my thoughts.

xox
On September 9th, 2011 at 9:41 pm Trini Says:
Oh Aunt Becky.

Thank you for your honesty. I wish I could say something that would give you half the support you’ve (knowingly or not) given to me.

Many hugs & loads of love,
T.
On September 9th, 2011 at 10:22 pm Kate Says:
Hi Auntie Bex. I’m so sorry this is where you are. I am glad you’re at least able to write it out so you can receive all the love and support pouring your way. Add a coupon for a bottomless basket of heart-hugs to your pile of support. You’re amazing.
On September 9th, 2011 at 10:24 pm Kelli Says:
I am so sorry for this hard time you have been dealt!!! Just know that your Band of Merry Pranksters are always here for you!!!
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:01 pm Ellen Says:
I *just* started reading your posts and can see that you have a lot of good support from your pranksters. I too wanted you to know though that, three years ago, I was where you are. Just realizing that the chasm exists, it’s so raw and painful, just as you wrote. Working to bridge it is, well, a lot of work and exhausting and exasperating at times. But I am also telling you that if both of you want your marriage back, it can be done. You CAN do it, together. We used the book Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage by Gottman, Gottman and DeClaire as a starting point. Really, we are now better, stronger, smarter, more forgiving and loving than ever. We work on it all the time, but it’s much much easier now. Thinking of you —
On September 9th, 2011 at 11:44 pm Working Mommy Says:
Oh wow. I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a difficult time. I don’t want to say the cliche “I know how you feel” – because I don’t…or “I can’t even imagine” – because that would belittle your struggle. So I can only say that I will pray for you and hope that things change for the better. xoxo

WM
On September 10th, 2011 at 12:08 am Alexis Says:
dearest Auntie,
I’m so hoping that everything works out in a way that leaves you happy.
On September 10th, 2011 at 12:15 am HeatherS Says:
I came here earlier and I didn’t know what to say and I’m I’m still not sure I do. Everyone is different. Everyone deals with things differently and everyone comes out of the shit that’s flung at them in different ways. I have been through a lot of the same things or comparable that you have with my husband. However, we are sure of one thing, we never want to not be in this life together. It took a while but I think I finally figured out that sometimes are just not going to be magical, perfect family times. Sometimes moms need a nap and sometimes Dads do, too. We have to give each other a break AND we have to make time for each other. You spend a lot of time doing so much for others AB, this may be a good time to some time for yourself & your hubs and try to reconnect. Let go and let others handle whatever is going on outside of your marriage and just go remember what you both thought was so amazing about the other in the first place. Then do something with the kids as a family. Unplugged. Go somewhere you’ve been wanting to go that’s fun, that you’ve never been before or you’ve been wanting to back to for a long time, leave all technology at home (except a phone for real emergencies) and just ENJOY. Marriages go through stages. The Honeymoon stage isn’t always on top of the list but there are other stages that can be just as important and just as meaningful and sometimes not so meaningful when we’re just busy with kids pounding through day to day stuff…but hey, boring is better than dramatic. Anyway, all the stages are important and they don’t always mean a marriage is over. Yours sounds like it’s worth working on. So go put yourself in Work Time Out and tell him to do the same, unplug from the world for one weekend and concentrate on the Fam.
On September 10th, 2011 at 1:21 am Ryanandjoesmom Says:
Love and hugs to you! You are one strong woman and will get through this and come out the other end in one piece!
On September 10th, 2011 at 2:25 am Pamela Says:
Oh sweet AB! Another lurker sending you lots of virtual love and support! Wishing you and the Daver everything you need to get through this, past this and beyond this! You have overcome so much and inspired so many people I hope you can soon add this to the “shit I got through” pile and I’m praying that at some point the shit stops coming! Wishing you a lifetime supply of Uncrustables and happiness. <3
On September 10th, 2011 at 6:30 am Kel Says:
Aunt Becky- I read your post yesterday and felt bad. I woke up this morning still feeling sad for you. No one ever tells you that marriage is a fuckton of work. Screw work. It’ll still be there. Go take care of your relationship.At the end of the day it’s what really matters. The other pranksters and I will wait.
On September 10th, 2011 at 6:47 am Jenni Williams Says:
Becky,
I will never understand why some of us have more struggles than others. My last few years have been pretty damn close to yours. Money and work issues, miscarriages, my failing mental health, an nt defect that didn’t end well, more miscarriages, and dealing with autism; all left us both spinning looking for a place to land. Sometimes we would look around and realize that we landed REALLY fucking far apart. Other times, I WANTED to be far from him, he couldn’t possibly understand how hard all this was for ME. But the thing was even if he didn’t understand, it was just as hard for him, in different ways. We just have to keep crawling and clawing back to each other. Right now, we are that soft place to land for each other and I hope and pray we will still be tomorrow. I can’t pretend to know how far apart you two are feeling, how much damage there is, or even if there is hope between you. But, I will tell you that if there is, keep going, you can build that bridge. I love you Becky and I am here if you ever need to talk.
On September 10th, 2011 at 8:20 am lindsay Says:
wish I could take the punches for you, even one tough cookie needs a stand in once in a while. thanks for the honesty, as always.
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:44 am Kathy Miranda Says:
Me too! ^^^
On September 10th, 2011 at 8:33 am Wombat Central Says:
Girl, lookit all that love! This would be one big-ass group hug right here. Here’s hoping you and The Daver find what it takes to be on the same page again. Thinking of you and sending love your way….
On September 10th, 2011 at 9:16 am Emily Says:
Honey, I understand. Our lives parallel each other in so many ways, and I am facing the same kind of chasm. Love and light to you. Hang in there.
On September 10th, 2011 at 9:17 am Val Says:
Love ya girl. I’ll be thinking of you all.
On September 10th, 2011 at 10:24 am LocoYaya Says:
oh AB. i am so sorry. sending tons of love and hugs and sparkly bits of junk your way. give it a minute though, cause it is coming from Texas. and that is pretty far. hence the reason i could not send cookies.
On September 10th, 2011 at 12:55 pm TheBeerLady Says:
I have no words, at least none that are more eloquent than those that have come before me. I can only echo them. {{{hugs}}}
On September 10th, 2011 at 1:59 pm Liz Says:
Hugs and glitter. Purple glitter pouring from a rainbow unicorn pinata’s butt.
On September 10th, 2011 at 2:07 pm Alexis Says:
Happy thoughts. For you. Maybe help? Good luck.
On September 10th, 2011 at 2:22 pm Coleen Says:
I have nothing else to add but I’m so sorry. The Band loves you and wants to help in any way we can.
On September 10th, 2011 at 3:04 pm steph Says:
Aunt Becky,

Can’t even begin to tell you how hard that was to read. And to have been there and know that heart-heavy feeling. To know that the writing of it was a million times harder than my reading it.

But just a few words of hope: I’ve peered into that chasm. Known its hollow depths were hungering for me. And made it across. It was a long process…about 2 years of highs and lows. But if both people are willing, in some cases, it can be done.

But in this case, whether it can or can’t, we Pranksters are here for you. That’s what Pranksters are for.

Hugs to you. (Oh, and my stressed food of choice? Yoplait Whips. When stress has me so nauseous that I can’t keep anything down, for some reason those work. Just in case you need to know.)
On September 10th, 2011 at 3:43 pm Lance Says:
This may sound weird but reading about your pain is refreshing in that you usually come across as strong, and sarcastic, and invulnerable.

I am so sorry life has decided to not reward you with the piece of mind you deserve. You help so many others, you should expect so many to help you when your need it.

Thanks for letting me read human Aunt Becky. I want you to know that I read and admire you on a daily basis. I hope you find the strength to persevere and be the borderline superheor so many of us view you as.
On September 10th, 2011 at 4:10 pm Love Says:
No advice. Just wanted to let you know I heard you.
On September 10th, 2011 at 4:28 pm Nicole Says:
(((Hug))) Much love and support
On September 10th, 2011 at 4:47 pm Gunfighter Says:
You KNOW that I know from whence you speak… so you call or text or email me any time you need to vent or just have a laugh with a pal. I’ll tell you about my Uncle Jack.
On September 10th, 2011 at 6:27 pm erin margolin Says:
Aunt Becky,

I don’t have the answers, and I can’t make it better. All I can tell you is how much it means to me and a bajillion other pranksters that you put things like this out there. You say what a lot of us feel but are afraid to share. And because of that? You rock my world. Sending you hugs. And know that even if it seems like it? You are not alone. You’re just brave enough to step out HERE, where it feels lonely.
On September 10th, 2011 at 7:13 pm Rebekah Says:
Sending love.
On September 10th, 2011 at 7:38 pm Jenn Says:
Thank you. Your bravery inspires.
On September 10th, 2011 at 7:44 pm Mel Says:
Sending many hugs and much love.
On September 10th, 2011 at 8:10 pm MannyRee Says:
I’m sorry. 🙁
On September 10th, 2011 at 8:37 pm Christina Says:
So much love for you both….
On September 10th, 2011 at 9:00 pm Mandy Says:
I’m so sorry (((hugs)))
On September 11th, 2011 at 8:14 am Kirsten Says:
Dear Becky, I don’t think I’ve ever commented, though I read MWV every day. I just wanted to echo the sentiment that you are not alone, though that chasm can feel like it swallows you whole. My only advice is love yourself and your kids during this time. Hang tough, you’re a warrior princess even if you don’t feel like it every day. I will also say a prayer for you and the Daver. Love from a lurker…
On September 11th, 2011 at 12:27 pm Elizabeth Says:
sending you love and good energy, Aunt Becky.
On September 11th, 2011 at 1:35 pm Jessica B Says:
AB, thinking of you. Sure wish I had something great to say that would make you feel better. Just know that people care. xo
On September 12th, 2011 at 6:44 am Meg Says:
What she said!
Hugs and Love to you!
On September 11th, 2011 at 1:40 pm Amanda@LadyScientist Says:
I’m thinking of you. I hope that everything works out in the best way possible.
On September 11th, 2011 at 2:16 pm habanerogal Says:
Being sad is bullshit go make time and get back to basics HUGS to you and the Daver
On September 11th, 2011 at 7:52 pm magpie Says:
Noooo…. I hope good things for you, that you find your way through to on top. Love to you – and the children and the Daver.
On September 12th, 2011 at 7:15 am anne Says:
I hope that like all things this chasm is temporary. It sounds like you have something great with the Daver, something worth fighting for. Drifting apart because of work and the craziness of life is so common. Can you two escape for an hour (or a week) together? Sending you lots of love and wishing you better times soon!
On September 12th, 2011 at 9:57 am Dizzy Says:
I know this feeling. Love to you & hope for a solution.
On September 12th, 2011 at 12:51 pm SherryH Says:
I am so sorry. I hope you and Daver are able to breach the chasm. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for the best. My thoughts are with you.
On September 13th, 2011 at 11:42 am Kathy Miranda Says:
Much love to you and Dave. The bumps are big and the road is rocky, but so worth it. Marriage is just plain hard work. There have been many a day where I had my shit packed – mentally. I had the budget lined out and a house in the neighborhood ready to rent. If you still love him and he still loves you, do the work. It’s worth it.
On September 13th, 2011 at 1:21 pm SharleneT Says:
My prayers are with you. It’s a hard journey — but, you’re not alone. {{{HUGS}}}
On September 13th, 2011 at 2:03 pm Meredith Says:
Like so many, I understand where you are at. Thinking of you and hope that however things work out, it is for the best for everyone.
On September 13th, 2011 at 7:00 pm Amanda Says:
there’s always a way to build a bridge if you dont mind searching for the right materials
On September 14th, 2011 at 1:49 pm Heather Says:
I’m so sorry to hear this. I remember the feelings all too well as I watched my own marriage fail and I wouldn’t wish them on anyone else. Hopefully you can find a way to bridge the gap. It might take some work but it may be the best work you have ever done. I’m just an email or Facebook message away if you need someone to vent to. {{Hugs}}
On September 16th, 2011 at 3:02 pm Nickie Says:
Beautiful, sad and raw all at the same time.
On September 18th, 2011 at 12:11 am Calypso Says:
I know… I know..
In the trenches with you..
((hugs))
On October 12th, 2011 at 6:47 am Ruth Says:
I wish I had something wise and wonderful to say, but all I can think of is: you are they eye of the MOTHERFUCKING TIGER!!! We love you and you will kick ass at whatever you do. As a previous post put it, LOVE BOMBS to you <3 <3 <3